Cocooned in Jealous Rage

Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.

She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.

She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.

What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.

It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.

The thought process starts:

“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.

And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”

BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?

PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.

The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.

But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.

I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!

So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.

But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.

T's B-day....so true. I had to post!

Got the idea from a fellow blogger. The Cookie Princess did the Birthday quiz for herself and her husband. This is T's answer. Too stinkin' funny! T good thing I'm head over heels with you!

Your Birthdate: December 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

My Happiness

The amazing Mel has done it again, now in a series revolving around happiness. (I tried to link her, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me!) You may be asking, “What has she done?” Well she has made me think. Truly think.

She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.

I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.

That is when it happened.

I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.

But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.

Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?

Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.

If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.

Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.

It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.

See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.

Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.

My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.

This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.

Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?

So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.

How about those apples?

I've ovulated. YUP! I've been peeing on sticks, using my handy dandy monitor, and no detection. Yet my blood test today CLEARLY shows that I ovulated.

If no AF in 14 days, I am to get a blood pregnancy test. HA! (Why did I feel like putting an asteric in the word pregnancy? Maybe because it is starting to feel like a bad word.)

Not sure why this is frustrating me, but it is. Stuck waiting, more effing waiting.

Whatever!

The Skinny

The diet is going well enough. No actual progress since my initial drop. Actually, I've gained a 1 pound back, but I'm chalking that up to the ice cream I had last night. I know myself if I don't allow for some cheat'n I will blow this diet. So we will see, I think in about a month I'll know more if this is working. The good news is that I fit into my jeans yesterday very comfortably. So that is a good sign! And I've done some physical exercise everyday except Sunday. Not bad.

IF, it is currently CD 25. Still no ovulation detected and no sign of AF. So, I broke and called the RE today. Bloodwork tomorrow and probably Friday to figure out where the hell I am with my cycle. Hoping that I get my period soon, so that we can have our last IUI in September. Yes, the money is over for the extra insurance, but that is what credit cards are for. See, not kidding slippery slope people.

Lastly, I'm back to the wedding festivities planning. I need ideas for my sister's bachelorette. Everything I've thought of is way too expensive or not exactly right. Very stressed over it and the clock is seriously TICKING!

Your Birthdate: June 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Lets hope that September is my power month. Well, if AF or ovulation ever show!

Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.

The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.

I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.

I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.

Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.

While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"

Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.

Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.

See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.

Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.

I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.

Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.

Weight

What an ugly word. No one is ever satisfied, no one is ever content. It is a constant struggle.

But oddly, it is making me feel as if I am getting a bit of control back.

So this diet, has led me to think about my weight issues.

1-19: Under weight. At one point, 5 ft 7 in I weighed 115 pounds, my then doctor accused me of being annorexic. My mother quickly said "Her, she eats more than her father."

19-25: Grew two more inches for my now height of 5 ft 9 in. And got mono. Yes that lovely ailment that literally kicked my a$$ for about six months and changed my metabolism. In six months of illness, I gained 30 pounds. It does make sense, since all I did was eat and sleep. A little studying was thrown in (my Freshmen year).

Yup, loads of fun. My mom, God love her, told me I was fat. (Thanks Mom, if you compare anyone to your nieces, they would be considered fat. Considering they are aneroxic and between 2 to 9 inches shorter than me.) After watching my food consumption, I went down to 135 for several years.

26-28: Met T. Gained 10 pounds. 145. Actually, at what 5 ft 9 in is suppose to be at.

28: I get off the pill, start this journey of trying to conceive. Gain 5 pounds. I'm up to 150.

29-30: Gain 5 pounds, I'm up to 155. Struggle to loose those five pounds every few months. Fluctuate between 150 and 155.

31: At June 1st, I weighed 150, by the end of July and two crazy cycles, I gained 7 pounds.

Yup, that is what did it. Those additional seven pounds about put me over the edge. I've been wearing the same few pants for the last several weeks. Actually, getting very sick of them.

I found that no matter how healthy I was eating, I was gaining weight. It is extremely frustrating, because the only thing I can blame it on are the medications. So out of my control. UGH. I guess this cancelling is a blessing in disguise. Because my total and absolute disgust with my body has led me to this diet.

So this diet. It is actually healthy, which I usually eat that way too. It only brings to my attention portion size. (And this is where I have found I was going terribly wrong.) It also promotes a balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It is suppose to help with hormone and insulin levels. It may become a permanent life style change. With all of that in mind, I feel like it may actually do what I need it to do.

Help me loose weight, and maintain it while I am on a crazy cycle. (Oh yeah, where is my ovulation or period. I HAVE NO IDEA. Need to call the doctor.)

In addition, I've walked Monday, Tuesday, and today. Went to yoga yesterday. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. Very excited! Now only if my stomach could shrink so that I won't be HUNGRY all of the time. :).

My Personality

New mission.

My latest thought is that I want to incur some revenge on this crappy body of mine. So I am going on a diet. I've never done this before. Yes, I've controlled my food intake before. But, I've never purchased materials on a diet, read it, planned to follow it, signed up for information and followed a "plan."

After talking to a friend, I've decided to take her lead and use "The Z*ne." It actually looks very healthy, and somewhat possible to follow. Ironically, I think I will be eating more than I do now. Just differently. So one step at a time.

In addition, to the diet, I'll be walking at lunch two to three times a week. Yoga one to two times a week. And we will see what happens from there. I'd like to start doing more, just not sure what that is at this point.

I just know myself. I've never liked exercise - except for yoga. But, I've also never felt so utterly disgusted with myself. You know there is a problem when your "fat" pants are tight.

So a new mission...maybe it will be a good way to start liking my body again. Hmmm....I'll just be happy fitting into my bridesmaid dress. October is fast approaching.

I'm fine.

Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.

First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.

I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.

***

The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."

I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!

Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.

Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.

Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.

Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.

And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.

I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.

Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.

I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.

Infertility blows.

Adeus Avo

My Grandfather passed away yesterday morning. As he said, "I'm 85 years old, I had a good life. I had four children, nine grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I've been married twice, and once to the love of my life. When my time is up, I am ready to go."

As his grandchild, I will take that to heart and remember him as a funny, loving, and caring grandfather that he was, a true blessing.

Avo, you will be very missed and please watch over us. Love you.