Cocooned in Jealous Rage

Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.

She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.

She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.

What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.

It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.

The thought process starts:

“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.

And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”

BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?

PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.

The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.

But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.

I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!

So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.

But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.

T's B-day....so true. I had to post!

Got the idea from a fellow blogger. The Cookie Princess did the Birthday quiz for herself and her husband. This is T's answer. Too stinkin' funny! T good thing I'm head over heels with you!

Your Birthdate: December 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

My Happiness

The amazing Mel has done it again, now in a series revolving around happiness. (I tried to link her, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me!) You may be asking, “What has she done?” Well she has made me think. Truly think.

She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.

I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.

That is when it happened.

I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.

But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.

Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?

Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.

If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.

Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.

It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.

See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.

Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.

My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.

This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.

Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?

So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.

How about those apples?

I've ovulated. YUP! I've been peeing on sticks, using my handy dandy monitor, and no detection. Yet my blood test today CLEARLY shows that I ovulated.

If no AF in 14 days, I am to get a blood pregnancy test. HA! (Why did I feel like putting an asteric in the word pregnancy? Maybe because it is starting to feel like a bad word.)

Not sure why this is frustrating me, but it is. Stuck waiting, more effing waiting.

Whatever!

The Skinny

The diet is going well enough. No actual progress since my initial drop. Actually, I've gained a 1 pound back, but I'm chalking that up to the ice cream I had last night. I know myself if I don't allow for some cheat'n I will blow this diet. So we will see, I think in about a month I'll know more if this is working. The good news is that I fit into my jeans yesterday very comfortably. So that is a good sign! And I've done some physical exercise everyday except Sunday. Not bad.

IF, it is currently CD 25. Still no ovulation detected and no sign of AF. So, I broke and called the RE today. Bloodwork tomorrow and probably Friday to figure out where the hell I am with my cycle. Hoping that I get my period soon, so that we can have our last IUI in September. Yes, the money is over for the extra insurance, but that is what credit cards are for. See, not kidding slippery slope people.

Lastly, I'm back to the wedding festivities planning. I need ideas for my sister's bachelorette. Everything I've thought of is way too expensive or not exactly right. Very stressed over it and the clock is seriously TICKING!

Your Birthdate: June 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Lets hope that September is my power month. Well, if AF or ovulation ever show!

Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.

The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.

I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.

I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.

Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.

While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"

Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.

Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.

See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.

Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.

I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.

Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.

Weight

What an ugly word. No one is ever satisfied, no one is ever content. It is a constant struggle.

But oddly, it is making me feel as if I am getting a bit of control back.

So this diet, has led me to think about my weight issues.

1-19: Under weight. At one point, 5 ft 7 in I weighed 115 pounds, my then doctor accused me of being annorexic. My mother quickly said "Her, she eats more than her father."

19-25: Grew two more inches for my now height of 5 ft 9 in. And got mono. Yes that lovely ailment that literally kicked my a$$ for about six months and changed my metabolism. In six months of illness, I gained 30 pounds. It does make sense, since all I did was eat and sleep. A little studying was thrown in (my Freshmen year).

Yup, loads of fun. My mom, God love her, told me I was fat. (Thanks Mom, if you compare anyone to your nieces, they would be considered fat. Considering they are aneroxic and between 2 to 9 inches shorter than me.) After watching my food consumption, I went down to 135 for several years.

26-28: Met T. Gained 10 pounds. 145. Actually, at what 5 ft 9 in is suppose to be at.

28: I get off the pill, start this journey of trying to conceive. Gain 5 pounds. I'm up to 150.

29-30: Gain 5 pounds, I'm up to 155. Struggle to loose those five pounds every few months. Fluctuate between 150 and 155.

31: At June 1st, I weighed 150, by the end of July and two crazy cycles, I gained 7 pounds.

Yup, that is what did it. Those additional seven pounds about put me over the edge. I've been wearing the same few pants for the last several weeks. Actually, getting very sick of them.

I found that no matter how healthy I was eating, I was gaining weight. It is extremely frustrating, because the only thing I can blame it on are the medications. So out of my control. UGH. I guess this cancelling is a blessing in disguise. Because my total and absolute disgust with my body has led me to this diet.

So this diet. It is actually healthy, which I usually eat that way too. It only brings to my attention portion size. (And this is where I have found I was going terribly wrong.) It also promotes a balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It is suppose to help with hormone and insulin levels. It may become a permanent life style change. With all of that in mind, I feel like it may actually do what I need it to do.

Help me loose weight, and maintain it while I am on a crazy cycle. (Oh yeah, where is my ovulation or period. I HAVE NO IDEA. Need to call the doctor.)

In addition, I've walked Monday, Tuesday, and today. Went to yoga yesterday. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. Very excited! Now only if my stomach could shrink so that I won't be HUNGRY all of the time. :).

My Personality

New mission.

My latest thought is that I want to incur some revenge on this crappy body of mine. So I am going on a diet. I've never done this before. Yes, I've controlled my food intake before. But, I've never purchased materials on a diet, read it, planned to follow it, signed up for information and followed a "plan."

After talking to a friend, I've decided to take her lead and use "The Z*ne." It actually looks very healthy, and somewhat possible to follow. Ironically, I think I will be eating more than I do now. Just differently. So one step at a time.

In addition, to the diet, I'll be walking at lunch two to three times a week. Yoga one to two times a week. And we will see what happens from there. I'd like to start doing more, just not sure what that is at this point.

