Thursday, October 05, 2006

Free Choice

Free choice is an interesting thing. It is our will, our choice, as a human to do something. It can be good and it can be bad. I like free choice, because it also means control. The type of person I am, I need and like control. Things that I can dictate the end result to.

When free choice is taken away, it puts me in a tail spin. For the last twenty-four months, I’ve been in a crazy state because of my lack of control, there is no free choice with infertility.

It is a cross to bare, my cross. As a Christian, I believe that we all have crosses to bare. Jesus had the ultimate cross to bare, he had to die for us. But, we all have crosses. I’ve decided that it is the thing that I have no control over; it is the item that nature has placed in my lap without reason or explanation. It is something I have no free choice over. I believe we all have this, something that we have no control over.

I realized recently, that my cousin dealt with this knowledge at a very young age. He was forced to deal with something that he had no free choice over. But, he had free choice in how he would react to it. I’ve been shown that reality by two other friends and a second cousin that died of terminal illnesses. They always knew their time was short, but they choose to be remarkable people and do what they could with their lives. Yes, this also meant they fought to battle their diseases, but in the end they did their best to live their lives the way they wanted to live them. They never put things on hold for the what if, they lived first and for most.

This is a lesson learned recently by me. I’ve been putting my life and my husband’s life on hold. We are constantly having our lives and budget dictated by my reproductive cycle, ovulation predictors, examinations, treatments, etc. We have put everything else on hold. From buying a house to taking a vacation, it is time that we move forward and do something that is in our control. Take a step that has nothing to do with us becoming parents, but it is something that we both want.

So, we are going to sell our condo and buy a house. We are going to settle in, continue to use the predictor sticks, live our lives and go on with it. Take vacations, when we can afford it after the house :). Buy a dog when we are ready. If a baby happens, fantastic and if not, we reexamine treatment later.

After all, since I seriously doubt it will happen right now or any time soon. I think I need to regain some hope. It will take some serious time for this to happen. Also, our path may not lead to treatment but to adoption. I am more and more inclined to think this maybe a solution to our dilemma. It may be something that might be more right for us. Or maybe living without kids is our destiny. May be God is telling us that you aren’t meant to be responsible for a child, you’ve all ready been responsible, and it is now your opportunity to have fun. I have no idea what life is going to present.....more on that topic for another day.


EB said...

This is a great post! I am so excited for you!

EB said...

Looking back at this comment it seems sort of odd - I was excited for you that you guys are going to be buying a house! Also happy for you that you are trying to put things into perspective in your life. PLease don't let this one aspect of who you are define you. You are more than "infertile" - you are a daughter, a wife, and a friend.

I thought this post was very enlightening and a positive outlook on the future.