You Are an Orange Martini |
 Everyone's favorite drunk, you're fun, flirty, and charming. Unfortunately, you often spark jealousy - and unintentionally start bar fights. You should never: Drink and dial. You'll just end up with multiple booty calls at your door! Your ideal party: Is huge and lively. You love to work a crowd. Your drinking soulmates: those with a Blueberry Martini personality Your drinking rivals: those with a Dirty Martini personality |
Thursday, June 28, 2007
In Preparation :).
The True You |
 You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you. With respect to money, you spend as little as possible. You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing. The hidden side of your personality tends to be easily attracted to fads and fashions. You are showy and want to be noticed. You are the type of person who assumes that the world revolves around yourself. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you make opportunities to interact with many people through club activities or a hobby, then select someone you like. |
1976
In 1976 (the year you were born) |
 Gerald Ford is president of the US The US celebrates its bicentennial, marking the 200th anniversary of its independence The Viking II sets down on Mars' Utopia Plains Promising, "I will never lie to you," Jimmy Carter is elected president of the United States Israeli commandos rescue hostages from Entebbe, Uganda The Concorde begins flights from New York to Europe George W. Bush is arrested and fined for driving under the influence of alcohol Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, is invented by Seymour Cray Freddie Prinze Jr., Reese Witherspoon, Colin Farrell, 50 Cent, Fred Savage, and Shannon Elizabeth are born Cincinnati Reds win the World Series Pittsburgh Steelers win Superbowl X Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Rocky is the top grossing film Filming begins on George Lucas' Star Wars The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins is published The Eagles Their Greatest Hits compilation becomes the first album in history to be certified platinum "Tonight's The Night" by Rod Stewart spends the most time at the top of the US chart Charlie's Angels and The Muppet Show premiere |
It was going so well.
Last night, the baby dreams came back. Crap. This two week wait was going so well. It was a BFP dream. Actually woke myself up annoyed. I hate those.
Retaliated by prepping myself for the more ammicable dreams which I have been having for the last 10 days of stainless appliances, hardwood floors, closet organizers, central air, a second bathroom, a dog, etc.
One more week before I can get tested. (I know it will be 16 DPI, but my test day should be on the 4th, and my clinic is closed.) Doesn't matter, I am sure I will get AF before then. She usually comes earlier for medicated cycles by a few days. Lets hope she is heavier than a paper cut so that I know it is her.
All right, must focus on some work.
Retaliated by prepping myself for the more ammicable dreams which I have been having for the last 10 days of stainless appliances, hardwood floors, closet organizers, central air, a second bathroom, a dog, etc.
One more week before I can get tested. (I know it will be 16 DPI, but my test day should be on the 4th, and my clinic is closed.) Doesn't matter, I am sure I will get AF before then. She usually comes earlier for medicated cycles by a few days. Lets hope she is heavier than a paper cut so that I know it is her.
All right, must focus on some work.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
St. Joseph
Obviously, it has slowed down at work. Thought I'd share my research on St. Joseph with you. When I did my search I found informative sites and funny sites. I even found a site that provides a virtual St. Joseph service.
The tradition is broad. As you can tell. Even where you put the statue is broad. Some suggestions are:
Bury the status upside down next to the "for sale" sign.
Bury it next to your door step facing away from your home.
Bury it next to the street facing towards the home.
Bury it 8 inches deep versus 3 feet deep.
Putting one on a shelf in your condo.
(I've opted to put it on a shelf, considering burying him upside down and praying you act or else, seemed a little irreverent. Not kidding, there is an actual prayer that says that!)
The one that I like (and use) is:
Oh, Saint Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong,
so prompt before the throne of God, I place in you all my
interest and desires.
Oh, Saint Joseph, do assist me by your powerful
intercession, and obtain for me from your divine Son all
spiritual blessings, through Jesus Christ, our Lord, so
that, having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may
offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of
Fathers.
Oh Saint Joseph, I never weary contemplating you, and Jesus
asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while he reposes
near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss his fine head
for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying
breath.
Saint Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for me. Amen.
But as my instruction manual stated (yes, I know I am over the edge), "You can also increase your chance of selling your home by making sure it is in good condition and by asking a realistic price." I guess the faithful need a reminder of being realistic :).
The Condo and my new 2WW.
You may be asking why I have been so non-chalant about this cycle? Ok, I am asking. Like I said before, I have no hope that it will work. The cards we were dealt this cycle were just lacking. And I am fine with it.
I think it is a continuation of my "F*ck it" attitude from the cruise and that I am just too busy to think about being in a two week wait. Granted my attitude is really more like, to hell with it. Since on the cruise, I really said F*CK IT and didn't even acknowledge being on a two week wait. I really enjoyed that cruise, it felt like freedom which I guess maybe what life after getting off this roller-a-coaster will feel like.