I just know myself. I've never liked exercise - except for yoga. But, I've also never felt so utterly disgusted with myself. You know there is a problem when your "fat" pants are tight.

So a new mission...maybe it will be a good way to start liking my body again. Hmmm....I'll just be happy fitting into my bridesmaid dress. October is fast approaching.

I'm fine.

Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.

First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.

I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.

***

The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."

I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!

Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.

Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.

Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.

Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.

And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.

I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.

Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.

I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.

Infertility blows.

Adeus Avo

My Grandfather passed away yesterday morning. As he said, "I'm 85 years old, I had a good life. I had four children, nine grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I've been married twice, and once to the love of my life. When my time is up, I am ready to go."

As his grandchild, I will take that to heart and remember him as a funny, loving, and caring grandfather that he was, a true blessing.

Avo, you will be very missed and please watch over us. Love you.

Cysts

So, I went in for my ultrasound this morning. First thing I saw were two dark circles on an ovary. "What is that?" I asked. Super nice technician, "Cysts."

I've been worried all day that my last IUI would be postponed. Luckily, I worried for nothing. I start the G*nalf tonight. They upped my dosage again. Oh what fun? Also, since my luteal phase was shorter by two days this cycle, I'll be on progesterone. More fun.

Wondering if my "different" symptoms were caused by the cysts.

***

On another note, I am EXHAUSTED. We partied like rockstars this weekend. And had a great time. Between travel, little sleep, and emotional exertion of this cycle - I feel like I can sleep for a few days. Hoping to play catch up this week.

One more to go.

If you haven't guessed, no golden ticket. One more try. So defeated at the moment. Will be partaking in many an alcoholic beverage. Until next week.

A Golden Ticket

Like Charlie, I am given only a few chances to find my Golden Ticket. Actually, in two years and 10 months, I have been given 24 chances. Yes, my luck is horrible compared to Charlie’s. But that is also why I am not a gambler.

So, for the last two years and 10 months, I have been searching, yearning, coveting, my golden ticket, a baby. After all the doctors pretty much told me that my problem is ovulation. And I’ve ovulated at least 13 times that I know of, therefore it is safe to assume their might be more going on. But, after two years and 10 months, I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. Enough is enough.

This cycle, I let hope in. And again she is reminding me that she is stronger and meaner than I. My hope was coxed after I exhibited “different” symptoms, well isn’t that always the way? Now, AF is knocking on my door since yesterday. Knowing too much, I know that it could be a good sign, because it started DPI 10/11 – could it be implantation bleeding? My luteal phase has never been shorter than CD 14 (I checked my records. And I've only "spotted" once before, and that well was followed by my worst period ever.). If anyone else would be presenting me with these facts, I would say don’t throw in the towel yet, not until the fat lady sings. But, I feel defeated - which leaves me to something that has been on my mind.

See this is our second to last IUI, only one more. I am sure that cycle will start in just a few days, and will end much in the same way as the previous 24 in August. After that, T and I will go into the new world of living child free. I will be back on the pill, and I will stop my prenatal. You get the point, we will be closing up shop.

And I still won’t have a Golden Ticket; nothing good to show for all of my efforts. I want to mark it. Part of me wants people to see it. To know what it means. So that I no longer have to be silent to the outside world about my infertility struggles. I want people to know that I am not selfish, that I yearned to be a mother more than I can actually say; that I have spilled and still do spill many a tear over my husband and my predicament. We were just unlucky. Him even more than I, since he married me and into this predicament.

I feel like I will need to continuously need to validate our reasoning. Because we have stopped doesn’t mean we didn’t want it bad enough, it means that we had enough. And bite my lip, instead of asking how long they would do something that they obviously were not going to be successful at. How long they would keep trying, when all they saw were negatives for 24 cycles, 7 medicated, 3 procedures – when the only thing wrong with them was “fixed.” If they would keep going on an endless rollercoaster that only made them more broken.

My secret is that I am jealous of people who have had a positive pregnancy test. Even of the ones who have lost their babies soon after. To me, they had the Golden Ticket and more validation to grieve. They are the war veterans with an outward wound. I have been grieving for something I never had. In many people’s eyes, not yours, I don’t have a right. I don’t want to have to justify being sad over this. I just need to get over it. To do just that I need to acknowledge, and grieve the situation. Mind me I know that I will have more than a scare or two, on my soul and heart.

So, do you have any ideas of how I can commemorate the last three years (I’m rounding up.)? Because August is coming. This will no longer be an infertility blog, instead it will be a woman coping getting off this rollercoaster and going into the unknown of a conciliation life. Who doesn’t want to forget where she came from, but needs to move on.

**SPOILER ALERT**

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As we all know, I love Harry P*tter. It was no different with the last and final book. This book brought tears to my eyes, and my heart to my throat.

Many times, I wanted Harry, Ron and Hermoine to hide underneath a bed with me; their mortal danger was emanating from the pages. Call me Mrs. Weasley. As it is, we lost many beloved friends: Hedwig, Mad Eye, Dobby, George, Tonks, and Lupin. They all died and my heart broke for those who remained, especially for little Teddy, Mr. & Mrs. Weasely, and most of all for Harry.

And for all the moments of terrible sadness. There were moments were my heart soared and tears were brought to my eyes for sheer happiness. When - what seemed to be the entire magical community - joined together and fought the ultimate evil. And when Kreacher stormed out of the Hogwarts kitchen. (I truly hope they don't cut this out in the movie.) My heart did summersaults.

