The insanity continues.

I know, talk about something new! But, when you spend more than 10 hours a day in a place without any breaks....well you get a little single minded :).

Has been very hectic to say the least. The big move happens tomorrow and I have a half packed desk at the moment. And still have work to do.

Say a prayer.

The sad thing, tomorrow what I thought would be an early release for me (you know a reward). I have a meeting to attend -- teleconference. For something else. And Sunday, I'll probably unpacking so that next week isn't a complete and total waste.

But, Thanksgiving is in a week. It has turned into my favorite holiday. Giving thanks for the things you want and GREAT/FANTABULOUS food!

More of the same.

Thank you to G**GLE Image for finding me the right photo. A chicken with no head. If you are interested in the article that included the photo. Check out.

So, my complaints regarding the place I spend more than 8 hours continues.

Thank you for your comments. Ironically, I started this job because it cut down my 21/2 to 3 hour commute into Boston. Isn't that ironic? That almost four years later and I find myself facing that same commute. Except, that past commute was positions that my hours were more consistent and involved a train ride(s). I know what it does to me. Overtired? Yes. Exhausted? Yes, both physicall and mentally.

Which isn't great that I am starting from that point. I am all ready mentally exhausted. Last week, I cried after being given a task that I had no idea how to complete it. It isn't the first time that I've been given a task that I had no idea how to do. Actually, I get a lot of those. But, it was the first time I cried in this job about it. By the way, it isn't the first time I've cried because of stress and work load. The last time, almost 5 years ago. (Not happy memmories).

Coumpounding the stress is that lately, I feel spastic. Before, the constant change and unpredictability of my job kept me interested. Now, I feel overwhelmed. And I know it is because the volumn. My hours keep on getting longer and I don't believe that will be changing in the new environment. Actually, anticipating it to be worse.

If I look at this objectively, a few steps removed from the situation, there are opportunities to be had. But, my position has its limitations. We will have to see. Ultimately, money will come to play. And my review will be early next year. Once the review happens, I will know if this is a permanent position for me (from my position as much as my employer). Or if it is time to move on. The ugly truth is that with so much transition, I don't feel steady - secure. Time will give me that knowledge, and I will have to go from there.

Obviously, if that is the vibe I receive, then maybe we can move closer to those offices. It work out in T's advantage too. But, with articles like this. I doubt that will be an option until late next year.

On a positive note, we leave for Aruba in less than 45 days! Very excited for that trip :).

So much to say....

Yet, I don't know what I can say. See, I want to talk about the place I spend more than 8 hours a day. And how things are drastically changing. It is leaving me a bit anxious.

See my the environment is changing. Angry emails. Tert phonecalls. Drill sargeants for supervisors. At least they aren't my "direct" supervisors. But, the problem is shortly, I will be under the same roof as these people and it scares me, since I will not be shielded by the computer or the phone. Instead they will be able to see me and I them.

Which leads me to my anxiety over wearing the right thing. Shallow I know. But lets face it people, appearances matter. I've bought several new pants, tops, and a new coat. Seriously, spent money on clothing. Something I haven't had to do in 4 years in my casual environment. Can't wait to see the dry cleaning bills. I've actually bought Dr*ell to see if that is an option.

Which only antagonizes the fact that my pay is less than the lowest average. S*lary dot com is not always helpful. It makes you very aware of what you should be getting paid. But in this economy, who is to say what you should be getting paid? Oh did I mention that I barely get 10 days for vacation and the insurance and 4*1K matching is a joke.

My commute will be about 3 hours a day. Less time actually at home. And more money used to buy gas and audio books (bought several last night -- they were all on sale!). Will need to hire a cleaning person, since I will be home to sleep.

But what to do. The end of the day, I like what I do. Which is important. And I can't easily find another place that I would do what I am doing. I could go back to a firm. And I've started to think that might be the right option. Since I don't want to make a move unless I get a significant pay increase.

Suggestions? Thoughts?

I voted today, did you?

I got to their five minutes before 7 am. The line was out the door, but it moved quickly. And I feel great that it is over with. I did my part.

Now, the wait. So excited about this election. May God Bless America.

Where do I start?

The photos are from our short get-a-way to the Dallas/Fort Worth area to visit friends. We really had a great time. Actually, we got home last week. But, I did something to my stomach muscles while riding the horse. Who knew you had to "post" when you are "trotting"? Not this very beginner. The ride was loads of fun, and now I know. So the "next time" I will remember to "post," because that was a painful pull.

