Wish me a Bon Voyage! Wishing you all the best.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
WTF?
No seriously. Either God has a sense of humor or I have a F*CKED up body. And today, I really don't know the answer, maybe it is both!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Get this. On Friday, I went to the RE to figure out what the hell is going on. Bloodwork inconclusive. Today, I went in for a follow-up. Bloodwork equals about ready to ovulate. From estrogen count, I would say about two eggs.
F*cked up part, no period since last cycle (you know the 8 follicle cancelled IUI) except for some minor spotting and no drugs.
What the F*CK?!?
***
To answer Carla and anyone else. No IUI because my insurance has only approved me for medicated IUIs. How about that for ironic? So taking advantage the old fashioned way. At least there seem to be more than one egg.
Also, about the spotting, it must have been my period. But, I've had worse paper cuts.
Hope is nil. Will continue to count down to my vacation. Will be doing everything they tell you not to. And if we get pregnant, I will be the first to tell EVERYONE - drink and say F*CK IT. It worked for me :). HAHAHA - IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Self Sacrifice
For the last three years, I have been sacrificing. It is something that my parents have always done for me. They would sacrifice for my sister and I. And I think that I started to taking their lesson and practicing it for our maybe baby.
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
At first, it seemed to make sense. We would get pregnant immediately. Heck, everyone else in my family never had any problems. Both sides of the family quickly multiplied. I do come from a HUGE family. No problems or indications that T would have any problems either. (But we all know that my body is totally screwed up - good fertile genes or not.)
And I knew the kind of parent I wanted to be. The responsible kind. You know, the ones that live for their children. Always think of their kids before themselves. To be able to provide for them, but also to be home with them for some portion of their early childhood. To give them that which I didn't have - my Mom at home.
So, we saved. Paid off all our debt. Made sure that we could live off one salary.
A year passed. A second year passed. A third year fastly approaches.
And all this self sacrifice has not and will not bring us a child. If anything, it makes me miss myself. The self that has always been practical but a little whimsy. The side that wasn't always attached to my purse strings and would splurge without guilt. The part that didn't live for a maybe baby.
So, I made a promise to find her. I am no longer going to live to be a responsible parent to a maybe baby. Instead, I think I will become more self-centered. So I am starting to try to live for us and not for a future that may never happen. Realizing, with a twinge of guilt for my poor husband. I think I may have been living for our maybe baby since we got married. He deserves this too. To focus on the present and let the future that comes, come. While having as much fun as possible.
Wow...another lesson...infertility the double edge sword that continuously teaches me something. (I don't always like it.)
Friday, May 18, 2007
One long rant.
I want to cry. As of today, cycle day 32, I still have not gotten my period. If I ovulated, I should have ovulated somewhere around day 10, that is a 22 day luteal phase. We abstained this cycle, terror of having a litter was enough for me. And I am desperate for my period. So much so, my T has offered “to buy me a period, you know the kind with adhesive on back, he could stop at C*S” and compared my period to “a big long run on sentence.” His attempts to make me laugh, instead he got a smile and “Maybe.”
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
But truth be told, I am sad that I still haven’t gotten my period. See, PMS is kicking my butt. My temper is thru the roof. I need to constantly breathe and remind myself there isn’t a reason to pummel the person to an inch of his/her life. That it isn’t their fault that my hormones are going out of whack. And it makes me tired, that I need to do this constantly; from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. There is no release. Because when I don’t feel angry, I feel sad and about ready to cry. The tears are behind my eyes. I can feel them.
And the only release would be my period. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. Because my body can’t even do that right! It probably doesn’t help that the nurses have been calling me for over two weeks and asking if I’ve gotten my period. I went today for blood work, to figure out what they heck is going on. Turns out it is inconclusive; making me feel just that more defective.
And these moments make me wish that we were off this crazy rollercoaster, so that I can take the Pill. Unlike most people, to me the Pill is godsend. It regulated my cycle and I had no side effects. Actually my side effects were all positive. (I weighed less, it controlled my facial hair, etc.) And the best side effect, no PMS! Actually, before trying to conceive, I never new I had PMS. It became very evident about ten months after I was off the miracle pill. It was then that I felt this urge to hurt someone. Creating my defense mechanism of hiding from people. (Please don’t hate me if I don’t call/email you back right away.) During my Clomid cycles, it was probably masked by my craziness on that pill.
PMS makes me hate my body even more. I want to ignore it. But, how can you ignore your body? I want to walk away from it, leave it and not talk to it. And I am reminded that my passive aggressive nature is useless with dealing with infertility, because no matter what I do, my body refuses to leave me alone.
All of this is leaving my emotional, mental, physical reserves on empty. It is so time for a vacation. I am desperate for a non-reproductive related relaxation. I am desperate for my period to come, so that I truly can FORGET my reproductive organs for at least a week. To think of nothing more taxing than what my next drink will be.
I was doing so well before PMS. I was feeling like my old self. The future held so much potential with or without children. Positive that life would be OK. Thinking of what sports car I would buy. Planning for our vacation. (Did you know I made an appointment to dye my hair?) But, my body cannot leave me alone, it is hell bent on making me feel miserable.
Repeating, this too shall pass.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I hate PMS!