Now for analysis of my predictions:

Some of my predictions were completely and totally wrong. (Said with a smile.) Dumbledore was definitely not from muggle lineage, nor did he have a connection in this way to Harry thru Lilly. James was not directly related to Godric Gryffindor. And Aunt Petunia did not have any magical abilities or links. (The story line of Petunia broke my heart. How she started shunning magic because she couldn’t be a part of it. In a way, I empathize and completely understand. She didn’t want to be left behind by her sister.)

However, I would give myself partial credit that Harry would win thru LOVE. He won thru chance (or acquiring the Elder wand), self sacrifice and love in my opinion. Also, I enjoyed how JKR allowed for Harry and other “good guys” to use unforgivable curses without tainting them. Giving me full credit for the theory of war being justifiable reasoning. Very glad she used the reasoning considering children of our soldiers. (And GO Mrs. Weasely when she got Bellatrix, I leaped in delight!) But, mostly, I appreciate how Harry never tainted himself with the ultimate unforgivable curse and therefore maintained the purity and innocence of his soul.

Alas, I was dead on that Dumbledore would not come back. However, for a dead character he contributed a ton to the story line. And I liked how they brought the fact that he wasn't perfect into reality, because no one is. It made me enjoy his character even more endearing. His relationship with Aberforth was so real and I truly enjoyed his character. The blue eye that brought me comfort thru it’s relation to my beloved Dumbledore.

My predictions about Harry’s relationship/ownership to a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, a flying motorbike, a two way mirror, Dobby, Rita Skeeter, and Umbridge. Personally, JKR did a great job in mentioning all of these things and beings. Can I just say, how my heart broke for Dobby. Also, how I disliked Skeeter and Umbridge just as much as the first time.

RAB or Rugulus surprised me. His protection of Kreacher gave me a tremendous amount of respect for him and his bravery for trying to stop Voldermort.

The character that I have grown to love is Snape. His beauty is that he is just like the rest of us, neither good nor bad, only human. And what a beautiful, proud, brave, strong, loving, and loyal human he was. His devotion to Lilly, well, it allows me to forgive him for his character flaws.

Despite my prediction that Wormtail would aid Harry, I never imagined that he would die in that terrible, cruel manner, so Voldermort.

The book only left me with one bit of confusion. (I am sure once I read it again, I am sure to find some other things that leave me a little baffled. Thinking too much does that to me.) I understand that Harry’s wand recognized Voldermort as being a mortal enemy/relative. But, the part that I am confused with involves the Deathly Hollows.

Now, we know that Harry inherited the invisibility cloak because it went down thru the generations. But, may I assume that the Elder’s ring was the same? Could Voldermort and Harry actually have been distant relatives? Therefore the blood bond was all ready there and it may explain the first altercation between Harry and Voldermort?

Ultimately, I know that it was very convenient how Harry feel upon the Hollows. What were the chances, that he would fight Draco and receive his wand before Harry sacrificing himself to Voldermort? But, I can’t begrudge JKR for her creative liberty, since it has always been her story. A beautiful, captivating, imaginative story which teaches so many valuable lessons about: humanity, death, equality, fairness, good vs. evil, community, and justice. To name just a few.

To me, Harry’s story will always be one of my favorites. (I actually read the Epilogue twice, because to me no one deserved a happy ending more than Harry.)
Thank you JK R*wling. Your imagination is beyond any that I have found and has brought me utter and complete joy. It helped me in ways that I cannot express, and I feel indebted to you.

So...

I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly H*llows. And I want to talk about it. But I will be patient, considering that I am sure that there are many people still reading or what not. Consider this my warning. I will post on Friday about my thoughts. It will have SPOILER ALERT as the title, a photo of fireworks, then my thoughts. Cool? Cool. Good.

Now, to the 2ww saga that is currently my life. I so just don't know. I am hopeful, but not over the top. Like I said before hope and I are definitely sipping herbal tea and enjoying our time. I will say this cycle is ODD. But, it could be just that - another odd cycle.

As my luck goes, of course, this weekend is my sister's bachelorette. It was planned by a friend of her's. And I "officially" won't know the answer to my 2ww. So, I plan on taking a HPT on Saturday morning - it will be 13 DPI. Basically if it is negative, I will take it as an OK to drink up. If it is positive, I will be ecstatic and making up excuses for not drinking. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life until we see the heart beat. Those words bring a smile to my face. How blissful?

Unlucky me, the sister-in-law from hell, is now coming to the bachelorette and she is bringing friends. To my sister's bachelorette. Yeah, WTH? Can't we just be a grown-up PLEASE!

So wish me luck...please.

Feeling very...

IMPATIENT.

I used to think I was patient. (Said with a smile.) Now, I know better. I hate to wait. As time goes by, I understand instant gratification more and more. Right now is one of those times that I DESPERATELY would appreciate instant gratification.

Funny, it isn't all in relation to my current 2ww. However, I am a little impatient about that too. But, my worse of the 2ww is ALWAYS week two, and closer to test day. At 4 DPI, I think I'm good. (Granted things are not "normal." TMI, I have been constipated (not usual), still have CM, and VERY bloated. Body is screwing around again. HMPH. At least it is what I tell myself considering it is 4DPI! Oh, and I caught myself soaking my sandwich in pickle juice. Not something I usually do, but it was VERY YUMMY.)

But, the reason I am felling impatient is because of Harry P*tter. No seriously. Yes, I know the book comes out today, etc. But, T and I have a tradition. For the last four books, he has bought them for me. And he bought my Book 7. But, the problem he is at a competition in a different state, and the book is being delivered to his work. And it will be trapped in their mail room. I will have to wait until Monday. I am so bummed.