As a result, the exercising was put on hold. Actually, it was put on hold the week before, since work has been very busy. I did go for a walk today at lunch, and I hope to start that up again. However, that isn't promising since my co-worker retired on Friday. And we haven't hired a replacement. I fear that they may not, considering the CEO is desperately trying "to make numbers". So, my fingers are crossed. Did I tell you with her gone, I am the low man on the totem pole and in my experience, the person on the bottom generally has to do the work that "trickles" down? And that we are moving offices in less than 20 days? I anticipate that I will be doing the majority of the packing. My new commute will be twice as long.

So not looking forward to any of it.

But, I must remember that my anticipation is usually far worse than the reality. Must go back to work.

By the way, I am so excited about voting tomorrow! :)

Texas

Last weekend, T and I went to visit friends in Texas. We had a total blast. Thought I'd share some photos.

A must read.

If you haven't read this, you should.

Meme -- Tagged

By LoriBeth of The Road Less Travelled . Thanks, I haven’t done a Meme in a long time and ditto.

The way this works: I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. (But, since I’ve seen this on many others blogs, consider yourself tagged if you haven’t been.)

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Demanding
5. Your father? Reliable
6. Your favorite thing? Peace
7. Your dream last night? Panic
8. Your dream/goal? Travel
9. The room you’re in? Office
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Hell
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Travelling
13. Where were you last night? Shopping
14. What you’re not? Perfect
15. One of your wish list items? Retirement
16. Where you grew up? Massachusetts
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? Sweater
19. Your T.V.? Scifi
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Useful
22. Your mood? Excited
23. Missing someone? Sister
24. Your car? Toyota
25. Something you’re not wearing? Sunscreen
26. Favorite store? Marshalls
27. Your Summer? Busy
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday

An important image.

After a conversation we had at my Aunt and Uncle's house, after a memorial for my cousin (their son) B. I came across this image and I wonder what he would think.

Go and click. It is one of the most important images I've seen in a long while.

It is amazing, what a few endorphines can do.

So, after my minor breakdown. I decided to take a lunch break and go to the gym. Heck, no one is here so I don't feel guilty for being in my gym clothing and sweaty.

Actually, 2.5 miles later, I feel really good.

A few people asked me about my progress. Well, I think I have been doing well. So far, after a week and only meeting the 10,000 goal once, I've lost two pounds. Not bad :).

Only eleven weeks before Aruba and Christmas.

I found the best Christmas card. It may trump the baby ones. Santa snorkeling. Exactly what I hope to be doing on that day.

So many things that I could write about instead...

but the one thing that seems to come out is my latest bought of infertility sadness.

Really, my blog represents me. And I've been to preoccupied to notice any infertility sadness for months. My feelings of happiness, well being, and contentment have been far out waying anything that is remotely sadness. Ironically, I thought I was ready to write about my depression of earlier in the year. How I got a speaking to by T, and somehow have been getting out of that funk.

But, just when I feel like I am doing better. I get whacked.

Four pregnancy and one birth announcements all at once. I guess the blows just get harder and harder. And the feeling of being left behind arises all over again.

Crap.

Just when I feel like I am getting over this bullshit, the evil forces of the world come to play.

Can't people just get pregnant and have children in the privacy of their own home and leave me out of it?

Err.

So frustrated.

Because if I were to get pregnant now, I would be angry. Rage would find a new meaning. But, it is still the one thing that I would love to experience. And that is the saddest truth of my life.

Good thing no one is in the office, since I am crying now. The tears are only several weeks late.

8,251

After parking further from where I have to go, a fifteen minute walk, and two miles on the treadmill, that is all I got.

But, this morning, I felt it. Personally, I think that is a good sign. Even if it took me a while to get out of bed, I did feel like I had a flat tire.

Ironically, my car did. I luckily walked around the car and noticed that my right front tire was nearly flat. Took the car to the mechanic up the street and it turns out that I had a rim leak. Who knew those existed?

Like the tire, I feel better.

So today, I think I will do the same and go to the grocery store. Lets see were that leaves me?

My 10,000 Step Project

Yes, it has begun. Today, I am wearing the pedometer and trying to find out what I walk "in an active day". So far, I've parked as far as I can from the office, and gone for a fifteen minute walk at lunch. I plan on going to the gym after work to, and walk on the treadmill.

By the way, 10,000 steps equals approximately 5 miles.

It seems like a lot to me. But, if that is what is needed to feel some progress, I need to do it. You know the old saying, shit or get off the pot. I really feel that is true. If you want to change something you got to do something about it.