Back to the condo. Selling the condo is keeping me busy, or at least preoccupied. Since, we put the Condo in the market two days before the IUIs, I have something else to focus on. See, I have things in my control to do - so that perspective buyer can take interest. So, my anal cleaning is paying off at least in that way.
Some of you asked to see pictures, here are a few. I took these when we made the attempt to sell our place on our own, as you can tell these are not of the best quality. Since our digital camera broke about 9 months ago. (Also, explains why I haven't posted about the cruise more, which I do plan, I just want T to do the photos. Since it isn't our camera, I would rather not be responsible for it.) So these aren't the photos which are being used; those are much nicer and with the real estate agent.
So here goes:
The living/dining room.
The kitchen; new stove, dishwasher, and tile floor. (I really like that floor, stormy sky, that is what it reminds me of.)
The bathroom was just redone in 2006 and the only thing original is the tub. (Even the plumbing is new.)
The bedroom is much larger than it appears. Our bed is a king size, it is as big as a buick, and as a result takes up loads of room!
We have another bedroom/office, but I couldn't find a photo. It is also a large room with a fantastic closet.
So far, we get have only gotten positive remarks. Clean, spacious, lots of closet space. We have had five perspective buyers come see it. And a few were concerned that we had been broken into. (See, the screens are bent which is completely my fault. Cleaning the windows, I bent the screens...can we say neurotic? So we need to replace those, not so bad.) No other comments.
It is now the wait and see. Maybe this is my new two week wait. How ironic? That my two week wait has been replaced by another, and somehow I am fine with it.
And another interesting tid bit, like my first TTC 2WW, I have my prayer. Now it is to St. Joseph. I even went out and bought the statue. It is sitting on self right now. Yes, it has become my new 2ww obsession. It would be great if only last 12 to 20 days. In this market, that would be GREAT! Here is hoping :).
I think it is a continuation of my "F*ck it" attitude from the cruise and that I am just too busy to think about being in a two week wait. Granted my attitude is really more like, to hell with it. Since on the cruise, I really said F*CK IT and didn't even acknowledge being on a two week wait. I really enjoyed that cruise, it felt like freedom which I guess maybe what life after getting off this roller-a-coaster will feel like.
Back to the condo. Selling the condo is keeping me busy, or at least preoccupied. Since, we put the Condo in the market two days before the IUIs, I have something else to focus on. See, I have things in my control to do - so that perspective buyer can take interest. So, my anal cleaning is paying off at least in that way.
Some of you asked to see pictures, here are a few. I took these when we made the attempt to sell our place on our own, as you can tell these are not of the best quality. Since our digital camera broke about 9 months ago. (Also, explains why I haven't posted about the cruise more, which I do plan, I just want T to do the photos. Since it isn't our camera, I would rather not be responsible for it.) So these aren't the photos which are being used; those are much nicer and with the real estate agent.
So here goes:
The living/dining room.
The kitchen; new stove, dishwasher, and tile floor. (I really like that floor, stormy sky, that is what it reminds me of.)
The bathroom was just redone in 2006 and the only thing original is the tub. (Even the plumbing is new.)
The bedroom is much larger than it appears. Our bed is a king size, it is as big as a buick, and as a result takes up loads of room!
We have another bedroom/office, but I couldn't find a photo. It is also a large room with a fantastic closet.
So far, we get have only gotten positive remarks. Clean, spacious, lots of closet space. We have had five perspective buyers come see it. And a few were concerned that we had been broken into. (See, the screens are bent which is completely my fault. Cleaning the windows, I bent the screens...can we say neurotic? So we need to replace those, not so bad.) No other comments.
It is now the wait and see. Maybe this is my new two week wait. How ironic? That my two week wait has been replaced by another, and somehow I am fine with it.
And another interesting tid bit, like my first TTC 2WW, I have my prayer. Now it is to St. Joseph. I even went out and bought the statue. It is sitting on self right now. Yes, it has become my new 2ww obsession. It would be great if only last 12 to 20 days. In this market, that would be GREAT! Here is hoping :).
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Funny, I have a top ten list, but it isn't on it. Maybe I need to reconsider.
You Belong in Paris |
 You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe. |
Try, Try, Try again and I finally got all of them right. :)
You Passed 8th Grade US History |
 Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct! |
My Personality
Your Personality Is |
You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them! |
What Kind of Girl Am I?
You are a Brainy Girl!
Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Great, the Grand and the Ugly
If you are like me, and subjected to many a western, you'll understand that I had in my head "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" title in my head. But truth be told, two of the items are both really good, and only one topic is really UGLY!
The Great idea from Mel, the Commentathon. It has been so much fun and I love it. So much fun receiving comments from people whom I had not come across before. And I am also having a great time meeting others thru their blogs. Thank you Mel for creating this gathering of support!