I WANT THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION. Granted it won't be instantaneous considering I will have to read the 746 pages to know EVERYTHING. It probably is a good thing that I will have to wait considering I am rereading Book 6. And I should finish before starting 7. Since there is so much I have forgotten. BUT, I really want it NOW.

Yes, just like so many other things.

Yet again, like with so many things, it could be a good thing that I must wait. Considering I will start it during the worst part of my 2ww. It will be my ultimate distraction. So maybe, just maybe there is value in waiting. HMPH...who would of thunk it!

How truly....

PERFECT!

Err...I think you misunderstood.

The feelings about being stagnate are how I feel in general about infertility. Not about this cycle. For some reason, hope is in the house for this cycle. Not full force hope. But hope that knocked politely, I let her in, and we are settling in with a nice cup of herbal tea. Enjoying eachother's company but not madly passionately in love.

With that said, I want to document how odd this cycle has been. When I was taking my G*nalf, I couldn't eat enough. And now, a few days after my IUIs, I am still bloated and SUPER tired. A little odd, since my bloating usually goes down after ovulation and my energy levels aren't usually effected until my period. And it slightly makes me giddy. When that giddiness becomes craziness, I remember that it is just my body playing games with my head. Much too early for anything to be happening. OBVIOUSLY.

And I would like to keep my feet grounded.

It is going to be a long 13 days. (My clinic only tests 15 DPI.)

Stagnate

So, I went to my therapist a week ago. She kept on asking me "How are you?" She asked me about three times. And the first few times, I gave her my knee jerk reaction response "I'm fine." But, she wasn't happy with that response, and finally I came up with it. "I feel stagnate."

Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.

Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)

Everyone else <> gets what they want. While, I sit here twiddling my fingers waiting for life to happen. And I'm very sick of it.

As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.

And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.

Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.

At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.

IUI's Theme Song

Very apropos considering I spent most of this morning to do just that breathe :P. So, I've highlighted the stuff that is apropos, considering some of it isn't applicable, but I think you will allow me my creative liberty :).

ANNA NALI*K LYRICS

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Why not?

So, willing and ignoring myself pregnant hasn't worked. How about bribery? Here goes.

Dear eggs,

This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.

Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).

Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.

Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.

Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.

Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.

If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.

You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.

We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.

When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.

Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.

Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.

Your would be Mom

Me too.

"I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey

There you are! Hello Hope.

Got off the phone with the nurse. E2 at 247 and four follicles. Yes, you read that right, 4!

For some reason that number makes me feel like it is our best shot. Absolutely best shot.

OH BOY, this 2ww is going to be a killer!

Is this funny? **UPDATED**

Have you seen those commercials were people call in to a line, tell them a scenario, and ask "Is this funny?"

Well my friends, I am asking you.

This morning I go in for blood and ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. There are definite follies, but no idea on how many or what not. Didn't ask actually for more information because I figured the information from three days ago would be completely out of date.

But, my left side feels full. To the point that when I did a yoga move last night, ouch?

And T is working 36 hours straight starting today. He will not be near the clinic or home in the next 36 hours. He packed a bag and went to work today. I haven't been able to do the trigger shot on myself. And how is he going to drop off his deposit if the IUI is tomorrow?

So, if I have to trigger tonight. I am in deep doodoo.

To complicate matters, I am very close to the end of my medication.

So today, after my ultrasound and blood work, I asked these two questions.

1. Is it possible to extend a trigger by one day?

and

2. Should I order more G*nalf?

I did warn the nurse that they are bi-polar questions.

Is this funny? Asked with a smirk and a shake of my head.

What makes this even funnier, my E2 is at 126 and have no measurable follies (I have a bunch all under 12mm.) Why do I worry?

I LOVE POTTER!

Yes, my obsession is great with Harry. I love these books. LOVE them. As a distraction, I've been rereading books five and six in preparation for the last. So lets play....here are my predictions.


Dumbledore will not be coming back. No matter, how much I wish he would. JKR clearly stated he would not be - I went to her book reading last summer in NY. However, I am afraid that the fact he was the secret keeper for Grimauld place could be a significant problem.

Dumbledore's brother, I think will become relevant.

Harry will win in the end thru LOVE. However I am not a 100% certain how it will play out or if he will end up using an unforgivable curse. However, aren't they in war? And wouldn't it be forgivable in that context?

I think there is a very good reason that the boy wizard has made friends with a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, flying motorbike, two way mirror, Dolby, etc. I think they will all come into play somehow.

RAB, I am not sure. Did they ever find his body? I think his significance ended with the hortecreux.

Aunt Petunia will divulge her link to the magical world, but she herself is not magical. And he link may lend itself to Lilly's eyes. Which I also think have some significance, more than Harry’s are in their likeness.

Lastly, I am not sure about Snape if he is good or bad. But that is the beauty of Snape, because he is both I suspect just like the rest of us.

Umbridge and Rita Skeeter will both return.

I think that Wormtail will help Harry in some way in the end. And that Voldemort can’t kill Harry because of his blood being part of his reincarnation.

Connection to Godric Gryffindor to Godric Hollow and to one of the Potters. All of the pure blood wizards – James – are somehow related to each other.

Potter was on the Black family tree, however Dumbledore was not. Could Dumbledore be related to Lily and Petunia? We don’t know Dumbledore’s lineage, could he be born of Muggles?

