Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Cocooned in Jealous Rage



Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.

She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.

She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.

What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.

It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.

The thought process starts:

“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.

And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”

BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?

PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.

The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.

But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.

I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!

So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.

But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.

11 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Dianne, I hope you burst out soon, for I am certain that you will be a beautiful butterfly.

Feel better.

Chili said...

So much of what we feel going through IF isn't rational, but it does help doesn't it? Just to have those irrational thoughts, get them out of our systems, and then face the world again. I hope you feel better soon.

Samantha said...

It's good to air your thoughts and feelings. When were feelings really every rational? Take care of yourself.

Kristen said...

I'm glad you have a forum to release all of this rage. We are hear to listen anytime. I'm so sorry you keep getting passed over. I know how you feel there. It should be you.

XOXO

Pamela Jeanne said...

Great images in your post -- from the cocoon to being passed over. It brought to mind yet another analogy for me -- that of playing musical chairs. Everyone else seems to get the chair but I'm left standing.

Thanks for bring some new insights into my own experience. Hope your writing here helped you to work through the anger. I understand how the encounters led to it...

Reproductive Jeans said...

Fancy new blog colors=)

Very moving post...conjured up a lot of images for me that I have identified with through this journey.

Hope you feel like a beautiful butterfly soon!

Kami said...

I just can't believe that some people are picked for babies and other's are passed over. You will have a baby or you won't no matter what happens in your cousin's lives. I don't mean to disregard your feelings - you are entitled to feel how ever you do - I was just hoping a different view might help a tiny bit.

Mrs. B said...

I don't believe any of your thoughts are irrational. If they are, then I am as crazy as you and I really don't think I'm that crazy, LOL! I too have felt "passed over" s I watch all of my in-laws and friends get PG, but I guess I just keep hoping that one day it will be my turn again.

Glitter said...

I want it to be your turn. NOW!

In a way I think a lot of people feel that way. When is it going to be my turn to have something...I know I do but it's about different reasons and different things.

The Town Criers said...

Came with a Cosmo. And you're right--this is the space. To vent that frustration, have a good scream, cry. And then pick yourself up and face that cousin and your mother's questions (because you know they're coming again today, tomorrow, the next day). Knowing you can always retreat to this space in your head during the conversation. Just picture the butterflies at the top of the page.

CAM said...

The fear, jealousy and rage is so real isn't it? We fear the moment we have to hear someone else's "good news" and we are jealous of them and then in a rage over our own situation. I just wish with all the meds we take they could make one that helps us deal with the emotional torment of it all!!
It will be our turn someday...
:)