The Grand, The Brain Tumor Society's Ride for Research . As many of you know, this occured May 20th. THANK YOU to all who donated. I cannot express to you how much it meant. The entire race raised so far $1,800,990. (By the way donations are still being accepted until September if you feel so inclined.) And our team, in honor of Bobby raised $16,248.00. Yes, we did exceed our goal and THANK YOU!
The Ugly. Yes, the post below instigated some more ugly acts. If it wasn't enough what had been said and done, she sunk to a new low in my opinion. After I waited six months to vent anything about the situation. After I was certain that I had chronicled the incidents without judgement. But to express my feelings. To put them into my pensieve. I got slapped in the face again by my former so called friend.
The events of the last few days have left me feeling in shock. She could not have been my friend, if she was she would find some respect remaining for what was our friendship. Instead, she preaches about wanting to be an adult and not to have been at fault. She insincerely apologizes, and then takes it back by posting on her blog. Then she tries to intimidate me by posting my post to her blog. She has pained me in a way that I did not think possible. It is a betrayal, yet again.
Sill, I have to much respect for what was and I will not be linking her blog to mine. But, the door is FOREVER sealed. Forgiveness will occur, but I can never forget.
The Great idea from Mel, the Commentathon. It has been so much fun and I love it. So much fun receiving comments from people whom I had not come across before. And I am also having a great time meeting others thru their blogs. Thank you Mel for creating this gathering of support!
The Grand, The Brain Tumor Society's Ride for Research . As many of you know, this occured May 20th. THANK YOU to all who donated. I cannot express to you how much it meant. The entire race raised so far $1,800,990. (By the way donations are still being accepted until September if you feel so inclined.) And our team, in honor of Bobby raised $16,248.00. Yes, we did exceed our goal and THANK YOU!
The Ugly. Yes, the post below instigated some more ugly acts. If it wasn't enough what had been said and done, she sunk to a new low in my opinion. After I waited six months to vent anything about the situation. After I was certain that I had chronicled the incidents without judgement. But to express my feelings. To put them into my pensieve. I got slapped in the face again by my former so called friend.
The events of the last few days have left me feeling in shock. She could not have been my friend, if she was she would find some respect remaining for what was our friendship. Instead, she preaches about wanting to be an adult and not to have been at fault. She insincerely apologizes, and then takes it back by posting on her blog. Then she tries to intimidate me by posting my post to her blog. She has pained me in a way that I did not think possible. It is a betrayal, yet again.
Sill, I have to much respect for what was and I will not be linking her blog to mine. But, the door is FOREVER sealed. Forgiveness will occur, but I can never forget.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Unraveling of a friendship that never was.
I’ve been battling whether or not I should post this. Battling, because the majority of the time I believe it best to let sleeping dogs lie. But this continuously comes back to my view and strikes me as something that I must document – as a reminder to myself that I did the right thing.
About six months ago, I broke up with a friend. And it was a big deal. I had gone back and forth if I should break up for over a year. She and I had been best of friends for 10 years. For the last two years of our friendship, and with the introduction of my infertility, we couldn’t find a balance. She did not understand and got sick of listening to me. It only caused problems, because this topic consumes me at a time. And more often than not, she would “poke the monkey” and antagonize me – not in a playful way, but in a mean spirited manner.
This friendship truly turned into the furthest thing possible. What broke the camel’s back was an email trail that she ultimately stated that all she had for me was pity. It triggered my empathy post. And instead of her addressing my feelings, instead of her understanding my point of view, she retaliated with this comment:
This post saddens me immensely. I wish you could be so eloquent when communicating with your actual friends and not just in your blog.
I wish you knew how I have been trying for over a year to understand your point of view as an "infertile" as you call yourself(s). As a "fertile" (or so you like to call me) I am hurt by this post and frankly I am exhausted from trying my very best to avoid certain topics or words when talking to you. And since I have come to the realization that I have nothing but pity for you...not pity for your "condition", but pity for how you are now reacting to the world around you.
I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.
I have read this post many times and I wish you could realize that although it seems some other "infertiles" agree with you - 2 Wrongs don't necessarily make a Right.
This comment made me realize that I had to cut my ties, I had to sever a relationship. And I had never done anything like that before. Sure, I had lost touch with people, but never had to say to someone “I can’t be friends with you.” Essentially, this was where I found myself. At this exact point of our lives, we could not be friends and it wasn’t to say we couldn’t be friends later. Because I was going thru something that was so immense and she had no ability to understand why this effected me so. After several hours, I wrote her this:
It really saddens me that we have gotten to this point.
You stated, “I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.”
This statement says it all. You don’t think that it has been equally as hard to talk to you, to be friends with you?
Yes, Amy I recognize that you have tried. And I give you credit for trying. But, I am exhausted in how much I have tried as well and the fact that you don’t recognize it is bothersome.
