Adventures of the Crazy Pill - Part II

This morning my super duper expensive ovulation predictor told me it detected my LH surge, the pre-curser to ovulation. It is only cycle day 11. My eyes nearly popped out of my head because not only is it cycle day 11, but I NEVER have detected a surge earlier than cycle day 15 with or without drugs. So, I called the nurse when I got to my car and went on my merry way to work.

I was ½ mile away from work, when she returned my call and told me to come in for blood work before 9:30 am. It was 8:40 am, during rush hour traffic, and I was 22 miles away. So, I took the back roads, cut thru several towns, caught the highway at a less congested spot, and then speeded. I got to the REs office with 10 minutes to spare, before the courier took all the blood away to the lab!

The woman who took my blood, put a little Band-aid on my arm. It wasn’t enough. I have blood all over my right sleeve. I did stop at a grocery store for more Band-aids and a Tid* p*n. Turns out that those pens don't take out blood. Oh well. It only spreads it around and increases the stain.

Got back to work by 10:30 am!

It was crazy, and the craziest part. Blood indicated that I didn't experience an LH surge. The machine screwed up, even though it never had before.

Tomorrow’s plan, back to the RE for ultrasound and more blood.

FYI – on the weight loss – it is only temporary. At least has been in the past. I tend to loose some water weight at the beginning of the cycle while taking Clomid and then gain it all back plus some that I can’t get rid of no matter what I do. But for now, I will appreciate fitting comfortably into ALL of my clothing.

And my craziest thought during the last 10 days, my mother sounds like Bor*t, especially when she says "Very nice." So much so, that I couldn't not talk to her on Tuesday, fingernails on a chalk board.

Aggression - What aggression?

Well, T and I have decided to pursue selling the condo - we are meeting with the Realtor later in the week. (Need to finalize that appointment.)

My first order of business is to clean the condo - again - very thoroughly. At one point I thought of hiring someone to do it. Considering I ALWAYS hurt my back and my allergies are very bad after which kicks my asthma into high gear. But, after feeling a bit itchy in my skin, I think the answer is to pour myself into the cleaning.

Sadly, I am almost done with the last baby blanket and I still don't know of the 6th, 2007 baby. And I don't know why this bugs me - but when I say this - all of the babies in the last two years have come in threes. And I want to know the sixth - because we have five! And my crazy infertile mind helps me make the calculations that would make us the sixth.

Lastly, I've lost five pounds while on the Clomid. The night sweats have been a killer this time around. Maybe it is REALLY working. Ultrasound is on Thursday, and I've started to POAS for the fancy ovulating monitor. Time will tell.

Adventures on the Crazy Pill

I start taking the crazy pills tonight. You may be asking, what is the crazy pill? That is my not so affectionate name for Clomid; because it makes me loopy, forgetful, impatient, and mean. There is no way around it, I am not myself while on it.

The pill gives me insight to people who suffer from mental ailments. Because while on it, I believe I am slightly off. Actually, I know that I am slightly off. Most of the time I’m on it, I wonder is this me or crazy pill. None of my feelings are my own. I question every emotion, thought, because I don’t feel myself. I feel out of control. Add to it, I also usually feel nauseous, and dehydrated; and get night sweats, headaches and cramps. On a good point, I loose a little weight!

Can you tell how much I am looking forward to taking this wonder drug? And I do consider it to be a wonder drug, because it did start my ovaries down the road of functioning – remember I’ve ovulated in every cycle (four cycles all natural) since first taking it. (Granted we have no idea what kind of ovulation, but we will know this cycle.)

So, what is a girl to do?

1. Seek therapy: Went yesterday! Scheduled another appointment for April 10th. Very much closer than the usual monthly appointments.
2. Continue Yoga: Went last night! Unfortunately, next weeks class is cancelled, major BUMMER. Maybe a good excuse to go for a message or pedicure.
3. Keep plugging away at relaxation practice: Bought some music and CD clock/radio to help me. And also must start doing twice daily – currently only do it once a day.

Not sure if this will help cope with crazy pill – but a girl can try.

My Mom, makes me cry.

Today, I went to see the counselor. And when she asked, “How are you doing?” I answered with a knee jerk, “I’m fine.” But then remembered where I was, and quickly added, “There is so much going on, that I don’t know where to start.”

And I started to tell her about: the BFN, the insurance application, the confrontation with RE’s office, the ring-a-mar-roll of the insurance, the self imposed deadline, the up and coming baby showers, the bridal shower, etc. All the stress which has become my life.

But, I was only emotional when we talked about my Mother which came up with my cousin’s and friend’s baby showers.

Yesterday, I went over my parent’s house for dinner. T was working late, and they were reimbursing me for the stamps and other incidentals of my sister’s save the dates. So we were chatting. Reminded them that my friend S’s baby present should be coming to their home soon. (Basically, getting things mailed to my apartment is a disaster, so I often just send it to them.) The look came.

My Mother has a look of pain that crosses her face every so often. I first noticed it when we were shopping at a craft shop for my sister’s bridal shower. She saw a pregnant lady, and the look crossed her face. I noted it, and didn’t say anything. Last night, it hit her face again. Especially when we were talking about my cousin’s pending baby, and her baby shower in April. The look was full on. And I noted it again.

What hurts, is that she can’t recognize that if she is in pain, I must also be in pain. Instead of being on our own corners of pain, we could be bonding over it. We could be commiserating over the feelings of being left behind, our longing for a wanted child which may never come, and our sadness which is my infertility.

But, I am reminded that she isn’t wired that way. And I am reminded that to pursue getting emotional support from her, will only end badly, which saddens me. Another thing to get over.

On a side note, the counselor asked me if there is any way I could get out of the baby showers. Because I told her that my cousin's is causing me some anxiety. I told her, that I can't miss either. My cousin and my relationship could not stand the weight of me not going, she would take it personal. And for my friend, I want to be there. She has been a great support to me during this saga, that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The part I didn't tell her, is that I am doing some things which will get me in the right frame of mind. Tells which I just noticed myself. When I am going to an event, which either is coming after a bitter BFN (even possibly coming) or makes me nervous. I try to find a generous gift and find a perfect outfit to wear. Check on the gifts, but I still need to figure out the outfit. :). There could be worse ways to cope.

Ironic

March 18th, yesterday, marked our 2 and half year anniversary of trying to concieve. It also marked the start of my 20th cycle - our first IUI cycle.

For some reason, it seems significant that all of these events fell on the same day. Only time will tell.

Why is it, when one thing goes right, another goes wrong?

*Please note that I posted this intoxicated, and have realized since that there were some errors. So, I've edited as appropriate.*

I am so aggravated. The funniest part, it has nothing to do about infertility. On that front, things are looking fine. I've been spotting since yesterday afternoon, AF is just around the corner. On early morning Monday, I will have my first dildo cam for a baseline ultrasound of the good old ovaries. Maybe we will get to see the cysts that go with Ovary Syndrome.

Today, I finished 154 save the dates and envelopes for my sister's wedding. I've been dealing with more aggravation than I can tell you. Her sister-in-law is a CUNT.

(Now if you know me in real life I've only refered to one other woman with that name. She was a boss that got me fired for a personality conflict. I still have dreams of her spontaneously combusting. She made my life MISERABLE for three years. The last year and half, I would wake up from deep sleep having panic attacks - I cried on my train ride home more than once. So you know that I don't use that word loosely.)

You may be asking than why does she deserve that title. Well, she has blamed me for everything. My sister lives on an island off of Massachusetts. It makes it difficult for her to come home. And she doesn't come back and forth since she has finished her degree (she did this for the last year and half.) So, many things have to go thru email and telephone.

She has done much of her planning on her own. And I've helped her when ever I can, that is why I am the Matron of honor. Now, I don't take that title lightly, anything she has asked, I've done. Including writing 154 save the date invitations. The envelopes aren't a big deal, they took me less than five hours. The invitations took me hours, days, weeks! They were a serious PAIN in the ass.

In addition to the save the dates, I've been instructed to do the engagement party invitations and envelopes (which were completed in September), wedding envelopes, and the seatting cards.