I would like to have a long guttural SCREAM. The kind associated with horror flicks, but not because I am being tortured, terrorized or harmed. But to get out my deep frustration with everything, the feeling that I am about to jump out of my skin, and to release the rage that my hormones are causing.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
That scream or my period, might take my PMS away. I really want AF to visit soon, before we leave for our vacation. I could cry. Another PMS symptom. Why can't my reproductive system EVER play nice? And could my PMS be worse, because this would be the end of the eight follicle cycle?
I would like to go home, put on some gym clothes and sneakers, and walk for miles. So that I could at least be physically exhausted. Instead, I went for a fifteen minute walk. It helped a little, but I am still so tense.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Meme
Ok M tagged me. (Please note that I didn't link her because I think she has been wanting more anonymity.) Here goes nothing. My "I am"
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
I am like the wind; flighty and breeze; strong and fierce.
I am like Portuguese sweet bread; sweet, nurturing, and flaky.
I am a Christian, loving and loved.
I am a student at heart, always seeking knowledge and truth.
I am multi-national; equally pulled by heritage and nationality.
I am loyal and introspective; both are my best and worst qualities.
I am a Gemini, a living, walking, talking contradiction or maybe
I am just a woman.
Now the challenge:
I challenge all of you, and especially the following people to write their own "I am" poem and post it on their blog. I would like these people to tag 5 bloggers and so on. I cannot wait to read about who you are!
Sticky Bun
Ann
Aurelia
Ellen
Artblog
Now get to it....please. Can't wait.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Fantasies
Lately, I have been fantasizing about what our alternative life would be. See, I thought the logical progression of our life would include children. Then as time passed, the fantasy changed to having one child. And as time goes on, I am starting to fantasize about not having any. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the pregnant fantasy, especially during a hope-filled cycle. But, lately, in the last few weeks after our cancelled IUI, I’ve been fantasizing about what our life would be like sans children.
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
You may be SCREAMING that there are other options. But, after having a conversation with T, I realize that the main reason I want a child is to be reminded of my loved ones. I want the biological connection. Sharing of traditions is important, but most of my traditions are based on my heritage and nationality. I am totally getting off topic…so let me continue.
And the fantasy isn’t so bad. T and I could buy a smaller home. A town house even - as long as it has a guest bedroom, a backyard with room for a small garden, a dog, no restrictions on motorcycles and grills. We would have extra room – so T could have his office and I could have a craft/yoga/reading room.
We could go on vacation when we want. Finally get to Europe again. We could trade in my mommy car – I drive a C*mry – and indulge in some type of irrational fun car. Save for a vacation home on the Cape or in Florida. I would keep up with my Yoga classes and maybe start volunteering again.
It would be me, T, our kitties, and a new puppy.
For some reason, when I fantasize about this my hair is red :). It would be a whole life style change. I would no longer have to be practical for our maybe baby. Maybe get a masters degree in something or my paralegal certification, and refocus on my career, or consider opening a side business - instead of having the perfect job for being a mom. I could drink alcohol and coffee whenever I want. S*x would be fun again. I would be on the pill because the fantasy doesn’t include any surprise pregnancies. The chapter would be closed. It would be done. And I would instead be a mix of impractical and practical – after all I would still need to save for retirement :).
And I think our three IUIs may be it. Maybe my resolve to getting pregnant isn’t as strong as others. But, I think it would be better to get off this bumpy road than continuously go thru it. The bruises hurt. I know that I don’t have it in me. I don’t quit easily, but sometimes it is the best. It will be three years in September – isn’t that long enough?
But, I also think that if we end up with too many eggs again, and we are presented with IUI conversion to IVF - depending on the number of eggs, I may be willing. Mostly because my understanding of Catholic doctrine; only leaves me with a dilemma of what to do with the extra embryos. And I do know the options. I just need to work that out in my head, then talk to T again. The fantasy I think is so much more appealing, because these conversations can end. We can be less preoccupied with these dilemmas and start thinking about us again.
Start fantasizing with a possibility. The maybe baby brings too many ifs. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, it is still out of your hands. And it will be nice just to know and be content with what life has given us. And find different ways to challenge ourselves that can be accomplished with hard work.
This fantasy makes me wonder, am I normal? Is it time to maybe stop?
Friday, May 04, 2007
Take Action! **UPDATED**
From my cyber friend Kristin:
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Legislation has just been introduced in the House of Representatives that would mandate health insurance coverage for the treatment of infertility for all Americans. Please use the following link from the RESOLVE website to contact your Representative ASAP and request support for this legislation. It will only take a minute; this is the link, it will automatically generate an email form letter to your Representative, based on your mailing address. Because your email address is also required, you will probably receive an email from RESOLVE thanking you for your support and providing a separate link that you can use to email your Senators as well. Simply click the checked off box (to un-check it) if you do NOT want to receive email updates from RESOLVE.
Please post this on your blog and any boards you post on. I think I will create a separate thread on this board to get the word out.
ETA: If the link doesn't work, just go to www.resolve.org and click on "Take Action" on the lefthand side. Then you'll see links for contacting congressmen regarding this legislation.
***
Also, if you need more information on your Representative of Senator, both the House and Senate websites are linked on my side bar. Please take a few minutes!
If you read in the comments below that Kristin is apologizing for providing this information too early, please ignore! I ask you to still make your opinions known now! I've actually worked in a Senator's local office (both as intern and as an aid). They want to know their constituents' opinions well before ANY bill is introduced. And IF we inundate them with enough requests to get involved - they may actually "officially" support the bill. This extra support may insure the approval of the bill and future approval in the Senate. So, PLEASE do send in your letters.
