I am a failure.
Mr. Webster, I will need your help in defining the word and to explain.
fail‧ure –noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure. 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear. 7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.
As you can see, there were many more definitions. I will focus on the ones that apply to me.
As I said before, I am a failure. It has been brought to my attention that I have failed or proved unsuccessful in trying to have a child. Due to my nonperformance of pursuing extraordinary measures of having a child, I have failed. And therefore, I have proved to be even more unsuccessful. As I have proved above, I am a failure.
Why does this bother me so? Well, because I have never truly failed at anything. I used to joke that my parents gave me the initials of the grades they did not want to see in my report card; C, D, and F. Usually, I can work hard at something. Put all of my energies and try to change a potential failure into a success.
With trying to conceive, I can’t do any more than I have. Yes, I could face facts and go to the next step with my husband and enter the world of ART. But at this point, I am not ready. Because ultimately, I know too much. I know that ART is not a guarantee. And if I am having this much trouble with my current failures (25 months fast approaching 26), wouldn't it be safe to assume that further failure may put me over the edge? After all, if I and my body failed at ART, then we would be the ultimate failure. Mentally, I cannot survive that at this point.
So, what can a failure do? Well, if you are me, you feel guilty. Yes, add that to the bag.
Mr. Webster a definition please. guilt–noun 2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Again, it consisted of a couple more definitions. But, this is the one that makes the most sense. I feel guilty over a failure that I ultimately have no control over and fell guilty that I am not strong enough to pursue stronger measures. Guilty for my absolute failure and fear of failing more.
Before this consumes me, and it is very close to doing that, I will be visiting with a counselor who has dealt with infertility herself. Maybe she can make me understand that I am not as terrible as I feel. That I can't possible be a failure, because nature failed to give me the working hormones to accomplish this task, and therefore my feelings of failure and guilt are misplaced.
Ultimately, it is irrational that I think of myself as a failure or feel guilty. Because there was no way of succeeding. It was Nature's failure, and therefore she/he should feel guilty. Maybe.