How my mind works.

I spent the morning thinking and worrying about taxes. T and I go tonight to get them done and I can’t help but feel that we will get screwed again. Last year felt like a big waste of money. And I have the receipts to prove it.

When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.

Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.

The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.

And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.

But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.

The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.

Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.

Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.

I wonder?

If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?

I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.

My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.

How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.

Easter 2008

Last year in anticipation of Easter I wrote this post.

It is funny what a difference a year makes. Last year, I was anxiety ridden over an invite to a friends’ home because I didn’t know how to answer the questions. This year, I could careless if they ask the question. Now, I have such a different knee jerk reaction. I will gladly answer it – truthfully.

“Oh we tried for years. We tried medications and procedures. No, we haven’t tried IVF. Mostly because I was not emotionally ready to go thru that procedure. We’ve decided to take a year off. We are trying out “living childfree.” And right now it seems to fit nicely. We will see how it goes.”

And if they have more questions, I have answers now.

Maybe my new found confidence has come from two separate incidents. Let me tell you about them.

Scene: New Year’s Eve. We were at T’s best friend’s home that he shares with his wife (my friend K) and four children. Another couple was there with their youngest. The conversation went like this:

Woman: How long have you two been married?
Me: Five years.
Woman: Do you have children? (Accompanied with look of judgment.)
Me: We tried for about three years.
T: Now, we are trying to see how life would be without kids.
Woman: Oh. (Look of horror.)
Me: (Serves you right.)

Scene: T’s Grandmother’s deathbed. T’s cousin (a new father to a 10 month old boy) came to pay his respects and begins to boast about his son. He turns to T and asks so when will you two try?

T: We did, for a long time.
C: Oh, how long?
Aunt: Did you try IVF?
Me: Three years. We did everything but. It is the next step procedurally.
T: We are taking the year off. And we will figure out what we want to do then. IVF, adopt or live without children.
Aunt: But you never know, you’re young.
Me: We have less than 0.02% chance conceiving naturally.
Aunt: Oh. (Looking at me with horror.)

I guess, I am at the point where I almost want people to ask the question. So that I can be honest, and make them feel as uncomfortable as they make me feel. This isn’t the nice side of Dianne. Oh well!

On that note, enjoy your Easter Holiday. And may it be full with love, blessings, and holiness.

Update

Erin asked for me to share. The truth is I don’t feel like I have much to share, and at the same time so much.

It is really my mind set that is changing. During TTC, EVERY decision was preempted with the question “What if I’m pregnant?”

As a result, we never would have booked a trip 10 months and a year away. I would of considered it a gamble. We actually passed on a trip to Italy, offered to us the first month we were trying and I still regret not going. It has been 31/2 years, and I still have that regret.

So since this is the year is turning into the year of refocusing, I thought I’d give some updates on my new year’s resolutions too:

1. The Business. The name, policies, and the logistics are complete. Currently, I am completing my samples. And it is taking me a while longer than I expected, because I am a bit of a perfectionist.
2. Gym: I’ve failed miserably. Between crazy work hours and being sick for most of the month of February – I haven’t made it as much as I wanted to. But, hoping that I will be able to really get into this soon.
3. Zone Diet: I have started to reintroduce it, but I have nothing to show for it. I think this is because I need to really get to the gym!
4. Finances. We’ve refinanced and consolidated. Made arrangements for better savings. It is coming together.

And for a little bit more random, I have an update on my Acne post. Well, the product I started back in November was OK, but it left me with some acne. It obviously wasn’t the perfect solution.

Ellen, about a month back ago did a meme that boasted about Pr*activ. I had always shied away because I have dry skin. But, then I started hearing an add for their Green Tea Moisturizer, so I thought what do I have to loose?

I have been using the stuff for about a week today, and all of the acne I had is vanishing, as well as, my blackheads. I wish that I had done a before shot, because it is really amazing.

Ultimately, things are going well :).

My Selfish Phase

When we first started to conceive, my first impulse was to talk to my friend S. She and her husband were married a few months before T and I. I tried to convince her that it may be time for her and B, to start trying.* See, I didn’t want to go down the road of parenthood alone. S turned to me and said, “I’m still in my selfish phase.”

To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.

I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.

Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”

During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.

This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.

That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.

I think I am entering my selfish phase.

But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.

*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.

Spring is in the air.

First thank you for your condolences. Nan, was a wonderful person and she will be missed very much. She is also the first person that I thought looked BEAUTIFUL at her wake. And knowing her, she would of loved that!

For the last few days, it has been super sunny here. Still cold, but sunny. And I am most definitely getting Spring fever. T goes away to Argentina soon, and I am devising a plan in how to clean the apartment from top to bottom while he is away. I am getting giddy at the thought of it! (I know I am a very sick woman.)

Also exciting, we have two vacations booked! One in December to Aruba with T's family. And the other next Spring to Jamaica. There may be a third to Las Vegas in September as well. My fingers are crossed that work will be slow enough for me to take time off. Oh I can't wait!

There is more going on, and I will post a meaningful post soon. It seems that my brain has started to turn off infertility, and turn on good things (for the most part). And I kind of like it that way.