I'm reposting this request. Tomorrow is the day to make a new day for AMS. This is a such a small thing, but it will make a huge difference. Please click. Thank you!
A New Day from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Election
This article could have been written about myself and my beloved. Although, we have been married/together long enough that we acknowledge the fact that we cancel eachother out.
But, after the 2004 election, I was in a state of morning until the inauguration. T still talks about with a snicker. Err....Republicans!
The roles have reversed - since T isn't a 100% proud of what his candidate has done in the last eight years.
'I Don't Know Who I'm Married To'
Political differences shake bipartisan relationships
By Jeremy Egner
Lindsay Wright had been married to her husband, Brian, for only a few months last fall when she realized their relationship wasn't as harmonious as she had thought.
In fact, she recalled recently, things were cruising along nicely until a casual kitchen-table revelation rocked the Wrights' newlywed bliss.
"It was like an explosion went off within our house," says Lindsay, a Phoenix attorney.
What triggered the flare-up and the two days of bickering that followed? Some financial blunder? An admission of infidelity?
Actually, it was an online candidate quiz.
Brian, it seems, wasn't as conservative as Lindsay, a longtime registered Republican, had believed. He expressed sentiments while they were dating that led Lindsay to think they saw eye to eye politically, she says. But as Brian answered quiz questions about his political positions, Lindsay learned that they held nearly opposite views on hot-button issues such as Social Security and gun control, among others.
"Health care, oh God, that was huge," Lindsay says, audibly exasperated. "I called my friend the next day and said, 'I don't know who I'm married to.'"
Political differences don't generate as much heat as other marital friction points, such as disagreements over finances or parenting strategy, according to couples therapists and other experts.
Notable couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville, married political consultants from opposite parties, prove that bipartisan relationships can and do work. Only 15 percent of respondents to a January survey by Engage.com, an online matchmaking site, said they would not date someone simply because they belonged to a different party.
But during the election season, political differences between partners become magnified as stump rhetoric intensifies, yard signs proliferate and wall-to-wall campaign coverage consumes even the most casual political observer.
As a result, cracks can emerge in the shaky détente forged by couples who normally agree to disagree politically, say those living amid the crossfire.
"Our differences never gave me pause about our relationship," says Beth, a self- described "flaming liberal" Washington attorney who declined to give her last name because she works with government agencies. "But when he voted to re-elect George W. Bush, it set me off. I was literally angry and I yelled at him."
Had the couple lived in a so-called swing state instead of overwhelmingly Democratic D.C., "I might have divorced him at that moment," she says.
Beth, who was pregnant at the time, admitted that "hormones" might have fueled her vitriol. But her husband isn't taking any chances.
"Now he doesn't tell me who he's voting for," Beth says.
Different, not wrong
Is secrecy the key to forming a more perfect union between political opposites?
A more positive approach, say couples therapists, is for partners to learn how to disagree without making it personal.
That's easier said than done. Broad political affiliations comprise many specific and often quite personal stances on issues that affect nearly every facet of life.
Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif.-based therapist and author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," acknowledges that individuals' political beliefs about how the U.S. should care for the poor and the sick, defend its citizens and pay for its schools and roads are closely tied to how they define themselves as people. In other words, when someone says your positions on these issues are wrong, it's easy to interpret it as a personal attack and respond in kind.
"You get into a courtroom drama, trying to prove that your side is right by saying bad things about the other person's point of view," Tessina says. "The minute you get into who's right and who's wrong, you have a never-ending battle because a person is always right from his or her own perspective."
Communicating political differences
Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and therapist based in New Canaan, Conn., teaches quarrelsome couples a three-step communication process based on "hearing, validating and empathizing," she says.
The first sounds self-explanatory but instructs people to actually listen to what their partners are saying rather than simply plot their counterattacks. Validation comes when someone acknowledges that a partner or spouse is making a reasonable point, even if it's not one that he or she agrees with, Olson says.
"It's not about agreeing with a person," she says. "It's being able to see and hear another person's point of view."