As you can probably tell, I love Potter. Please, do share your predictions....but once the book received, don't spoil it for me. Personally, I will be posting about it, but giving everyone fair warning.

What next?

Wednesday morning I had a nightmare. Basically, it was about a complication which occurred from our next IUI when a new nurse punctured my uterus with the catheter for insemination. Basically the puncture causes complications, besides uncontrollable bleeding, and I lose my uterus.

In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.

I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.

So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.

So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.

I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?

See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.

But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.

Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.

Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.

Now, what cycle is this?

I couldn't tell you. Wow. I think while I was seeking for cautious optimism, I may have found ambivalence. Oh well. The end of this cycle feels much better than my hope filled ones.

Aunt Flo showed today. And I am completely OK. I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow. Preparing for our second IUI with G*nal-f. Check one down, two more to go. At this rate, we will be done in August. Very good thing considering our funds end then.

I am so OK. It is kind of scaring me.

So what has been keeping me busy? I've been rereading Harry P*tter 5 and 6. Preparing for the movie next weekend and Hollows. I can't wait, is stating it mildly. I am so very excited. I've been reading up on several sites and taking everyone's opinions in. So intrigued, and VERY excited to see how it all ends.

Also, thinking about starting a part time business doing Calligraphy. I've been going back and forth with it. And I think it may win out. More on that later.

The condo hasn't sold yet. We've had some promising viewers, but no offers. Thinking burying the Saint will be a must. I tried to do it peacefully :).

Maybe that is why I am so not phased by the end of this cycle. Thinking about other things, my therapist will be proud.

Oh yeah, T told me that I shouldn't be pessimistic. I laughed out loud a very hardy laugh. I think he got the point. Who me? Never. Funny, I used to be optomistic, still am, but not for myself.

Ambivalence, it is really kind of nice.

In Preparation :).

You Are an Orange Martini

Everyone's favorite drunk, you're fun, flirty, and charming. Unfortunately, you often spark jealousy - and unintentionally start bar fights. You should never: Drink and dial. You'll just end up with multiple booty calls at your door! Your ideal party: Is huge and lively. You love to work a crowd. Your drinking soulmates: those with a Blueberry Martini personality Your drinking rivals: those with a Dirty Martini personality

What Flavor Martini Are You?

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you. With respect to money, you spend as little as possible. You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing. The hidden side of your personality tends to be easily attracted to fads and fashions. You are showy and want to be noticed. You are the type of person who assumes that the world revolves around yourself. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you make opportunities to interact with many people through club activities or a hobby, then select someone you like.

Who's The True You?

1976

In 1976 (the year you were born)

Gerald Ford is president of the US The US celebrates its bicentennial, marking the 200th anniversary of its independence The Viking II sets down on Mars' Utopia Plains Promising, "I will never lie to you," Jimmy Carter is elected president of the United States Israeli commandos rescue hostages from Entebbe, Uganda The Concorde begins flights from New York to Europe George W. Bush is arrested and fined for driving under the influence of alcohol Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, is invented by Seymour Cray Freddie Prinze Jr., Reese Witherspoon, Colin Farrell, 50 Cent, Fred Savage, and Shannon Elizabeth are born Cincinnati Reds win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl X Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Rocky is the top grossing film Filming begins on George Lucas' Star Wars The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins is published The Eagles Their Greatest Hits compilation becomes the first album in history to be certified platinum "Tonight's The Night" by Rod Stewart spends the most time at the top of the US chart Charlie's Angels and The Muppet Show premiere

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

It was going so well.

Last night, the baby dreams came back. Crap. This two week wait was going so well. It was a BFP dream. Actually woke myself up annoyed. I hate those.

Retaliated by prepping myself for the more ammicable dreams which I have been having for the last 10 days of stainless appliances, hardwood floors, closet organizers, central air, a second bathroom, a dog, etc.

One more week before I can get tested. (I know it will be 16 DPI, but my test day should be on the 4th, and my clinic is closed.) Doesn't matter, I am sure I will get AF before then. She usually comes earlier for medicated cycles by a few days. Lets hope she is heavier than a paper cut so that I know it is her.

All right, must focus on some work.

St. Joseph

Obviously, it has slowed down at work. Thought I'd share my research on St. Joseph with you. When I did my search I found informative sites and funny sites. I even found a site that provides a virtual St. Joseph service.

The tradition is broad. As you can tell. Even where you put the statue is broad. Some suggestions are:

Bury the status upside down next to the "for sale" sign.

Bury it next to your door step facing away from your home.

Bury it next to the street facing towards the home.

Bury it 8 inches deep versus 3 feet deep.

Putting one on a shelf in your condo.

(I've opted to put it on a shelf, considering burying him upside down and praying you act or else, seemed a little irreverent. Not kidding, there is an actual prayer that says that!)

The one that I like (and use) is:

Oh, Saint Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong,
so prompt before the throne of God, I place in you all my
interest and desires.

Oh, Saint Joseph, do assist me by your powerful
intercession, and obtain for me from your divine Son all
spiritual blessings, through Jesus Christ, our Lord, so
that, having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may
offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of
Fathers.

Oh Saint Joseph, I never weary contemplating you, and Jesus
asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while he reposes
near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss his fine head
for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying
breath.

Saint Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for me. Amen.

But as my instruction manual stated (yes, I know I am over the edge), "You can also increase your chance of selling your home by making sure it is in good condition and by asking a realistic price." I guess the faithful need a reminder of being realistic :).

The Condo and my new 2WW.