Also, if you can print them out and send them out via snail mail. This little extra step may actually move them to action. Unfortunatelly, they are still very moved by piles of mail on topics.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Random Good Thoughts
I know, how random is this? But, I've been thinking how depressing my blog sounds and there are several reasons for this depressing tone.
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
1. Infertility sucks.
2. The blog serves as my pensieve - outlet to get them all out. So that I can go on with business and be a reasonably happy person.
3. Too many thoughts are coursing thru my mind.
But, I don't want people to think that I bummed out all of the time. So, I will be putting in things to be grateful for every so often or more simply list some really good things. I did this several months back and that list I covered Hubby, the family, my kitties (furry children). You know the biggies which I am continously grateful for. So if this list seems "fluffy" sorry. However, they currently make me happy.
1. 25 days until our cruise.
2. Lost five pounds. Trying to continue the weight loss trend.
3. Fitting into my jeans. (For a solid week after the creation of the eight follies this was not possible.)
4. The rain has stopped and we will be having sunshine for several days to come.
5. Knowing AMAZING people both in real life and in cyberland.
All right, more serious posts to come. But today, the sun is shining and can't help but SMILE. And I get to go to yoga today!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Trumped
The shower was fine. Kept myself busy and my mind was with more important things. More family drama going on. Craziness really. Basically, my mother and her siblings are fighting about what to do with my Grandfather. Unfortunately, no one has asked him. And they are all thinking about themselves. But, the commotion may be all for nothing. Considering he is dying. Sadly, he doesn't have much time left. His doctor gives him at most a few months. He can't even go to his doctor, considering that movement may end his life.
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
Time to say our good-byes. All of the children have their bags packed. My Mom and Dad are leaving tonight to visit.
I'm praying that he isn't experiencing pain and holding on to the fact that he was joking with me on Sunday over the phone. Even in my broken Portuguese, he and I can always share a laugh. Sadly, I want to talk to him and I don't, because if Sunday is my last memory of him, well it would be a good one, and I would like to hold on to that.
How selfish am I, huh? To continue my selfish thought process, I really hope and pray that he doesn't pass away while I am on vacation. I want to be able to go to his funeral and if I am on the cruise ship; well I don't think there will be a way for me to travel to California.
Also, my parents haven’t gotten a chance to tell my sister how serious his situation is and my Mom has asked me to tell my sister today. My only younger sister, who lives in Nantucket. So I can't even do it in person. My sister who was so distraught over Bobby’s death. It is less than five months before her wedding. In the last year we lost Bobby and more than likely will loose our only biological remaining grandparent.
The title – a bit of a tribute to my Grandfather – he loves to play cards. And he most certainly trumped any silly feelings I was having. Ah…life does have that way of doing that doesn’t it?
Friday, April 27, 2007
A baby shower.
On Sunday, I get the pleasure of going to a baby shower with my mother and all of my mother's female extended family members. Yes, if you sensed sarcasm in that sentence, it was intended.
I would rather....clean toilets....drink fish oil....have a BFN.
But, it is for my cousin. A cousin who didn't tell me she was pregnant. A cousin that I am clearly not friends with. However, we are related. And in order to preserve what little relationship we have. I've decided to go.
Oh, yeah. I also decided to go, because it is easier to go than listen to my mother telling me "That I am a terribly selfish person who isn't happy for anyone because I can't have what they have. And that I have been completely insufferable since starting to take hormones."
What fun awaits me.....oh what fun.
I would rather....clean toilets....drink fish oil....have a BFN.
But, it is for my cousin. A cousin who didn't tell me she was pregnant. A cousin that I am clearly not friends with. However, we are related. And in order to preserve what little relationship we have. I've decided to go.
Oh, yeah. I also decided to go, because it is easier to go than listen to my mother telling me "That I am a terribly selfish person who isn't happy for anyone because I can't have what they have. And that I have been completely insufferable since starting to take hormones."
What fun awaits me.....oh what fun.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Catholicism - Part II
If I consider infertility to be a medical condition, and I wouldn’t hesitate in doing a medical procedure to save my life, why then wouldn’t I consider IVF? This is a major question. Because I do consider infertility to be a medical condition. But, I physically cannot die from infertility. It does however effect me emotionally and mentally. It does make me feel sad, depressed in my darkest days, which has been known to cause physical ailments in others. But will I die? More than likely no. However, most medical procedures are not condemned by the Church. I can’t think of one that is, besides IVF. Could this be a case of men not recognizing the significance of not being able to procreate? A misunderstanding on their part.
Did you know that Catholic Nuns helped with the development of fertility drugs, specifically the nun’s urine? Serono Laboratories in Italy used the urine of post-menopausal nuns to prepare the pharmaceutical extract Pergonal, prescribed to stimulate fertility. Pergonal is gonadotropin which helps produce several eggs. The human menopausal gondotropins (hMG) consists of FSH and LH which is closely connected to human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) which is also used in ART procedures to release the eggs. How am I to interpret that involvement? It seems to me that they support ART more than they lead on. These drugs are also used for non fertilization procedures. The answer could be that, but they are more often used for IVF. It seems contradictor.
