to see a few friends! And I'm very excited.
Things I realized today:
1. My 2 year blog anniversary is June 13th; and
2. This is my 296 post!
So, planning a post for June 13th that will cellebrate my 2 years and commerate my 300th post. Excited? Do you feel the anticipation?
Also, don't get worried if you see some changes on the blog. I finally created a feed - much easier to read. So, I'm doing a little editing.
Lastly, please don't click for AMS's new "best day ever"!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A NEW DAY - PLEASE CLICK MAY 29, 2008!!!
I'm reposting this request. Tomorrow is the day to make a new day for AMS. This is a such a small thing, but it will make a huge difference. Please click. Thank you!
A New Day from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
A New Day from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Election
This article could have been written about myself and my beloved. Although, we have been married/together long enough that we acknowledge the fact that we cancel eachother out.
But, after the 2004 election, I was in a state of morning until the inauguration. T still talks about with a snicker. Err....Republicans!
The roles have reversed - since T isn't a 100% proud of what his candidate has done in the last eight years.
'I Don't Know Who I'm Married To'
Political differences shake bipartisan relationships
By Jeremy Egner
Lindsay Wright had been married to her husband, Brian, for only a few months last fall when she realized their relationship wasn't as harmonious as she had thought.
In fact, she recalled recently, things were cruising along nicely until a casual kitchen-table revelation rocked the Wrights' newlywed bliss.
"It was like an explosion went off within our house," says Lindsay, a Phoenix attorney.
What triggered the flare-up and the two days of bickering that followed? Some financial blunder? An admission of infidelity?
Actually, it was an online candidate quiz.
Brian, it seems, wasn't as conservative as Lindsay, a longtime registered Republican, had believed. He expressed sentiments while they were dating that led Lindsay to think they saw eye to eye politically, she says. But as Brian answered quiz questions about his political positions, Lindsay learned that they held nearly opposite views on hot-button issues such as Social Security and gun control, among others.
"Health care, oh God, that was huge," Lindsay says, audibly exasperated. "I called my friend the next day and said, 'I don't know who I'm married to.'"
Political differences don't generate as much heat as other marital friction points, such as disagreements over finances or parenting strategy, according to couples therapists and other experts.
Notable couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville, married political consultants from opposite parties, prove that bipartisan relationships can and do work. Only 15 percent of respondents to a January survey by Engage.com, an online matchmaking site, said they would not date someone simply because they belonged to a different party.
But during the election season, political differences between partners become magnified as stump rhetoric intensifies, yard signs proliferate and wall-to-wall campaign coverage consumes even the most casual political observer.
As a result, cracks can emerge in the shaky détente forged by couples who normally agree to disagree politically, say those living amid the crossfire.
"Our differences never gave me pause about our relationship," says Beth, a self- described "flaming liberal" Washington attorney who declined to give her last name because she works with government agencies. "But when he voted to re-elect George W. Bush, it set me off. I was literally angry and I yelled at him."
Had the couple lived in a so-called swing state instead of overwhelmingly Democratic D.C., "I might have divorced him at that moment," she says.
Beth, who was pregnant at the time, admitted that "hormones" might have fueled her vitriol. But her husband isn't taking any chances.
"Now he doesn't tell me who he's voting for," Beth says.
Different, not wrong
Is secrecy the key to forming a more perfect union between political opposites?
A more positive approach, say couples therapists, is for partners to learn how to disagree without making it personal.
That's easier said than done. Broad political affiliations comprise many specific and often quite personal stances on issues that affect nearly every facet of life.
Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif.-based therapist and author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," acknowledges that individuals' political beliefs about how the U.S. should care for the poor and the sick, defend its citizens and pay for its schools and roads are closely tied to how they define themselves as people. In other words, when someone says your positions on these issues are wrong, it's easy to interpret it as a personal attack and respond in kind.
"You get into a courtroom drama, trying to prove that your side is right by saying bad things about the other person's point of view," Tessina says. "The minute you get into who's right and who's wrong, you have a never-ending battle because a person is always right from his or her own perspective."
Communicating political differences
Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and therapist based in New Canaan, Conn., teaches quarrelsome couples a three-step communication process based on "hearing, validating and empathizing," she says.
The first sounds self-explanatory but instructs people to actually listen to what their partners are saying rather than simply plot their counterattacks. Validation comes when someone acknowledges that a partner or spouse is making a reasonable point, even if it's not one that he or she agrees with, Olson says.