You may be asking why I have been so non-chalant about this cycle? Ok, I am asking. Like I said before, I have no hope that it will work. The cards we were dealt this cycle were just lacking. And I am fine with it.

I think it is a continuation of my "F*ck it" attitude from the cruise and that I am just too busy to think about being in a two week wait. Granted my attitude is really more like, to hell with it. Since on the cruise, I really said F*CK IT and didn't even acknowledge being on a two week wait. I really enjoyed that cruise, it felt like freedom which I guess maybe what life after getting off this roller-a-coaster will feel like.

Back to the condo. Selling the condo is keeping me busy, or at least preoccupied. Since, we put the Condo in the market two days before the IUIs, I have something else to focus on. See, I have things in my control to do - so that perspective buyer can take interest. So, my anal cleaning is paying off at least in that way.

Some of you asked to see pictures, here are a few. I took these when we made the attempt to sell our place on our own, as you can tell these are not of the best quality. Since our digital camera broke about 9 months ago. (Also, explains why I haven't posted about the cruise more, which I do plan, I just want T to do the photos. Since it isn't our camera, I would rather not be responsible for it.) So these aren't the photos which are being used; those are much nicer and with the real estate agent.

So here goes:

The living/dining room.




The kitchen; new stove, dishwasher, and tile floor. (I really like that floor, stormy sky, that is what it reminds me of.)



The bathroom was just redone in 2006 and the only thing original is the tub. (Even the plumbing is new.)

The bedroom is much larger than it appears. Our bed is a king size, it is as big as a buick, and as a result takes up loads of room!

We have another bedroom/office, but I couldn't find a photo. It is also a large room with a fantastic closet.

So far, we get have only gotten positive remarks. Clean, spacious, lots of closet space. We have had five perspective buyers come see it. And a few were concerned that we had been broken into. (See, the screens are bent which is completely my fault. Cleaning the windows, I bent the screens...can we say neurotic? So we need to replace those, not so bad.) No other comments.

It is now the wait and see. Maybe this is my new two week wait. How ironic? That my two week wait has been replaced by another, and somehow I am fine with it.

And another interesting tid bit, like my first TTC 2WW, I have my prayer. Now it is to St. Joseph. I even went out and bought the statue. It is sitting on self right now. Yes, it has become my new 2ww obsession. It would be great if only last 12 to 20 days. In this market, that would be GREAT! Here is hoping :).

Funny, I have a top ten list, but it isn't on it. Maybe I need to reconsider.

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Try, Try, Try again and I finally got all of them right. :)

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade History?

My Personality

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

What Kind of Girl Am I?

You are a Brainy Girl!




Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.

You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.

For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.

A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

The Great, the Grand and the Ugly

If you are like me, and subjected to many a western, you'll understand that I had in my head "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" title in my head. But truth be told, two of the items are both really good, and only one topic is really UGLY!

The Great idea from Mel, the Commentathon. It has been so much fun and I love it. So much fun receiving comments from people whom I had not come across before. And I am also having a great time meeting others thru their blogs. Thank you Mel for creating this gathering of support!

The Grand, The Brain Tumor Society's Ride for Research . As many of you know, this occured May 20th. THANK YOU to all who donated. I cannot express to you how much it meant. The entire race raised so far $1,800,990. (By the way donations are still being accepted until September if you feel so inclined.) And our team, in honor of Bobby raised $16,248.00. Yes, we did exceed our goal and THANK YOU!

The Ugly. Yes, the post below instigated some more ugly acts. If it wasn't enough what had been said and done, she sunk to a new low in my opinion. After I waited six months to vent anything about the situation. After I was certain that I had chronicled the incidents without judgement. But to express my feelings. To put them into my pensieve. I got slapped in the face again by my former so called friend.

The events of the last few days have left me feeling in shock. She could not have been my friend, if she was she would find some respect remaining for what was our friendship. Instead, she preaches about wanting to be an adult and not to have been at fault. She insincerely apologizes, and then takes it back by posting on her blog. Then she tries to intimidate me by posting my post to her blog. She has pained me in a way that I did not think possible. It is a betrayal, yet again.

Sill, I have to much respect for what was and I will not be linking her blog to mine. But, the door is FOREVER sealed. Forgiveness will occur, but I can never forget.

Unraveling of a friendship that never was.

I’ve been battling whether or not I should post this. Battling, because the majority of the time I believe it best to let sleeping dogs lie. But this continuously comes back to my view and strikes me as something that I must document – as a reminder to myself that I did the right thing.

About six months ago, I broke up with a friend. And it was a big deal. I had gone back and forth if I should break up for over a year. She and I had been best of friends for 10 years. For the last two years of our friendship, and with the introduction of my infertility, we couldn’t find a balance. She did not understand and got sick of listening to me. It only caused problems, because this topic consumes me at a time. And more often than not, she would “poke the monkey” and antagonize me – not in a playful way, but in a mean spirited manner.

This friendship truly turned into the furthest thing possible. What broke the camel’s back was an email trail that she ultimately stated that all she had for me was pity. It triggered my empathy post. And instead of her addressing my feelings, instead of her understanding my point of view, she retaliated with this comment:

This post saddens me immensely. I wish you could be so eloquent when communicating with your actual friends and not just in your blog.
I wish you knew how I have been trying for over a year to understand your point of view as an "infertile" as you call yourself(s). As a "fertile" (or so you like to call me) I am hurt by this post and frankly I am exhausted from trying my very best to avoid certain topics or words when talking to you. And since I have come to the realization that I have nothing but pity for you...not pity for your "condition", but pity for how you are now reacting to the world around you.
I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.
I have read this post many times and I wish you could realize that although it seems some other "infertiles" agree with you - 2 Wrongs don't necessarily make a Right.

