Fantasies

Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.

You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.

And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.

We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.

It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.

For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).

And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?

But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.

Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.

This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?