I want to cry. As of today, cycle day 32, I still have not gotten my period. If I ovulated, I should have ovulated somewhere around day 10, that is a 22 day luteal phase. We abstained this cycle, terror of having a litter was enough for me. And I am desperate for my period. So much so, my T has offered “to buy me a period, you know the kind with adhesive on back, he could stop at C*S” and compared my period to “a big long run on sentence.” His attempts to make me laugh, instead he got a smile and “Maybe.”
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.