Thursday, November 30, 2006

Trials and Tribulations

I apologize for being so inconsistent with my blog. And if any one is still reading, this entry will not be light or fluffy.

Snippets of the last few months to explain my current feelings:

1. The Newport wedding was fine. Until, I find out from a third party that the bride is 11 weeks along. As I try to talk myself into being OK. I am approached by my husband's cousin who experienced male factor, and I start to cry. (Usually I am very happy when people tell me that they are experiencing, however with this couple the more I find out, the less I understand why they have been blessed.)

2. I saw the therapist and start to feel fine about things. It simply helped to chat about it with a real life person about infertility, who has gone thru it. She made me feel better. Not sure how. She taught me relaxation technique, more on that later.

3. Tuesday before Thanksgiving I talk to my cousin for about an hour. She is the only cousin that I have spoken to about infertility. Also, in those same conversations, I also told her how I CANNOT wait for her and her husband to get pregnant. Honestly, believe that they will make wonderful parents etc. More on this later.

4. Wednesday I go to the therapist and feel like a million bucks after. She teaches me a relaxation technique and it makes me feel great. I leave there and go see a cousin that I haven't seen in years because she lives in Portugal. Basically, she too has been experiencing infertility. She and her husband chose to live child free because she would have had to travel 4 hours by plane to get diagnosed and treated. It made me feel better to talk to her, because I felt less alone. Unfortunately, she doesn't live around here. Maybe I will need to make her a pen pal :).

5. Thanksgiving. Overall a great day. Make the turkey and stuffing without hurting anyone and from all accounts, it tasted great too.

6. Start doing the relaxation technique. Feel like a million bucks.

7. Saturday, I go shopping at a really early hour. Great news is that the pregnant army as well as the young family army is not there. FANTASTIC! I have found the right time for me to go shopping.

8. Sunday, my sister calls me up. We are chatting about Thanksgiving etc. When she tells me that my cousin is pregnant. The one first to be told about the infertility. She never told me that she and her husband were trying again. She had told me that they weren't trying. During the hour long conversation, we chatted about everything else. But never once did she hint at a possible pregnancy. Her parents are throwing her a surprise birthday party in two weeks. I am deathly affraid of the all important grand announcement. I feel betrayed and anxious.

9. Tuesday, I try to explain to my mother why I am upset. She believes that I am jealous. It is the furthest thing from the truth. When ever I find out that someone else is pregnant, I don't get upset that they are pregnant and I am not. I get upset that body cannot accomplish this "simple" task. I get angry at myself. Also, I tried to explain that the reason I am upset with Sandy is that I feel betrayed that she didn't tell me. That I was not worthy of being told. When I had deemed her worthy for her to know of my own problems. After this conversation, I experienced a minor anxiety attack. (I hadn't had one in years.) I get home and do the relaxation exercise and I feel better.

10. Wednesday, I decide that I need to tell my boss that the therapy sessions will be a regular thing. He asks if anything is wrong. I tell him that nothing is wrong, that I just needed to talk to someone. He asks if has to do with fertility. I admit that it does. He tells me to try and not to blame myself, that there is nothing wrong with seeing someone, and that his wife also had to undergo treatments to have his daughter. I am reminded that I have a great boss.

11. I get into the car. And feel fine. All of the sudden I am feeling anxious again. I have not been able to get rid of that feeling since yesterday. I didn't really sleep. I've tried to do the exercise three times and I still cannot quiet my mind. My next appointment isn't until next Wednesday. I really would like to relax.

What the hell is wrong with me?


Anonymous said...

Nothing is wrong with you, Dianne. It's hard to be able to recognize the beginnings of an anxiety attack and to soothe yourself. It takes time and practice (unfortunately most of us have far too many opportunities to practice).

I'm sorry that your cousin didn't tell you about her pregnancy, and also that your mom wasn't particularly helpful in her response. My mom usually doesn't know what to say, either.

It's great, though, that you have such a supportive boss and like your new therapist. The only suggestion I can make is to be sure to carve out time for YOU that is not IF-related. It really helps me to have an automatic response to a stressful IF moment -- "Eff this, I'm going home to sit on the couch and watch a cheesy movie, or drink some wine, or shop on Amazon." Sometimes I find that the prospect of doing that is soothing enough that when I get home, I don't need to indulge after all.

Joei said...

I just posted, but it doesn't look like it went through, WTH!!
1. I agree with Ellen. Sounds like an anxiety attack, and indulgence sounds like a fabulous plan!!
2. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. They are great!! Maybe massage therapy would be another good option, too! and fun!!
3. Your boss sounds amazing!!
4. Your cousin made a big mistake... I'm sure she wasn't trying to hurt you...
5. Our mother's went to the same school of sensitivity... INsensitivity, that is... I know you aren't jealous of your cousin, but if you were, you have every right to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it!
6. I love you!

Anonymous said...

Dianne, I'm glad to see you blogging again! I've missed you.

I completely understand why you feel betrayed by your cousin. She felt awkward about sharing the BIG news with you and didn't want to hurt you, so she took the cowardly way out. That was wrong. You have every right to be upset.

I'm sorry your mom doesn't get it. Like most of our parents, she just has no frame of reference for this. Try to remember when she says something insensitive that if there was anything she could do to take away your pain, she would -- in a heartbeat.

Wishing you peace.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I had a friend do this to me too--we spent hours discussing infertility and her pretending that they weren't even trying. And then at the three month mark, she had her sister call me to tell me that she's pregnant. And it made me feel like a fool. She wasn't sparing my feelings because she still had to tell me in the end. I'm sure in retrospect, she would choose a different way to tell you. It sounds like she got stuck and didn't know what to do--to tell you in a way that wouldn't hurt you and more than you're already hurting.

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.