Every time you made a comment or made a statement that was hurtful, I explained it to you. I told you what was going on, because I could put myself in your shoes and knew that you didn’t understand where I was coming from. But, at that point you also welcomed my comments or statements. As long as you could try to understand, I tried.
The “pity” comment. You didn’t even see how that could be hurtful, you ignored my feelings. You didn’t try at all to understand, you gave up. So I took your cue. You obviously did not want to be bothered to try any more. You didn’t mention it to me, you didn’t acknowledge it until today. Then how did you choose to reply, by a comment in my blog.
(Well, if you remember correctly, you told me a while ago that your blog was for you and only you. Any comments I wanted to make in defense should not be inserted in your blog. I only ask that you do the same for me. I blogged about it because I wanted all pity to stop not just yours. I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s.)
It is clear that we have both been trying to make a friendship work that is failing.
It deeply saddens me to come to the realization that we can’t be friends at this point in our lives. You cannot see my point of view or want to and in my opinion that is the basic point of being a friend.
Maybe in a year or two, we can be friends again when our circumstances change. But, now, it is just too hard. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard.
Good luck with everything, I truly hope you get everything you want out of life.
She responded to me:
You are completely right.
We can't be friends right now.
I don't know how to be friends with you anymore.
Every time I try to talk to you, I upset you.
I have kept a lot of things to myself over the last year and I won't bother to bring them all up now, but please know that although you may think you tried....you did not try as hard as I did to be understanding of your every changing moods and I often felt poorly treated and underappreciated by you and I opted to bit my tongue to save the friendship.
Dianne, I was mostly trying to maintain the friendship because I feel like someday you will have found peace, but until then...I don't know how to be any nicer to you and I am constantly upset that you are always angry at things I say. I was hoping that by you being friends with me, you would be able to learn how other people may view things you say or things you do, but you don't care. Please be careful with yourself and your other friends. I hope you don't find that you push too many more people away like this. It would be very sad for you to lose more friends over this.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can find peace in what your life
brings you.
Her reply solidified to me that we could not be friends. I always knew she had it in her - I'd been friends with her long enough to know she had a snarky side. I just didn't think she would react to me in that way. Crap I was only saying that we weren't good for each other for RIGHT now. And she completely shut the door on me forever.
Ironically, every time that I question my actions, I find something that validates me. A few months ago, you may remember this post on how lonely I feel at times. I just found out she responded to it on her own blog by saying:
Being single together and going dancing. I was in her wedding and we thought of each other as family...sisters. 12 years will do that. Then our lives changed. Her life became focused on becoming a mother. Not, BEING a mother, because she has not found herself "blessed" that way, yet. One of my very best friends (EB) is the mother of 2 children and I have not found it difficult to stay friends with her, at all. I love her 2 kids as if they were my own niece and nephew. Having a mom as a friend, is not the issue. Having someone who WANTS to be a mom...IS apparently an issue. That friend (D) has focused her entire life and everything and everyone around her on her wanting to have a child. It has enveloped her. And maybe it has changed her. She prefers to avoid going in certain public places...for fear of seeing babies or pregnant women...those upset her to see. It became increasingly tough to talk to her and to see her point of view on her new life perspective. D posted about being lonely and I ache to reach out to her. Part of me wants to tell her she deserves her loneliness, for pushing me away and out of her life. Eventually, our relationship became somewhat hateful and manipulating. She would take things out on me and use me to vent her frustration and anger. And I would "Poke the Monkey". I would provoke her or ask a leading question, hoping that it would make her think and recall old feelings in herself that would make her think twice about what she would respond or how she would treat me. Sometimes I just needed to get my feelings heard and though, I tried to hold back (a lot) things would eventually come out and I had a secret hope that she would sometimes revert to her old self and see things from her old perspective. It never happened. She would just end up mad at me and I was constantly apologizing to her.
I will not be linking it, since my whole point is to chronicle the events and not berate her. This entry solidifies that she didn’t understand. She will never understand. And my judgment was correct. We cannot be friends, and we can never be friends.
You may be asking why post this, well because I know I am not alone in having "friends" who don't get it. And sometimes it is OK to quit a friend; especially when they are more of a fiend. Infertility has been a blessing at times, because it has helped me realize who my true friends are and also to unravel the truth of other situations.
A, if you are reading this, I will never read your blog again and I would greatly appreciate it if you provide me the same courtesy.
About six months ago, I broke up with a friend. And it was a big deal. I had gone back and forth if I should break up for over a year. She and I had been best of friends for 10 years. For the last two years of our friendship, and with the introduction of my infertility, we couldn’t find a balance. She did not understand and got sick of listening to me. It only caused problems, because this topic consumes me at a time. And more often than not, she would “poke the monkey” and antagonize me – not in a playful way, but in a mean spirited manner.
