Wish me a Bon Voyage! Wishing you all the best.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
WTF?
No seriously. Either God has a sense of humor or I have a F*CKED up body. And today, I really don't know the answer, maybe it is both!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Self Sacrifice
For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
Friday, May 18, 2007
One long rant.
I want to cry. As of today, cycle day 32, I still have not gotten my period. If I ovulated, I should have ovulated somewhere around day 10, that is a 22 day luteal phase. We abstained this cycle, terror of having a litter was enough for me. And I am desperate for my period. So much so, my T has offered “to buy me a period, you know the kind with adhesive on back, he could stop at C*S” and compared my period to “a big long run on sentence.” His attempts to make me laugh, instead he got a smile and “Maybe.”
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I hate PMS!
I would like to have a long guttural SCREAM. The kind associated with horror flicks, but not because I am being tortured, terrorized or harmed. But to get out my deep frustration with everything, the feeling that I am about to jump out of my skin, and to release the rage that my hormones are causing.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Meme
Ok M tagged me. (Please note that I didn't link her because I think she has been wanting more anonymity.) Here goes nothing. My "I am"
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Fantasies
Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
Friday, May 04, 2007
Take Action! **UPDATED**
From my cyber friend Kristin:
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Random Good Thoughts
I know, how random is this? But, I've been thinking how depressing my blog sounds and there are several reasons for this depressing tone.
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Trumped
The shower was fine. Kept myself busy and my mind was with more important things. More family drama going on. Craziness really. Basically, my mother and her siblings are fighting about what to do with my Grandfather. Unfortunately, no one has asked him. And they are all thinking about themselves. But, the commotion may be all for nothing. Considering he is dying. Sadly, he doesn't have much time left. His doctor gives him at most a few months. He can't even go to his doctor, considering that movement may end his life.
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
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