Crying and typing?

So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.

Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.

But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.

So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.

There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.

So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!

Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.

Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.

Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.

Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.

I wish I could say I wasn't

But I'm angry.

Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.

Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.

Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.

Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.

Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.

***

On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.

In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.

But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.

I had ...

I had a different post, but Bl*gger ate it.

I had hope.

I had a dream.

I had a want.

That will never be fullfilled.

What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.

Not Again!

Now, I'm nauseous. Just like in the first IUI. It is DPI9 and I feel like I could barf. Great.

Must breathe. This guessing game will end soon enough. Luteal phase for the first IUI - 17 days, second IUI - 13 days, and third IUI - 14 days. The fat lady will be here soon, give or take 4 to 8 days.

Don't get me wrong, I still have some hope. I do. I have symptoms! But, I've had symptoms before and nothing. So I am reserving all happiness/excitement for when I see that double line. Purchasing those all infamous sticks. So that they will be at home for Monday morning.

Also, am starting to think of what I need to do - if it is negative.

1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.

2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)

3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.

4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.

5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Oh what fun lays ahead!

Please, oh please, let this not all be for nothing.

Just so true = )

You Are a Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

You Are 16% Texas

Damn Yankee! You think the sun comes up just to hear you crow.

How Texas Are You?

You Are 86% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Are You a Feminist?

But I poo'd. ** AMENDED **

So, yes I am obsessing. It is 8DPI.

Yesterday, I was drop dead tired. I woke up today, drop dead tired. Now, before you say "But, that is a good sign!" I get like that before AF or Wicked Witch shows.

And today, I am not constipated. If anything my bowels are like pre AF. Boo.

But is only 8DPI.

Also, I'm not bloated nor have I gained an abnormal amount of weight this cycle (only 1 lb.).

The cramps have also subsided and are non-existent. Could be a good sign? But they usually kick in before my period - a day or two before. Not expecting the ol' hag until Sunday or Monday. If it does show, my luteal phase is screwed up royally!

Did I tell you that I've been breaking out, bad! Since the end of our last cycle. And now my break out seems to be healing? It could be the cleanser changes and new make-up. But it is clearing up, right when my acne gets worse.

So, the only sensations is being tired and acne clearing up.

Err...I want to sleep until Monday when I can pee on a stick. Which I need to buy! Craziness. Serious Craziness.

**I forgot more crazy dreams, this time involving a Gorilla. And extreme thirst at night. Kept on waking up for more water. Could explain dead tired?

Three Years

Today, is our three year infertility anniversary. And unlike last year's entry, I don't have any epiphany nor enlightened thought nor announcement.

I'm trying to avoid my mind racing with my latest sensations of extremely painful cramps - m u s t b r e a t h e t h r u t h e p a i n - type cramps. Cramps that I expect to see AF or my uterus when I do the TP Tango.

Also, last night I was nauseous after taking my vitamin, constipation set in yesterday, and more crazy dreams. I'm only 6DPI - yes I know implantation time frame. Brain has all ready thought of that possibility.

Trying to distract myself, so I visited Bl*glines.

The first test, obviously WAY too early for some of these questions to be true anyway. But I want to keep it - just in case.

You Are Probably Not Pregnant

It seems like you're in the clear, but you should really take a test to be sure.

Are You Pregnant?

This one....well I always thought I was 100% gemini! I guess not.

You are 73% Gemini

How Gemini Are You?

Just for fun ; ).

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

Funny I always thought it meant "Devine."

What Dianne Means

D is for Devilish I is for Ideal A is for Artistic N is for Normal N is for Nice E is for Exquisite

What Does Your Name Mean?

So what do you do to keep your mind off the A-W-F-U-L-L two week wait?

It is all in my head.

So, I've been having odd sensations.

Cramps, like pre-AF, but a lot less intense. Also, several cramps on my left side which actually take my breath away for a few seconds. Very similar to a stitch when you run. And these are new sensations to add to my previous ones of nausea (in the second part of the 2ww), constipation, and bloating. (Luckily, none of those have kicked in as of yet.)

What I questioned is if I felt cramps before? Only one other time, it was my most hopeful cycle in January, that ended with the worst period ever. Hmmm....food for thought.

On to other bits of my craziness, an odd dream:

I'm at the dentist office. He looks in my mouth and realizes that I've had three teeth pulled.

He says, "I thought you were going to replace these."