Last weekend, when I drove an hour to go to my sister's sister-in-law's house, to visit with her and her mother to fix the wedding list. They spewed their ideas on how things should be. I kept on saying, this is not my wedding, this is my sister's wedding. And this is what she wants. The mother of the groom asked to write the invitations for her side, I told her that my sister asked me to do it, that she wants it done in calligraphy. She asked not to write names on the inside of the wedding invitations, I told her that I have done invitations for three weddings and etiquett requires you to do the inside envelope. They told me not to send the invitations any earlier than two months - I told them, my sister wanted to do it three months in advance considering they have approximately 50 guests coming from the island (who would need hotel, air/boat, and a car). They told me that there was no need for a hotel reservations, I reminded them of the 50 guests. I didn't bother to tell them that I called the car rental place for a discount - thought that would bring them over the edge. After three hours of this crap, I was done. OUT...sent them the revised list via email - yes, I drove there, sat thru that crap, made the edits by hand, and then had to type everything out - because they refused to do it and send it to me.

It gets better.

The sister-in-law views me doing these things as taking over, she also thinks I'm taking over the bridal shower. Now, when I say this, I am not exagerating. I've done research on locations, found a place that would hold the 111 people that we need to invite. I asked the bridesmaids, including the sister-in-law for ideas for locations. Told her that my parents would be paying for location and food - approximately $3,000.

So, I went with my parents to various locations. Heck, there weren't many choices. After the five of them were thru with our options for dates, we only had three dates. With the number of invitees, we only had three locations that would comply. The choice was an easy one. So, my parents and I went to the location, tasted the food etc.

On that weekend, my parents and I went to the stores. I wanted to see what was out there for options for center pieces, etc. We went into a particular store and there were so many Nantucket items. And I thought my sister would really appreciate that we used a theme surrounding a place that is becoming her home. So, I went back to the bridesmaids.

They all agreed that we should go forth with the Nantucket theme. So, I went out and bought the vases, a cork board, and basket which all fit into that theme. Thought, wow, we are really getting a lot done.

When I threw out the theme idea, and before, I also included invitation ideas, wording invitation ideas, gift ideas, favor ideas etc. The invitations were over ruled with other suggestions. Favor ideas were over ruled by the sister-in-law. I took all this in stride. I liked the invitation and gift suggestions, and I rolled with the punches. I took the defeat on the favor suggestion. Tried to be complient. (The only one who objected was the sister-in-law.)

But the invitation wording, my sister's sister-in-law saw things one way. And I kept on bitting my lip, until she brought it to everyone's attention. And I spoke up. Yes, I realized it was probably going to cause problems before I started typing. But, I knew I had to say something before my brain became, my brain on clomid (PMS * 1,000).

So, I told her, that I thought that the bridal shower is an event for the girl, where as the rehearsal dinner is more for the boy. I told her, that I thought that the shower invitation should state that is in the honor of my sister and not in honor of my sister and her brother. I also told her, that it isn't because I am trying to slight her brother, but that I wanted to give my sister this party in her honor. Well, the sister-in-law from hell didn't like that.

She told me that I shouldn't have posted it, etc. (One of the other bridesmaids started a forum, very good idea, considering my in box was getting inundated by this event.) I told her, that I posted it to make sure that I wasn't out of line. No one disagreed with me, but no one agreed with her, either.

She went off. Basically accused me of taking over, doing everything I wanted, and that I should take care of it and tell her later what she owes. I told her, that I have not run EVERYTHING but all of the BRIDESMAIDS have been giving their input. That I had the emails to prove it, etc. And that she was blaming me for something that I have no control over - the Calligraphy etc.

But the damage was done, I am the bitch. But, the truth is that I was glad I said what I said. I was glad that stood my ground. Until today.

Today, my sister said, "I'm not picking sides. This isn't my problem."

Really, today, I wanted to say - I don't want to be your matron of honor. Ask you sister-in-law. Remember the wedding invitations and table cards, you can ask you sister-in-law to do them. And you know what, good for her. Because this job, is only giving me more stress. And if you don't remember, I have enough FUCKING stress in my life.

Instead, I finished ALL of the save the dates that I had. Instead, I went to two craft shops to find more save the dates. Instead, I came home and finished the save dates. And sent an email to my future brother-in-law asking for the additional information, considering I asked the same information from his sister, and she refused to respond. (Real grown-up.)

If only I didn't unconditionally love my sister, I would of told her to fuck herself. Instead, I am so pissed, that I am blogging about it. ERRR....I hate being the better person....it sucks.

Happy Dancing!

YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE - YIPPEE

Yes, after Tuesday's frustrations - I talked to my sister and good friend S. And after reading the Imperfect's (Imperfect, but still better than most insurances.) medical plan. I thought, there might be a way to still do the IUI this cycle. But, I wasn't sure. It could of been the two glasses of wine talking. And I needed to check something with Useless (Useless Insurance, but it is cheap and primarily paid by T's company and it is better than nothing.).

Basically, after reading and re-reading - calling - and pestering. I found that Useless will pay for anything diagnostic. So, up to the first procedure, they will cover anything everything diagnostic. So devious Dianne was thinking - Why not?

Why not use Useless for the ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc? I am more than willing to pay for the Clomid out of pocket - I have before. And if Useless pays for the ultrasounds, and Imperfect pays for the IUI and anything after the fact. Well, I wouldn't have to sit this cycle out.

So, I called and confirmed that Useless will pay for the diagnotic ultrasounds. And after 8 calls between today and yesterday, I finally talked to the insurance lady to relay my devious plan. Now, I was a little aggravated, but I also know she thought I was calling to find out if my PC had called with the referal which is needed. But, she never gave me a chance too tell her why I was calling. Regardless - I am currently doing the happy dance.

I explained my hair brained idea. And she graciously told me that all of the ultrasounds and blood work is ALWAYS marked as infertility diagnostic. YIPPEE! Lets screw Useless! YIPPEE! Than she told me that my idea would not work for Imperfect, because they require authorization before the start of a procedure. But, than she looked thru my chart.

Drum roll please. Approvals are only required for injectible IUI cycles! And imperfect, only requires a referal for the IUI clomid cycles. Yes, lets say this together - YIPPEEE!

I feel like...

Let me start off by saying, I anticipated this possibility. Also, there is a very good chance that I may be getting my panties in a bunch - but at this moment and time. I would like to have a good cry. Instead, let me tell you my story.

On Saturday, I had received the invoice and my card. WOO HOO I'm in business - at least this is what I thought. Yesterday, I go to the local C*S to pick up the clomid scrip (my last round on the fun pill). And the insurance, which I had just sent a check to, denied it.

Well, I wasn't too worried. And thought, they haven't gotten the check. So, I called the insurance company. The representative told me that my suspicions were correct. He also went on to tell me that I would need a referral from my PC. And that about the co-pay. Also he told me were to find exact information about the coverage etc. What a difference from my other insurance.

So, I called my primary care and started the process for the referral. And for once, I do feel like someone at that office has my best interests. It could be that I was very specific about my cause and maybe she found some empathy - she even wished me good luck. But, the process couldn't be done today and I may need to wait. She promised to call me back as soon as it is completed.

Now, the aggravating part, I have been trying to get answers from my REs office since Friday. I've called seven times. Generally, they are really good about responding and I don't know the reason for this last debacle. But, I finally got a call back with my questions answered. After I was done, I finally got to speak to the insurance lady.

She was also very courteous. But, per her, it takes two to four weeks for insurance approval of a cycle. So, as of today, I am very close to the beginning of my period; she should be here tomorrow to four days from now. I sit here and I want to cry. Because I was all ready to start this - to do my first IUI this month. TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS! And it may not happen.

Yet, the optimistic part of me is saying. Well, you may not get your period for another week. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe your PCOS can work in your favor, just once. And you know the earliest you've ovulated on Clomid is CD 18. SO that is about three weeks.

UGH...I still want to cry. AF is just around the corner. I can feel her knocking.

Here I am again, expecting the worst and praying for the best.

HAHAHA - the High Priestess - HAHAHA

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Insurance

I promised months back to share my research on insurance. And I am hesitant. Because in doing the research, I realized that it is very state specific. So, I will begin by saying the following - this is what I have found to be true in Massachusetts.

Also, I am hesitant to be certain what I found to be completely accurate - I'm still in shock and in complete apprehension mode. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In Massachusetts the state law makers mandate infertility treatments - if you are in what they consider to be child bearing age, your FSH is at exceptable parameters, and there is no reason to believe you should not be able to get pregnant.

But, the law only mandates fully insurance careers, because these are the only plans governed by Massachusetts law. Yes, this is where it gets disappointing. If you work for a company with a self insurance plan, you don't qualify. And T and I work for two companies that use self insurance plans.

So, our work insurances did not cover infertility treatments at all. And the law did not require them to.

My RE advised me to search for a second insurance career. The local laws would apply because I would be buying a plan on my own. So it is secondary insurance in the sense, I will continue my current insurance and also the additional plan I purchased.

