Thursday, February 08, 2007

Hate, Loath, etc. (Yet, not strong enough words.)

I would like a separation from my reproductive system.

No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.

It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.

If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.

A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!

(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)

Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.

Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)

Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)

Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.

Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.

But, right now, it really hurts.


Serenity said...


It's never easy, isn't it - even when you have some advance warning. :(

Do something nice for yourself today, hon. I will be thinking of you and wishing you some peace.

Aurelia said...

Oh, I'm sorry Dianne, I'm wishing you large bottles of vodka, or wine, or whatever will make you feel less shitty tonight.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. This just sucks--it plain sucks. All I can say is be kind to yourself today. Go on a walk and cry and then come back to your desk if you can. Or do something special for yourself tonight. It's just a crappy, crappy day.

Joei said...

I am so, so, so sorry! You definitly deserve some retail therapy, as well as margaritas, or whatever it is you need. I'm sending you a huge hug and lots of ice cream!
F*ck infertility!!!

LJ said...

Diane -

I am so sorry the nasty witch found you. Actually, that's an insult to witches.

Good luck with IUI, if you have any questions about it, you know I'm just a mouseclick away.

Baby Blues said...

I'm sorry Dianne. That wicked witch! I hate it when she shows up unexpected.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...



Nicole said...

Aw Diane,I am so so sorry that you are in that fetal position right now. Virtually, I am curled up right next to you. As far as it never happening, well I think it will for you, but I feel the same despair and so I know what I think doesn't help much. Sending loving thoughts your way. Big hug.

Unknown said...

I hurt for you - I'm so sorry for the pain you feel right now. If it helps, please know that there are many of us out here giving you as much virtual comfort as we can.