Empathy, the "hardest piece," comes when a spouse summons enough compassion to understand, based on what's been said, how a partner can feel the way they do, Olson says.
Such systematic approaches don't come naturally. But once mastered, they can be applied to all sorts of conflicts, political and otherwise.
"It's not unlike learning to play golf or a sport," Olson says. "It's all about building skills."
To each his own
It doesn't help that political media coverage reinforces the "right vs. wrong" dynamic by obsessing over the horse-race aspect of elections, Tessina notes.
"They treat it like a sporting event instead of as intelligent discourse," she says. "But when you're talking with your partner, intelligent discourse is really, really important."
Since the blowup last fall, the Wrights have learned to tread more carefully around touchy issues, Lindsay says. They do agree on some controversial subjects such as abortion and gay marriage. Lindsay would register as an Independent if it still allowed her to vote in primaries, she says, and tend to discuss such topics more often than contentious ones.
Where they differ, they try to remain civil instead of "getting passionate about it," she says. As long as Brian's position seems well considered, she can respect it, she says.
Love, kids & politics
Together for nearly 25 years, Judy and Joe Musa of Middletown, N.J., have had plenty of time to practice setting partisanship aside in the name of a happy home.
Joe, a pastry chef, is a registered Republican who campaigned for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Judy, a public relations and marketing professional, is a liberal Independent, she says.
"This is the woman I love; what can I tell you?" Joe says. "We just have to go on realizing that we cancel each other out."
The current election has been somewhat calmer than past contests, Joe says, because neither partner is thrilled by the choices.
"I have issues with my guy, and she has issues with the two on her side," he says. "I'm just going to hold my nose and pull the lever."
The Musas toned down their occasionally heated political spats after they had children, Judy says. Their kids, ages 6 and 4, are too young to distinguish between political debates and actual fights, she says.
But what happens when they get a little older? Will the Musas vie to sway their kids' political affiliation?
"Actually, I like that my kids will realize that there are many points of view in America," Judy says. "Nobody's perfect, nobody's right. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinion."
"I have to say, I'm the one who writes the check out for Joe's subscription to the National Review," Judy says. "I'm open-minded enough to say, 'If you want to read that thing, go read it.'"
"What can I say?" she adds. "I'm a loving wife."
But, after the 2004 election, I was in a state of morning until the inauguration. T still talks about with a snicker. Err....Republicans!
The roles have reversed - since T isn't a 100% proud of what his candidate has done in the last eight years.
'I Don't Know Who I'm Married To'
Political differences shake bipartisan relationships
By Jeremy Egner
Lindsay Wright had been married to her husband, Brian, for only a few months last fall when she realized their relationship wasn't as harmonious as she had thought.
In fact, she recalled recently, things were cruising along nicely until a casual kitchen-table revelation rocked the Wrights' newlywed bliss.
"It was like an explosion went off within our house," says Lindsay, a Phoenix attorney.
What triggered the flare-up and the two days of bickering that followed? Some financial blunder? An admission of infidelity?
Actually, it was an online candidate quiz.
Brian, it seems, wasn't as conservative as Lindsay, a longtime registered Republican, had believed. He expressed sentiments while they were dating that led Lindsay to think they saw eye to eye politically, she says. But as Brian answered quiz questions about his political positions, Lindsay learned that they held nearly opposite views on hot-button issues such as Social Security and gun control, among others.
"Health care, oh God, that was huge," Lindsay says, audibly exasperated. "I called my friend the next day and said, 'I don't know who I'm married to.'"
Political differences don't generate as much heat as other marital friction points, such as disagreements over finances or parenting strategy, according to couples therapists and other experts.
Notable couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville, married political consultants from opposite parties, prove that bipartisan relationships can and do work. Only 15 percent of respondents to a January survey by Engage.com, an online matchmaking site, said they would not date someone simply because they belonged to a different party.
But during the election season, political differences between partners become magnified as stump rhetoric intensifies, yard signs proliferate and wall-to-wall campaign coverage consumes even the most casual political observer.
As a result, cracks can emerge in the shaky détente forged by couples who normally agree to disagree politically, say those living amid the crossfire.
