Sunday, July 23, 2006

Yesterday

Yesterday, was rough. After 22 months and 13 cycles, I was praying and hoping that this was our cycle, but it was not. I reminded myself after I saw the BFN that the odds were against us, after all I've only detected ovulation twice in the past 7 months. But, that our prognosis wasn't all bad, and that the Clomid or other drugs will eventually increase our odds. (Yes, reasonable Flutter was talking to sobbing mess Flutter. And it wasn't working.)

So, I went to the computer for some comfort (T. was asleep. I figured, I'd give him a few more hours of peace before I told him and he saw that I couldn't stop crying. I'm very good about hiding the crying.) I posted on my blog, my Vent board, and on another board.

Soon thereafter, I got responses from Joei, Jenn, and Kristin. (Thank you Ladies.)

And another post came up on the other board. It announced another member's BFP, positive pregnancy test. Ouch it hurt. Not even a sorry, nothing. I know that she was excited, that she wanted and needed to share her good news. But, I couldn't take it. And I started to cry and deleted the board from my favorites without thinking twice. (WOW, I don't think I've ever acted that quickly on anything.) I don't know if it was the pain that I experienced or the envy that I was feeling towards a fellow infertile. Both feelings weren't nice and I needed to stop it immediately.

So, I went back to bed. T awoke slightly from his gentle slumber. He asked about the test. I told him in a quivering voice that it was negative. The tears silently came out again, he just hugged me. Finally, sleep came and I took a nap.

Emotional me continued for most of the morning. Cried in the shower. (Great way not to get stuffy.) And when I asked T if we could talk to his Aunt and Uncle about the whole process, financing, etc. He said, "I never said we couldn't talk to them about this and I think we should."

I'll fast forward to the afternoon. We went to visit with G, L, and the boys. We sat, chatted and ate. It was really nice. But, I was losing my nerve. T new and broached the subject for me. For this I am forever grateful.

L gave me the number of a person who handles their insurance now. Who will be able to help us find supplemental insurance.

G told me her story. When she was younger, her appendix burst. Unknown to her it had caused a severe amount of scar tissue. The scar tissue had ruined one of her tubes. The doctor found this out once he performed an ultra sound. They manipulated her ovulation from the one good side, and after several years of trying she got pregnant. Unfortunately, it was ectopic.

She was brought in for emergency surgery. After several hours of surgery, she lost the baby, her one good tube and her bad tube. She was devastated. She met with her reproductive endocrinologist and he said in a few months we will start IVF.

How there was a woman that was going through IVF at the same time. How she boisterously yelled from her bed, about her failed cycles, and SEVEN successful cycles. Giving G hope.

She and L went through three cycles before they were successful with J. When they finally got pregnant with J, her numbers were precariously low. She was put on bed rest for the first trimester. But, after the first trimester, she was just fine.

After two years, she and L went through another cycle where T and D were conceived.

She continued. I remember feeling so angry for having to go through it. For not understanding. Looking at women, and being so critical because I wanted it so badly. She never forgets, but how she appreciated being pregnant all that more. Then, after she told me her story, she listened to me.

How I really don't like talking about it because I get emotional. How clomid has made me forgetful and mean. How I feel guilty that T isn't a Dad because of me. How envious I get. That I’m nervous that the clomid can do more harm than good.

Her therapy after knowing that I was in between. Good food, Mojitos, PiƱa Coladas, and ice cream. A woman after my own heart.

So, I thanked God for giving me G. For letting her be an Angel from heaven, here on Earth. For having her show me support, kindness and love. With reinforcement that miracles happen, seeing the boys you know that they do.

And that God knew that I would need her to get through this failed cycle, when we made plans two days ago.

After a long day, I felt at peace. Welcoming the cramps and the Wicked Witch. Allowing to start month 23 and cycle 14. Hopefully, it will be our third detected ovulation. After all, the third time is the charm. Hope, there she is again. Please play nice.

4 comments:

Joei said...

Your aunt sounds like an angel. I'm so glad you have someone to talk to... I know you have us, but, we can't hug you and make you Pina Colatas!!
I totally relate to deleting message boards! You crack me up!! :) Yes, the third time's a charm. And I think you have your baby's named all settled... Hope...
Love ya!!!

Ellen K. said...

The shower is almost my favorite place to cry over a BFN (I also had a BFN this weekend on IUI #3). I've deleted so many message board favorites in the past 2 weeks... it's just too hard to take some days, even from other IFers. Take care of yourself!

susie said...

I'm so sorry...was so hopeful. I'm glad you got to talk to G&L...sounds like exactly what you needed.

Anonymous said...

after reading your blog, just can't help but to comment... dont give up and all the best of luck to you.

i can totally relate to how you are feeling. myself have gone thru 2 miscarriages in 7 months. even though its not exactly the same situation, i am sure the sorrow are very much the same.

third time lucky, they said. fingers crossed for the both of us... :-)