Do we pursue and then ask for forgiveness later? The answer to this is clearly no. As a Catholic, I believe that you are judged on what you know to be true and right. Therefore, if after my analysis, I don’t believe this is true or right. Then I cannot pursue and then ask for forgiveness. In this situation, it would be very tempting to say the end justifies the means, but it would be the opposite of what I am trying to do here. It would mean that infertility won again, and another piece of Dianne is lost.
And how do you raise a child in the Catholic Church when its doctrine believes that child was never to exist? How do you explain all of this to said child when the time comes?
Lastly, how do I ignore that desire which has been put in my heart by God? Because I don’t believe it could be put in my heart by any other.
I will be answering all these subtopics in separate posts. Mostly because there is so much to each of them and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Well, I don’t want to overwhelm myself any more than I all ready am.
Thanks ladies for reading along my thought process, please do continue to comment. This is something that I want to talk thru with several people in real life as well as in Blogland. Getting all of those thoughts and opinions may help me figure out my own opinion for my situation.
It really saddens me how much infertility takes away from a person. It threatens each and every piece of the being. And I feel like I am constantly battling to keep the original me in one piece, and this piece is a big part of me. I don't want to reshape it, unless I truly believe it needs to be. I don't want to loose this piece of me because of my useless body.
Did you know that Catholic Nuns helped with the development of fertility drugs, specifically the nun’s urine? Serono Laboratories in Italy used the urine of post-menopausal nuns to prepare the pharmaceutical extract Pergonal, prescribed to stimulate fertility. Pergonal is gonadotropin which helps produce several eggs. The human menopausal gondotropins (hMG) consists of FSH and LH which is closely connected to human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) which is also used in ART procedures to release the eggs. How am I to interpret that involvement? It seems to me that they support ART more than they lead on. These drugs are also used for non fertilization procedures. The answer could be that, but they are more often used for IVF. It seems contradictor.
Do we pursue and then ask for forgiveness later? The answer to this is clearly no. As a Catholic, I believe that you are judged on what you know to be true and right. Therefore, if after my analysis, I don’t believe this is true or right. Then I cannot pursue and then ask for forgiveness. In this situation, it would be very tempting to say the end justifies the means, but it would be the opposite of what I am trying to do here. It would mean that infertility won again, and another piece of Dianne is lost.
And how do you raise a child in the Catholic Church when its doctrine believes that child was never to exist? How do you explain all of this to said child when the time comes?
Lastly, how do I ignore that desire which has been put in my heart by God? Because I don’t believe it could be put in my heart by any other.
I will be answering all these subtopics in separate posts. Mostly because there is so much to each of them and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Well, I don’t want to overwhelm myself any more than I all ready am.
Thanks ladies for reading along my thought process, please do continue to comment. This is something that I want to talk thru with several people in real life as well as in Blogland. Getting all of those thoughts and opinions may help me figure out my own opinion for my situation.
It really saddens me how much infertility takes away from a person. It threatens each and every piece of the being. And I feel like I am constantly battling to keep the original me in one piece, and this piece is a big part of me. I don't want to reshape it, unless I truly believe it needs to be. I don't want to loose this piece of me because of my useless body.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Catholicism - Part I
A long time ago, Father Mike told me “Catholicism is a religion, not a cult.”
I can’t remember what he was talking about exactly. But, I do remember it being about that the hierarchy of Catholicism states many things as doctrine that we as members of the religion are not required to believe, if we can logically and reasonably come to another conclusion, using our faith as our guide.
Now, this is hard to do. But there are many things that I don’t blindly believe in that the Catholic Church believes in. Because, many of their doctrines, all though created in the name of God, are created by humans, men in particular. And as time goes by many of those decisions have been recanted. Lets not forget human follies completed in the name of the Church such as the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. The Catholic hierarchy is not infallible.
There are many other issues that I sometimes believe fall into this category, such as women not being allowed to be ordained ministers (Did you know that in the early Church women were allowed to be deacons? These women were granted powers of Baptism etc.), or how priests are not allowed to marry (Did you know this was allowed in the early Church and banned due to children and property issues?), or that unborn children may be in a continuous purgatory. (How the heck do they know? These children are pure. You can’t get any more pure?)
So, for last few months, I have been struggling with IVF. And I go back and forth – completely undecided on my position. See, I am trying to use my faith, the Holy book, and my knowledge to reason a decision on this complicated topic. Also, please note that I do not hold any judgment on anyone who uses IVF or is successful with IVF. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I am trying to remain Catholic and while “pushing(ed) myself to the limits” as Baby Blues said.
See that is my struggle. How do I push myself to the limits, while remaining true to my faith? And do I believe in what my faith teaches is correct on this topic? How do I not loose my faith too? Infertility takes so much away as is.
I thought I had the solution with 3 IUIs and a GIFT. But outside groups are FORCING me to reconsider. Our secondary insurance has made it a requirement for us to complete 3 injectible IUIs on top of the Clomid IUI which we already have completed. Then my RE is refusing to pursue GIFT. Her statistics show that IUIs are more successful. So, she has almost flatly refused to pursue GIFT. And she is the only RE for our primary insurance network – meaning they use no other RE for the entire Boston area. Leaving us little choice about switching doctors, but it may be what we need to do in the end anyway.
But, see I am not sure how I feel about IVF. I thought I had it straight in my head. I wasn’t willing. Because the embryos would be children in my mind and that it would be too difficult to go thru all of that and have it be unsuccessful. It would only solidify my feelings of a defective body. Make me hate my own body more. All things that are not good in my opinion. Not to mention, my fear, that I may loose my mind in the process.
