I’ve been contemplating on how to say what I’m about to say for sometime. I hope and pray that it comes out the way I intend for it to come out.
When I started this blog, I had a few needs. One, to express myself. Up to that point, I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing this simple task. I had many things building inside, and they need a way to come out. Thankfully the blog has given me this outlet.
The second need was to have a way to express the emotional turmoil so that my husband and friends understand where I coming from. I am referring to my everyday real friends. Unfortunately, my Vent friends are going through the same thing on a regular basis so know all to well.
Many years ago, I realized how important my friends are to me. They were a constant like no other guy, except for T. I do my best to be there for them and I know that they do their best to be there for me. During this emotional time, it has been very difficult for all of us. I know that they feel helpless, just as much as I do.
To further complicate matters, I have not been able to vocalize my needs and wants concerning the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive.
I apologize for this failure. It is a rollercoaster. There are days that I'm fine. There are days when I'm not. I don't have the strength to pick up the phone and ask for help, because saying the words would make me cry.
This is my attempt at trying to explain how I feel and what you can do as a friend for me.
I feel pain. Physical pain. Like someone is trying to rip my heart out with their bare hands and they are unsuccessful, so that keep on doing it. I am sad and I don't think anything to do with my situation is funny.
Despite past obstacles I've had in my life this is the most difficult up to now. Life isn't easy. I know that, and right now I am feeling that lesson more and more.
If I seem recluse. Please don’t take offense. It has nothing to do with you. Staying quiet or at home, is my way of not causing damage to my friendships. I try not to talk sometimes, because it depresses me, I can’t imagine what is doing to you. Also right now, there are times where I can't take things for what they are and I can't just shut up. It only causes problems.
It isn't that you aren't the right person to talk to. But, I'm not the same Flutter at this point and time. I'm broken and in the repair shop. Please know that I need my friends right now more than I can say to you and I don't want to lose any one of you because of my malfunctioning body.
What I need: A hug, chocolate, coffee, a drink, a flower, a card, a day with a friend at the movies, ice cream, a shoulder to cry on, an ear, a phone call, a person to read my blog and make comments (email and phone are very cool too), to go shoe shopping, to do non-kid related activities, to keep my mind off of things, etc.
What I say next is going to sound harsh, but I don't need you to fix the situation. I can't fix my problem, the Reproductive Endocrinologist can't fix my problem, the only one that can is God. I've stopped believing that he will do it just because, if it isn't in his plans, it isn't. I need you to help me thru it. To be strong when I am weak. To tell me that I will survive whatever the outcome.
And I will try to remember, when a comment is made that you are just talking. That there is no malice and if you know that it hurts, you will stop. You are trying to help in the only way you can.
Lastly, for my friends who will soon be Moms. What do I ask of you? Don’t hide it from me. Please do tell me, I want to hear of your wonderful adventure. I do ask that you tell me in private, you can tell me in front of T or your husband or our close friends. But don’t tell me in a large group, I beg of you. Please know, that no matter how crazy I feel that day, that I am genuinely happy for you, that I will pray will all my heart that you have a healthy pregnancy and delivery, and ultimately a very healthy and happy little one(s). With all my heart, that I am grateful that you don’t have to go thru this heart break. If my envious emotion comes up, please know that it isn’t that emotion that rules. If I cry know that it is mostly happy tears for you. And lastly, please now that I will love your little one with all of my heart.
I’ve said my peace. Thank you for letting me. And, I hope it is helpful.