Friday, August 17, 2007

Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.

The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.

I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.

I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.

Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.

While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"

Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.

Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.

See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.

Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.

I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.

Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.

14 comments:

Ellen K. said...

I can't offer any words of wisdom right now, but I understand; I've been there; I'm still there at least part-time.

It's rotten, isn't it?

((hugs)) I wish we could go get an ice cream together.

Glitter said...

Stinky...I can't think of a better word. Seems both of us are feeling icky and stinky and poopy and all that...

I'm going to email you off this...because maybe on one of my days off on Labor Day weekend you'd like to meet up??

Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm free for ice cream, too. Wish I could stop by and pick you up.

Having been in your shoes all I can say is that it's ultimately your call as to when and how you want to move forward.

Steph B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wanttobeamom said...

Did you read my mind (at least part of it)? I am so right there with you (except we haven't gone to IUI yet, but we have definitely ruled out IVF). Mainly I echo the thought that maybe G-d is saying no... It does make you sad to think that. And, for me, it makes it harder to find hope. I hope you do find a friend in RL who can share your IF struggles. That does help. If not, maybe you could become phone buddies with some of the IF bloggers?

I wish you the best!

Heather said...

Ugh, I feel you sister. I wish there was someone here who understood...

FattyPants said...

It would be nice if we all had a trench buddy. I have a friend who was successful through ivf and she is the biggest pain now. I will pray that this cycle will be successful for you.

MLO said...

I know what you mean about thinking God is saying "no." I don't want that to be the answer for any of us. I'm lucky in that there are women in my family who had to accept that as well as those who were successful with IVF - even some who have adopted. I'm just not ready to give up. But that is me, only you know where you are at.

Of course, we never know that we are actually hearing His answer correctly - we can only hope we are getting it right.

Pax,

MLO

Kristen said...

I wish I could take you out for ice cream right now and shoot the shit. I totally know what you mean. I love my blog community and everyone is so sweet and comforting. I just wish I had that in flesh and blood.

Our family is pretty tired of hearing me talk about treatment. They pretend to be interested but hoenstly, I don't think they believe it will happen anytime soon. I so know how you feel, unfortunately.

I don't think I had much time to mourn my loss, in the same way you didn't really mourn your last cycle. I've tried to preoccupy myself and jump into TTC again when I probably should just lock myself in my apt and cry for days to get it out. Hell, I went back to work the next day. So stupid but I didn't know what else to do at the time.

I am thinking of you and while I can't be there, I'm sending all the virtual hugs I can.

XOXO

Sticky Bun said...

Throughout this journey, I've often wished I had someone irl I could go grab a drink or an ice cream with so that we could chat and commisserate.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, between your grandfather and everything IF related. No matter what happens and what you decide to do, you are a beautiful person and I wish you peace and happiness. And, in the immediate future, I will be hoping for you this next IUI.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Damn...I want to join in the ice cream get-together with you too--and its hard that we all dont live closer . We need a "beam me up Scotty" like from Star Tre.k--that would let us all be at the side of each other.
Im so sorry you are feeling so blue...its not easy. And I can only say that I get it, and I am sending you a big hug and hoping you get to get out of funky town soon--HUGS to you...

CAM said...

This whole thing just totally and completely sucks and there is no other way to put it. Its not fair, it doesn't make any sense and its all random. The bitterness we feel is so deep and real. I agree with you that this blogging helps but it would be nice to have a real person to unload to. I am sorry that you are feeling like this - it just sucks.
Guess I'm bitter too... :(

Waiting Amy said...

Dianne, I'm so sorry this time has been so rough for you and you're feeling so discouraged. It is very unfair. I would love to come eat esspresso chip on your couch and talk all night.

As you already know, only you can no what is right for you in terms of how far to go down the treatment road. But know that we all understand your fears and frustrations. I know that every treatment cycle I enter at this point makes me wonder if I'm getting sucked into a slippery slope that will just end with debt and disappointment. But I guess for me, there is a need for an amount of certainty that I tried.

Sending lots of hugs your way, and hopefully some sunshine is soon to follow.

Piccinigirl said...

I can tell you that I was where you are and hated every moment of it. Only you know truly, what you can do next, what you are capable of and what you are willing to do. I wouldn't change my IVF experience, but God knows I didn't ever think it would come to that to get me PG. (that would would be my dirty little secret)

if you have that ice cream, I'd love to come by for a cone and I promise I won't overstay that welcome.

*hug*