So, with that said, the only two options that I can think of to increase my steps are parking further from where I want to get and taking walks daily at lunch. Obviously the gym is an option too, but I am realistic, that is not a daily option for me. And currently, there are no steps in my building or home.

I found this interesting article on the topic of weight loss and 10,000 step theory. Also, it has a good list of options on how to increase your steps.

How would you increase your steps? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Did I tell you I have to be in a bathing suit in 12 weeks?

What have I been up to?

Well, were do I begin?

The new refrigerator is a good place to start. Do you want to see a photo?



Isn’t it pretty? As you figured out, it came immediately after me finishing “In Defense of Food.” And I immediately went to the store and filled the new refrigerator with all wholesome foods. Vegetables galore! My husband, the very next day filled it with practical snack foods. (Did I ever tell you we balance each other?)



To be truthful, like with most of my kicks with food, I have been half hearted in efforts and practice. But, I found something new that I thought I’d share:

The Cl*f Nect*r B*rs and as their site indicates, they are a 100% organic, 5 or fewer ingredients, and 2 servings of fruit. So saying all of that, I doubt my grandmother would of eaten it (no access), but it is still good for you and good tasting.

The newest fad diet that has made it to my attention, is the Fl*t belly diet. R*chel R*y was boasting about it and it got my attention. But, I couldn’t find anything on line without a signup requirement. Yesterday, when I was at the book store picking up a few more audio books (they are also my latest obsession), I saw a magazine about it.

It was interesting, very similar to the principles of the Z*ne, because they both require eating monounsaturated fats with every meal. The one thing that is easier regarding Fl*t belly is that they are more loose with the percentages of carbohydrates, proteins and fats. They simply stated to eat three meals of 400 calories with a portion of monounsaturated fats in each meal. (Obviously, very simplified.) And, they included in their list of monounsaturated fats dark chocolate. (So how can a girl resist?)

So, I’ve bought two bags of dark chocolate and eating one piece after lunch. I usually cook with olive oil, so that covers dinner. My only meal which I still need to figure something out with is breakfast.

Also, it made the point that people in order to maintain a healthy weight should walk a minimum of 10,000 steps, which equals about 500 calories, a day. Now, this is what made my jaw drop. I know that I don’t come near to that and even when I exercise. And that is when I realized my “problem.”

See even with all of the health conscious choices I make and the exercise program that I was diligently doing for several months, my weight remained the same. When I look at my past weight gain, it does have to do with my lack of physical activity. I used to work in a city and walked everywhere from getting to the office to getting something done for work. Now, I work in a small office and rarely have to leave my desk. That equals 8-10 pounds which I have not been able to get rid of. (I blamed it on the treatments, and they did come on at that time, but they didn't leave.)

T got a pedometer in a cereal box and I thought why not do a little experiment? So, today I am wearing the pedometer to figure out what my starting point is and then I need to go from there. My end result was 2,460.

The reality is that I know that I am not overweight. But, I would like to slim down a bit and to be more comfortable with what the scale reads. I also know that I am a healthy eater (for the most part, I will eat ice cream and cake, but in moderation). This was my breakfast and lunch for today (plus a Bliss Dark Chocolate).



If the answer is that I need to try to reach this target of 10,000 steps, to maintain a healthy weight, it is a goal to aim for and worth my while in trying. And maybe for me it is a better gauge than 30 minutes of aerobic exercise. Obviously I need a bit more exercise.

So maybe my obsession will change from food to increasing my steps. For some reason, I’d rather have that as an obsession, it causes a less adversarial role with something I love. Did I tell you the magazine had some great recipes? (I’ll share soon.)

Ultimately, in my opinion, fad diets aren't the best way of loosing weight. But, they always have some truth to them. (That is why I read them.)

Doing just fine.

The previous post, a remembrance of sad times, but surprisingly I am doing just fine. No tears feel on that day or any days since. I spoke to my Aunt, B's mom, and I admit I swallowed some tears and there were moments of silence from me. But, I wasn't overcome with tears like in the past.

Maybe it is a sign that the sadness, when it is all mine (not drug induced), is a part of my heart, mind, soul, but a manageable part.

My happiness is far larger than my sadnesses. And I am grateful.

Double Meaning

Last year, on this day, a double meaning sprang to this mournful day. It was the first anniversary of my cousin's death. It was the end of our pursuit of a child.

As I sat in a memorial mass for B, I cried. And it was as much for missing him, as it was for missing my unborn child(ren).

