I read many blogs dealing with infertility. It seems most are optimistic, look forward to treatments and do better emotionally while cycling, and have more of a clear cut answer as to when procedures will be taking place.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.