Saturday, May 19, 2007

Self Sacrifice

For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.

At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)

And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.

So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.

A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.

And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.

So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.

Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)


Yetty said...

i feel you girl & am going through the same phase right now. I think the only way we can teach our future children to live happy lives is by showing them how to make the right mental decisions. I truly believe this is a step in the right direction. Good luck. :)

Unknown said...

Good for you. Infertility takes so much from us. And you're not letting it take You - your practicality sprinkled with whimsy. Enjoy yourself!

TeamWinks said...

I can understand doing what makes you feel like you have life coursing through your veins! Good for you!

Nicole said...

I have to say that when I look around me, the women who refused to sacrifice are the ones with lots of kids. Amazing how things work out. Now go treat yourself with something really really good!

Samantha said...

I frequently think about that in relation to my own life, and trying to balance the desire to have a child with the desire to live my life right now. Not to place myself, my husband, my friends, my career always below the potential child, but at same time recognizing that this is important to me. It seems especially hard to do all of this sacrificing when the outcome is so uncertain in the end. But it is a tough lesson to learn, and it's one that I'm still struggling with.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

It's so true--IF controls your whole world and the sacrifices you make are so far-reaching. Make decisions on what feels right right now. It sounds like you're in a good space.

Kir said...

I have felt this way since we got married too, and somewhere around the 8 month mark, I just said ok to trips and shoes etc. Although I do live for maybe baby some days, others it's for that cute dress I saw at the mall. I know how much energy IF has taken out of me and many days, I try to take it back.

wishing you a much HAPPIER you for the time being. You are too special to not take care of yourself too.


JJ said...

Glad you are taking the bull by the horns..and enjoy taking care of YOU!