However, yesterday, when the nurse called to tell me I would have the choice of IVF or cancellation. I thought maybe I should consider this more closely. But, I quickly said out loud, “IVF is not an option right now for us.” I was thinking, what if it is our only option. What if, I am such a good responder that this will happen continuously? What if, IVF will be our only option? Leaving me with no choice but to truly think this completely. It was no longer something I could examine later if need be. It was a right now question.
So my thought process began:
First, the Church approves of drugs for ovulation and procedures that allow for increasing your odds without fertilization. (Please note I know that this is an over simplification of the doctrine.) So, they are reinforcing their belief that life starts at conception. However, as many of us know, fertilization may happen without implantation ever occurring. So, are they insinuating that there is more mysticism with fertilization, than implantation, or the life itself? Is the thought process that life is started at fertilization and therefore medical science shouldn’t have the same privilege? Is this thought process established to prevent confusion with pro-choice doctrine?
This point, perplexes me to no end. Personally, I do believe that life is created at fertilization. But, I also know that if we are lucky enough to get fertilized embryos, that is no guarantee of implantation. I truly believe, that God’s hand is involved with implantation and maybe that this is actually where life is started. This thought process reinforces my belief that children conceived thru IVF, are gifts from God because implantation is not a guarantee.
Secondly, the Bible states “Go forth and multiply.” That statement in itself leads me to believe that we should have children. But it doesn’t talk about how to do it. Granted at the time of the Bible, there weren’t other ways to get it done. Lets not forget that the wedding mass asks specifically if the couple is willing to accept children into their lives? Which begs the question, if we are to be willing to accept children, wouldn’t it be our responsibility to pursue them?
In the Bible, there are so many stories about women who struggled to get pregnant or who had womanly issues. Such as Sarah, or the woman who was healed by touching Jesus’ robe. In those stories, God helped them succeed in obtaining their child or healed their medical condition. But, if we have medical interventions to help us, wouldn’t it be wise to take it? Especially since the mysticism of conception is still there. It is still very much in God’s hands. Wouldn’t it be negligent not to take this opportunity given to us by medical science to our advantage? Isn’t their knowledge, granted to them by gifts given to them by God? Their intelligence, comprehension and will to want to know how to help. Aren’t those gifts?
Part II to come later….my brain currently hurts. I obviously have more questions than answers here.
I can’t remember what he was talking about exactly. But, I do remember it being about that the hierarchy of Catholicism states many things as doctrine that we as members of the religion are not required to believe, if we can logically and reasonably come to another conclusion, using our faith as our guide.
Now, this is hard to do. But there are many things that I don’t blindly believe in that the Catholic Church believes in. Because, many of their doctrines, all though created in the name of God, are created by humans, men in particular. And as time goes by many of those decisions have been recanted. Lets not forget human follies completed in the name of the Church such as the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. The Catholic hierarchy is not infallible.
There are many other issues that I sometimes believe fall into this category, such as women not being allowed to be ordained ministers (Did you know that in the early Church women were allowed to be deacons? These women were granted powers of Baptism etc.), or how priests are not allowed to marry (Did you know this was allowed in the early Church and banned due to children and property issues?), or that unborn children may be in a continuous purgatory. (How the heck do they know? These children are pure. You can’t get any more pure?)
So, for last few months, I have been struggling with IVF. And I go back and forth – completely undecided on my position. See, I am trying to use my faith, the Holy book, and my knowledge to reason a decision on this complicated topic. Also, please note that I do not hold any judgment on anyone who uses IVF or is successful with IVF. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I am trying to remain Catholic and while “pushing(ed) myself to the limits” as Baby Blues said.
See that is my struggle. How do I push myself to the limits, while remaining true to my faith? And do I believe in what my faith teaches is correct on this topic? How do I not loose my faith too? Infertility takes so much away as is.
I thought I had the solution with 3 IUIs and a GIFT. But outside groups are FORCING me to reconsider. Our secondary insurance has made it a requirement for us to complete 3 injectible IUIs on top of the Clomid IUI which we already have completed. Then my RE is refusing to pursue GIFT. Her statistics show that IUIs are more successful. So, she has almost flatly refused to pursue GIFT. And she is the only RE for our primary insurance network – meaning they use no other RE for the entire Boston area. Leaving us little choice about switching doctors, but it may be what we need to do in the end anyway.
But, see I am not sure how I feel about IVF. I thought I had it straight in my head. I wasn’t willing. Because the embryos would be children in my mind and that it would be too difficult to go thru all of that and have it be unsuccessful. It would only solidify my feelings of a defective body. Make me hate my own body more. All things that are not good in my opinion. Not to mention, my fear, that I may loose my mind in the process.
However, yesterday, when the nurse called to tell me I would have the choice of IVF or cancellation. I thought maybe I should consider this more closely. But, I quickly said out loud, “IVF is not an option right now for us.” I was thinking, what if it is our only option. What if, I am such a good responder that this will happen continuously? What if, IVF will be our only option? Leaving me with no choice but to truly think this completely. It was no longer something I could examine later if need be. It was a right now question.
