Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I'm fine.

Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.

First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.

I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.


The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."

I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!

Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.

Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.

Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.

Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.

And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.

I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.

Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.

I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.

Infertility blows.


BigP's Heather said...

It does blow. I'm sorry. I'm here if you want to talk.

Amy Bader said...

Dianne, you are not alone. You are not alone. You are NOT alone.

We are here with you. We will listen. We will cry with you. We will comfort you. We will wait with you.

And one day, we will smile together.

Joei said...

No, honey, infertility F*CKING SUCKS!!
I am so, so sorry about your grandfather.
I'm sorry about the cancelled cycle.
I'm sorry you are still dealing with all of this crap!

I am VERY proud of you for telling your family what is going on, even if you aren't disclosing full details. You are very, very strong, and its okay to cry. You have every right to feel every emotion whenever you feel it.

Lots of love and HUGS!!

TeamWinks said...

I cried in the shower. The sound of the shower drowned out my crying. Terrible but true. How sad it felt to hide my pain, to spare my husband. I can understand and relate to that. Infertility does certainly blow.

Your responses to questions were clever, especially considering the emotionally charged situation. I wish this was easier for you. You aren't alone. Look at your side many other women. Many of us would hold your hand if were close enough to. Myself included. Hang in there.

Sunny said...

IF does blow for sure.

Caro said...

It all totally sucks.


Waiting Amy said...

Sorry, that other Amy above was me. I didn't realize that I had signed in with my other account.

Still hoping you are feeling better. Wish we could all be there to hold your hand and try to help you smile.

Samantha said...

I wish there were a way to make these family gatherings easier. One thing I have found is that hiding my feelings from my husband hasn't worked out well in the long run, so I hope you'll be able to share with him some of your pain, and the two of you can lean on each other for support.

Anonymous said...

It really, really blows.

I had a hard time with IF after my favorite uncle suddenly died in a car accident last January. My grief for him was compounded by my other grief, as well as a strong sense of guilt that I was letting down the family by not being able to get pregnant, and I'm still heartbroken that my child (if he/she ever exists) will not know my uncle, who loved kids.

I'm sorry about your canceled cycle, too.

Susan said...

I cried reading this...honestly. I'm at my desk.... : (

Kristen said...

I'm so sad for you. I want nothing more but to see you be happy and this just sucks royally.

Just like the peaches on your grandfather's tree, you are soft and sweet but inside, there is a pit. No one else can see it until they dig far enough inside. The pit of failed cycles, lost hope, or whatever it may be.

While IF is a lonely place, please remember that there is a whole community of women who love you and support you in all you do.

I wish I could give you a hug in person but here are some virtual ones(((BIG HUGS))) for now.

JJ said...

It blows BIG are definitely NOT alone...have you considered joining us ladies in the Braces Bunch? Email me if you want...or have questions. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I have a huge lump in my throat after reading your post. How I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you, friend.

Your feelings are 100% on the money: IF blows, it's unfair, it's terribly isolating and even our closest loved ones can't understand/appreciate/validate our feelings. I'm sorry about the loss of your beloved grandfather, the endless questions from well-meaning relatives, the double-edged sword of seeing your new little godchild and, of course, your canceled cycle.

It hurts me to know that you're hurting...but I'm so glad that you're back to blogging. I missed you during your brief absence.

Anonymous said...

I agree, it does blow but please keep in mind that you are NOT alone. I feel your pain, every word of it. I live it, I breathe it, and sometimes I feel as though it will consume me, but I won't let it and you shouldn't either. We are all here for you, anytime you want to vent or cry or scream or anything, we'll be here.

PCOSMama said...

IF does totally suck!
I'm sorry for the canceled cycle, your grandfather, everything!
Good for you for telling them like it is. That's one thing I was big on with my family - from the start I made it clear that we were infertile and doing everything possible. Didn't prevent all stupid, hurtful questions or comments, but I do think it helped.
Just some food for thought.... when my dad died, my sister got pregnant within a month (she is a fertile myrtle though) and had a boy. My grandpa died last year and now we are having a boy in December. It seems we had to lose an important family member to get our little miracle. God works in mysterious ways.

Fat Girl said...

I'm sorry for your loss! Grieving can be isolating, and infertility is isolating... put them together and you have a very lonely combination. We are here for you. You are not alone. Do you have any IF friends in RL you could talk to? That would probably help you feel not as isolated also. If nothing else, try to do something to pamper yourself this week.

Take care of yourself.

Kir said...

You are not alone and here you never will be. I am so sorry for all the things you're feeling, I wish I could hug you and tell you that you're loved no matter what , mostly because you are.

IF F*cking Sucks, no doubt about it sweetie.


M said...

I am so very very sorry. I just now read about your grandfather and all of the stress that came with attending the funeral.
I am sorry.

LJ said...

Oh D, what a horrible week, I am so very sorry about everything you've had to endure.

It all is just for shit, it really is. It's okay to be angry, sad, and confused about all of it. But you know that already

Rebel With.A.Cause said...

Oh Diane, I am so sorry that you had such a hard time!!! It never is easy to love your body when you have IF!! Hang in there sweetie, your day WILL come!!!

CAM said...

Ugh. That was one of the most from-the-heart, honest posts. That family gathering just feels like you are being punched over and over and expected to keep standing.
You are never crying alone, we are all here with you...crying.
So sorry.

Pamela T. said...

Reading your encounters with your relatives and their incessant questions was tough. As others here have said, you are definitely NOT alone. And, yes infertility blows the big one...

K said...

So sorry about your grandfather. He sounds like a wonderful person. And sorry you had to hear all the stuff you didn't want to while you were there.

IF does blow.