The one advantage of the law, is that the insurance company cannot deny me based on an infertility diagnosis. So, I do benefit from that - not to mention I will be able to take advantage of purchasing the insurance. It will save us several thousands of dollars each procedure, despite an additional $300 co-pay for each procedure and co-pays for the drugs. But, I'm not complaining.

So this is what I've learned, I hope that this helps in some way. And like I said previously, I did this reasearch on my own, and it could be wrong. But, I PRAY that it isn't.

Must remember to breathe.

As with most things with this infertility crap, something is going wrong. As most of you know, the insurance has been approved. I received my first bill of at least six in the mail yesterday – and it was higher than expected. The insurance cards should be arriving soon, but the bill includes my insurance number. So, I should be good to go, right?

Well, we are also going into my busy few weeks. I work for a company with foreign subsidiaries. And two of the more demanding foreign subsidiaries – because of antiquated laws – require actual board meetings. Which in themselves aren’t bad but when you need to coordinate VERY busy people’s schedules, it makes your life miserable. So, in my latest attempt of being proactive, organized, and to keep my job; I called the REs office, because I will also need to coordinate monitoring with the VERY busy people’s schedules. Can we say crap!

Since, November – saying this may jinx everything but – I’ve had somewhat normal cycles. I’ve actually ovulated every cycle since October. So, I ovulated this cycle as well. And I expect my cycle to start early next week. (The only reason I can come up with is that the clomid kick started my ovaries or that the clomid is still in my system and stimulating the ovaries. I hardly believe this will be a continuous situation.) The cycles themselves are hardly "normal", but I am not complaining, anything less than 60 days is a minor miracle.

I called the REs office, I wanted to know when I will be monitored etc. Get this one – the IUIs were to be unmonitored. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Excuse me? So, I kindly spoke to the nurse and made the following points in a – listen to me, I am not effing around kind of way.

1. I absolutely insist in a MONITORED cycle.
2. Because we have no idea what kind of ovulation I’m currently having. If it is producing a worthwhile mature follicle or how many.
3. I have a limited time on this secondary insurance and therefore a limited amount of procedures.

The response, the nurse thought I was demanding that she change it immediately to a monitored cycle. I told her, I am not unreasonable. I was making my point to find out the best way to proceed with the doctor to change her stance of monitored versus unmonitored. She said she would talk to the doctor on Monday and I should call back then.

Realizing that my blood pressure is through the rough right now and I also know that my doctor is a reasonable person and if she relays the information accurately – she will agree to monitored IUIs. But, at this exact moment, I feel if it isn’t one thing it is another.

Oh – and in completely unrelated infertility news – did I tell you I am my sister’s matron-of-honor. Currently planning my sister’s bridal shower with six other women. The task of getting more than one woman to agree on anything – well it is hurting my head. Than add to the mix – mind you I am writing up 154 save the date invitations in Calligraphy, outside envelopes for the save the dates, bridal shower invitations and wedding invitations – and her list of invitees sucks! I called her to provide me more information and she tells me that she doesn’t know and that I am on my own. Again, what the fuck?

So, I sent the list to the groom’s sister, begging for help. She sent me an email about how she and her mom were very disappointed in the list. I tell her, believe me, I understand and that I absolutely need this list to be perfect, because I will be referring to it for the next six months constantly! Totally want to get it right. So, now, I am meeting her and her mother on either Monday or Tuesday to do my sister's list.

Not to mention, I have another bridesmaid, who is our cousin, and she is all ready complaining about the financial obligations. Crap, the most we will need to contribute is $200 each– which includes the gift! And I doubt it will be that much. Why, because my parents are paying for the location and food – it is what they did for me and they want to do it for their other daughter.

Now, this is why it is bugging me so much – my sister and I were in my cousin’s sister’s wedding a few years back. The bridesmaids paid for EVERYTHING – cost about $600 a piece – there were six of us. And they spared no expense – they had it at that same place T and I got married – it was expensive for a shower. Her reasoning – just graduating don’t have job. Well, my sister was in high school and I had just graduated and was working for below minimum wage. Nope, did not have the money to spend. But I found it, and my parents paid for my sister. So, I am extremely tempted to say, “Suck it up. You shouldn’t of said yes. You knew the time frame, and you also knew that you would need to fork money up.”

The funniest part is that I was just talking to my sister’s future sister-in-law saying that these girls did not have any money to spend. That she and I were the most established in our lives. One is starting her own business. The other three are just graduating from college, in Vet school, and in Grad school. In other words, we must find a way to keep costs down.

All right, I think I’m done. If you actually read this bitch session, thank you. I feel better. Err…why can’t life go smoothly?

Something is in the air – hope.

A few posts ago, I referred to a party I attended. It was at my infertile acquaintances’ home and many people who I haven’t seen in about a year were there. It was a bizarre night in many ways because it was focused around P*mpered Chef, babies, pregnancies, and infertility.

I went with my friend S, who is 20 weeks pregnant, she had just found out that she is having a baby girl. She and her husband are very excited, it is there first. Earlier that day, they had been registering for the little one. (As S knows, I can’t wait to meet the new addition!)

We enter and the first words were words of congratulations. Our hosts have had four miscarriages in the last two and half years. Their pain is evident, and yet they mask it thru countless baby pictures of little ones conceived by their family and friends. They wisked B and S away, and I was standing there. To be expected, and totally not intentional – they were masking their pain.

We walk in and S and I are discussing the various baby pictures. We were admiring some of the children, since they were children of high school acquaintances. It was very neat to see them.

A little while passed and my friend G entered with her best friend L and L’s new addition Ava. I hadn’t seen Ava, life had gotten in the way. And she is GORGEOUS. Couldn’t help but “ooo and ahh” over her myself.

Later, the women stepped into the living room. I sat on a chair – attempting to be away from the baby. Instead, the new mom sat next to me with the little one. I couldn’t help but continue my wine drinking and stare at the little one. The host sat next to me and we both stared at the little one. She is super cute. The presentation starts and finishes.

I ask L to hold her baby. That did it – I smelled hope. I had forgotten that hope had a smell. So wish I could bottle it up. Ava smelled like hope to me. So distinctive. Yet, up to that day, forgotten by me. So I held her for a little while and sniffed her (just call me the baby sniffer). It was beautiful – life affirming – hopeful. How I wish I could package it up for my darkest days.

As is completely is expected, Ava started to cry. Her mom took her from me and started to sooth her. I went into the bathroom. Because her wailing, it was piercing my heart. I wanted her to stop. So, I went to the bathroom and sung “LALALALA” in my head to block it out. Luckily, she is a good baby and that was it. Then I remembered the smell of hope.

Immediately after, my friend G told me what my Mom had said to her. My mortification was self evident to G. But, after a few glasses of wine, she had some additional courage and she asked “How is everything going with that?” And since I had a few glasses of wine myself, I answered. I told her about my absolute terror of the insurance application. How I’ve been seeing a counselor to mentally prepare myself for the next steps. And that by the end of the year, one way or another this will be done.

By this point, my friend S had joined the conversation, none of what I was saying is new to her. But, still I shocked her, “You’ll know by the end of the year?”

And I answered, “Yes. Once I get the courage to send in the application. It will be waiting for the approval, and starting the procedures immediately. There is no stopping. Must do my three IUIs and Gift. After that, only God knows.”

G says, “Well I don’t know of any couple more deserving.” And I respond, “It isn’t about deserving, crack whores have children. Sometimes it is about those children being destined to be born”

****

And as most things – my brain requires me to think things a little bit further. Destined children. I wrote this entry about children which were destined in my own family. Despite medical complications and drugs, some children are just meant to be.

When I say this, I include all children. Children created by ART, to me, are just as meant to be as children created “naturally”. My line of reasoning, there are all blessings with spirit and conscious. They are all miracles of life – they were born despite the great odds against them. And the medical community has been given inspiration, knowledge and courage to pursue those procedures thru God. So all children are miracles of life.

My point is - it isn’t about deserving. It is about things that are completely out of our control. For me, it is about doing as much as I can and praying that destiny has been determined to give me a child. And knowing, that no matter what I do or don’t do (when we decide to get off this bumpy road) It won’t make a difference, because God knows my limitations and he knows that if it is destined for a child to be born of myself and my husband – that he will find away.

The reality is maybe a genetic child isn’t intended for us.

It could be that I have finally – Let Go and Let God.

N.B. The insurance application has been approved. I will start next cycle (expected around March 15th) with IUI number one. Thank you for helping me get to this mentally prepared state. I couldn’t of gotten here without you.

Have you met, Missy and Sam?

