I read many blogs dealing with infertility. It seems most are optimistic, look forward to treatments and do better emotionally while cycling, and have more of a clear cut answer as to when procedures will be taking place.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.
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17 comments:
I find the scheduling probably THE most stressful part of the whole ART process.
Hugs and hopes that you get a guesstimate soon hon!
I agree with serenity! I'm about to post about my IUI/HCG issues. I'm a nervous wreck about it! I hope things start looking up for you and that this works in the end!
and I agree with both girls because the scheduling was just so hard for me, like you I wanted to know when things would happen, were they happening correctly, and on and on.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you for a good day for this, one where T can give you the shot and of course a stress free procedure. :)
My clinic during IVFs never can tell me when my exact date will be, but provides a rough sample schedule. Like others, I find scheduling to be a nightmare! I hate, hate, hate it! I also completely agree with you, your clinic should always share with you the results of bloodwork and ultrasound, I don't care how busy they are! You're busy too, and you came in to do the work, it's your body, you deserve to know what's going on!
On the bright side, at least you're not overstimming this time! I hope the scheduling will work out.
I'm sorry the REs office is not being particularly supportive or helpful. It always amazes me how poor some of their bedside manners can be.
And, you're so right about the scheduling...it can be so hard and so stressful. And it can feel like you have to fit life in around cycling, rather than the other way around. I hope that you get some clarity about when the IUI is going to be and how everything looks. Hang in there!
I hate that we never know. I mean, I do have a job. It may not be great or pay much - but I still need it.
Sorry, just wanted to jump in your rant with you. I'm stressing over not knowing too.
I absolutely hated the scheduling too! I had to have my hubby stay home with our daughter so I could go to the morning clinic (leaving the house at 5am!) and we had many a fight over scheduling. He needed to let his work know when he'd be coming in late, and I could never tell him more than a couple days ahead of time. You'd think with all the experience these RE's have, they'd be able to give us better estimates of things, but as far as I can tell every woman responds differently. Still, once you've been through a couple cycles it should be easier to estimate when things will be happening.
Sorry to hear your clinic is being insensitive, and I agree that you should always be given your test results. How long does it take for them to read you a number off your chart, like 2 minutes?
Hope everything works out!!
We have sat out the last two cycles due to either bad scheduling or sick nurses so I feel your pain. I'm also under the impression that most fertility clinics search for the dumbest nurses they can find, but they still should be able to read you back your results that are on the chart.
The nurses at my clinic are super but getting precise information and scheduling dates is well nigh impossible. In the beginning I would ask for more details and sometimes get it but now I just think, "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen, whatever the numbers are," and I do a "what happened?" i.e. what the %รง*" went wrong?, when I see the RE himself and try and get the information I want and he is good about replying to my 703 questions.
And I fell pregnant with an IUI with one follicule. I only just found out recently and I was glad that I didn't know at the time as I would have been freaking out that there was only one.
Good luck. The scheduling is super difficult to handle with a normal life. I hope you manage to find the strength to deal with it. Unfortunately so much seems to depend on blood tests and only a vague schedule seems possible as things can change from one day to another, but even knowing that does not make it less frustrating.
I think we should start letting these clinics know how VITALLY important it is for them to have superb bedside manners. After all, our happiness depends on it! And if we're not happy, we might go to a different clinic, and we would NOT recommend theirs to our friends or other IF's. What would then happen to their success rates?
Hope things will go extra smooth for you from here on, and that somewhere in that clinic someone will realize that they simply HAVE to be more accommodating!
Reading your post brought me back to my own experience juggling the unpredictable and complicated dance steps needed during my ART cycles. At the time I couldn't find words adequate to describe the stress and feelings of helplessness but you've captured it very well here.
Ok - I totally agree with you. It's like that don't understand how tressed out we are already! Little things like giving us SOME IDEA of the schedule would make things so much easier. Common sense, I would think.
I'm a planner by nature, and not knowing the whens and hows drives me insane. Dang infertility keeps the whens and hows deeply hidden. What a pain!
I hated not knowing until late afternoon what I'd be doing the next day. Drove me nuts. It sucks.
You know, it sucks too that we even have to ASK for our levels. They should give those automatically. It was always a big procedure to go look them up when I called.
There are so many things about IF that suck by nature: the fact that you have to do it, that it is about the least romantic thing in the world, that it's so expensive and infrequently covered by insurance and that it's relatively painful and risky compared to a good roll in the hay.
What kills me is that these clinics can't make the other aspects of it better for patients: having to ask levels, being jerks about scheduling and the fundamental lack of proper bedside manner.
I get that most of it will still suck, but can't they at least make an effort?
I was always surprised when other people got these lovely little calendars to put all of their information on. I was shocked when they knew the date of their IUI or IVF a month in advance. I never got this. I can feel for your frustration and I hope you get the date you are looking for soon.
You should see my calendar when I'm actively cycling. It's all color-coded with all of the "potential" dates on it. I've been pretty open with my work about what's going on and at the start of each cycle have sent an email to my boss listing the approximate days I plan to be out, then confirm them when I have concrete dates. I've been lucky that my cycles have been so predictable, but I can feel your pain. As for the staff at the clinic...hoo boy. My RE's nurses are pretty good, but the front office staff SUCKS! I can't tell you how many issues we've dealt with just because the front office doesn't know their head from a hole in the ground.
I'll hold your hope for you, you be as ambivalent as you want/need to be.
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