Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.
And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.
It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.
Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.
And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.
The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.
(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)
And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.
All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.
Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.
The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.
What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”