This friendship truly turned into the furthest thing possible. What broke the camel’s back was an email trail that she ultimately stated that all she had for me was pity. It triggered my empathy post. And instead of her addressing my feelings, instead of her understanding my point of view, she retaliated with this comment:
This post saddens me immensely. I wish you could be so eloquent when communicating with your actual friends and not just in your blog.
I wish you knew how I have been trying for over a year to understand your point of view as an "infertile" as you call yourself(s). As a "fertile" (or so you like to call me) I am hurt by this post and frankly I am exhausted from trying my very best to avoid certain topics or words when talking to you. And since I have come to the realization that I have nothing but pity for you...not pity for your "condition", but pity for how you are now reacting to the world around you.
I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.
I have read this post many times and I wish you could realize that although it seems some other "infertiles" agree with you - 2 Wrongs don't necessarily make a Right.
This comment made me realize that I had to cut my ties, I had to sever a relationship. And I had never done anything like that before. Sure, I had lost touch with people, but never had to say to someone “I can’t be friends with you.” Essentially, this was where I found myself. At this exact point of our lives, we could not be friends and it wasn’t to say we couldn’t be friends later. Because I was going thru something that was so immense and she had no ability to understand why this effected me so. After several hours, I wrote her this:
It really saddens me that we have gotten to this point.
You stated, “I don't know why you expect me to be able to put myself in your shoes, when you can't seem to put yourself in mine. You don't seem to want to even try to see my constant struggle to communicate with you and to gain the necessary understanding of your life now in order for us to remain friends.”
This statement says it all. You don’t think that it has been equally as hard to talk to you, to be friends with you?
Yes, Amy I recognize that you have tried. And I give you credit for trying. But, I am exhausted in how much I have tried as well and the fact that you don’t recognize it is bothersome.
Every time you made a comment or made a statement that was hurtful, I explained it to you. I told you what was going on, because I could put myself in your shoes and knew that you didn’t understand where I was coming from. But, at that point you also welcomed my comments or statements. As long as you could try to understand, I tried.
The “pity” comment. You didn’t even see how that could be hurtful, you ignored my feelings. You didn’t try at all to understand, you gave up. So I took your cue. You obviously did not want to be bothered to try any more. You didn’t mention it to me, you didn’t acknowledge it until today. Then how did you choose to reply, by a comment in my blog.
(Well, if you remember correctly, you told me a while ago that your blog was for you and only you. Any comments I wanted to make in defense should not be inserted in your blog. I only ask that you do the same for me. I blogged about it because I wanted all pity to stop not just yours. I don’t need your pity or anyone else’s.)
It is clear that we have both been trying to make a friendship work that is failing.
It deeply saddens me to come to the realization that we can’t be friends at this point in our lives. You cannot see my point of view or want to and in my opinion that is the basic point of being a friend.
Maybe in a year or two, we can be friends again when our circumstances change. But, now, it is just too hard. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard.
Good luck with everything, I truly hope you get everything you want out of life.
She responded to me:
You are completely right.
We can't be friends right now.
I don't know how to be friends with you anymore.
Every time I try to talk to you, I upset you.
I have kept a lot of things to myself over the last year and I won't bother to bring them all up now, but please know that although you may think you tried....you did not try as hard as I did to be understanding of your every changing moods and I often felt poorly treated and underappreciated by you and I opted to bit my tongue to save the friendship.
Dianne, I was mostly trying to maintain the friendship because I feel like someday you will have found peace, but until then...I don't know how to be any nicer to you and I am constantly upset that you are always angry at things I say. I was hoping that by you being friends with me, you would be able to learn how other people may view things you say or things you do, but you don't care. Please be careful with yourself and your other friends. I hope you don't find that you push too many more people away like this. It would be very sad for you to lose more friends over this.
Good luck to you and I hope that you can find peace in what your life
brings you.
Her reply solidified to me that we could not be friends. I always knew she had it in her - I'd been friends with her long enough to know she had a snarky side. I just didn't think she would react to me in that way. Crap I was only saying that we weren't good for each other for RIGHT now. And she completely shut the door on me forever.