This comment made me realize that I had to cut my ties, I had to sever a relationship. And I had never done anything like that before. Sure, I had lost touch with people, but never had to say to someone “I can’t be friends with you.” Essentially, this was where I found myself. At this exact point of our lives, we could not be friends and it wasn’t to say we couldn’t be friends later. Because I was going thru something that was so immense and she had no ability to understand why this effected me so. After several hours, I wrote her this:

It really saddens me that we have gotten to this point.

You stated, “I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.”

This statement says it all. You don’t think that it has been equally as hard to talk to you, to be friends with you?

Yes, Amy I recognize that you have tried. And I give you credit for trying. But, I am exhausted in how much I have tried as well and the fact that you don’t recognize it is bothersome.

Every time you made a comment or made a statement that was hurtful, I explained it to you. I told you what was going on, because I could put myself in your shoes and knew that you didn’t understand where I was coming from. But, at that point you also welcomed my comments or statements. As long as you could try to understand, I tried.

The “pity” comment. You didn’t even see how that could be hurtful, you ignored my feelings. You didn’t try at all to understand, you gave up. So I took your cue. You obviously did not want to be bothered to try any more. You didn’t mention it to me, you didn’t acknowledge it until today. Then how did you choose to reply, by a comment in my blog.

(Well, if you remember correctly, you told me a while ago that your blog was for you and only you. Any comments I wanted to make in defense should not be inserted in your blog. I only ask that you do the same for me. I blogged about it because I wanted all pity to stop not just yours. I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s.)

It is clear that we have both been trying to make a friendship work that is failing.

It deeply saddens me to come to the realization that we can’t be friends at this point in our lives. You cannot see my point of view or want to and in my opinion that is the basic point of being a friend.

Maybe in a year or two, we can be friends again when our circumstances change. But, now, it is just too hard. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard.

Good luck with everything, I truly hope you get everything you want out of life.

She responded to me:

You are completely right.
We can't be friends right now.
I don't know how to be friends with you anymore.
Every time I try to talk to you, I upset you.

I have kept a lot of things to myself over the last year and I won't bother to bring them all up now, but please know that although you may think you tried....you did not try as hard as I did to be understanding of your every changing moods and I often felt poorly treated and underappreciated by you and I opted to bit my tongue to save the friendship.

Dianne, I was mostly trying to maintain the friendship because I feel like someday you will have found peace, but until then...I don't know how to be any nicer to you and I am constantly upset that you are always angry at things I say. I was hoping that by you being friends with me, you would be able to learn how other people may view things you say or things you do, but you don't care. Please be careful with yourself and your other friends. I hope you don't find that you push too many more people away like this. It would be very sad for you to lose more friends over this.

Good luck to you and I hope that you can find peace in what your life
brings you.

Her reply solidified to me that we could not be friends. I always knew she had it in her - I'd been friends with her long enough to know she had a snarky side. I just didn't think she would react to me in that way. Crap I was only saying that we weren't good for each other for RIGHT now. And she completely shut the door on me forever.

Ironically, every time that I question my actions, I find something that validates me. A few months ago, you may remember this post on how lonely I feel at times. I just found out she responded to it on her own blog by saying:

Being single together and going dancing. I was in her wedding and we thought of each other as family...sisters. 12 years will do that. Then our lives changed. Her life became focused on becoming a mother. Not, BEING a mother, because she has not found herself "blessed" that way, yet. One of my very best friends (EB) is the mother of 2 children and I have not found it difficult to stay friends with her, at all. I love her 2 kids as if they were my own niece and nephew. Having a mom as a friend, is not the issue. Having someone who WANTS to be a mom...IS apparently an issue. That friend (D) has focused her entire life and everything and everyone around her on her wanting to have a child. It has enveloped her. And maybe it has changed her. She prefers to avoid going in certain public places...for fear of seeing babies or pregnant women...those upset her to see. It became increasingly tough to talk to her and to see her point of view on her new life perspective. D posted about being lonely and I ache to reach out to her. Part of me wants to tell her she deserves her loneliness, for pushing me away and out of her life. Eventually, our relationship became somewhat hateful and manipulating. She would take things out on me and use me to vent her frustration and anger. And I would "Poke the Monkey". I would provoke her or ask a leading question, hoping that it would make her think and recall old feelings in herself that would make her think twice about what she would respond or how she would treat me. Sometimes I just needed to get my feelings heard and though, I tried to hold back (a lot) things would eventually come out and I had a secret hope that she would sometimes revert to her old self and see things from her old perspective. It never happened. She would just end up mad at me and I was constantly apologizing to her.

I will not be linking it, since my whole point is to chronicle the events and not berate her. This entry solidifies that she didn’t understand. She will never understand. And my judgment was correct. We cannot be friends, and we can never be friends.

You may be asking why post this, well because I know I am not alone in having "friends" who don't get it. And sometimes it is OK to quit a friend; especially when they are more of a fiend. Infertility has been a blessing at times, because it has helped me realize who my true friends are and also to unravel the truth of other situations.

A, if you are reading this, I will never read your blog again and I would greatly appreciate it if you provide me the same courtesy.

Accomplished and Ambivilent

Thank you ladies for your kind words of support and commiseration. You remind me why I so value you all. This entire experience is trying and difficult, but you make it much easier.

