For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)