"Our differences never gave me pause about our relationship," says Beth, a self- described "flaming liberal" Washington attorney who declined to give her last name because she works with government agencies. "But when he voted to re-elect George W. Bush, it set me off. I was literally angry and I yelled at him."
Had the couple lived in a so-called swing state instead of overwhelmingly Democratic D.C., "I might have divorced him at that moment," she says.
Beth, who was pregnant at the time, admitted that "hormones" might have fueled her vitriol. But her husband isn't taking any chances.
"Now he doesn't tell me who he's voting for," Beth says.
Different, not wrong
Is secrecy the key to forming a more perfect union between political opposites?
A more positive approach, say couples therapists, is for partners to learn how to disagree without making it personal.
That's easier said than done. Broad political affiliations comprise many specific and often quite personal stances on issues that affect nearly every facet of life.
Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif.-based therapist and author of "Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," acknowledges that individuals' political beliefs about how the U.S. should care for the poor and the sick, defend its citizens and pay for its schools and roads are closely tied to how they define themselves as people. In other words, when someone says your positions on these issues are wrong, it's easy to interpret it as a personal attack and respond in kind.
"You get into a courtroom drama, trying to prove that your side is right by saying bad things about the other person's point of view," Tessina says. "The minute you get into who's right and who's wrong, you have a never-ending battle because a person is always right from his or her own perspective."
Communicating political differences
Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and therapist based in New Canaan, Conn., teaches quarrelsome couples a three-step communication process based on "hearing, validating and empathizing," she says.
The first sounds self-explanatory but instructs people to actually listen to what their partners are saying rather than simply plot their counterattacks. Validation comes when someone acknowledges that a partner or spouse is making a reasonable point, even if it's not one that he or she agrees with, Olson says.
"It's not about agreeing with a person," she says. "It's being able to see and hear another person's point of view."
Empathy, the "hardest piece," comes when a spouse summons enough compassion to understand, based on what's been said, how a partner can feel the way they do, Olson says.
Such systematic approaches don't come naturally. But once mastered, they can be applied to all sorts of conflicts, political and otherwise.
"It's not unlike learning to play golf or a sport," Olson says. "It's all about building skills."
To each his own
It doesn't help that political media coverage reinforces the "right vs. wrong" dynamic by obsessing over the horse-race aspect of elections, Tessina notes.
"They treat it like a sporting event instead of as intelligent discourse," she says. "But when you're talking with your partner, intelligent discourse is really, really important."
Since the blowup last fall, the Wrights have learned to tread more carefully around touchy issues, Lindsay says. They do agree on some controversial subjects such as abortion and gay marriage. Lindsay would register as an Independent if it still allowed her to vote in primaries, she says, and tend to discuss such topics more often than contentious ones.
Where they differ, they try to remain civil instead of "getting passionate about it," she says. As long as Brian's position seems well considered, she can respect it, she says.
Love, kids & politics
Together for nearly 25 years, Judy and Joe Musa of Middletown, N.J., have had plenty of time to practice setting partisanship aside in the name of a happy home.
Joe, a pastry chef, is a registered Republican who campaigned for Ronald Reagan in the 1980s. Judy, a public relations and marketing professional, is a liberal Independent, she says.
"This is the woman I love; what can I tell you?" Joe says. "We just have to go on realizing that we cancel each other out."
The current election has been somewhat calmer than past contests, Joe says, because neither partner is thrilled by the choices.
"I have issues with my guy, and she has issues with the two on her side," he says. "I'm just going to hold my nose and pull the lever."
The Musas toned down their occasionally heated political spats after they had children, Judy says. Their kids, ages 6 and 4, are too young to distinguish between political debates and actual fights, she says.
But what happens when they get a little older? Will the Musas vie to sway their kids' political affiliation?
"Actually, I like that my kids will realize that there are many points of view in America," Judy says. "Nobody's perfect, nobody's right. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinion."
"I have to say, I'm the one who writes the check out for Joe's subscription to the National Review," Judy says. "I'm open-minded enough to say, 'If you want to read that thing, go read it.'"
