Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Cocooned in Jealous Rage
Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.
She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.
She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.
What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.
It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.
The thought process starts:
“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.
And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”
BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?
PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.
The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.
But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.
I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!
So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.
But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.