Monday, February 19, 2007

Insecure, Unaccepted, and Unworthy.

Yesterday, my T and I went to a family party. It wasn’t a typical party, one in honor of my deceased cousin’s birthday. So, I felt an absolute need to be present.

Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.

These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.

All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.

I feel like I am taboo.

Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.

It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.

My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.

I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.

Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.

So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.

Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.


Samantha said...

I'm new to your blog, and your post really spoke to me. I'm also TTC, have PCOS, so rarely ovulate naturally. I feel like I have a lot of people who know me but somehow we aren't on the path anymore. Friends who want to have kids are in the process of having them, and what we have in common diverges. Friends that don't want to have kids aren't really interested in hearing about IF woes. My coworkers don't know about any of my IF woes, and while I'm glad about that on the one hand, it sometimes makes things feel very superficial. This huge part of me is just squirreled away where no one else can see it.

I have also learned that trying to be involved and active in things, even if I feel like I'm not enjoying them as much as I used is better than doing nothing at all, so I hope you can continue to get out. I'll add you to my blog roll.

Unknown said...

It's the girl cousins who are still in high school, not you. Some people are just shallow and immature - not your problem.

Keep finding new activities to do - you will find people you click with. Also, have you checked to see if there's a Resolve group near you? It might help to bond with other IFs while you're going through this.

Hang in there.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie--I know you feel worthless, but I want you to know that you are worth a lot. To many women in this blogosphere.

Have you gotten involved at all with RESOLVE? I think sometimes I make friends easier with those who are in similar circumstances emotionally. RESOLVE is a mix--some are adoption, some are doing IVF, some have had many losses, others are just starting out. But all understand the emotional side of IF, therefore, you remove that wall instantaneously. It was a wonderful way to meet other people. They have weekly support group meetings. And there are other activities as well.

It's just a thought--RESOLVE isn't everyone's cup of tea. But something similar?

I think as we get older, our circle of friends tends to get smaller. You begin focusing inward on the home and on career. You grab more aquaintances, but good friends--not as many.

Anonymous said...

Its hard not to feel worthless when suffering some sort of infertility but even though I don’t know you per-se, I agree with the others that I don’t think you worthless at all! I think you’re going through a period in your life which requires lots of courage/strength and not many people are strong enough to get through it with grace. You’re just like all of us!

Resolve sounds like good advice and I can recommend some sessions with a therapist to talk out your insecurities. As you know, its always good to talk J


Baby Blues said...

I feel the same with certain mothers in our family. Just because I don't have children doesn't mean my life isn't interesting. They could make me feel totally worthless and ignored once they start talking about their kids!

Nicole said...

I hear you 100% on everything you said. Being back in school makes me feel more lonely than ever before. I have so much trouble relating to the kids in my classes. Plus, I think they sense there is something off about me and thus keep their distance. My best friend is a blind student, and it's not because I know anything about being blind, but I do know a lot about feeling different and an outsider. So we relate in that way. Any little connection seems to make a difference. Because, in the end, there is no one else just like me, and that's probably a good thing. I wish we lived near each other, so we could hang out though.

Anonymous said...

Your post really resonated with me. This is a lonely journey, and it is had to make friends with someone who can not relate to where we are at.

Hang in there. You have all of us out here in Blogland if that helps at all. Thank God for Blogland. It's what keeps me sane.

Keep us posted if you try Resolve. I'd love to hear your opinion.

Kir said...

I felt every part of this post. I too have only 2 good friends and both of them live far away from me so I get to see them rarely. When I do it's wonderful and they are supportive but they can't really understand the IF stuff and I can't really understand anything else lately. HA.
I also "get" the feeling like you're in HS. I really hate going to extended family stuff and having the constant questions and discussions and a$$vice I get, but still they are family so I try to go and not feel so out of place.
Even being Catholics is hard for me because to really part of our church we're going to need a family. For now people are polite but don't know our names, people are civil but I know they wonder if we're just a spoiled couple that doesn't even want children. I worry about the judgement of people who don't even KNOW me. So yep I get it and I'm so sorry.
To me it seems that IF takes so much from you and little by little it takes even more.

Kellie with an "ie" said...

Dianne, Though we've never met, I can't help but feel as if I know you from reading your blog for so long. Want to know what I think? I think anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. You are smart and funny and strong and brave. You care about the people you love, and take good care of your friends. If there are people in the world that don't see that, SCREW 'EM!

THAT'S what I think!