I say, "I thought they were replaced."

He says, "No not yet, let me replace them now. They will be similar, but not the same."

I wake up, confused. The only interpertation of teeth I can come up with is death. Frankly, there has been more than enough death lately with Bobby and my Grandfather. But, I am not sure of the third.

Also, (it could be my hopeful side) that "replacements" mean new family members. Looking further, if I analyze this more so. There have been three great-grandchildren born (the three I thought replaced). But, there are three to come.

If only it were that simple.

Maybe my sub-conscious is telling me that it was successful. Could this be a sign? Maybe my head is playing games? It is probably the latter.

Unfortunately, unless I am pregnant that will be my theory until proven wrong. G-d I really hope I'm wrong.

Any thoughts on what my crazy dream means?

Are you still there?

On Tuesday, the nurse called. "Are you OK proceeding with the IUI because you are at risk for High Order Multiples (HOM)?"

I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:

Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.

Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.

How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.

But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.

My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.

I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.

The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."

Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.

Take Two

Processing I guess is what I am trying to do.

Not sure why this IUI was more difficult emotionally for me. Oh yeah, this is our last IUI. Today, I realized what those words meant.

T came with me. I was grateful and yet a little worried.

This IUI has been more difficult for him as well. Although we aren't talking about it. Trying to protect each other from our own worries and concerns - fears and sadness. The only thing reconfirmed is that this is too hard for us. That it would be better to be childfree than to continue down this path. We are constants, a maybe baby just isn't. Heck, we have 26 cycles, 4 clomid, and 4 IUIs to prove that. Having a child is not a guarantee.

We go into the room. I drop throw. I'm still feeling fine. Nervous. The nurse comes in. Starts asking us the questions.

Nurse: This is your 3rd injectible IUI.
Me: Yes, it is our fourth IUI.
Nurse: Have you made an appointment with your doctor.
Me: No. This is it. We are done.
Nurse: Oh. Have you thought of IVF?
Me: Yes, we are done.
Nurse: Well there is more than one way to have a child.
Me: Yes we know.
Nurse: Have you thought of adoption?
Me: We are thinking about it. (A total lie. We've decided that it isn't what we want.)
Nurse: The doctor still would want you to come in for an appointment.
Me: Why, an exit interview? (She wouldn't like what I have to say. She wouldn't want to hear my critiques. It would not be glowing. And it isn't because we didn't have a positive out come.)
Nurse: Is it just too stressful for you?
Me: Yes. (Too stressful for us.)
Nurse: Have you thought of counseling?
Me: I've been seeing a counselor since November.
Nurse: Good. I think everyone should see a counselor. She turns to T, I know a lot of guys don't feel comfortable.
Me: He hasn't gone with me. (But the counselor has asked him to come, I'm just too afraid.)
T: I have a great relationship with my counselor. (I smile.)
Nurse: That's great.
T: I've had one since the Gulf.
Nurse: I thought you were joking with me. My husband's counselor is called a board meeting.
**We all laugh.**
Nurse: OK, well. You know your options lets get this show in the road.
**IUI is performed.**
Nurse: Ok little guys, you need to get this job done. Lets go.
**IUI is done.**
Nurse: Call us if you don't get your period for a pregnancy test. Call us regardless, we like to know how things work out.
Me: Silent. Praying she would stop talking, feeling tears in my eyes. Why would I call to tell you I have my period? That was always the worst call. And no I will not be having a meeting with Doctor Callous.
Nurse: Ok, you know the drill. S*x tonight, no ibuprofen, limit your coffee. Good luck, I really hope it works.
Me: Still silent. I look at T.
T: Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine. (A lie. Processing.) We've done everything we could? Right?
T: It isn't over yet.
Me: I know. (But why do I feel like it is?)
T: Besides cruises every year sounds great to me.
Me: (I smile - our consolation prize.) I want a sports car.
T: You can have whatever you want.
Me. (Not everything.)

We get up, and each go to work. I decide to give myself a treat at Starb*cks. Ahh, the wrong time, all the Mommies and Daddies are there.

Start to cry in the car.

The song on the radio after our last IUI. Ironically, the song on the radio during our first monitoring for our last cycle.

How Far We've Come lyrics by Matchb*x Twenty.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if its gone,
the cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
I started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time

[chorus]
but I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, its all, coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there was no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going you know the world is heading for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

[chorus]
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

September 12th IUI - Take One

Today was our first of two IUIs. And I'm feeling hopeful. But the question is should I be?

