February

It has been a rollercoaster of a month.

I won EE*Y for my department, and for the Corporate group.

T and I both got the flu. And were out sick for a whole week. We are still recovering from the cough portion.

Lastly, T's Nana died on Wednesday. She was a strong, fiesty, and determined woman. Widowed very young, she raised her three daughters and son alone. Over the years, I've gotten to know her and find a deep respect for her. (Unfortunately, she was never able to hear me - my voice is in the wrong octave.) She will be very missed.

Who me?

I've been busy. All good things. But busy.

For the past couple of weeks I've been planning and putting together samples for my Calligraphy business. I've started a site and ordered business cards! (I'll share the site once it is more put together.)

On Saturday, I took a refresher class. Actually during the class my teacher was very encouraging. I told her that I had been doing this for about six years, but that I wanted to take a class to be sure I was doing it right. By the end of the class, she was telling me I could teach the class. Who me? Never thought of teaching, but if the opportunity comes up, it would be fun. Guess what, the woman who heads the various programs called me this week. Not sure if this an opportunity knocking or her calling to tell me that I forgot to pay for something. :) We keep on playing phone tag.

Then on Wednesday, we have our empl*yee of the year awards announced. Guess who won? Yeah, I did for my larger group. The C*mpany wide empl*yee of the entire company announcement happens later - I doubt it. Still I was shocked and very flattered. I got to read some of the nice things my fellow co-workers had to say about me and I was very overwhelmed.

It is just really nice to be noticed.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I hope you have a wonderful day and are surrounded by those that love you and you love!

The Flip Side

Thank you for your comments on that last post. And for the huge insight. I hadn't completely realized that I was grieving in those moments. I know, duh? I never said I was the brightest bulb in the pack.

I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.

Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.

On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.

But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.

For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.

I kind of like:

the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.

In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.

Like:

be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.

All of those things, well, they make me happy.

Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.

Moments

A few moments to myself...and a thought that won't leave me, hoping I can remove it by placing it here.

For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.

But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...

Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.

Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.

Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.

Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.

I'm Elmo. (Something fun and cute while I am away at work.)

My friend Joei sent me this cute email. And I thought you would all like to play.

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the post before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts..)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you
definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on.


'A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words'

CRAZY BUSY!

I am so sorry for abandoning you all. I haven't had any time to read or write. And I had such great posts brewing about my trip to the nursing home, my various thoughts on my blog, etc.

But, instead what you have been getting is snow (at least up here in New England) because life here has been nuts! Working 12 hour days and weekends. I've been issued the loaner laptop indefinitely. I am hoping that it will all end soon, but with that I am fearful of what will becoming. A topic I'd love to talk about, but can't.

Work has gotten in the way of all my New Year's resolutions - especially going to the gym and starting the new business! But today, cross your fingers, I may actually be able to go to the gym. For some reason I have a lot of anxiety that could be let go of on a treadmill!

Oh some good news (before I get back to work) I got the results for my eyes. (I did make it to the eye doctor.) The left 20:15, and my right 20:20 with the potential to get better since it is still healing! So, my eyes are better than I ever expected. Very thrilled with it all.

Wishing you well, and hoping to have some time soon to catch up with you all.

Resolutions

At the start of every year, I look at myself and try to figure out how to be/do better.

Last year was the year I was attempting to do everything I could to have a baby. And looking at myself I realized I desperately needed to learn how to relax.

So, I started going to a therapist and yoga. The therapist helped by giving me a place to vent. But once we stopped with treatments, well there wasn't much for me to say. Thru out our sessions I repeated "I just want to be OK, if the answer is no." Well, the answer was no, I haven't crumbled, so I guess I'm OK. As a result I stopped going. Not a reflection on her. But I needed to move on. Since our only conversation was on treatments and my feelings on those treatments. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Yoga on the other hand was a resolution that I intend to stick to. Out of 52 weeks, I only missed 8. Not bad when you consider I missed classes mostly for being ill. Heck, I even went to classes on my vacation. It is something that completely relaxes me. The breathing calms me so, I have done breathing exercises at the RE, in the car, before I go to bed, basically anytime my brain is going a hundred miles a minute or I am EXTREMELY stressed. It has become a way of life. As an added benefit, I've also strengthened my back and suffer from less back pain.