My cats :). Sam is the orange tabbie and Missy is the calico. Unfortunately, this is an old photo and Missy is much bigger - but she is still that beautiful.

(Can you tell that I needed to get the other post off the top?)

My Mother

Please note that this post is not about working mothers or that topic. This post is about my Mother and my own thoughts and feelings.)

Why is that every time I talk about my Mother, I have this need to start by saying “I really love her, but.”

During my life my Mother has never been like other mothers. She worked full time, and I was her part time duty. Sadly, this is exactly how I always felt. It wasn’t the other way in our household.

She never came to school events or dropped me off the first day or came to my kindergarten graduation. She took pictures of those first school events, then sent me in the bus.

When I got old enough (about 6), I was a latch key kid. I would let myself in, do my homework, and watch TV. Later, at about 8, I was given the responsibility of caring for my younger sister who was two at the time and did until I started my first job at 14. I wasn’t allowed to do after school activities; no dancing or musical instrument or sports.

And when I say tell you these things, it isn’t for you to feel bad for me. Because most of the time, I didn’t know any better and was perfectly content. The weekends I would play with my cousins and I was a normal kid.

It is now, as I look back at it, I realize that I didn’t have much of a normal childhood compared to other people. I look at the situation and ask why? And I realize that it is because my Mother didn’t have a normal childhood either.

She was the eldest to a mentally ill Mother. As a result, at the age of ten, she was forced to be responsible for her three younger siblings when her mother was institutionalized. She grew up very early. And at the same time, there are many characteristics she has that shows me she never truly grew up either. Both resulting from this very same reason.

As I need to say this, we are far from a normal family.

And the family dynamics! They are very much set in stone and as a result, if I try to deviate all hell breaks loose. (I believe this is why my Mother is having such a hard time with my infertility.)

For all intents and purposes, I’ve always been the easy child; healthy, hard working, easy going, obedient and accommodating. For the most part, I never bothered my Mother. She didn’t really have to act like a parent, because she raised a very independent person who followed her rules, never bothered her in any way, and took care of herself.

So now that I am dealing with infertility, she doesn’t know what to do with me. I am no longer easy. I am going thru a difficult time, which she has no idea how to relate to, commiserate, or empathize.

And this is the part that makes me feel as if I have a HUGE bruise on my forehead from hitting my head on a wall.

Despite the fact that she lost a child at 8 months of pregnancy; despite the fact that her OB didn’t give her a simple shot to counter her Rh- status, and caused her to be unable to have another child for five years; despite the fact that I know, from talking to an Aunt, that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to conceive again because it took over a year after for to get pregnant with my sister.

Despite all of that, she still can’t empathize. She can’t find any words that may help me. Instead she views my standing up for myself, as confrontational – bitchiness. A lack of compassion for her because I can’t see how it effects her – that all of her friends and family are grandmothers and how that is what she wants for herself. (She is very good at the Catholic guilt.)

My response to her insensitivity – to seek counseling, to talk to my sister (our relationship is stronger because of my mother), complain to T and realize that she is incapable of handling any of my problems. Since my role in the family dynamics is to help and not need help.

And use the same guidelines that I use for everyone else. Will setting them straight help in any way or will only cause me more aggravation. With my mother, the answer is 99.9% of the time B. As a result, except for when she asks (in a very high level way), I don’t talk about it.

But overall she is a good person. And all of those insensitive comments, hurtful looks, and feelings of inferiority – well I don’t think she intends them. I think they are her gut reaction, and instead of recognizing that and realizing how hurtful it is to me. She is incapable of seeing what she does to me.

Deep down, I know, that she cares that she wants to help. Because, here is another kicker, she will be giving me money for the insurance for the procedures. She wants to help. So ultimately, like most major events in my life, my Mother is helping me financially, instead of emotionally.

Sadly, most days I would rather the emotional support. But, I love my mother.

Ready or Not!

The insurance application has been sent today via fax. So ready or not, it is done.

My Pensieve

It is what my blog is turning into. A pensieve in which I hold life events and thoughts that may potentially consume me.

The latest three:

***
The future is no longer bright and sunny with endless possibilities to me. It is now, ominous and terrifying with limitations.
***
While out with my mother yesterday, I noticed that she too see all the babies and pregnant ladies of the world. Unfortunately she can’t get over her own sadness about the situation so that she can talk to me about it. Instead of her trying to empathize, she can only think about how it is effecting her which causes her to say and do inconsiderate things to me. And as time goes by, the rift in our relationship deepens.
***
My friend G last night told me that she saw my mother at a store. G was with her two children and her own mother. My mother proceeds to tell G and her mother, “No babies yet.” My mother has no idea whether or not G knows.

G and I were very close at one point, but life has gotten in the way and we don’t see each other all that often. So basically, my mother is outing me with people. So much for me keeping control of my circle of knowing.
***

Please donate. **With additions in the comment section.**

Thank you ladies for your words of support. No worries, I will indeed do the insurance application. The feeling of utter terror was so overwhelming, that I needed to vocalize it here before it consumed me.

This blog is a safe place, where without saying things out loud, I can say them here. And as a pensieve, my thoughts, feelings, etc. are held here without consuming me.

Ok...for the reason I am posting today.

My family and I are continuing my cousin's faithful service to the Brain Tumor Society and their yearly Ride for the Cure. As my part (since I am hoping to be ART cycling during the event), I thought to start a blog and I will be virtually riding.

The blog link is right here, please click Bobby's Bikers. And if you can spare any money, please do donate.

If you feel so inclined, please refer others to the blog. (I've posted some photos of the handsome man.)

Thank you all for everything.

Petrified by an insurance application.

Today, while I sat in my car and replayed (in my head) my telephone conversation with my sister, I realized that I am not just a little scared. I am petrified.

And this realization is only confirmed by having the insurance application on my dinning room table for several weeks. It remains in the sealed package it came in. I have been avoiding that package for its double meaning.

It means that once we are approved, we will HAVE to start our next step. And right now, it doesn’t just feel like a step. It feels like a huge canyon that I need to find a way around. The canyon created by my enormous fear of failure. My fear of failed cycles is only reinforced by my experience of failure in the last two years and five months. The only success has been to make the darn thing ovulate, what it is intended to do. Other than that, not one maybe baby. None.

Only hurt. Pain. Disappointment. Discouragement.

And I am scared of more failure, more pain, more disappointment and more discouragement. I am petrified of how destroyed I will be if the IUIs fail. If the G-IFT fails. If this long journey was all for nothing and all I will be left with is my worthless reproductive system.

The end point only intensifies my distress over doing procedures. It adds to my fear. Because each procedure will be one more step to the end of this road. It will be final and each procedure represents one step closer to that end. It scares me, how much those failed cycles will hurt.

(Yes, I know that they very well could work. But, the odds are still against us and this is what I need to remember to survive those possible failed cycles.)

And it doesn’t help that my parents BELIEVE that the IUI will work. Not a little belief, but full fledge they are going to be very disappointed belief. They don’t know how it feels to be that disappointed. I don’t want to be the cause for that disappointment; for that heart break.

All of this adds to my deep want to escape infertility. To avoid it all. To not think about us getting pregnant. To hide.

Anything, but to face what has become my reality - the insurance application.

The last part of the conversation – Dianne you are strong, and you will get thru this.

What I wanted to reply, “I don’t feel strong. I need someone to hold my hand. To help me sit down and face that application, because right now all I feel is petrified.”

Insecure, Unaccepted, and Unworthy.

Yesterday, my T and I went to a family party. It wasn’t a typical party, one in honor of my deceased cousin’s birthday. So, I felt an absolute need to be present.

Since December, I have completely avoided all of my maternal family parties. Mostly because, only way I can describe it, my girl cousins make me feel like I am in high school again – insecure, unaccepted and unworthy.

These feelings aren’t new. If I am realistic, they have always made me feel sub-par. I don’t wear designer jeans, own a house, or carry a Gucci purse. I wear JCrew jeans, own a condo, and carry a wide variety of cute purses but nothing too expensive. And when I am not in there presence, I feel mostly secure, accepted, and a worthy individual.

All of our conversations are superficial. I try to ask about there lives, at least the parts I know about, to find out how they really are. But, they never return the questions. They don’t want to know.

I feel like I am taboo.

Infertility has made it worse. It reinforces the feeling that I am being left behind with everyone I have grown up with. (All of the women in my lives, which I grew up with are either entering into motherhood or are mothers.) And I feel alienated from them. For the most part, this isn’t caused by anything they do, it is my own insecurity coming out.

It gets me to question, why would they want to remain friends with me. Since, you are friends with people that you have things in common with, and soon enough the largest part of their lives; I won’t be able to commiserate with, because I won’t have that in common with them.

