The Flip Side

Thank you for your comments on that last post. And for the huge insight. I hadn't completely realized that I was grieving in those moments. I know, duh? I never said I was the brightest bulb in the pack.

I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.

Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.

On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.

But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.

For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.

I kind of like:

the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.

In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.

Like:

be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.

All of those things, well, they make me happy.

Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.

Moments

A few moments to myself...and a thought that won't leave me, hoping I can remove it by placing it here.

For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.

But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...

Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.

Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.

Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.

Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.

I'm Elmo. (Something fun and cute while I am away at work.)

My friend Joei sent me this cute email. And I thought you would all like to play.

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the post before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts..)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you
definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on.


'A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words'

CRAZY BUSY!

I am so sorry for abandoning you all. I haven't had any time to read or write. And I had such great posts brewing about my trip to the nursing home, my various thoughts on my blog, etc.

But, instead what you have been getting is snow (at least up here in New England) because life here has been nuts! Working 12 hour days and weekends. I've been issued the loaner laptop indefinitely. I am hoping that it will all end soon, but with that I am fearful of what will becoming. A topic I'd love to talk about, but can't.

Work has gotten in the way of all my New Year's resolutions - especially going to the gym and starting the new business! But today, cross your fingers, I may actually be able to go to the gym. For some reason I have a lot of anxiety that could be let go of on a treadmill!

Oh some good news (before I get back to work) I got the results for my eyes. (I did make it to the eye doctor.) The left 20:15, and my right 20:20 with the potential to get better since it is still healing! So, my eyes are better than I ever expected. Very thrilled with it all.

Wishing you well, and hoping to have some time soon to catch up with you all.

Resolutions

At the start of every year, I look at myself and try to figure out how to be/do better.

Last year was the year I was attempting to do everything I could to have a baby. And looking at myself I realized I desperately needed to learn how to relax.

So, I started going to a therapist and yoga. The therapist helped by giving me a place to vent. But once we stopped with treatments, well there wasn't much for me to say. Thru out our sessions I repeated "I just want to be OK, if the answer is no." Well, the answer was no, I haven't crumbled, so I guess I'm OK. As a result I stopped going. Not a reflection on her. But I needed to move on. Since our only conversation was on treatments and my feelings on those treatments. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Yoga on the other hand was a resolution that I intend to stick to. Out of 52 weeks, I only missed 8. Not bad when you consider I missed classes mostly for being ill. Heck, I even went to classes on my vacation. It is something that completely relaxes me. The breathing calms me so, I have done breathing exercises at the RE, in the car, before I go to bed, basically anytime my brain is going a hundred miles a minute or I am EXTREMELY stressed. It has become a way of life. As an added benefit, I've also strengthened my back and suffer from less back pain.

As a result, I now know that resolutions are not for not. Sometimes, they actually can be a huge benefit. As a result, I'm making a few more for 2008 and I thought I would share them with you:

1. Starting the Calligraphy business.
I've already come up with a name, looked into websites, priced out business cards, and thought of an icon. Also, I've found some classes to brush up as well as increase my talents.
2. Gym.
In hopes of loosing some weight and regaining my bikini body. Hahaha. I've never had one in my opinion, but looking back I know that I did have one. Isn't it funny how prospective changes? So the goal remains the same as late last year, to loose about 10 to 15 pounds. Thanks to the holidays, I've gained back every last bit that I lost. Oh well.
3. Reintroducing the Z@ne diet.
See above for reasoning.
4. Organizing our finances and start to seriously replenish our savings!
Need I say more, after last year - our finances are in serious need of help! But luckily it can be corrected.

Ultimately 2008 is looking like a very busy year! It is also the first year in four that a baby is not a goal or part of any reason to do the above. Amazing what refocusing can do.