Ironically, every time that I question my actions, I find something that validates me. A few months ago, you may remember this post on how lonely I feel at times. I just found out she responded to it on her own blog by saying:
Being single together and going dancing. I was in her wedding and we thought of each other as family...sisters. 12 years will do that. Then our lives changed. Her life became focused on becoming a mother. Not, BEING a mother, because she has not found herself "blessed" that way, yet. One of my very best friends (EB) is the mother of 2 children and I have not found it difficult to stay friends with her, at all. I love her 2 kids as if they were my own niece and nephew. Having a mom as a friend, is not the issue. Having someone who WANTS to be a mom...IS apparently an issue. That friend (D) has focused her entire life and everything and everyone around her on her wanting to have a child. It has enveloped her. And maybe it has changed her. She prefers to avoid going in certain public places...for fear of seeing babies or pregnant women...those upset her to see. It became increasingly tough to talk to her and to see her point of view on her new life perspective. D posted about being lonely and I ache to reach out to her. Part of me wants to tell her she deserves her loneliness, for pushing me away and out of her life. Eventually, our relationship became somewhat hateful and manipulating. She would take things out on me and use me to vent her frustration and anger. And I would "Poke the Monkey". I would provoke her or ask a leading question, hoping that it would make her think and recall old feelings in herself that would make her think twice about what she would respond or how she would treat me. Sometimes I just needed to get my feelings heard and though, I tried to hold back (a lot) things would eventually come out and I had a secret hope that she would sometimes revert to her old self and see things from her old perspective. It never happened. She would just end up mad at me and I was constantly apologizing to her.
I will not be linking it, since my whole point is to chronicle the events and not berate her. This entry solidifies that she didn’t understand. She will never understand. And my judgment was correct. We cannot be friends, and we can never be friends.
You may be asking why post this, well because I know I am not alone in having "friends" who don't get it. And sometimes it is OK to quit a friend; especially when they are more of a fiend. Infertility has been a blessing at times, because it has helped me realize who my true friends are and also to unravel the truth of other situations.
A, if you are reading this, I will never read your blog again and I would greatly appreciate it if you provide me the same courtesy.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Accomplished and Ambivilent
Thank you ladies for your kind words of support and commiseration. You remind me why I so value you all. This entire experience is trying and difficult, but you make it much easier.
So, this weekend was CRAZY busy.
Friday, we put our condo up for sale officially - with a real estate agent. As a result on Thursday night and Friday morning I was running around cleaning everything in site. I must get into a normal cleaning schedule, otherwise I'll be going out of my mind with another thing to worry about - is our condo clean enough? Our first open house is on Sunday.
Saturday, my sister's bridal shower. Thankfully, the event went well. Everyone seemed to like the place, food, and decorations. Although, my mother had to cause an argument with me. And the sister-in-law from hell was up to her old tricks. She is the worst kind of bitch - passive aggressive. Sadly and ironically, my mother ended up breaking one of my sister's gifts and really upset her.
Sunday, Father's day went fine. We went to dinner and had a good time. I told Mike that I love him, but that I am grateful that his family is not mine. No offense, but that I had enough of the women in his family because they were way too much like the women in my own family. And that I am very grateful for him, because I can't imagine a better person to be joining our family.
And I finally got to take the HCG shot yesterday. First IUI today, tomorrow will be the second. Again, feeling very ambivilent, so are sperm and eggs. Not sure how many we have - one day it was two at the same size. The next two days, it was one. Honestly, don't think that the tech scanned both ovaries. Because their was one on each side. Who cares? And we have seen better results with the swimmers before - T had that sunburn and then a cold, which he still has. Like I said before, who cares?
Yes, ambivalence is in the air.
So, this weekend was CRAZY busy.
Friday, we put our condo up for sale officially - with a real estate agent. As a result on Thursday night and Friday morning I was running around cleaning everything in site. I must get into a normal cleaning schedule, otherwise I'll be going out of my mind with another thing to worry about - is our condo clean enough? Our first open house is on Sunday.
Saturday, my sister's bridal shower. Thankfully, the event went well. Everyone seemed to like the place, food, and decorations. Although, my mother had to cause an argument with me. And the sister-in-law from hell was up to her old tricks. She is the worst kind of bitch - passive aggressive. Sadly and ironically, my mother ended up breaking one of my sister's gifts and really upset her.
Sunday, Father's day went fine. We went to dinner and had a good time. I told Mike that I love him, but that I am grateful that his family is not mine. No offense, but that I had enough of the women in his family because they were way too much like the women in my own family. And that I am very grateful for him, because I can't imagine a better person to be joining our family.
And I finally got to take the HCG shot yesterday. First IUI today, tomorrow will be the second. Again, feeling very ambivilent, so are sperm and eggs. Not sure how many we have - one day it was two at the same size. The next two days, it was one. Honestly, don't think that the tech scanned both ovaries. Because their was one on each side. Who cares? And we have seen better results with the swimmers before - T had that sunburn and then a cold, which he still has. Like I said before, who cares?
Yes, ambivalence is in the air.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
May I have a guesstimate? Please.
I read many blogs dealing with infertility. It seems most are optimistic, look forward to treatments and do better emotionally while cycling, and have more of a clear cut answer as to when procedures will be taking place.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.
With me, my optimism is nil at this point. I literally am doing procedures right now because I think I should. My faith that this will happen is not there. Because I've come to the conclusion it just may not. My futility, well it means that when I am in the middle of treatments, I am sad. It takes every bit of self motivation I have to do this, whatever this is.