So my thought process began:
First, the Church approves of drugs for ovulation and procedures that allow for increasing your odds without fertilization. (Please note I know that this is an over simplification of the doctrine.) So, they are reinforcing their belief that life starts at conception. However, as many of us know, fertilization may happen without implantation ever occurring. So, are they insinuating that there is more mysticism with fertilization, than implantation, or the life itself? Is the thought process that life is started at fertilization and therefore medical science shouldn’t have the same privilege? Is this thought process established to prevent confusion with pro-choice doctrine?
This point, perplexes me to no end. Personally, I do believe that life is created at fertilization. But, I also know that if we are lucky enough to get fertilized embryos, that is no guarantee of implantation. I truly believe, that God’s hand is involved with implantation and maybe that this is actually where life is started. This thought process reinforces my belief that children conceived thru IVF, are gifts from God because implantation is not a guarantee.
Secondly, the Bible states “Go forth and multiply.” That statement in itself leads me to believe that we should have children. But it doesn’t talk about how to do it. Granted at the time of the Bible, there weren’t other ways to get it done. Lets not forget that the wedding mass asks specifically if the couple is willing to accept children into their lives? Which begs the question, if we are to be willing to accept children, wouldn’t it be our responsibility to pursue them?
In the Bible, there are so many stories about women who struggled to get pregnant or who had womanly issues. Such as Sarah, or the woman who was healed by touching Jesus’ robe. In those stories, God helped them succeed in obtaining their child or healed their medical condition. But, if we have medical interventions to help us, wouldn’t it be wise to take it? Especially since the mysticism of conception is still there. It is still very much in God’s hands. Wouldn’t it be negligent not to take this opportunity given to us by medical science to our advantage? Isn’t their knowledge, granted to them by gifts given to them by God? Their intelligence, comprehension and will to want to know how to help. Aren’t those gifts?
Part II to come later….my brain currently hurts. I obviously have more questions than answers here.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Try 8 follicles.
I want to cry. The nurse called to tell me that my E2 is 1466 and I have 8 follicles. Our choices were to cancel or go with IVF. I am not ready for IVF.
Cancelling is the only solution at this point. And, we will need to take the next cycle off, to let my ovaries heal themselves.
Why does this have to be so hard?
***
To answer Aurelia, I think it isn't an option. Considering coasting - from what I've read - requires putting the patient on a lower dosage. They put me on 37.5 yesterday, and my E2 still increased by 500. So, I don't think that is a possibility. Also, the follicles were all very close in size 3 at 17mm (the three that I saw), 3 at 14mm, and 2 at 13mm.
Cancelling is the only solution at this point. And, we will need to take the next cycle off, to let my ovaries heal themselves.
Why does this have to be so hard?
***
To answer Aurelia, I think it isn't an option. Considering coasting - from what I've read - requires putting the patient on a lower dosage. They put me on 37.5 yesterday, and my E2 still increased by 500. So, I don't think that is a possibility. Also, the follicles were all very close in size 3 at 17mm (the three that I saw), 3 at 14mm, and 2 at 13mm.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Day 7 - E2 at 975
All right my resident experts, should I be concerned? My E2 is 975, it is Day 7. I've been directed to bring down the Gonal-f to 37.5 and to come in tomorrow for blood and ultrasound.
Now, the reason I am a little concerned is because when I tried to figure out what that number means. I got this from INCIID:
What should E2 numbers ideally be during an injectables cycle?
You should see 150-200 per mature follicle. (Note: E2 tends to be somewhat lower on pure FSH cycles. You may use this as a guideline, but your physician will be your best guide in this case.) It ideally should be 100 or over after three days of LH-containing injectables. It ideally should be 100 or over after 4-5 days of injectable recombinant FSH. No chart can show ideal E2 levels since E2 varies per number and size of the follicles.
If I am doing my math correctly, that could mean 4.8 to 6 mature follicles. It could mean a whole bunch of immature follicles too and I won't know for sure until the ultrasound. But, either way it explains why my ovaries have been bugging me.
But, I am concerned that if they have too many mature follicles that they will cancel this IUI. I mean four is manageable and to be honest would be the ideal situation. Considering one of those little guys SHOULD get fertilized and maybe just maybe implant. But, SIX, I am not looking for a litter here. Two or three I would welcome in heart beat. But, SIX!
Did I tell you about the nightmare I had when I first started taking clomid. Well, keep in mind that I was also experiencing killer cramps at the time. Basically, I dreamed that I had sextuplets and all I kept on saying "But, I only took clomid." Now, I know that Gonal-f increases the chances of multiples etc. But, for twins and such. Not sextuplets.
Thoughts, experiences, etc. are greatly appreciated. Even if it is, breathe Dianne you will know more tomorrow. But I am all ready repeating that to myself :).
P.S. I also know that I am overreacting. To be honest, writing this has made me feel more in control. Freak out over. But, I would still really like to hear your personal experiences. Thank you!
**UPDATED**
Samantha asked a really good question. The E2 number of 975 was after four days of the G*nalf and I was on CD 7.
Also, did go in for the ultrasound this morning. Turns out that it looked like I have at least three mature follicles and a bunch of little ones. I will post more later once I get the news. But it does seem that the IUI will be happening this week.
Which leaves me pondering whether or not to do our 3rd IUI immediately after. Because we leave for our trip at the end of May. And presuming that if this cycle is over by the 15th, we could do the injectibles and have our 3rd IUI before our trip. But do I really want to be on a 2ww on vacation? And do I want to stress myself out with all of this timing. Considering the IUI would be presumable on the two days before we leave.