As a result, I now know that resolutions are not for not. Sometimes, they actually can be a huge benefit. As a result, I'm making a few more for 2008 and I thought I would share them with you:

1. Starting the Calligraphy business.
I've already come up with a name, looked into websites, priced out business cards, and thought of an icon. Also, I've found some classes to brush up as well as increase my talents.
2. Gym.
In hopes of loosing some weight and regaining my bikini body. Hahaha. I've never had one in my opinion, but looking back I know that I did have one. Isn't it funny how prospective changes? So the goal remains the same as late last year, to loose about 10 to 15 pounds. Thanks to the holidays, I've gained back every last bit that I lost. Oh well.
3. Reintroducing the Z@ne diet.
See above for reasoning.
4. Organizing our finances and start to seriously replenish our savings!
Need I say more, after last year - our finances are in serious need of help! But luckily it can be corrected.

Ultimately 2008 is looking like a very busy year! It is also the first year in four that a baby is not a goal or part of any reason to do the above. Amazing what refocusing can do.

Reflecting on 2007

For some reason this time of year leaves me reflecting on the past year. 2007 was the year I was desperately trying to change and every change hit a speed bump which caused everything to remain the same. (You know, wanting to have a baby and getting negative after negative. Trying to sell our condo and having to take it off the market because of our bad timing.) And the things that did change, well weren't that great - Adeus Avo. It is the year of continued stagnation and more loss.

But it also was the year that brought me a new brother-in-law. So it can't be marked as a complete bust.

As I look forward, 2008 brings more promise. And maybe only good change will happen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Winter Wonderland

If you can't beat them, join them. I am not a huge fan of the snow, but currently I live in a place that has been getting a lot of it. So, in honor of my winter wonderland, I felt a need to change the look of my blog.

My last few Christmas Holidays, I felt the same way. If you can't beat them join them. I was apprehensive and cautious about the child filled holiday. But this year, I didn't have that nervousness or ba hum bug feeling. (Although I did and do prepare for the panic attacks that always happened in my car ride home at this time.)

Instead, I've been singing in the car. Looking forward to my baking for my little guests and T (who is a big child). I've been delighted in the gifts that we have bought, and I can't wait to see if they are liked. I sent cards, although a little late.

We took it easy. We didn't even put up a Tree. But, I will be getting my Nativity scene up. Only the little ones and my parents got actual gifts; everyone else gift certificates. (Although T and I got each other some gifts.) And we are throwing a small get together but ordering most of the food. Ultimately, so far it has been a great holiday season.

As the next few days will be the most busy. I'd like to wish you all a very happy and merry holiday! And a peaceful, healthy, and charmed New Year!

Cooking

I will start off by saying that I am not a natural cook. You know the people who throw a little of this and a little of that and get a magnificent decadent dinner. I have plenty of these individuals in my family, the hubby, my mom, and my sister.

I am a natural baker. Following directions and being precise are both inherent in me. (Probably why I was good in Chemistry.) And cooking is a challenge. Since 2007was the year of facing challenges, I resolved to cook more regularly. My goal was to cook two to three times a week with an occasional venturing out of my norm of a meat, a starch, and a vegetable.

The first three months, I was diligent, but a mix of delicious and debacles. A few immediate wins with myself and T were Meatloaf, Feta Chicken, and Salsa Chicken.

The debacles presented themselves in the Roast Pork in a Pan and mushy beef stew. Trust me, don’t put cauliflower in a stew until the very end.

During these adventures, I was cautious and followed the recipes to the tee. Luckily they were mostly successes. After a few months, I felt more courageous. T’s accolades helped me venture out, as well as, many of you.

Kimberly’s Mac and Cheese looked so good. I had to try. When I decided to make it, I sadly realized that I had forgotten the V*lveta and had to adapt. So, I got more adventurous and decided to try this recipe instead (also from Allr*cipes). (It came out so well, that I think I’ll be making it for T’s little cousins for Christmas Eve.)

This need to be creative, gave me more courage to be adventurous, a few weeks ago I tried Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now, this is a recipe that always intimidated me. Complete bravery is what inspired me. After all, I hadn’t had any serious debacles since January. Bravery was and is a new feeling to cooking. I took a deep breath and went to the grocery store. The deli clerk told me about how he uses rosemary ham and K*rry Gold Iris Swiss Cheese. I got further inspired and added a tsp. of rosemary and ground mustard to the bread crumbs. It was scrumptious, before I realized T had four pieces. (Thinking of making these bit sized and serving them for Christmas Eve too.)