The nurse today searched for a different catheter. She is the head nurse. Very dry, although I have a feeling there is more to her story. Like she was a former Stirrup Queen.

But, back to the catheter, I don't know if this is what the other nurses used or such. However I do know that I never felt it that viscerally before. When she put the catheter in, I nearly jumped off the table it hurt so badly. It was similar to the pain I felt for the HSG.

Oddly, it is also my first time that I am actually spotting.

Not sure if that is a good sign. The nurse insisted that it was a good sign; that I felt that muscle cramp. It tells her that she made into my uterus.

All I got to say is, I hope so. I truly hope so.

So my question is, did any of you get that sharp pain and did you get that all allusive BFP?

Please note that I know that it is too early for fertilization or implantation. I'm trying to gauge if her theory is right. That pain, is a good sign. I know that I'm being a little pathetic hoping for "a sign" so early. But, crap this is our last chance people. I need all the support (aka signs) to get me thru this two week wait!

Interupting our tribute.

FOUR - WONDERFUL - 16MM - FOLLICLES

IUIs are tomorrow and Thursday. Please pray for us that all of this goes smoothly, that the numbers are great, and that one of those eggs gets fertilized - but not all four.

Thank you.

Also, please do forgive me for posting about this on such a sullen day. But, I need the prayers.

September 11th

Six years. It has been six years since that day of terror happened.

I still remember when my boss walked into our office and said, "A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. We are closing the office, and get home to your families."

My friends and I just looked eachother. We didn't completely understand what he was talking about. After all, we had just gotten in. We were in the middle of returning client emails and calls. We had work to do. But he insisted.

Fifteen minutes later, T called and said, "Get out of town. Don't take the T (Subway in Boston). Avoid going under ground."

I reply, "Are we in danger?"

He said, "Get out. I love you. I'll talk to you as soon as I can."

I could hear the terror in his voice. He had served in the Gulf War. He serves and protects as a member of the thin blue line. He doesn't get scared and he had terror in his voice.

I immediately called my friends whom I had just left. I was heading for the commuter rail, with very few tunnels. They were going underground.

I continue towards South Station. And the only way I can describe the financial district in the middle of Boston - chaos. People were running out of the tall buildings, and all of us going torwards trains. Getting the heck out was our only thought.

Once on the train, I started calling my family. Then I remembered my roommates from college. Three out of the six of us worked in New York. In my limited knowledge, I had no idea where they were in relation to the Towers.

By the time I got a hold of my friend J, my heart was in my throat.

Luckily none of my roommates worked in that area. The only one that did, was on a business trip. My friend J's then boyfriend worked in the Towers, but his sister was in the hospital and he was by his side.

But my friend Erin's boyfriend wasn't so lucky. He called to tell her he loved her, and it was the last they heard of him. He passed away that day.

Like so many I was glued to the TV. The images are still very real in my mind's eye.

Sadness. Loss. Fear. Terror.

The days that came after, I heard of more friends who were not so lucky. One friend from college lost her brother, and another her cousin.

Equally the stories of relief - of people who were suppose to be there but weren't. Like my sister's fiance's brother. He cancelled his business trip and meeting because of his daughter's birth. Her life, probably saved his.

That day and the days that followed are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget.

To the men and women who lost of their lives, I will never forget. To the men and women who died serving our citizens, I will never forget. To the men and women who found bravery and courage that they never new they had, I will never forget.

May G-d continue to grant your families comfort, peace, and grace to deal with your loss. And may we never forget.

Five, Five just like you.

A threat once upon a time. Now, it is how many follicles I have. With hopes, that one or two or three - hopefully not five - become just like me or T or both of us!

Yes, I went in today for my ultrasound and bloodwork. And in my opinion it is good news. Five follicles and E2 is at 622. The E2 is a little high, but that is why they are bringing my G*nalf down, dramatically in my opinion, from 112 to 37.5. But, I'm not the doctor. Back in tomorrow morning for more monitoring.

On other news, the bachelorette was Saturday. We had a great time. Unfortunatelly I'm in trouble again. Originally we were going here, but since they were unable to give me ANY reservations and would only do requests. I cancelled literally last minute (Thursday) and completely planned something new in Boston.