So, this weekend was CRAZY busy.

Friday, we put our condo up for sale officially - with a real estate agent. As a result on Thursday night and Friday morning I was running around cleaning everything in site. I must get into a normal cleaning schedule, otherwise I'll be going out of my mind with another thing to worry about - is our condo clean enough? Our first open house is on Sunday.

Saturday, my sister's bridal shower. Thankfully, the event went well. Everyone seemed to like the place, food, and decorations. Although, my mother had to cause an argument with me. And the sister-in-law from hell was up to her old tricks. She is the worst kind of bitch - passive aggressive. Sadly and ironically, my mother ended up breaking one of my sister's gifts and really upset her.

Sunday, Father's day went fine. We went to dinner and had a good time. I told Mike that I love him, but that I am grateful that his family is not mine. No offense, but that I had enough of the women in his family because they were way too much like the women in my own family. And that I am very grateful for him, because I can't imagine a better person to be joining our family.

And I finally got to take the HCG shot yesterday. First IUI today, tomorrow will be the second. Again, feeling very ambivilent, so are sperm and eggs. Not sure how many we have - one day it was two at the same size. The next two days, it was one. Honestly, don't think that the tech scanned both ovaries. Because their was one on each side. Who cares? And we have seen better results with the swimmers before - T had that sunburn and then a cold, which he still has. Like I said before, who cares?

Yes, ambivalence is in the air.

May I have a guesstimate? Please.

I read many blogs dealing with infertility. It seems most are optimistic, look forward to treatments and do better emotionally while cycling, and have more of a clear cut answer as to when procedures will be taking place.

With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.

To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.

Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.

Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.

She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.

I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!

And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.

And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.

Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.

My Blogaversary

The year has gone very quickly. And the reason for the blog has changed so much within that year.

At first, it was to prevent myself from exploding. My first couple of entries was the beginning of a cathartic act. Getting things out of my head, the beginnings of my pensieve.

It then turned into a means for my husband and friends to understand what was going on in my head and how to provide me support. Some of those friends took my advice and excelled and while others only found pity instead of empathy.

Then it turned into a chronicle of our treatments, of 2 week waits, and a battle within.

It later turned into a communication channel to a phenomenal group of people who cheer, care and support beyond my wildest dreams.

It is now an outlet with all of these factors. A thing that has helped me evolve and will continue to help me evolve. It is a beautiful outlet that if I did not have, I would be missing something. Because it is truly helped in a difficult time.

And I thank you all for reading, commenting, and truly making a difference in my life. Since without you, it wouldn't be as special.

***

I also really listened to these lyrics and I thought it was so appropriate to my relationship with my blog and struggle with infertility. I thought I would share it with you all.

lyrics - Kelly Clarkson Lyrics

Busy

Promise to post some photos soon. It has been crazy here. Last week, I was chasing after guests and finalizing everything for my sister's bridal shower which is on Saturday. And that drama continues with her sister-in-law!

Also, yesterday, I went in for blood work and my E2 is at 66. This time for cancelled IUI I was at 975. So, obviously only one follicle if that and no worries on the eight. Go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping that the IUI is on Thursday and Friday - so that doesn't interfer with everything I have to do on Saturday. Pick up flowers and prepare, etc.

Oh yeah, we are putting the condo on the market with a real estate agent. We've run out of the quick and cheap alternatives and if we are serious, it is our only logical option.

Hoping I can get Friday off. I think it may be a necessity. Life always feels zero to sixty.

P.S. Thank you for the well wishes. The birthday was nice. I went to see Spid*rman and Pirates. I really enjoyed Pirates. And it was nice going by myself. Actually, it was really nice to sit where I love to sit and not have to accomodate anyone else. To calmly do what I wanted and still get to see the previews (one of my favorites). It was really nice.

Another year.

It is my birthday tomorrow. Yup....another year older. No big plans because well - my husband is working and I have no friends. :). Just kidding. I just have friends who live far away or who probably don't feel like going out (eight months pregnant). And I didn't ask.

Because, I'll be going to the movies by myself. And honestly, I am looking forward to it. I know, I sound crazy. But, I want this year to be the year that I do things either with people or without. That I don't hold myself back because I am going to do something alone. See, T works alot. And I need to get out there. So, no matter how insignificant it seems. It is a big deal.

The ironic part is that I used to be more like this, do things that I wanted to do regardless of who was coming with me or not. And the cruise allowed a safe place for me to do that again. It was really nice, I did what I wanted and got to see the man too. Heck he was usually in bed.

But, something changed. My relationship with T made me more dependent. And it isn't a bad thing. I love my husband and he and I plan on being married for a long time. But he works alot. And I get lonely. So, I will be doing things I want to do regardless. Because it might get me back to where I really like myself. When I was independent and in control.

So the movie tomorrow. And who knows what else. It is a step to being me. And grab back some good things that I lost along the way.

Swaying Back to My Reality

Do you know in a week, it will be my one year anniversary of blogging? Yes in one week. I'm amazed. Mostly because this year has had so many changes - which this cruise allowed me to completely think of - and gain some additional peace.

You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?

Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!

I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.

I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.

The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.

I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)

And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.

But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.

Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).

Off having a fantastic time! Be back later.

Wish me a Bon Voyage! Wishing you all the best.

WTF?

No seriously. Either God has a sense of humor or I have a F*CKED up body. And today, I really don't know the answer, maybe it is both!

Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.

F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.

What the F*CK?!?

***

To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.

Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.

Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!