Today, I will remember them both again while I play the song that reminds me of B.

**At least my emotions today will be my own and not even slightly drug induced.**

I am alive.

Yes, I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. It has been CRAZY at work. No end in site. Working long hours, doing calls from home, and there is more on my plate then I care to mention.

I did manage to sneak out today for an hour to run on the treadmill. But, I've been horrible on the work out front. Today was my first day back at the gym in a month. Yes, you read that correctly. I have been better on the yoga front. I only abstained for a full week from that. Goodness.

I do owe you several things:

1. Read Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult.
2. Listened to The Last Lecture by Pausch.
3. Listening to Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.
4. Last installment of why - Vanity.

Also, found a great book on Kundalini yoga that I am enjoying. And I had a lovely weekend in N*ntucket visiting my sister. Made a vow to visit atleast once a month in the summer. It really was perfect.

OK, that is enough for now...be back soon.

My Book Club Thoughts....

Yes, another book. I finished it last night, In Defense of Food an eater’s manifesto by Michael Pollan. It was a quick read, but interesting and powerful. The realizations are not rocket science, but practical – perfect for the average person like me. And with a quote like: “the whole may well be more than, or maybe just different from, the sum of its parts.”

How could I not like it?

A few more tidbits that I enjoyed:

Did you know that before 1898, imitation butter had to be pink? And labeled. Anything that wasn’t a whole food had to admit it!

Senator McGovern in 1976 was not elected. The author suggested that McGovern’s advocacy to use food in the food pyramid may have angered a few people in the cattle industry. Interesting, very interesting – interests groups.

The book takes us through the history of “nutritionism.” I never realized how effected I am personally to this thought process. Yes, it may not come much of a surprise reading my blog. During my treatment days, I was very focused on not eating certain foods, eating the right ones and taking supplements that may help. I was looking for the “magic bullet.” To be honest, for the most part I am conscious of what I eat, but I still eat. If I want something “bad” I eat it in a small portion. I know that if I don’t squash the craving it will be much worse the next day. So when I was reading it and thinking in relation to the Zone (which I haven’t followed for 9 months). I thought, wow, I am so stuck in nutritionism – more than I ever imagined myself.

Pollan focuses very much on the metabolic diseases, so it did peak my interests since I am hell bent against getting diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure or heart disease. I feel that PCOS has taken more than it deserves when it comes to my health and the fact that it is a precursor (in my case) to all the above named diseases – I am a little health bent on getting ahead of those diseases.

To say I liked this book seems to be a bit of an understatement. I actually went as far as to type in a few key AVOIDS that I thought I would try to put into practice. Just to see how well it works. Also, I am interested in getting fruits and vegetables directly from a farm. (You should read that section, I am shocked, basically our fruits have been so fertilized and are so rushed that they have technically less nutrients than they had 50 years ago. This is the kicker, organic is not much better because it doesn’t mean that the standards are any better!)

It was very informative, worth the read, and makes you think.

On that note, enjoy your long weekend

My Book Club Thoughts....

My late month book club chose, Baker Towers by Jennifer Haigh. A short synopsis:



Bakerton is a community of company houses and church festivals, of union squabbles and firemen's parades. Its neighborhoods include Little Italy, Swedetown, and Polish Hill. For its tight-knit citizens -- and the five children of the Novak family -- the 1940s will be a decade of excitement, tragedy, and stunning change. Baker Towers is a family saga and a love story, a hymn to a time and place long gone, to America's industrial past, and to the men and women we now call the Greatest Generation. It is a feat of imagination from an extraordinary voice in American fiction, a writer of enormous power and skill.

Did I ever tell you that I went to school in an old mining town? Sadly, fifty years after the last coal was removed from the area, and the town was still effected by the loss of that industry. However, this story had more to it than just the mining town. It focused on the Novak children. Like my Grandmother used to say of her own children, “No two were alike, just like her fingers.” (So you are bound to find one that you relate to or at least find interesting.)

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. To be honest, I almost missed how much I enjoyed this book (thank goodness for the book club!), because I enjoyed the next book so much!



Peony in Love by Lisa See has the privilege of being my first audio book. I actually shamefully picked it up because someone at early month book club recommended it, but it was also the cheapest one that I could find. Yes, I know – but I didn’t know if I would enjoy an audio book. It felt like a stretch.

After the first CD, I was hooked and remembered why I was a history major. I love stories, especially when they are shared orally!