My friends are limited. This really never bothered me before this last year. I have only a few very good friends. Unfortunately, the majority don’t live anywhere near me; only one lives within driving distance. I feel even more isolated. And in jeopardy of being even more lonely, since if I loose one more friend to infertility than I will only have two, etc. The loneliness I feel is increasing as we speak.

I have acquaintances, but I don’t see them regularly and they either work 70 hours a week or have families of their own. Although, I like them, and I think we could be very good friends. These circumstances make me feel less inclined to call them; because I know they are busy.

Work, I love my job for the content and excellent boss I have. But, it isn’t a very social group. No one around my age or able to go to lunch with (they are all part time). And it only increases my loneliness.

So, I’ve tried to do more activities on my own after work. Partly because I like the activities, but also I have a desire to make more friends. Granted, I have only started to do this recently, but I haven’t met one person besides the Yoga teacher or counselor. They are paid to hang out with me.

Maybe it isn’t my cousins, maybe it is me. And maybe they just remind me how worthless I feel. And the majority of the time, I can ignore it.

Counselor, procedures, and friends, oh my!

In November, when I first talked to my counselor – lets call her Saint – I told her that I was on a break until February. But, I was mulling over the idea of waiting out all the pending babies of 2007.

She quickly asked me why. I told her, “Well because when I am actively cycling using procedures, I get more emotional and I am afraid to go thru those emotions at same time as the events that go along with those births.”

Saint said, “If you start to do that now, you’ll never start any procedures. I will help you get thru those emotions.”

And I can’t help but agree. But, I am still fearful of the procedures and what it will do to me and my friends.

Luckily, I ran across this entry
by Tertia at So Close and I was given a voice to my thoughts. It is an entry about how to be a friend to an infertile.

(Yes, I know I’ve written a similar entry. But, this is from someone who has survived the infertility journey – jumped over the chasm and landed with twins! When I wrote my post it was written from the newly infertile point of view. I was starting to enter the middle portion of my journey, but I still was new at infertility.)

The following words Tertia uses, spoke volumes to me:

“5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.”

This is what I originally left out. Such an important part. Ask me, and I will tell you. But, most importantly accept it when I am having a good day. I still need and want to be your friend too. I want to be able to celebrate your blessings. I want to be able to go to the maternity store with you, the baby store, etc. I want to be able to see you experience mother hood. Because what you are experiencing is life changing. And, I want to be there for you. Seeing you going thru it all, because that is what friends do.

I know that I won’t always be able to go to those places or do those things. There are times (even when I am not going thru procedures) that I am not emotionally strong enough to do those things. But my good days (at least for right now) out weigh my bad days. And when I say, “Lets go.” Take me up on the good day, because I want to desperately share in your joy as much as possible. Since that is what friends do, they share in your life.

And it will help me feel like I may have won a battle against infertility – I’ll be reminded that my whole is stronger than my malfunctioning useless reproductive system. Enforcing, I will survive.

Story about Ovary donation!

Yup, you read that correctly. Please read this story about ovary donation between sisters.

Turns out that they have attempted it once before. Amazing what science can do. Too bad my sister and I don't even have the same blood type. Oh well. May be it can help someone else. So check it out!

Looking for signs.

I always do it. Looking for supernatural signs that something will happen. It could be an illogical need to try to figure out if I am doing the right thing, following a plan. Maybe it is the influence of my Grandmother. And I’ll need to think about that at another time. Right now, I want to talk about my signs.

When my cousin B died, on his death bed, I asked him to send me my Angel. (It was what his mother called him. Her Angel.)

I figured when his sister ended up being pregnant, it just meant that she needed her Angel more than I. And I needed to wait.

Immediately after B’s death, I had a recurring dream. It consisted of my father-in-law (who I never met) and my cousin B sitting at a bar. My father-in-law met him and asked if he wanted to chat a bit. They are talking about heaven and such, when a group of teens walk into the bar. My father-in-law turns to B and says “I want to introduce you to Dianne and T’s kids.”

A few minutes later, our three kids say “We thought to ask our cousins to come and visit.” My sister and cousins’ children walk in (some are his nieces and nephews).

Every time I wake up and smile, thinking that my kids are getting to spend time with their grandfather and my cousin. They are getting to know us thru them, just like they will get to know them thru us. And it leaves me with hope, that we will have a child (per my dream there will be three).

A few weeks ago, my family had a memorial mass for B. T and I attended and I vividly recalled this dream. The mass was immediately after my ovulation. And I was filled with hope. (Believe me, at this point, I was not feeling anything and I yelled at her to get away.) Nevertheless the mass left me feeling hopeful. And it reminded me of what I asked of B. To send me my Angel.

Soon after, a friend reminded me that everything happens in threes. In 2007, I know of 5 people giving birth. One has been born, and I am anticipating the arrival of the next four within the next few months. But for me, pregnancies/babies always happen in threes. And since I have five, I know that there will be a sixth very soon. And it gave me hope.

The moral of the story, I need to stop reading signs that aren’t there. Remember that most signs are only determined after the fact, even then it is more of someone reading meaning into something that probably has no meaning.

And the more I attempt to read signs, the more I am reminded that there is no plan. We humans must do the best we can, because there is very little pre-determined.

I’m becoming very cynical because of FALSE hope.

Oh Yeah, I hate you more! (And thank you!)

Yesterday, I realized that my body hates me just as much as I hate it.

I woke up on Friday in pain. My first thought, "Oh God, I have to go to work. It'll be OK, just fake it. Medicate and fake it."

Did my morning routine, then took M*trin (which usually works) and a Th*rmac*re heat wrap in the front of me.

Got into the car and realized that wasn't enough. Stopped at the grocery store and bought more heating pads. First thing I did when I got to work is to put one on my back too.

Then I started to work. *Beep*Beep*Beep*. Yes, today was going to be a busy day. Boss comes in, needs info. Try to obtain it and more *Beep*Beep*Beep*. (My em@il and inst@antm@ssenger alert me.)

Secretary and 37 week pregnant attorney chatting.

We work in very close quarters, and usually it doesn't bother me. But, the 37 week tummy was buggin me for some reason. Oh yeah, it could be because we were having cake in her honor. The reason I HAD to go to work today! I HAD to buy the cake.

Stayed until one and I couldn't take it any more. I still had several more hours of work. But, I realized that my eyes were tearing. And I didn't know if it was the physical pain (because it didn't subside) or the emotional pain.

So I went home.

I've never taken sick time for really bad cramps, but effectively I did yesterday. And I am reminded that there is a first time for everything. Came home and watched movies. And physically I didn't feel any better, but emotionally I was in a safe place with no extremelly pregnant bellies at eye level.

****

Thank you ladies for your virtual hugs, words of support, and helping hand. Emotionally I am doing much better today. Infertility sucks, but the community is B E A U T I F U L. Thank you. (Two little words that mean so much, but yet don't say it all.) I am very grateful for each and every one of you.

Ridiculous

Ridiculous for thinking that body could get pregnant “naturally,” after all ready having coming to that conclusion long before this cycle.

Ridiculous for taking all of you along on this roller-coaster ride.

Ridiculous that I gave my reproductive system any credit for getting anything right. (Probably a great lesson to have learned before starting the IUIs.)

Ridiculous that I fell for FALSE hope, AGAIN.

Ridiculous because my FALSE hope infected others, and how that makes me that so much more angrier because my reproductive cycle is not only effecting me, it screwing with so many others.

Hate, Loath, etc. (Yet, not strong enough words.)

I would like a separation from my reproductive system.

No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.

It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.

If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.

A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!

(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)

Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.

Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)

Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)

Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.

Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.

But, right now, it really hurts.

Hope Diminishing? **TMI ALERT**

This cycle is has been an emotional roller-coaster. But, since when isn't infertility?

The text book symptoms:
1. The spotting on cd 10 and 11.
2. Gums bleeding when brushing teeth. (I take very good care of my teeth, this hardly happens!)
3. Drinking over 100 oz. of water.
4. Bloody nose.

Yet, yesterday when I started to cramp, I thought that could be it, the Fat Lady knocking before her grand performance. But, instead, nothing was accompanied with it, which is customary. Then this morning, I saw something that resemblems my "normal" spotting (which included only old blood).

So, hope is diminishing. If the Wicked Witch shows today, it should be no later than this afternoon, and hope will be gone.

Yes, I'll be sad, but I'll live; which is my biggest lesson during infertily.

