April Fool and Christmas Eve

Today I had my first IUI. Per the nurse, there is one good follie and sperm count was gorgeous. I will be going back in tomorrow for the second IUI.

And the only foolish thing that I will allow myself to do this cycle is the conception calendar. More out of pure curiousity. Result is December 23/24th. Christmas. Wouldn't that be a hoot? For on April Fool's Day I got inseminated with a possible Christmas baby! For some reason that is funny to me.

I feel releaved that the shot wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I do admit, I was petrified of it. And T had to do it. I just wasn't prepared for the utter fear I had to that needle. Maybe it wasn't that I hadn't had weeks of preparation - Maybe it was because it wasn't in my original protocol - Maybe it is that I have a fear of needles. But what ever it was, I had no idea that I would be that scared.

Also, unfortunately, T had to work today and he has a meeting tomorrow that he can't get out of. So that left me going in alone today with a repeat solo performance tomorrow. So I am thankful for the nurse today. She was heavenly sent. One of the warmest people I've met at the office. She sat in with me for a while, answered all of my questions, and helped make me relax. So all together, it wasn't a bad experience. But it did sting more than I thought it would - both physically and mentally.

Because, as I laid there, I realized that we infertiles are so invested in our maybe babies from the beginning. We know so much. We've all ready been into the doctor's office for four days for blood draws and empty womb shots, we know the exact number of follies and sperm count, all before the actual insemination. We know so much, except if we will actually get pregnant or if we will actually get that baby home. No wonder it hurts when the cycles don't work, when the pregnancies fail. By the time we get a negative, we are emotionally invested, never mind after we get a positive.

We know what we want, why we are there, and how rewarding or disappointing it will be. Yet, we still do it. And I realize that G-d must give infertiles some extra strength, some extra courage, some extra fortitude. Because this thing called infertility isn't for the weak hearted, it isn't for the easily discouraged, and it isn't for the unfaithful.

But, it also has taught me that you can be petrified, want your husband to be present, and still be strong. It has taught me to be broken, need your friends, and find your way out of despair. And it also has taught me that nothing can break me permanently. That I have the fortitude and people in my life to get me out of any dark whole.

Yet, I hope and pray that this is our cycle. So that this can be over. So that infertility can become only a part of me, instead of what feels like all of me.

I am grateful, that we have learned things this cycle, which renews my hope. That if this cycle doesn't work, we will have more knowledge for the next cycle. More of a clue to get over that chasm with a baby in our arms. To make it all worth it.

The ten minutes were over.