I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.
The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.
I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.
I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.
Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.
While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"
Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.
Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.
See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.
Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.
I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.
Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.