I didn't call the people who RSVP'd no to the first gathering. Figured if they said no before, they weren't going to be able to make it now. Not like their schedules would have changed. The sister-in-law from hell (known as SH from now on) found out. And now the groom-to-be is mad at me. Because SH gave him crap.

Funniest part, my sister told me that SH is afraid of me. Well, if she played nice, I'd play nice. And no, I do not plan to take any of her crap - because I have enough things that I have to take. Since she isn't my sister-in-law, I don't have to take her. I can just leave her.

No worries, I play nice. I know how to be civil. I have no need to be her friend.

The wedding is in 26 days! Wow, just realized. My kid sister will be a married woman in 26 days. WOW!

Roller-a-coasters

Back in the day, I would think of a roller-a-coaster and the only feelings and thoughts were positive - joy, fun, and entertaining. Now, when I think of roller-a-coasters all that comes into my mind is an emotional struggle that is infertility.

Especially since it is the only way I can explain my emotions on any given day. They are up, they are down, and (at a few lucky moments) they are stable.

On Tuesday, I went to see my therapist. It was day 2 of our last IUI cycle. And I felt nostalgic. Wondering if I was absolutely ready to quit without the ultimate prize. I was sad at the thought of not winning. Ultimately, I left wondering how I was going to talk to T about possibly trying an IVF cycle.

But as all roller-a-coasters do, I started to climb to the first massive drop. Ironically, back in the day, that was my favorite part, the drop. That part when your stomach reached your throat. But now I know that with infertility, at least so far, there is no going upwards after the drop. All there has been is a drop. (No pregnancy, and no baby to allow for a moment of success.)

As I sat yesterday on the ledge of the first drop, I realized Day 3 and the subsequent days are the reason I want to get off this crazy roller-a-coaster.

It is stressful, tearful, anxiety ridden, all consuming and definitely NOT fun.

Day 3 is the beginning of the nightmare of a cycle. It is the day I usually have some comfrontation with someone at the clinic.

This time it was over whether or not I can do my monitoring on day 8 instead of day 7. The first nurse said yes, the second nurse who called ignored the request, and the last nurse I spoke to allowed it. Then they denied my request for progesterone.

It is holding my breathe that the cycle will fit in with T's crazy ass schedule. And maneuvering mine completely and totally around. It is making sure that I am available at a moments notice for my IUIs. Because G-d knows when those will be.

It is ordering my drugs. Hoping that the stuff I have in the refrigerator is still good.

It is stress from every angel. I hate day threes. Hate them. They are why I want to stop cycling all together. They are the beginning of all my anxiety. The beginning of stress and anxiety that only grows expodentially after insemination.

It is the beginning of getting up an hour and half earlier, ultra sounds, self-injections, daily blood draws, schedule conflicts, stress that my body won't respond, that my body will respond too well, that something freakish will go wrong.

It is never fun. It is never carefree.

It is the beginning of feeling resentful torwards my Mother for not being the mother I need. Because when I cycle, I can't tell her. Afterall, all I hear is "Why are you doing that? Just quit." Instead I realize I get short with her for no reason. My anger is boiling because she won't provide me support. But she insists that I call her everyday so that she can talk at me. Because she is lonely.

It is the beginning of me creating a shell around myself. To get thru everything else that is going around me. To shield T. To avoid overwhelming my friends.

It is the beginning of all the things I dislike in my life right now. It is a reminder that my body doesn't work like other women's. It is being anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, and fatigued.

I wonder if roller-a-coasters will ever be fun again.

It was the best time EVER!

On Monday, I met up with a few ladies. And we had a great time! Some might say, “It was the best time EVER!”

These ladies came into my life several years ago thru a mutual friend. Thru this friend a group was started. The rouse was that we would learn how to crochet. But, it was more of a get together; to touch base, to gain and give support to each other. And I really enjoyed that time. Once it was gone, I missed it.

Monday I got it back. This time we talked, walked, and shopped. I found these fantastic boots, and I am hoping to buy them soon.

But more importantly, I reconnected with two amazing ladies, and I hope to be allowed to continue to follow their life journeys, that this was only the beginning.

Here is a photo of us. I know the first ever photo of Dianne! I’m the one with the short hair on the left.



Oh yeah, Monday was also CD 1. Are you ready for the ride? I all ready had a bumpy start today and will talk more about that tomorrow. Need to breathe right now, good thing I have yoga tonight.