Yesterday, my T and I went to a family party. It wasn’t a typical party, one in honor of my deceased cousin’s birthday. So, I felt an absolute need to be present.
Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.
These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.
All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.
I feel like I am taboo.
Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.
It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.
My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.
I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.
Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.
So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.
Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.