But, a little part of me wants to believe, doesn't want to give out hope just yet. Because the Fat Lady hasn't performed yet. And there those symptoms, and cramps can sometimes be a symptom themselves. How about the fact, you HAD to go to bed last night. And maybe what you saw resulted from yoga last night, which was a more rigorous class.

So, ultimately, I guess I still have a little hope. Which to me is better than too much hope and none at all. By default, cautious optimism may have won out. Huh, who would've figured that?

Relaxation Visual

In the technique I use, I have to visualize a place that I love. Welcome to my visual, in the next few days, I’ll need this photo help me remember a more relaxed time prior to all of the craziness of infertility, 2ww, and all other roller-coasters.

On the ledge again - TMI **UPDATED**

Pink on the TP. It is CD30 - 10 DPO. Much to early for my period. Need I say more?

I don't like the ledge, I'm afraid of heights. And the drop, hurts.

********

Still on the ledge. Err...feeling rather obsessive, slightly going mad.

Basically, my LP is usually about 16 to 20 days long. It is only 11 DPO. And not to mention but I don't usually spot longer than a day. Yesterday, well it was non-existent and today too. And no serious cramps which ALWAYS proceed AF by several days.

Very, very, very, very hopeful. And I don't want to be. UGH!

So, if AF doesn't show before this weekend, I will be peeing on a stick on Saturday. Although, I just hate spending the money. Especially since it could very well be all for not because my periods could last about 118 days.

Although peeing on a stick before is not a wise idea if it is a BFN. Should wash the bathroom floor, so that it is at least clean when I lay on it when I see the BFN. Because the fall is going to hurt.

Crochet - My hobby **UPDATED**

It started a month before we started to try.

A friend of T's was having a baby and we had gotten to be very close to this family. T was going to be the baby's Godfather. And I wanted to do something special.

I remembered that I knew some basic stitches in crochet and with my Mother's help and crochet book, I jogged my memory.

A whole 2 years 5 months. Since then I have made blankets for friends, family and acquaintances (aprx. 15). I have a secret desire to make a blanket for each baby I know.

And I am very grateful for this hobby and true joy. So, I'd thought I'd show you some of my work.

********

To answer some of your inquiries. I started by using a how too book. I wasn't really particular when I chose it. Since, I've given it away and I don't remember the name. It was actually a rather corny book that your grandmother would pick up. But it had great illustrations and it was enough to jog my memory.

From there I purchased several other books with fun projects and stitch ideas. I highly recommend; Stitch 'N Bitch Cr*chet: The Happy H**ker by Debbie Stoller and The Cr*chet Stitch Bible by Betty Barnden. Both of these books also have how to sections and would be able to help you get started.

Lastly, the bag I made up the pattern as I went. It was during an enlightened phase. Actually, I think I might start another. I need something to keep my mind off of things.

Pregnancy symptoms: Top ten signs you might be pregnant (And a rational thought process to stop the craziness of this infertile.)

I got this article in my email inbox. And my first inclination was to delete it. Up to that point, I was feeling great! Not anxious or compulsive about this current two week wait. Then I decided to read, and my mind started to race.

It started: Could you be pregnant? Most likely you won't notice any symptoms until about the time you've missed a period — or a week or two later.

OK, I thought to myself totally still good. Period isn’t expected until February 11th. Oh, that is weird. T and I started to date on February 11th and were engaged on that date. Maybe I should take the HPT on that day for extra luck. Stop that! So, as the starting to get crazy infertile, I keep reading.

It continues: If you're not keeping track of your menstrual cycle or if it varies widely from one month to the next, you may not be sure when to expect your period. But if you start to experience some of the symptoms below — not all women get them all — and you haven't had a period for a while, you may very well be pregnant. Take a home pregnancy test to find out for sure!

You should probably add in something about people on medications such as Clomid. Because that little wonder of a drug probably causes all of these symptoms and it definitely doesn’t mean pregnancy. And maybe you should put a disclaimer on this list of things. (The crazy infertile thoughts are diminishing, and the snarky side is coming out. There is hope in cautious optimism!)

Then I continue to read:

10. Tender, swollen breasts

No problem, not feeling this at ALL! Oh, I forgot I was feeling some tenderness a few days ago and that was probably due to ovulation. Check, logical explanation for that one.

9. Fatigue

Actually, I am feeling tired. Not completely unusual, but I am feeling DEAD tired. Like I could fall asleep at the keyboard. Reminder, I started new allergy meds and those always cause you to feel sleepy. And I forgot that T was coughing a lung up last night, so he probably woke me up a few times. Yeah, I do remember being woken up. OK, again a logical explanation!

8. Implantation bleeding

Err. I think I saw something on the TP. Quickly realize only 6DPO, no possible way it could be implantation anything. Oh yeah! I also went to my primary care and had a pap. And those always cause something. Another logical explanation.

7. Nausea or vomiting

Started to feel nauseous on the car ride home. It could have been the chocolate and apple combination for a mid-day snack. What do you think?

6. Increased sensitivity to odors

An odor woke me up last night that totally caused immediate revulsion. It could be that the allergy meds are working and I just smelled a skunk. After all the reason for the change of allergy meds was the fact I haven’t been able to breathe thru my nose for several months.

5. Abdominal bloating

Always feel bloated after ovulation and before period.

4. Frequent urination

I drink about 96 oz. of water a day, of course I use the bathroom frequently!

3. A missed period

Yeah, not yet. And even if it was late, it wouldn’t necessarily mean anything.

2. Your basal body temperature stays high

I don’t temp. So who knows? But, I awoke last night because I was TOO HOT!

1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test

Why is it that I shouldn’t do this until about DPO 20 and everyone else can do it earlier? Well, I guess I could do it earlier, but B*bycenter only tells you to do it when you are supposedly having your period or a few days later. Just a question. Because I think it is a really mean that my 2ww is closer to a 3ww.

Ultimately after reading this article. I was on that ledge. You know the one, the one you find yourself on when you are really filled with hope. You know that you will either fly or fall off the ledge.

Luckily, I think that my snarky thoughts won out in the end, well with the help of a friend also talking me down. And I’d like to remain here. No more ledge please.

Platitudes

(Please note that I know this will sound harsh, and I apologize. Because I know they are being said with only kindness, and there is a point to this entry. It won’t be what you think either.)

I hate them. Infertility makes many people feel a loss and they revert to them. You know the ones:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It takes time.
3. It’ll happen, if it is meant to be.
4. You are doing everything you can do, now you need to be patient.

They all construe the truth.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Shit happens which in my book equals to life happens. So, please excuse me, but I really don’t think God has total control over anything that happens here on Earth. And he gave up control sometime around Noah’s Ark.

Genesis 8: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

(I do believe in miracles, intercession, etc. but those are different.)

Ironically, I realized today, that I am the QUEEN of the platitude.

A little background is needed. My last job before my current position dealt with a type of law that affected a person very personally. The stress in these government applications was enormous considering it effected their livelihood, their families livelihoods, and their futures. I’m not exaggerating. Because of 911 etc., these applications became even more arduous and time consuming. Some applications took 2 to 3 years to be decided upon and most of these people were trapped in what ifs.

Similar life altering stress to what we experience during infertility, such as: loss of control, only being partially active, and life altering. Yes, these people understood many of the feelings I’ve had in the last few years. And I like to think, I was always kind to them. Tried to be sympathetic of their situation, after all I am first generation, what they were going thru wasn’t out of the realm of my world.

But, I would give them platitudes all of the time. And all of the ones listed above, I said to one or more people. CRAP, could it be bad karma? What comes around, goes around? I could be in serious trouble. Oh boy!

Sisterhood

Mel at SQ and SJ directed my attention to Seed Disperal Mechanisms. In it the author talks about wanting a sister in the trenches. I went right over to read the entry, and started to reply and realized I had so much to say, so I came here instead.

Infertility is lonely. It is for me. And I know a load of people who have gone thru one type of treatment or another. But, I know of five people who have gone thru clomid, IVF, IUIs, GIFT, etc. When I say "thru it" I mean they have either succeeded in having a child or they have gone off the road and decided to live child free.

Some of these people, I am close to and they have gotten me thru some dark times. But, they are all done with it. They are no longer living the every day effects of infertility. Most remember the up and downs, they remember the desperation and yearning for that recluse child and sometimes they experience those feelings again. However, for the most part they aren't going thru it right now.

Then I have an aquintance (a potential sister in the trenches) who is infertile, but doesn't recognize it. M is a intelligent woman, but she denies that she is infertile. Why do I believe she is? She has had four miscarriages in two years. The last three miscarriages were all late term (four, four, and five months). She knows there is a problem and has gone thru testing. Despite it all she doesn't consider herself infertile.