"What can I say?" she adds. "I'm a loving wife."
Please help.
A New Dayfrom Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters by The Town Criers
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
I ask you to do a lot. This time, it is simply a small click. Perhaps more than once during the day, maybe moving around to different computers if you work in a space with multiple computers. I, for one, am hitting a local library where I can log-on each computer and click once.
It is such an enormously small thing--a click.
The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.
On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.
We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.
We just raised $3000 for a FET. We can raise a couple thousand hits. Are you with me?
Can this be U.T.E.R.U.S.'s last spring fling before we have a quick nap? Isn't it all about sending love when it really comes down to it? Reminding a person that they're never alone in all of this?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
My first experience with Pilates....
On Monday, I ventured to the gym for my first Pilates class.
I felt accomplished before the teacher started - I introduced myself to three women! Then we started to perform pilates. My stomach muscles were the first to quiver. I thought to myself, oh boy.
About twenty minutes into the class, I realized I was in a bit of trouble.
And by the end, I knew I was in trouble and pain.
It only continued into Tuesday, that night, T openly laughed at me. You know it is bad, when I was grunting in my sleep trying to find a comfortable spot.
By Wednesday, I was still sore, but thought that movement might help. So I went back to the gym. This time I avoided the pilates class and used the bike.
Once I got home I did some yoga stretches specifically for the hips. And today I feel better.
I know why people do pilates, you most definitely will get into shape - if you do it consistently. But, is there a way to do it without the pain?
I guess that is where "no pain, no gain" comes from.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My former boss...
I worked for him as an intern and as staff member. In that year, I met him only three times and he would never be able to pick me out of a line up. But, the news regarding his health issues, saddens me.
Ironically, his tumor (at this preliminary stage of information) is identical to my cousin Bobby's tumor.
I feel guilty, and my thoughts and prayers are with him, but, at least, there will be a recognizable face to be associated with this terrible infliction. Awareness and hopefully promotion of organizations like the Brain Tumor Society will aid finding a cure.
I'd like to think that his death (and Bobby's) will not be in vane.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Pleasing myself.
This weekend with a minor break down/break though. I came to a few realizations with T’s help.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been sad for a few reasons:
1. My friends are few and far between.
2. I feel lost and need to find my plan B.
Most of my friends don’t live around here. I have a few acquaintances which have potential to be better friends, but I don’t always reach out. I automatically assume individuals are too busy and they may be, but who am I to say? Unless I ask, I’ll never know.
Also, I don’t network or make friends easily. I need to get out there and meet people. It is something that I’ve tried before, but admittedly with no success. I am a little shy in that respect and usually let people come to me. But, since that isn’t working, I am on a mission.
Today was a little slow at work. With some extra time and my recent realization, I found two book clubs, a few pilates and yoga classes, and a graduate program which interests me. Hopefully that will open a few doors.
I also found a graduate program that interests me, looking into the possibility of taking a class in the fall – to try it out.
Lets see what happens with plan B.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been sad for a few reasons:
1. My friends are few and far between.
2. I feel lost and need to find my plan B.
Most of my friends don’t live around here. I have a few acquaintances which have potential to be better friends, but I don’t always reach out. I automatically assume individuals are too busy and they may be, but who am I to say? Unless I ask, I’ll never know.
Also, I don’t network or make friends easily. I need to get out there and meet people. It is something that I’ve tried before, but admittedly with no success. I am a little shy in that respect and usually let people come to me. But, since that isn’t working, I am on a mission.
Today was a little slow at work. With some extra time and my recent realization, I found two book clubs, a few pilates and yoga classes, and a graduate program which interests me. Hopefully that will open a few doors.
I also found a graduate program that interests me, looking into the possibility of taking a class in the fall – to try it out.
Lets see what happens with plan B.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Conversations which continued the twist.....
I received a call from my mother. She starts off normally. "Where are you? Have you eaten? What are you making for dinner? How is T?"
The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.
She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."
I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."
She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"
I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."
I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.
She responds, "I need to go."
"O.K., bye."