OK - praying that this is it and I no longer have to ponder so much. Yes, yes, yes I know that if this is it - then I will only be pondering other things. But those other things seem like green pastures at this point.
Now, the reason I am a little concerned is because when I tried to figure out what that number means. I got this from INCIID:
What should E2 numbers ideally be during an injectables cycle?
You should see 150-200 per mature follicle. (Note: E2 tends to be somewhat lower on pure FSH cycles. You may use this as a guideline, but your physician will be your best guide in this case.) It ideally should be 100 or over after three days of LH-containing injectables. It ideally should be 100 or over after 4-5 days of injectable recombinant FSH. No chart can show ideal E2 levels since E2 varies per number and size of the follicles.
If I am doing my math correctly, that could mean 4.8 to 6 mature follicles. It could mean a whole bunch of immature follicles too and I won't know for sure until the ultrasound. But, either way it explains why my ovaries have been bugging me.
But, I am concerned that if they have too many mature follicles that they will cancel this IUI. I mean four is manageable and to be honest would be the ideal situation. Considering one of those little guys SHOULD get fertilized and maybe just maybe implant. But, SIX, I am not looking for a litter here. Two or three I would welcome in heart beat. But, SIX!
Did I tell you about the nightmare I had when I first started taking clomid. Well, keep in mind that I was also experiencing killer cramps at the time. Basically, I dreamed that I had sextuplets and all I kept on saying "But, I only took clomid." Now, I know that Gonal-f increases the chances of multiples etc. But, for twins and such. Not sextuplets.
Thoughts, experiences, etc. are greatly appreciated. Even if it is, breathe Dianne you will know more tomorrow. But I am all ready repeating that to myself :).
P.S. I also know that I am overreacting. To be honest, writing this has made me feel more in control. Freak out over. But, I would still really like to hear your personal experiences. Thank you!
**UPDATED**
Samantha asked a really good question. The E2 number of 975 was after four days of the G*nalf and I was on CD 7.
Also, did go in for the ultrasound this morning. Turns out that it looked like I have at least three mature follicles and a bunch of little ones. I will post more later once I get the news. But it does seem that the IUI will be happening this week.
Which leaves me pondering whether or not to do our 3rd IUI immediately after. Because we leave for our trip at the end of May. And presuming that if this cycle is over by the 15th, we could do the injectibles and have our 3rd IUI before our trip. But do I really want to be on a 2ww on vacation? And do I want to stress myself out with all of this timing. Considering the IUI would be presumable on the two days before we leave.
OK - praying that this is it and I no longer have to ponder so much. Yes, yes, yes I know that if this is it - then I will only be pondering other things. But those other things seem like green pastures at this point.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The Needle
I never knew that I would feel this way about injectibles. I never knew that a needle would feel so significant.
When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.
But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.
My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.
My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"
Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.
My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.
Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)
Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.
We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.
Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.
Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.
It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.
It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.
And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.
When I got my box of drugs on Thursday, I felt excited. Happy that they got here on time and I was able to start the G*nal-f. A new adventure to our maybe baby.
But when I finally got home and openned the box. I started pulling out all of the supplies. Syringes, gauze, the Gonal-f pen, the HCG shot, I started to feel petrified.
My T called at the exact moment of my utter freak out. He was able to talk me down. To comfort me, because he was going to do my first shot. The next words, but I won't be home on Friday night in time. Call your sister.
My immediate thought, call my sister? To give me a fertility drug? Tried to breathe, still feeling abject terror. So, I got off the phone with my T and called little sis. Trying to make this as non-chalant as possible. "Hey will you give me a shot?" My sister, "Sure." Fiance in the background, "WHAT? You are going to let her near you with a sharp instrument?" Me, "What choice do I have?"
Well, the thoughts going thru my head. I am a total coward. So many of the women on the boards or blogland are able to do it. And yes, I've always admired them for their ability to put their big girl pants on. So, that is what I need to do, when it becomes necessary.
My first shot on Thursday night, T was able to do it for me. It went off without a hitch. Except for when I started to giggle from being nervous. Giggling with a needle inside of you, is NOT a good idea. But, no bruise. T is good at this needle thing, PHEW, one down.
Friday night, I go to my parents. Yes, that is where I had to go for my sister to give me the shot. See she was visiting from a small island off the shore. (She didn't just fly in for this, thankfully she was coincidentally coming in.) I prep the G*nalf and she watches the video. She performs it without incident - except I started to giggle again. (Meanwhile my Mother and Father in the background, I can't believe all of this.)
Saturday night, T tells me that I should try to do it at least once. Just so that I know I can do it. His reasoning, that he was not going to be home on Tuesday night and didn't know if work would prevent him from being home on time.
We went out for Mexican, I indulged and had a margharita.
Came home. Prepped the needle and when T was in the bathroom. I put my big girl's pants and gave myself the shot. I put my fear a side and just did it. Then, once it was done. I wanted to cry.
Because, this is NOT how I thought us becoming parents would be. I did NOT think that we would have to do ALL of this. And it was VERY real at that moment. I am infertile, my body is defective, and this is NOT a sure shot that we will get pregnant. Even with all of our efforts.
It made me so sad. To think that it may never happen.
It also made me feel resentful to all the people who get easily pregnant and take it for granted; the pregnancy, the child(ren), being a parent. The whole entire thing that I so very much want.
And maybe with time, the pain will go away. I'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Some of my heroes.