How do I know? Well, a few months ago her sister-in-law was having a baby shower. And I was invited since I am also an acquintance of hers as well. M's number was the RSVP. At this time, I had just started to blog and read blogs. At the time, Mel wrote about a blood disorder that I thought might be useful for M to read up on. I told her about it and she flat out refused to read it. I thought, OK maybe blogs aren't her thing. She was in a particular chatty mood and we started to talk. We talked about how badly we wanted a child, and how much it sucked, etc. What testing we were doing. But, when I said "It really sucks to be infertile." She said, "It must."
I didn't push the topic. How could she not consider herself infertile?

Before this conversation, I thought that we could be sisters in the trenches. She and I are both going thru infertility. But, she nixed that idea, because she didn't consider herself infertile. She could get pregnant. She didn't have infertility. (It still shocks me.) As I sit here, I wonder if it was denial or fearing the stigma of the title. It was the way she said it. Yeah, it really sucks to have your problem. She didn't want it. Heck, I don't want it. But sweetie, you have it. (If only my outside voice would speak up sometimes.)

And how sad that her denial is causing her to be alone. She has no one to comisserate with. But, shutting out the idea of reading blogs, she isolates herself even more.

My real life friends are great. They are kind, compassionate, concerned, and there for me.

But, the boards (talking to you Vent girls) and blogs; well, they have made me feel less alone. And for that I will be forever grateful to you all. Because knowing that I'm not alone, well it has helped. Because the cyber world has introduced me to my sisters/brothers in the trenches and it has made it easier. So, thank you.

The F*CK with you button.

In my early twenties, I started to imagine God sitting on a couch with a clicker. The opposite wall covered with television sets which he was able to change to any channel (representing our lives). He would tune in to specific people's lives when he wanted drama, comedy, etc.

I imagine him looking into my life and thinking there isn't enough FILL IN THE BLANK (w/ drama, comedy, etc.) here. Lets kick it up a notch by hitting the f*ck with you button. It always spices things up.

The longer I am dealing with infertility, the more I think he likes to hit that button. After all, it definitely leaves room for drama, tragedy, comedy, etc.

Really, I do think that God is loving and wants only the best for us. Like a good parent. Often he is just much a spectator as we are, and there to help us thru difficult situations.

But, I sometimes, I can't help but feel he is a little sadistic. Afterall, we humans are supposedly created in his likeness. And there are many people who are sadistic.

Something else to ponder.

Esperanza – Espoir – Hoffnung – Speranza – Esperança – Надежда - 希望

Hope.

All of those words mean Hope in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese.

That word again. For me, it has so many connotations of good things, as well as, bad. Today, for me, it means something in the middle.

A few years back, I had worked with a man from the Dominican Republic. At the time, whenever I wore anything green, he would say “Esperenza, you remind me of Esperenza.” I asked him why once. And he told me his mother always told him that Green was the color of hope. It is the color of so many things in nature when they are beginning. Hope is life.

Well, in the last few months, I have had an inclination of buying material items in green (a sweater, two pairs of shoes, a purse, a lunch bag, etc.). And I wonder if it is because I am in a hopeful stage.

I wonder if it is indicative of me being hopeful.

There she is again. Please play nice. Thank you for the LH surge and please let the ovulation be patient considering T is out of town until tomorrow. Again, play nice.

No worries, cautious optimism is firmly in place, at least for this cycle, considering us conceiving "au natural" has to be less than 6% (since that is what our chances were with Clomid and sex).

With that said, it is nice to be able to play for free. A chance.

Cautious Optimism - Part 2

Yes, I still am thinking about it, I actually never stopped. After thinking about it, I don’t like what I figured out. How I hate saying this, I think T is right. Err….it makes cautious optimism so much more difficult! (As if life with infertility isn’t difficult enough!)

Did I tell you that I have formed another ending for our baby quest, if we never get the baby? We will do three medicated (Clomid) IUIs and G-IFT. Then, if we are unsuccessful, well that is why I’m here muddling thru cautious optimism.

To sum it up, T’s definition means that I need to be OK with any results. That leaves us with a few options of possible outcomes: 1. We get lucky and pregnant with a baby that sticks around and is in our arms in nine ½ months; 2. We don’t get lucky and proceed to adoption; 3. We don’t get lucky and proceed to a child free existence. (Yes, I do know that there are so many other options in between. But, I don’t want to hurt my brain any more. It hurts as is.)

The problem is that I am perfectly content with options one and two. Both options get us to my desired end result of being a parent and having a beautiful little one of our own. Yes, with adoption, I still mourn a little. It is sad to consider I’ll never get to see T’s deep blue eyes or dimples on our child or recognize a missed loved one. But, I think I would be really good with a child to love.

The option I have an issue with is the third, living child free. It has its perks. No responsibility except to each other. Always being able to live in the moment and only for ourselves. Taking vacations to wherever and whenever we want. To be a family as a couple. After all we still are a family.

But, will we miss not being parents? To share our love with someone else. Someone to know us and be able to carry us on, after we go, a legacy. Never said that I wasn’t selfish in this baby quest. And I think that this dilemma may all change if and when my sister has a child. Since he/she will be someone to carry our story after we are gone. And if I logically think about it, we do have children in our lives that we love very much.

I think about it all. And this is a part that I think about very much.

What happens when we are older and there is no one to care that we exist or existed? After all, when push comes to shove, family is always there. Even if you don’t like them. With the logical fact, that I will outlive T, a future alone is a little scary too. No one to share memories of his/her Dad.

I’m focusing on all of this because I know that T hasn’t thought it thru.

And, in my craziness I need to think of all the options before he has decided, to prepare myself. To be OK with whatever he comes up with. And this is the part that scares me that I won’t be OK with an end result that he wants and vice versa. It leaves me in terror thinking about it. He always says, whatever (procedure) you want. But, he is hesitant about adoption. And I understand that, he needs his time to process. After all only a few months ago, he had to process us needing ART to conceive. We had to go thru all of the failed medicated and sex cycles for him to come to that conclusion. So, it is safe to say he will come to my conclusion in the end. But who knows?

Ultimately, he is my family. And no matter how much I want a baby, he is better than a maybe baby. So, I need to have my allegiance to the one I know will be around and that is my T.

Wow, I think I just reached cautious optimism. Well, at least for this exact moment in a logical thought process. My T is a constant and maybe baby is a variable so that equals a Dianne who is going to stick by her guy. So in the end, I’m OK with option number 3 too.

It doesn’t mean that I cannot mourn our wanted child. Despite however much I think I’m OK with it, it still makes me sad. And I have a feeling that will be the case for some time. As I realized in the counselors chair a few weeks ago, I have at least another 15 years of my friends and family telling me their having a child. Therefore, I need to get over it. I need to get OK with it on an emotional level. But, that will have to be another day and she has promised to get me to that point.

Also, I logically am reminded that I have no idea how this story ends, I’m just trying to anticipate it. So much for living in the moment, something else to work on.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was a kid, I used to say lawyer. But within the first two years in the legal field, I found that it wasn't like Matloc.k and I decided that it really wasn't what I wanted.

So the answer changed to, I want to be a mom.

It was a surprise to me as much as everyone else. Since I always thought of being a mom as being a side job. (My mom worked when I was a kid, she still does.) It probably had to do with life circumstances, well at least a little bit. When I realized that law school wasn't in the cards, I also met my husband. And the maternal instinct kicked in to high gear. So, for the last seven years, I have wanted to be a Mom, still do.

And I pursued another position within the legal field that would allow me to be a mom. I like my current job, but since I graduated in 1998 and survived several mergers and acquisitions, I know that it probably isn't permanent.

Since, I have been contemplating cautious optimism, I figured out that my husband's theory is right. In order to practice cautious optimism, you have to be OK with any of the results. (More on that later in another post.)

So, that has left me with all of the options that may happen. And one of them is living childfree.

(Adoption is also an option, but for me to play the game correctly, I need to think of all the options because who knows if T would want to adopt? His brain doesn't work like mine. He has no need or want to think of scenarios before he has to.)

To analyze whether or not I would be OK with it. As my brain works, I've come to the conclusion that if I become OK with it, I need to come up with a new "What I want to be when I grow up?"

Since I was thinking that Mother.hood would be my full time career. I want a career that could take its place. Yes, I know that is a tall order. But, my plan B dream should have just as much meaning, enjoyment, satisfaction, no?

And I have no idea. (Wow, good thing I have a real life friend who is a career counselor. I may need to have her test me if I need to get off this quest for baby road.)

