An Active Cycle

Since starting Clomid in May, I realize that I have active and quiet cycles. In the fourth cycle of Clomid, I am experiencing an active cycle.

Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.

Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.

Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.

My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.

Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.

Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.

I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.

So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.

Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?

For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.

DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.

I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!

So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.

With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.

Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.

Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.