"It's not about agreeing with a person," she says. "It's being able to see and hear another person's point of view."
Empathy, the "hardest piece," comes when a spouse summons enough compassion to understand, based on what's been said, how a partner can feel the way they do, Olson says.
Such systematic approaches don't come naturally. But once mastered, they can be applied to all sorts of conflicts, political and otherwise.
"It's not unlike learning to play golf or a sport," Olson says. "It's all about building skills."
To each his own
It doesn't help that political media coverage reinforces the "right vs. wrong" dynamic by obsessing over the horse-race aspect of elections, Tessina notes.
"They treat it like a sporting event instead of as intelligent discourse," she says. "But when you're talking with your partner, intelligent discourse is really, really important."
Since the blowup last fall, the Wrights have learned to tread more carefully around touchy issues, Lindsay says. They do agree on some controversial subjects such as abortion and gay marriage. Lindsay would register as an Independent if it still allowed her to vote in primaries, she says, and tend to discuss such topics more often than contentious ones.
Where they differ, they try to remain civil instead of "getting passionate about it," she says. As long as Brian's position seems well considered, she can respect it, she says.
Love, kids & politics
Together for nearly 25 years, Judy and Joe Musa of Middletown, N.J., have had plenty of time to practice setting partisanship aside in the name of a happy home.
Joe, a pastry chef, is a registered Republican who campaigned for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Judy, a public relations and marketing professional, is a liberal Independent, she says.
"This is the woman I love; what can I tell you?" Joe says. "We just have to go on realizing that we cancel each other out."
The current election has been somewhat calmer than past contests, Joe says, because neither partner is thrilled by the choices.
"I have issues with my guy, and she has issues with the two on her side," he says. "I'm just going to hold my nose and pull the lever."
The Musas toned down their occasionally heated political spats after they had children, Judy says. Their kids, ages 6 and 4, are too young to distinguish between political debates and actual fights, she says.
But what happens when they get a little older? Will the Musas vie to sway their kids' political affiliation?
"Actually, I like that my kids will realize that there are many points of view in America," Judy says. "Nobody's perfect, nobody's right. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinion."
"I have to say, I'm the one who writes the check out for Joe's subscription to the National Review," Judy says. "I'm open-minded enough to say, 'If you want to read that thing, go read it.'"
"What can I say?" she adds. "I'm a loving wife."
But, after the 2004 election, I was in a state of morning until the inauguration. T still talks about with a snicker. Err....Republicans!
The roles have reversed - since T isn't a 100% proud of what his candidate has done in the last eight years.
'I Don't Know Who I'm Married To'
Political differences shake bipartisan relationships
By Jeremy Egner
Lindsay Wright had been married to her husband, Brian, for only a few months last fall when she realized their relationship wasn't as harmonious as she had thought.
In fact, she recalled recently, things were cruising along nicely until a casual kitchen-table revelation rocked the Wrights' newlywed bliss.
"It was like an explosion went off within our house," says Lindsay, a Phoenix attorney.
What triggered the flare-up and the two days of bickering that followed? Some financial blunder? An admission of infidelity?
Actually, it was an online candidate quiz.
Brian, it seems, wasn't as conservative as Lindsay, a longtime registered Republican, had believed. He expressed sentiments while they were dating that led Lindsay to think they saw eye to eye politically, she says. But as Brian answered quiz questions about his political positions, Lindsay learned that they held nearly opposite views on hot-button issues such as Social Security and gun control, among others.
"Health care, oh God, that was huge," Lindsay says, audibly exasperated. "I called my friend the next day and said, 'I don't know who I'm married to.'"
Political differences don't generate as much heat as other marital friction points, such as disagreements over finances or parenting strategy, according to couples therapists and other experts.
Notable couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville, married political consultants from opposite parties, prove that bipartisan relationships can and do work. Only 15 percent of respondents to a January survey by Engage.com, an online matchmaking site, said they would not date someone simply because they belonged to a different party.
But during the election season, political differences between partners become magnified as stump rhetoric intensifies, yard signs proliferate and wall-to-wall campaign coverage consumes even the most casual political observer.
As a result, cracks can emerge in the shaky détente forged by couples who normally agree to disagree politically, say those living amid the crossfire.
"Our differences never gave me pause about our relationship," says Beth, a self- described "flaming liberal" Washington attorney who declined to give her last name because she works with government agencies. "But when he voted to re-elect George W. Bush, it set me off. I was literally angry and I yelled at him."