Funny, it doesn't really scare me that I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel young. And with so many options that I'm overwhelmed by them all. Something to think about besides infertility. I kind of like it.

Relaxation

We’ve all heard it. “Just Relax.” Most of the time, those words can bring me to a screaming banshee state. However, with my new year’s resolution of finding peace, I’ve been forced to face relaxation which seems to go hand and hand. (Also, it does seem beneficial to do everything possible to increase our chances, and sometime the mass public is right.)

As I’ve grown to know myself, I know that relaxation does not come naturally. I must work on it!

Amazingly, after several months of doing something about it, I’m actually starting to feel relaxed! Imagine that me, a high strung person, can really relax. So much so that I can feel myself calming and being more in the present instead of waiting for what is next. You may be asking how?

Well it started with the therapist. I only go once a month now. As she put it, “Nothing is wrong with you. It is unfortunate that just because you can’t have a baby “naturally” you are forced to explain your want for a child. When, if you could just get pregnant like the majority of people by getting drunk, they would be asking why not? No wonder you need to get some things off your chest.” Now, those are words of a wise woman.

It was reinforced with the relaxation technique she taught me in November. It is a combination of imagery, concentration of breathing, and flexing-release movements. (She also suggested Self-Nurture by Ali Domar; the only reason that I know it is a combination of anything.) Originally directed to do it twice a day, I’ve only been able to do it once a day. The hope is to trigger a Pavlove’s Dog response. Think relaxation and be relaxed. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Lastly, I’ve thrown yoga into the mix. I love it. Could it be the early stages of an infatuation, but it could also be the long everlasting for real kind of love. It puts me in a “zen” place. As an added bonus it helps with my back pain!

So, it may not be how most people do it, but it works for me. Here is hoping it helps with the other thing too. Fingers crossed.

Reminders

In the last few weeks, my Mom has been talking about my cousin B. As many of you know, he passed away in September, at twenty-one, from a massive brain aneurysm caused by several brain tumors. As expected, the family is healing and at the same time missing him terribly.

His sister is pregnant with a boy due in June. If you are like me, well you have quickly made the calculations and S got pregnant two weeks (Ironically around the night of their Mom’s 50th birthday party, the last time I saw him.) before B died. Since S suffered a miscarriage earlier last year and she is feeling the loss of her brother strongly; she feels that her brother had to die so that her child could exist.

Now, I don’t personally see it this way. Along with so many other reasons, I believe that children are born so that we remember our loved ones.

When I was a child, my Grandmother used to say, “You are just like my mother-in-law. How I miss her.” But then she would tell me how I was like her, how I reminded her of her in so many good ways. With others, I remind them of themselves or a beloved deceased cousin.

B always reminded me of our Grandfather. Even though he is with us, he lives far away and if I am lucky I get to see him once in two years. B’s hands and personality were just like my Grandfather. They both are so quiet, always intently listening and then when you least expect it they would say the funniest thing! How I miss them both.

As a result, I am so excited for S’s baby. I can’t wait to see who he is like. Because I am not presumptuous to think that he will be like B. But, there are so many that I would love to be reminded of; to see and recognize them in this little one will be a gift.

And I am sad that we may never have that our selves. Part of the reason, I want a biological child is that I would love to see our loved ones in our child; T’s Dad, my Grandparents, B, etc. Sigh.

Nota Bene - A Reminder

During my next two week wait, I will refer to this entry and remind myself that everything I am feeling is not indicative of pregnancy, instead it is my "normal" menstrual cycle.

1. Breast changes approximately 7 days before.
2. Cramps approximately 5 days before.
3. Food cravings approximately 2 days before. (Usually for Italian food and chocolate.)
4. Spotting approximately 1 day before.
5. LP is approximately 16 to 20 days long.
6. The cats always like me and prefer to lay on my stomach.
7. Sense of smell is enhanced about 4 days before.
8. Clomid makes me nauseous from ovulation to menses.

Hopefully, this will help in keeping my neurotic thoughts to a minimum. Well, a girl can try.

"Always Change"

A few years ago, our priest, Father M preached about Change. His sermon was directed at a bunch of graduating teens. He talked about how most people write, "Never Change" or "Don't Change" in year books. And how that he wanted them/us to change because it meant growth, basically people need to change, and that it is always good. As in most cases, when I left Father M's masses, I felt enlightened. He spoke the truth, to grow you have to change.

This memory has been playing in my head, with the realization that I have changed yet again. I am not the same person as I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, many of my basic qualities are still there, but my view of the world and how I respond to it has ABSOLUTELY changed.

When did it change? When it became clear that I was truly infertile. I don't know if it happened after the HSG, or the first, second, third, fourth round of Clomid failing, our two year anniversary; but it happened sometime during all of those roller coasters. It happened when I had to explain the various procedures or when I had to tell my T that we HAD to have sex NOW! It changed when I started to defend and justify my want to be a mother. It happened.

And it has changed me and my relationships in so many ways.

I've learned to defend myself. Before infertility, I had known that there were times when I should have stood up for myself. But more often than not, I let go of it to preserve the relationship. I took crap from so many people, because I my extreme loyalty. I no longer have that same threshold. And as a result, I tell people now when they have hit the mark of too much crap. Some people, I think, respect it. Others have not liked it. My loyalty is still there, but now I include loyalty to myself.

Pregnancy is no longer an easy thing. Whenever someone tells me they are pregnant, I pray for them. Truly pray. Because I have lost my naivety about pregnancy. It is no longer something that is easy or taken for granted. It is a gift and privilege to have a healthy pregnancy and child. It is not a guarantee.

Now, I am more critical of people with children. I get angry when people treat there children with anything but respect. Believe me, I don't believe this means you shouldn't scold your child, or teach them boundaries. But, I get upset when people don't want to spend time with their kids, or act like they are a burden. If your kid wants to spend time with you by sitting on your lap or having you read to them, take it!

A harmless comment no longer exists. I take things to heart. I no longer can sit back and let people make what they believe a harmless comment from my mother to a stranger. Now, I feel a need to say something. Before, I wouldn't have bothered and made an excuse for them. Now, I don't have the patience. I also try not to make the harmless comment, and when I fail, I apologize.

It has changed my relationships with my husband, family and friends. Some have been strengthened by this change. The conversations are deeper and so are the understanding. Many times I know that they are at a loss, but every effort is truly appreciated. And even though I valued them so before, my admiration and endearment have grown.

My changes have increased my love for my T and I feel his love for me. I have learned more about him during this change than any other time. Like how when I cry, he hates it. Can't stand it. He would rather avoid all topics that potentially upset me than talk about them. He only has a need to talk about a scenario when he absolutely has too. And that ultimately, he only wants to make me happy. How he truly loves me, because he doesn't blame me for our childlessness or when I am in an irrational, emotional phase because of Clomid. How he has changed his point of view on children, to protect his own heart as much as me.

My baby sister is now my protector. When my mother went on a most hurtful tirade, it was my baby sister who called her to make her apologize to me. In the most empathetic act, she has made a contingence plan with her fiancé if they too are inflicted with infertility.

Friends have truly listened and been there for me.

I've also gotten to know some amazing people because of this change.

So for all the bad things infertility has brought, it has brought me good things as well. It has brought change. And change is ALWAYS good because you can't grow without it. At this exact moment, because I know I will curse it sooner than later, I am grateful for my infertility.

How do you like it?

Ok, I have just signed up to the "New" B.logger. And so far, I kind of like it. I can actually comment on your blogs, which I haven't been able to do for months, but believe me I have been reading! I can customize my blog, which my limited knowledge of H.T.M.L. always prevented me from doing before. So, far so good. How do you like it?

Also, please do read the "Cautious Optimism" post below. I really am curious to find out what you believe the term means and how (you do or would) practice. Thanks!

Cautious Optimism

As I continue my preparation for our next step in infertility treatments. I am trying to arm myself.

The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)

But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”

Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.

So, I asked people in my reality:

T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”

Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.

A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”

He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.

My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.

It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?

Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.

What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?

Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.

I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.

What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?

****

How will I remember 2006?

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

Thank you to all who stayed awhile, I'll never be the same.

****

Welcome 2007!

A clean slate. More this year than any other, I feel like this year holds opportunity, a chance, for good things to happen. All the bad is being wiped away with the end of 2006, and only the positive will be left behind.

Why? I don't really know. I'm just in a good place. Feeling more at peace with life and myself. There really isn't any reason for this feeling. It actually may be fleeting. But for now, I feel good! So good, that I may actually keep to the original plan of starting up treatments in late February.

Wow.

****

Resolution:

To find peace. (So far so good.)