*****
My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:
M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."
Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"
M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)
M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)
M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."
Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)
M's Friend: "Exactly."
M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."
Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."
*****
We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.
Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)
M: With a giggle, "I did."
Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"
M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)
Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."
M: "What?"
Mom: "I never said that?"
Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"
Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."
M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"
Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.
M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.
*****
We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.
I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."
I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.
Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.
I wished her well on my way out.
*****
On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.
They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I've refused to even vocalize it with T.
It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.
My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.
The general questions that she asks out of obligation. Never to really hear my answers or acknowledge me.
She goes on. "I wonder when M and M will start to have kids."
I respond, "You know they may not be able to, shit happens."
She responds, "Don't say that! Don't wish anything bad on your sister!"
I respond, "Is that what happened to me, someone wished something bad on me? Shit happens. Life doesn't go as planned. It may not happen."
I think to myself, and your pressure is not helping nor is it going to move things along.
She responds, "I need to go."
"O.K., bye."
*****
My sister, her friend and I are having lunch/dinner after an eight hour shopping trip. Our feet hurt and our hands are full. The conversation changes:
M: "M thinks we should start "trying" next May after S & S's wedding. When we will be in great shape."
Me: "You are all ready in great shape. How about T's birthday cruise?"
M: "I know I'm in good shape, I guess it is for him. (Said with a smile.) We are definitely going on the cruise. Babies can go?" (I shake my head yes.)
M's Friend: "Not that you have to worry about his body, your body is the one that will be changing!" (We all laugh.)
M: "M thinks we will get pregnant quick. You know he thinks he has super sperm."
Me: "I hope you have a few super eggs." (We all laugh.)
M's Friend: "Exactly."
M: "I know. Hopefully it will work out. Mom is all ready sitting me down and asking if I want kids. She is worried what to do with herself. And she is worried about what do with her money."
Me: "I hope you get pregnant quickly. I'll talk to her."
*****
We are celebrating Mother's day a day early. Since M & M need to leave for the Island the next day to work. My sister, myself and my mother are sitting waiting for a table. The boys are outside enjoying themselves catching up.
Me: "Who closed my bag?" (It's a bucket style.)
M: With a giggle, "I did."
Mom: "Oh she didn't know that she could close the bag?"
M: "She knew that she could close the bag, she isn't stupid."
(M and I look at eachother in amazement. When my mind flashes to other conversations.)
Me: "She thinks I'm stupid. (Said with realization.) She did try to tell me that I was having sex wrong."
M: "What?"
Mom: "I never said that?"
Me: "Just like you never said that I was a disgrace and disappointment if I never gave you grandchildren? Like that time?"
Mom: Looks away. "I never said that."
M: Said to me, but my mother is in the middle of us. "Do you know she is all stressed about us possibly having kids on the Island? Who will help us take care of the baby?"
Me: Said to my mother, "Why don't you move?" Silently praying that she does. So that it can be M's responsibility to try and please her.
M: Looking at my mother, "I will not try as hard as Dianne did."
Silence for a short while.
*****
We are all sitting down. The waitress starts to take our orders. My mother is hemming and hawing. She prefers to order what I or M are ordering. But, she doesn't want what we are having.
I look at T and say, "I'll just order the filet."
T: "Why?"
M: "Because she is trying to please Mom."
I realize that she is right, I'm always trying to please a woman who is never happy. I order what I wanted.
Then the waitress announced to our table she was pregnant and what kinds of food she is been enjoying off the menue.
I wished her well on my way out.
*****
On Thursday, I watched Grey's and it clicks why I've been letting all of these conversations and so many others - errode my mind and heart in the last week.
They are my loved ones and no one else is allowed to talk badly about them. She is my mother. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I've refused to even vocalize it with T.
It is just that I've been able to accept her as a person for who she is, by trying to understand her past. Maybe by being an adult myself, I can understand why she is the way she is. But, when it comes to her as my mother, I don't understand. And am hurt by so many things.