A short synopsis:

“In Peony in Love the opera The Peony Pavilion by Tang Xianzu, The Three Wives' Commentary on The Peony Pavilion [1], and the theme of love all play important roles. Of the latter, See has said: "I wanted to explore different aspects of love: gratitude love, pity love, respectful love, romantic love, sexual love, sacrificing love, duty love, and finally mother love". [2] See also states that The Three Wives' Commentary had a special influence on her as she researched the large amount of writing done by Chinese women in the 17th century, most of it largely unknown today. "Then I came across The Three Wives' Commentary -- the first book of its kind to have been published anywhere in the world to have been written by women -- three wives, no less. With that, my interest turned into an obsession". [3] The three wives of Wu Ren in the novel -- Chen Tong (Peony), Tan Ze, and Qian Yi were, in fact, the real women who wrote The Three Wives' Commentary. [4]”

The story is beautiful. In the beginning you are introduced to Peony a teenage betrothed girl turning 16 in 16th century China. She is cloistered and the only child of a first wife. Peony is adored by her parents, and is granted privileges by her father that are not socially acceptable. For example, he allows for a play to be performed for Peony’s 16th birthday. A forbidden affair, since unrelated men will be present. From there Peony, well a lot happens and we see her life unfold. It truly is beautiful. I maybe one of the best stories that I’ve heard in many – many - many years.

What is next? Actually “In Defense of Food” by Michael Poulton. Very interesting so far. Also, a book on McCain and another on Obama. Yes, my book club decided they wanted to learn a bit more about the pair of Presidential candidates.

Should be interesting :).

My book club thoughts...

I guess I have been busy reading, just not posting about it. (By the way, my next post will also be about books.)

The Gathering by Anne Enright was read as the result of my early month book club. Our leader decided that it was time to read a book from the Irish genre. Ironically, I didn’t know that there was anything of the sort. But, I was up for anything and after hearing the synopsis we decided that we had to read it!

“A dazzling writer of international stature, Anne Enright is one of Ireland’s singular voices. Now she deliver The Gathering, a moving, evocative portrait of a large Irish family haunted by the past. The nine surviving children of the Hegarty clan are gathering in Dublin for the wake of their wayward brother, Liam, who drowned in the sea. His sister, Veronica, collects the body and keeps the dead man company, guarding the secret she shares with him --- something that happened in their grandmother’s house in the winter of 1968. As Enright traces the line of betrayal and redemption through three generations, she shows how memories warp and secrets fester. As in all Enright’s work, her distinctive intelligence twists the world a fraction, and gives it back to us in a new and unforgettable light.”

Well, everyone in the book club agreed, it was a complete and total bust. Not one of us enjoyed one iota of this non-cohesive, fragmented, confusing, sad novel. It was hard for me to find one good thing about it.

The one piece that I liked - the wake scene, I actually enjoyed reading that to a certain extent. It was my first introduction to an Irish wake and it was very interesting. How it was held at home, how the family never leaves the body, and how it is a social gathering.

Otherwise the main character and narrator Veronica completely did not appeal to me nor did the story have any rhyme or reason. It was totally and completely fragmented. And we believe may be the point of the story which is about sexual abuse. However, it failed to make a point. But, maybe that was the point? I'm still confused.

Enough of that, I also read, Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama. I picked this novel up months ago. I knew that it discussed Obama’s family history and that it was written after his studies at Harvard. To be honest, I wanted to read to know more of what made this man tick (for obvious reasons). The synopsis:



“In this lyrical, unsentimental, and compelling memoir, the son of a black African father and a white American mother searches for a workable meaning to his life as a black American. It begins in New York, where Barack Obama learns that his father --- a figure he knows more as a myth than as a man --- has been killed in a car accident. This sudden death inspires an emotional odyssey --- first to a small town in Kansas, from which he retraces the migration of his mother’s family to Hawaii, and then to Kenya, where he meets the African side of his family, confronts the bitter truth of his father’s life, and at last reconciles his divided inheritance.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was less of a memoir and more of a story. Obama had me enthralled. It truly is his journey to realizing who he is and the introduction to “Audacity for Hope” (which I have no intent to read). But, his journey to realizing himself is beautiful, circular, eventful, and worth the read.

I don’t want to say too much for fear of giving too much away. However, his struggle was palpable and I am glad that it is resolved for him.

Ironically, both of these authors were reviewing their past to come to a conclusion on their present. The first was so negative, that it simply lost me. But, the second was very matter of fact in the situations (and as a result the events were neither good nor bad). And as a result, the story unfolded beautifully, hopeful. If Obama doesn’t become President, I like to see him write some more.