To complicate matters my RE's office is infuriating at times. The nurses and staff's bed side manner can either be really good or really bad. There just is no middle of the road.
Yesterday, they called while I was at a meeting. They simply told me to show up this morning for blood and ultrasound. I called them back wanting to know my E2 levels, to know if I had any measurable follicles, etc. They told me that they didn't have the information. Then, how could they tell me what to do? I was angry.
Today, I understood why they were dismissive with me yesterday. They had at least six IUIs going on - if not other procedures. (More men in that waiting room than I have ever seen.) After my blood and ultrasound, the nurse told me that my E2 yesterday was 68 and that they only saw one measurable follie. But, that they didn't know when my IUI would be. That depending on my blood work from today, then they would either continue on the 75 ius or tell me to administered the HCG shot and come in tomorrow and Saturday for my IUI.
She called back today and the E2 is now 112. They could only see one follicle, but that could have been the ultrasound lady's technique (not sure what they are called). And they are hoping for more than one. I was hoping for more than one and less than four. I asked for a guesstimate on our IUI. Because honestly, this going back and forth is driving me a little nuts.
I just want to know when - so that I can prepare. You know ask for time off from work, make arrangements for the final tasks for my sister's bridal shower, to schedule other activities, etc. You know take my therapist's advice and do other things - especially when I am cycling - to help take my mind of this stress!
And will my IUIs actually be on Sunday and Monday? If so, small problem, I haven't administered the HCG to myself and T will not be home. That shot is too much like a needle. I don't know if I can put my big girl pants on for that one.
And why is that I am the only person that I know of that NEVER knows when any of her procedures will take place? Leaving me to believe that my body must be more f*cked up than first believed. If so, why hasn't anyone told me? Granted I have that feeling anyway, see above, no hope.
Honestly, the logistical stuff is what is making me so emotional. Whether or not this works - well I don't believe it will - I have ambivalence with a touch if it happens it will be a pleasant surprise.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
My Blogaversary
The year has gone very quickly. And the reason for the blog has changed so much within that year.
At first, it was to prevent myself from exploding. My first couple of entries was the beginning of a cathartic act. Getting things out of my head, the beginnings of my pensieve.
It then turned into a means for my husband and friends to understand what was going on in my head and how to provide me support. Some of those friends took my advice and excelled and while others only found pity instead of empathy.
Then it turned into a chronicle of our treatments, of 2 week waits, and a battle within.
It later turned into a communication channel to a phenomenal group of people who cheer, care and support beyond my wildest dreams.
It is now an outlet with all of these factors. A thing that has helped me evolve and will continue to help me evolve. It is a beautiful outlet that if I did not have, I would be missing something. Because it is truly helped in a difficult time.
And I thank you all for reading, commenting, and truly making a difference in my life. Since without you, it wouldn't be as special.
***
I also really listened to these lyrics and I thought it was so appropriate to my relationship with my blog and struggle with infertility. I thought I would share it with you all.
At first, it was to prevent myself from exploding. My first couple of entries was the beginning of a cathartic act. Getting things out of my head, the beginnings of my pensieve.
It then turned into a means for my husband and friends to understand what was going on in my head and how to provide me support. Some of those friends took my advice and excelled and while others only found pity instead of empathy.
Then it turned into a chronicle of our treatments, of 2 week waits, and a battle within.
It later turned into a communication channel to a phenomenal group of people who cheer, care and support beyond my wildest dreams.
It is now an outlet with all of these factors. A thing that has helped me evolve and will continue to help me evolve. It is a beautiful outlet that if I did not have, I would be missing something. Because it is truly helped in a difficult time.
And I thank you all for reading, commenting, and truly making a difference in my life. Since without you, it wouldn't be as special.
***
I also really listened to these lyrics and I thought it was so appropriate to my relationship with my blog and struggle with infertility. I thought I would share it with you all.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Busy
Promise to post some photos soon. It has been crazy here. Last week, I was chasing after guests and finalizing everything for my sister's bridal shower which is on Saturday. And that drama continues with her sister-in-law!
Also, yesterday, I went in for blood work and my E2 is at 66. This time for cancelled IUI I was at 975. So, obviously only one follicle if that and no worries on the eight. Go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping that the IUI is on Thursday and Friday - so that doesn't interfer with everything I have to do on Saturday. Pick up flowers and prepare, etc.
Oh yeah, we are putting the condo on the market with a real estate agent. We've run out of the quick and cheap alternatives and if we are serious, it is our only logical option.
Hoping I can get Friday off. I think it may be a necessity. Life always feels zero to sixty.
P.S. Thank you for the well wishes. The birthday was nice. I went to see Spid*rman and Pirates. I really enjoyed Pirates. And it was nice going by myself. Actually, it was really nice to sit where I love to sit and not have to accomodate anyone else. To calmly do what I wanted and still get to see the previews (one of my favorites). It was really nice.