Had the couple lived in a so-called swing state instead of overwhelmingly Democratic D.C., "I might have divorced him at that moment," she says.
Beth, who was pregnant at the time, admitted that "hormones" might have fueled her vitriol. But her husband isn't taking any chances.
"Now he doesn't tell me who he's voting for," Beth says.
Different, not wrong
Is secrecy the key to forming a more perfect union between political opposites?
A more positive approach, say couples therapists, is for partners to learn how to disagree without making it personal.
That's easier said than done. Broad political affiliations comprise many specific and often quite personal stances on issues that affect nearly every facet of life.
Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif.-based therapist and author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," acknowledges that individuals' political beliefs about how the U.S. should care for the poor and the sick, defend its citizens and pay for its schools and roads are closely tied to how they define themselves as people. In other words, when someone says your positions on these issues are wrong, it's easy to interpret it as a personal attack and respond in kind.
"You get into a courtroom drama, trying to prove that your side is right by saying bad things about the other person's point of view," Tessina says. "The minute you get into who's right and who's wrong, you have a never-ending battle because a person is always right from his or her own perspective."
Communicating political differences
Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and therapist based in New Canaan, Conn., teaches quarrelsome couples a three-step communication process based on "hearing, validating and empathizing," she says.
The first sounds self-explanatory but instructs people to actually listen to what their partners are saying rather than simply plot their counterattacks. Validation comes when someone acknowledges that a partner or spouse is making a reasonable point, even if it's not one that he or she agrees with, Olson says.
"It's not about agreeing with a person," she says. "It's being able to see and hear another person's point of view."
Empathy, the "hardest piece," comes when a spouse summons enough compassion to understand, based on what's been said, how a partner can feel the way they do, Olson says.
Such systematic approaches don't come naturally. But once mastered, they can be applied to all sorts of conflicts, political and otherwise.
"It's not unlike learning to play golf or a sport," Olson says. "It's all about building skills."
To each his own
It doesn't help that political media coverage reinforces the "right vs. wrong" dynamic by obsessing over the horse-race aspect of elections, Tessina notes.
"They treat it like a sporting event instead of as intelligent discourse," she says. "But when you're talking with your partner, intelligent discourse is really, really important."
Since the blowup last fall, the Wrights have learned to tread more carefully around touchy issues, Lindsay says. They do agree on some controversial subjects such as abortion and gay marriage. Lindsay would register as an Independent if it still allowed her to vote in primaries, she says, and tend to discuss such topics more often than contentious ones.
Where they differ, they try to remain civil instead of "getting passionate about it," she says. As long as Brian's position seems well considered, she can respect it, she says.
Love, kids & politics
Together for nearly 25 years, Judy and Joe Musa of Middletown, N.J., have had plenty of time to practice setting partisanship aside in the name of a happy home.
Joe, a pastry chef, is a registered Republican who campaigned for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Judy, a public relations and marketing professional, is a liberal Independent, she says.
"This is the woman I love; what can I tell you?" Joe says. "We just have to go on realizing that we cancel each other out."
The current election has been somewhat calmer than past contests, Joe says, because neither partner is thrilled by the choices.
"I have issues with my guy, and she has issues with the two on her side," he says. "I'm just going to hold my nose and pull the lever."
The Musas toned down their occasionally heated political spats after they had children, Judy says. Their kids, ages 6 and 4, are too young to distinguish between political debates and actual fights, she says.
But what happens when they get a little older? Will the Musas vie to sway their kids' political affiliation?
"Actually, I like that my kids will realize that there are many points of view in America," Judy says. "Nobody's perfect, nobody's right. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinion."
"I have to say, I'm the one who writes the check out for Joe's subscription to the National Review," Judy says. "I'm open-minded enough to say, 'If you want to read that thing, go read it.'"
"What can I say?" she adds. "I'm a loving wife."
Please help.
A New Dayfrom Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
My first experience with Pilates....
On Monday, I ventured to the gym for my first Pilates class.
I felt accomplished before the teacher started - I introduced myself to three women! Then we started to perform pilates. My stomach muscles were the first to quiver. I thought to myself, oh boy.
About twenty minutes into the class, I realized I was in a bit of trouble.
And by the end, I knew I was in trouble and pain.
It only continued into Tuesday, that night, T openly laughed at me. You know it is bad, when I was grunting in my sleep trying to find a comfortable spot.
By Wednesday, I was still sore, but thought that movement might help. So I went back to the gym. This time I avoided the pilates class and used the bike.
