Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Fantasies

Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.

You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.

And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.

We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.

It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.

For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).

And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?

But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.

Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.

This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?

22 comments:

Amy said...

I think you are TOTALLY normal and have a great attitude about this. I'm at the very beginning of this 'fun' journey and I don't know how I'll be if I get failures after failures. I 'think' I'll be okay. However I worry what my marriage-children obsessed family would say. Heh :) But yes, you are totally normal and I wish you much luck with whatever decision you choose!

Caro said...

Sounds totally normal and logical to me. Good luck whatever happens.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I think this is totally normal and just part of the process, but only you will know when it is right. I have no words of advice because where I sit today I can't fantasize about being childless. Please know that what ever decision you make I'm behind you all the way!

Samantha said...

I think this decision is very personal. What's enough for you may be too much for one person or not enough for another. What's important is that we all know that we have a choice, even though we might to have the option of having children without medical assistance. We still have that choice to go forward with more treatment, to choose adoption, or to choose to life without children.

TeamWinks said...

I second Samantha.

Kristin said...

Dianne, the thoughts you're describing are completely normal. Some days I wonder what we'd even do if IVF worked -- we're so used to being childless at this point. Some days it's hard to picture us with a child and I think to myself that maybe we should just accept a life of sleeping in on the weekends, eating late night dinners, enjoying carefree travel, etc.

I'm confident that as decisions and opportunities present themselves, you'll make the right choices for you and dh.

PCOSMama said...

I agree with the others - these thoughts and feelings are completely normal. Only you and your hubby can decide what is best for you as a family and you will know when you are ready to make the decision. Good luck!

Adrienne said...

Ditto everyone else. It's a personal decision - there is no right or wrong. Follow your heart, as it really does know what's best for you. We just have to listen for it.

Artblog said...

I think its normal.

Its easier said then done to forget what we don't have and appreciate what we do have when those fantasies keep coming back to haunt.

My therapist told me one once that I shouldn't repress my fantasies. I had a tendency to do just that. I feel much better now that I don't anymore.

I hope you work yours out soon :)

X

Baby Blues said...

I fantasize about it too! If you ask we, I still want to postpone our baby plans for another 5 years. But it's because I know it may be difficult and chances would be slimmer, that I want to work on it NOW. But there are so places I still want to see, stuff I want to do, which may be difficult to pursue once baby is in tow.

What's really frustrating about IF is that because conceiving won't be as easy, our plans or life path is suddenly altered.

Carla said...

Dianne, I have been having those exact thoughts for days now. I'm so glad to see that the other gals think you are normal--it means I am too! And I have the same feelings about adoption that you do. DH has always said that he wanted to adopt even if we have 10 bio kids of our own. But I am not there yet. This may be very selfish of me, but it is just where I am right now (and I haven't always been in this place), but right now I so badly want the child that DH and I make together, that is part of each of us. And if I can't have that, I don't know if I want any.
Anyway, I think our next IUIs are going to time up together again-- I will be doing the pretzel for you!
Carla

Yum-Mum 2B said...

you're very normal & so are your fantasies

Sticky Bun said...

I think about these things too--I think it's good to at least entertain the thought, and to get a picture of what your life would be like if you can't have a biological child. For some, that picture includes adoption. For others, not. For us, we're not sure. We talk about it, but the picture is too fuzzy to see yet. As others have said, follow your heart. It's wise and you'll find peace with the path you choose.

Nicole said...

I will ring in with everyone else here to reassure you that you are perfectly normal. Every once in awhile I go there too. There was a time when I wasn't positive that I wanted children. And some day, I may come back to that thought. Especially since I am really not enjoying this time without my meds.

Glitter said...

It's the "what if" game we all play. what if I did this? What if I did that? how would my life be different? In the end, we deal with the cards we are dealt the best way possible? It's totally okay to think of this...I do it too (not about babies) but of other stuff.

Ellen K. said...

Well, you know I'm not going to say "You're totally abnormal!" ; )

Pausing, even momentarily, to consider these choices can only be beneficial. There's no harm in questioning; I'm confident that you'll find the answers.

Aurelia said...

No harm in wondering and asking the question...but I also wonder if this is a way of preparing yourself for failure, so that if it doesn't work, it won't hurt you.

I'm not sure that ever works...

If I'm totally off-base just ignore me...

Reproductive Jeans said...

Totally normal, and HEALTHY! Mook and I have already discussed one option for after our IVF round...I just have to imagine what life would be like IF we never do have kids...I know what you mean by the bruises. You have to determine how many (literally and emotionally) you can take before deciding to move on.
Sounds like you still have a very level head about it all...keep us posted!

Piccinigirl said...

wow, I am so glad you wrote this. mostly because a lot of my life last year was spent playing these same scenarios out in my head. I think it's normal and maybe even expected at this stage. We look down the road and we see so many forks and twists and turns...and sometimes it makes our brains say , "maybe I need a break".

it's such a big decision and such a heartbreaking time, and you really have to know how much you'll be able to take going into to. But like so many women have said, "you never know how strong you really are".

I hope you find the road and the strength for all of it. I'll be thinking of you.
*hug*

Joei said...

Totally normal, honey! You need to do what feels right in your heart! I do hope your next IUI leaves you without a decision to make, though...
Love,
Joei

Kate said...

M and I talked about "what if we don't have kids" when we were in our marriage classes before our wedding. I think it's normal and healthy to think about it.

Sara said...

I admire you for being not only able to think about it, but to think about it in a clear-headed manner and to blog about it. Whether it's "normal" really doesn't matter, does it? What matters is whether it's the best choice for you. There are a lot of advantages to child-free living by choice, especially as compared with involuntary child-free living. It's great that know that you have options.

Good luck making the decision. It's a hard one, and obviously I hope that the next IUI works out, and that you'll no longer have to even think about it.