Also, yesterday, I went in for blood work and my E2 is at 66. This time for cancelled IUI I was at 975. So, obviously only one follicle if that and no worries on the eight. Go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday. Hoping that the IUI is on Thursday and Friday - so that doesn't interfer with everything I have to do on Saturday. Pick up flowers and prepare, etc.
Oh yeah, we are putting the condo on the market with a real estate agent. We've run out of the quick and cheap alternatives and if we are serious, it is our only logical option.
Hoping I can get Friday off. I think it may be a necessity. Life always feels zero to sixty.
P.S. Thank you for the well wishes. The birthday was nice. I went to see Spid*rman and Pirates. I really enjoyed Pirates. And it was nice going by myself. Actually, it was really nice to sit where I love to sit and not have to accomodate anyone else. To calmly do what I wanted and still get to see the previews (one of my favorites). It was really nice.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Another year.
It is my birthday tomorrow. Yup....another year older. No big plans because well - my husband is working and I have no friends. :). Just kidding. I just have friends who live far away or who probably don't feel like going out (eight months pregnant). And I didn't ask.
Because, I'll be going to the movies by myself. And honestly, I am looking forward to it. I know, I sound crazy. But, I want this year to be the year that I do things either with people or without. That I don't hold myself back because I am going to do something alone. See, T works alot. And I need to get out there. So, no matter how insignificant it seems. It is a big deal.
The ironic part is that I used to be more like this, do things that I wanted to do regardless of who was coming with me or not. And the cruise allowed a safe place for me to do that again. It was really nice, I did what I wanted and got to see the man too. Heck he was usually in bed.
But, something changed. My relationship with T made me more dependent. And it isn't a bad thing. I love my husband and he and I plan on being married for a long time. But he works alot. And I get lonely. So, I will be doing things I want to do regardless. Because it might get me back to where I really like myself. When I was independent and in control.
So the movie tomorrow. And who knows what else. It is a step to being me. And grab back some good things that I lost along the way.
Because, I'll be going to the movies by myself. And honestly, I am looking forward to it. I know, I sound crazy. But, I want this year to be the year that I do things either with people or without. That I don't hold myself back because I am going to do something alone. See, T works alot. And I need to get out there. So, no matter how insignificant it seems. It is a big deal.
The ironic part is that I used to be more like this, do things that I wanted to do regardless of who was coming with me or not. And the cruise allowed a safe place for me to do that again. It was really nice, I did what I wanted and got to see the man too. Heck he was usually in bed.
But, something changed. My relationship with T made me more dependent. And it isn't a bad thing. I love my husband and he and I plan on being married for a long time. But he works alot. And I get lonely. So, I will be doing things I want to do regardless. Because it might get me back to where I really like myself. When I was independent and in control.
So the movie tomorrow. And who knows what else. It is a step to being me. And grab back some good things that I lost along the way.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Swaying Back to My Reality
Do you know in a week, it will be my one year anniversary of blogging? Yes in one week. I'm amazed. Mostly because this year has had so many changes - which this cruise allowed me to completely think of - and gain some additional peace.
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
You may be asking how did you have such an elightened experience on a cruise?
Well, it was a great week. Despite the fact that T got a second degree sunburn on our second day. Because of that I was left to my own devices for a few days. But, what I found is that - for me - it is easier to pretend that fertility or infertility is not an issue. And that if I forget that one portion of my life, I am happy. WOW!
I can find things to do with my time that I enjoy. Read a book and get lost in the plot and characters. Go to yoga. Enjoy the sun with sunblock. Drink a fruity drink or relish my wine.
I can completely surrender to not having children. To accept us as a couple family.
The only thing that was reinforced this cruise is that I would be lonely at points. On the flip side it was also reinforced that if I make friends that loneliness will be minimal. Not to mention that having a child to counter loneliness isn't the wisest decision or reasoning.
I will post soon with photos of our travels. Because of the burn and the fact that I didn't feel comfortable getting off the boat by myself they are mostly of St. Martin and St. Thomas - which were both BEAUTIFUL! (Actually, I went online to price vacation to St. Thomas. It is on the short list of must get to that island and stay for a while.)
And no worries, we aren't getting off this road just yet. Remember we have our three injectible IUIs. Funniest part is that AF showed on Sunday our last day. She was trying to behave. My baseline was today, Gonal-f injections start tonight at the lowest dosage, and bloodwork on Sunday.
But, the cruise left me with the feeling that we will be OK. And in a weird way, I think our consoliation prize life which will come after giving the infertility road will be nice - to say the least. And it is food for thought.
Oh if you were wondering about the title. I still am swaying. For some reason, for me, motion issues are worse when I return to land. Maybe it means I need to stay on the boat longer :).
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