Once I got home I did some yoga stretches specifically for the hips. And today I feel better.
I know why people do pilates, you most definitely will get into shape - if you do it consistently. But, is there a way to do it without the pain?
I guess that is where "no pain, no gain" comes from.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My former boss...
I worked for him as an intern and as staff member. In that year, I met him only three times and he would never be able to pick me out of a line up. But, the news regarding his health issues, saddens me.
Ironically, his tumor (at this preliminary stage of information) is identical to my cousin Bobby's tumor.
I feel guilty, and my thoughts and prayers are with him, but, at least, there will be a recognizable face to be associated with this terrible infliction. Awareness and hopefully promotion of organizations like the Brain Tumor Society will aid finding a cure.
I'd like to think that his death (and Bobby's) will not be in vane.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Pleasing myself.
This weekend with a minor break down/break though. I came to a few realizations with T’s help.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been sad for a few reasons:
1. My friends are few and far between.
2. I feel lost and need to find my plan B.
Most of my friends don’t live around here. I have a few acquaintances which have potential to be better friends, but I don’t always reach out. I automatically assume individuals are too busy and they may be, but who am I to say? Unless I ask, I’ll never know.
Also, I don’t network or make friends easily. I need to get out there and meet people. It is something that I’ve tried before, but admittedly with no success. I am a little shy in that respect and usually let people come to me. But, since that isn’t working, I am on a mission.
Today was a little slow at work. With some extra time and my recent realization, I found two book clubs, a few pilates and yoga classes, and a graduate program which interests me. Hopefully that will open a few doors.
I also found a graduate program that interests me, looking into the possibility of taking a class in the fall – to try it out.
Lets see what happens with plan B.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been sad for a few reasons:
1. My friends are few and far between.
2. I feel lost and need to find my plan B.
Most of my friends don’t live around here. I have a few acquaintances which have potential to be better friends, but I don’t always reach out. I automatically assume individuals are too busy and they may be, but who am I to say? Unless I ask, I’ll never know.
Also, I don’t network or make friends easily. I need to get out there and meet people. It is something that I’ve tried before, but admittedly with no success. I am a little shy in that respect and usually let people come to me. But, since that isn’t working, I am on a mission.
Today was a little slow at work. With some extra time and my recent realization, I found two book clubs, a few pilates and yoga classes, and a graduate program which interests me. Hopefully that will open a few doors.
I also found a graduate program that interests me, looking into the possibility of taking a class in the fall – to try it out.
Lets see what happens with plan B.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Conversations which continued the twist.....
I received a call from my mother. She starts off normally. "Where are you? Have you eaten? What are you making for dinner? How is T?"
The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.
She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."
I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."
She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"
I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."
I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.
She responds, "I need to go."
"O.K., bye."
*****
My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:
M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."
Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"
M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)
M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)
M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."
Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)
M's Friend: "Exactly."
M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."
Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."
*****
We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.
Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)
M: With a giggle, "I did."
Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"
M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)
Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."
M: "What?"
Mom: "I never said that?"
Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"
Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."
M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"
Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.
M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.
*****
We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.
I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."
I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.
Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.
I wished her well on my way out.
*****
On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.
They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I've refused to even vocalize it with T.
It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.
My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.
The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.
She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."
I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."
She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"
I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."
I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.
She responds, "I need to go."
"O.K., bye."
*****
My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:
M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."
Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"
M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)
M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)
M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."
Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)
M's Friend: "Exactly."
M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."
Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."
*****
We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.
Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)
M: With a giggle, "I did."
Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"
M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)
Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."
M: "What?"
Mom: "I never said that?"
Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"
Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."
M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"
Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.
M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.
*****
We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.
I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."
I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.
Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.
I wished her well on my way out.
*****
On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.
They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I've refused to even vocalize it with T.
It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.
My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Twisted
A few weeks ago, I was driving into work on a clear blue sky day. The windows were down and I thought to myself I feel good. Sun shinning brightly, a slight cool breeze, a beautiful day – how could I not?
That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”
At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.
This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.
If I had a miscarriage, I would know:
the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.
the joy of life growing inside of me.
the hope and love which that brings.
the right to grieve.
And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.
Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.
That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”
At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.
This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.
If I had a miscarriage, I would know:
the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.
the joy of life growing inside of me.
the hope and love which that brings.
the right to grieve.
And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.
Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Happy Sunday!
As I know many a woman who are care givers without being mothers - I am wishing everyone a Happy Sunday! For the Mom's, I hope it is a special day for you too!
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