Writing this post made me realized how apprehensive I was about cooking and how my resolutions this year really helped me gain some comfort in the kitchen. Next year, I will be taking some cooking classes. I found a class that goes on every couple of months. It is a new adventure that I’m personally looking forward to.

**I'm sorry that I don't have any photos of my own creations. My digital camera has been out of sorts - I've actually asked for a new one for Christmas. And my cellphone doesn't have one. (I can hear the gasp from here :).) Hopefully in the next few months I'll become more technology savey. Looking forward to getting a new cellphone too!

May I have a cookie?

I have been swamped and completely overwhelmed with all of my work that I haven't had time to read or write. I am sorry.

Lets put it this way on Tuesday I worked until 6:00pm, and Wednesday I was at work at 5:45 am and left at 5:30 pm. So I wasn't even out of the office for a full 12 hours before I worked 12 hours!

My job is customarily a 9-5 special. And I know how spoiled I am, but I am not used to working 12 hours straight with out lunch. Goodness!

So, I promise to write about cooking, yoga, the holidays. I think that was what one out. I'll probably write about everythign else as many of you suggested. Thank you to you all that responded :), for some reason I get worried that no one will answer when I ask.

Off to the weekend....so looking forward to sleeping. Did I tell you have a terrible cold too? Thanks to a husband who refused to take care of his cold and decided to share. Ugh...really I am in a happy place :). Just sniffle and very, very, very tired!

Random Thoughts

Let me start by saying that Thanksgiving went well. It was quiet. And the days that followed were fantastic. We got to see some friends that we don't always get to see. The bonus was that we also got to see their kids too. It was fun.

But it also caused the knocking to start. And as a result, so many random thoughts have been coursing thru my mind. Ultimately, it has left me without the ability to write anything, since I don't know where to start. So, I leave it to you. Assuming, you are still there...what would you like to hear about?

1. Faces in the REs offices;
2. Jealousy/ The Haves and Have Nots;
3. Holidays;
4. Yoga and the Gym;
5. Cooking;
6. Perceptions; or
7. Your choice.

Hopefully someone answers :) and puts me out of my craziness.

Happy Thanksgiving

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into
enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order, confusion into clarity.
It turns problems into gifts, failures into
success, the unexpected i
nto perfect timing, and mistakes into
important events.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.

by Melodie Beattie

Luggage

Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.

These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.

This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.

Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.

Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.

There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.

Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”

I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.

I can see!

So, the laser surgery went very, very, very well. I go in tomorrow for my check-up and were they will remove the bandages (clear contacts) and give me my current vision. I can tell you it is perfect, if not nearly perfect. But substantially better than my -7.00 and -6.00 original vision. I'm really content.

But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!

I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?

P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!

Interesting....very interesting.

You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams. You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness. Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies. Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one. Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares. Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses. You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Thank you

Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.

And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.

No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.

This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.

Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.

Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.

Freaking Out!

Now, I know that this mostly an irrational fear. But, I am affraid of becoming blind from my surgery on Friday. Now, I know - irrational. I G*ogled and it didn't come up with any testimonies of such. (Although in my craziness, I quickly thought, how would they be able to communicate via the computer if they were blind?) And the doctor only provided a less than 1% statistic that this would happen.

My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.

But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.

I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.

Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.

Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.

Acne

Calling for opinions! Seriously. I've been breaking out worse than I did as a teenager. It is completely and totally out of control.

It started in August. It was the beginning of high stress. (Grandfather dies, last cycle which got cancelled so we had to do it again in September, sister's wedding) And only got more stressful with actual cycle, cycle failing, and sister's wedding.

So in August, I tried this and when my skin was so dried and irritated, I thought I would use this too.

What I have now is even more irritated skin. So, I picked this up today.

Honestly, all of this started when I noticed that my facial soap of two years was no longer working. (Believe me, I feel embarassed about using that soap. But it really worked!) Then what usually happens, my skin became immune to the soap. And then stress happened. So the mixture is what has my skin in a twist.

My skin is dry and requires moisturizer. The dryness is what causes the break outs. (Flakey skin gets trapped in the pores and causes drama.) So it really is a balance of exfoliation and moisture. In the past, I've used: N*utrogena, Cl*nique, and Susan. My skin has grown immune to all.

Suggestions? Thoughts? What is your secret?