In my life, I've been blessed to know three people who were young and dying of a terminal illness. They were my heroes. An inspiration because of not how they died, but because of how they lived.
All of them - Denise, Brian and Bobby - were courageous, intelligent, mature, caring, compassionate, and full of wisdom.
If they were concerned for their own mortality, they never showed it. They were always more concerned for the people left behind. A wisdom that they were lossing their lives, but that it was going to be hard for the ones left behind. Their loved ones. And they always seemed to care more about how we were going to handle it, than how they were handling dying.
It is inspirational. It is an example of how I would like to be. But I know that I am not.
So as someone who has been left behind and who remembers them. I try to continue their memory thru their example. See because two of them tried to keep us busy, to give us a productive way to mourn, by asking to continue their memory in supporting organizations or programs.
(A few weeks before Denise died, she asked to support organ donation. I have. Bobby asked to continue our support of the Brain Tumor Society.)
Ultimately, I feel that by doing what they asked of me; I'm given an opportunity to remember these amazing people and to help others who battle what they battled. Who are more than likely also more concerned for the ones left behind. Because I sincerely hope that their are no more left behind.
All of them - Denise, Brian and Bobby - were courageous, intelligent, mature, caring, compassionate, and full of wisdom.
If they were concerned for their own mortality, they never showed it. They were always more concerned for the people left behind. A wisdom that they were lossing their lives, but that it was going to be hard for the ones left behind. Their loved ones. And they always seemed to care more about how we were going to handle it, than how they were handling dying.
It is inspirational. It is an example of how I would like to be. But I know that I am not.
So as someone who has been left behind and who remembers them. I try to continue their memory thru their example. See because two of them tried to keep us busy, to give us a productive way to mourn, by asking to continue their memory in supporting organizations or programs.
(A few weeks before Denise died, she asked to support organ donation. I have. Bobby asked to continue our support of the Brain Tumor Society.)
Ultimately, I feel that by doing what they asked of me; I'm given an opportunity to remember these amazing people and to help others who battle what they battled. Who are more than likely also more concerned for the ones left behind. Because I sincerely hope that their are no more left behind.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Shuffling feet - hopeful look on face. Clearing throat.
I apologize for posting about this again. However, this is important to me. Any money that I am able to raise in Bobby's memory - well - it makes me feel closer to him. (I will post more about this thought process later.) So despite the fact, I KNOW that all of you are stretched when it comes to cash - well if you can spare $5 and if a hundred people can spare it, that totals $500. Which leads me to ask again.
***
As some of you may know, I have recently lost my cousin and friend Bobby. A strong and courageous 21-year-old to an eleven-year battle with brain cancer. Bobby his immediate family and friends have participated in this event for the past several years and raised money as individual riders. This year we have created a team of over 25 family members and friends to ride this May In Memory Of Bobby. We have named the team Bobby's Bikers. Our goal is to raise $10,000.00 this year, as of today we have raised $4,925.00. Our goal of $10,000.00 would double what we raised all together as individual riders last year. As a family, we feel that it is our duty to continue to raise awareness and do our part to help find a cure. We cannot get our Bobby back but we can help someone from losing one of his or her loved ones, or someone you may even know.
And if you are asking how does this effect me? I would like for you to think of the following:
1. If you don't know of anyone with a brain tumor as of yet - chances are that you will in your lifetime.
2. Statistics show that over 200,000 people are diagnosed with some type of a brain tumor each year.
3. There are over 120 different types of brain tumors. This makes treatment very difficult. Whether it is malignant or benign it can be just as injurious or life threatening.
4. These tumors are the leading cause of cancer deaths in children under the age of 20. The numbers of deaths have surpassed acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
5. It is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in male adults ages 20-29 and the fifth leading cause of cancer deaths in female adults ages 20-39.
Does this information surprise you? Despite all of the statistical numbers and all the deaths,brain cancer research is severely under funded and most of the public remains unaware of the magnitude of this disease. The cure rate for most brain tumors is greatly lower than that of many other types of cancer.
Helping us raise awareness and participating in The Ride For Research is important.
Please help us reach our goal by making a donation, any donation big or small is greatly appreciated. Remember, no donation is too small and all donations are tax
deductible. You may make any donation online or you may use this form to mail it in. However, the online version of donation does allow for annonymous donations.
Thank you in advance for your generous help, and remember you are helping a good cause.
Sincerely, Dianne
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Approved
Yes, it is a small miracle, but the insurance has approved the 3 injectible IUIs in two days. And I am in complete and total shock. We will not have to sit out this cycle. (Well, if the online pharmacy calls me today, and I am able to get my drugs by tomorrow.)
I hate all this precise timing - no room for error. It makes me nervous.
Also, have any of you been on G*nal-f? If so, what are the pleasant (said with irony) side effects of the drug?
I hate all this precise timing - no room for error. It makes me nervous.
Also, have any of you been on G*nal-f? If so, what are the pleasant (said with irony) side effects of the drug?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hi Aunt Flo
Spotting this morning. Oh well. Hoping that the insurance approval is in before she comes for real, so that we don't need to wait two whole cycles to do IUI #2 with G*nal-f.
Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.
Mental Notes:
Nausea is possible without a pregnancy during the Luteal Phase. (Clomid/HCG - DPI9)
Luteal Phase is longer with the HCG shot - approximately 17 days.
Infertility SUCKS.
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