Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Petrified by an insurance application.

Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.

And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.

It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.

Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.

And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.

The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.

(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)

And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.

All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.

Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.

The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.

What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”


Nicole said...

Here's my hand, ready for holding? Whenever you are ready.

BigP's Heather said...

I would grab your other hand but you need it to write. What if I sit next to you with my arm on the back of your chair. I'll bring sandwhiches.

Aurelia said...

You'll never know what will happen next, until you start...but we're all here while you do it.

Unknown said...

It sounds corny, but we will all be sitting next to you while you fill it out. Fear makes us stronger. Take the next step.

Baby Blues said...

Be strong Dianne. I'm just right here with the whole gang. It's scary but it doesn't have to be lonely.

Anonymous said...

Me too Dianne, I'll hold your hand with you!.It's going to be hard but it may work and then it will all have been worth it, positive vibes to you, HUGS.

Samantha said...

We're all with you and rooting for you as you take the plunge! Plus be glad you have insurance willing to take the plunge with you!


Anonymous said...

Dianne, I will jump on a plane to Boston and fill it out for you, you just tell me the answers! As much as this sounds like a corny platitude, I believe it: if you let your fear stop you from trying now, you will regret it in the future. I have somehow found a kind of peace since we finally got off our tails and did IUI #1--that even if this or none of our future treatments work, I have finally taken some control and am doing all I can do. I soooo know how you are feeling right now--we have supported our babycenter friends when IUIs and IVFs have failed them, and we see how painful it is. And we understandably don't want to go through that ourselves. But just from your writing, I know that you are strong. I think that taking some of that control will make you even stronger. And anytime you need to vent, cry, laugh, etc., I am here!

Sara said...

I'm there to make everyone tea (or something sronger, for those not cycling) while we fill out the application together. You CAN do this.

Kir said...

oh sweetie, I am so sorry I have been MIA. My hand is here, ready for holding and I sending buckets of hope and faith...just do it. Everything is going to be ok.