Monday, February 12, 2007

Looking for signs.

I always do it. Looking for supernatural signs that something will happen. It could be an illogical need to try to figure out if I am doing the right thing, following a plan. Maybe it is the influence of my Grandmother. And I’ll need to think about that at another time. Right now, I want to talk about my signs.

When my cousin B died, on his death bed, I asked him to send me my Angel. (It was what his mother called him. Her Angel.)

I figured when his sister ended up being pregnant, it just meant that she needed her Angel more than I. And I needed to wait.

Immediately after B’s death, I had a recurring dream. It consisted of my father-in-law (who I never met) and my cousin B sitting at a bar. My father-in-law met him and asked if he wanted to chat a bit. They are talking about heaven and such, when a group of teens walk into the bar. My father-in-law turns to B and says “I want to introduce you to Dianne and T’s kids.”

A few minutes later, our three kids say “We thought to ask our cousins to come and visit.” My sister and cousins’ children walk in (some are his nieces and nephews).

Every time I wake up and smile, thinking that my kids are getting to spend time with their grandfather and my cousin. They are getting to know us thru them, just like they will get to know them thru us. And it leaves me with hope, that we will have a child (per my dream there will be three).

A few weeks ago, my family had a memorial mass for B. T and I attended and I vividly recalled this dream. The mass was immediately after my ovulation. And I was filled with hope. (Believe me, at this point, I was not feeling anything and I yelled at her to get away.) Nevertheless the mass left me feeling hopeful. And it reminded me of what I asked of B. To send me my Angel.

Soon after, a friend reminded me that everything happens in threes. In 2007, I know of 5 people giving birth. One has been born, and I am anticipating the arrival of the next four within the next few months. But for me, pregnancies/babies always happen in threes. And since I have five, I know that there will be a sixth very soon. And it gave me hope.

The moral of the story, I need to stop reading signs that aren’t there. Remember that most signs are only determined after the fact, even then it is more of someone reading meaning into something that probably has no meaning.

And the more I attempt to read signs, the more I am reminded that there is no plan. We humans must do the best we can, because there is very little pre-determined.

I’m becoming very cynical because of FALSE hope.

4 comments:

Nicole said...

Even if you have trouble hanging onto hope, we will all hold it for you. Sending baby dust, hugs, and hope your way, my friend.

Aurelia said...

That's lovely story, really really nice.

aah0424 said...

Oh, I can totally relate! Over the past 2 years there have been so many signs that I would be pregnant and so far none have panned out to be anything other than wishful thinking. They've come in the form dreams, comments people have made, shooting stars when my husband asked for a sign the night after our MF diagnosis. Maybe they are signs of things to come, but man, why can't things move along a little bit faster!

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