My therapist said once that I wanted to be a mother to show my mother how it was done. There is so much truth in that statement. It is twisted.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Twisted
A few weeks ago, I was driving into work on a clear blue sky day. The windows were down and I thought to myself I feel good. Sun shinning brightly, a slight cool breeze, a beautiful day – how could I not?
That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”
At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.
This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.
If I had a miscarriage, I would know:
the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.
the joy of life growing inside of me.
the hope and love which that brings.
the right to grieve.
And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.
Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.
That same day, I received an email from a friend from high school. She is a few years younger. She knows of our infertility. In the last few years our emails would include me explaining ART to her and what stage we were in. This email started off like every other, catching up, and then it twisted. She says, “I had a miscarriage.”
At first, I comforted. As the conversation goes on, she proceeds to tell me about the differences of a chemical miscarriage and a late term. I told her, “I may not have ever been pregnant, but I know very well what a miscarriage is and the differences.” I’m offended and I quickly end the conversation.
This conversation and my reaction bothered me. I looked at it as objectively as possible and I realize that I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages. (I can hear the gasp of WTF? And apologize in advance.) But, let me explain.
If I had a miscarriage, I would know:
the joy of telling my husband, parents, and sister that we were expecting.
the joy of life growing inside of me.
the hope and love which that brings.
the right to grieve.
And I know in my heart of hearts that it is ridiculous. In the same time, I feel like it would have been something to show for all of our hard work. Someone to mourn in a more tangible manner. It would be devastating. But, I would have that child to forever love and know that he/she would be waiting for me when I die.
Twisted, that is how I feel lately, twisted.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Happy Sunday!
As I know many a woman who are care givers without being mothers - I am wishing everyone a Happy Sunday! For the Mom's, I hope it is a special day for you too!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Pallanca
When I was in college, I attended two spiritual/religious retreats. A special part of those retreats were letters called "Pallancas." They were meant to be pulleys/levers to bring up the spirit. I guess a part of me is seeking that with my Wondering post.
I thank all of you who responded and for those who didn't but have left me comments in the past - you have provided me many pallancas, unknowningly, for all most two years. I value your words more than I can say.
The other reason for that post is that lately, I feel slighted, judged, and misplaced. Not by anyone has commented here. But, in other blogs, with family, by life and I don't know where I belong. I am far from over this thing called infertility. And yet, I don't belong with people deep in the trenches. I didn't go as far as IVF - eventhough I feel like I've felt my fair share of pain. My problem is when anyone tries to compare or quantify pain - I tend to loose. But, alas, isn't that my problem.
My mind keeps on going back to last August and my Grandfather's funeral. My Aunt was talking to my Grandfather's sister-in-law (his second marriage). They were talking about her pending grandchild. How she waited a long while for her daughter, and my Aunt chimes in "It took my daughter a while too." I couldn't help it, my eyes bugged out of my head and I was nearly yelling, "Really that was a long time! She has a beautiful boy in her arms in less than a year. But that was a long time!" But instead I stayed quiet and I let the quantification occur because she had an early miscarriage.
Later the next day, when we were burying our Grandfather, we passed a beautiful statue. (I wish I had a photo.) It was in memorium of all children who were miscarried. My cousin made a comment because she wanted to vocalize her pain.
I yearned for a place to mourn the children of my dreams. But did it in silence. Those scenes replay in my head. I sometimes feel that they are in constant replay.
This blog, from its creation, has been the place for my mourning. Please don't take this offensively, because I am very appreciative of this space. But I am only allowed to mourn with strangers. I've never been allowed to have a service or even talk about it with my mother and not have it all about me.
Goodness, what was suppose to be a post to thank, it has turned into a post of "woes is me."
Sadly, I can't explain it - but here I don't have too. Here I can say, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being my pallancas in this place of great solitude. Thank you for allowing me to grieve without quanitification or judgment.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
So funny I had to share!
The Wife's Bill of Rights
By Jill Adler
Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.
Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
Jill Adler is a freelance writer based in Salt Lake City. When she's not researching relationships, she edits a bi-monthly sports publication in Utah, is a film and television actor, and is a PSIA Level III certified ski instructor. You can reach her at www.jilladler.com.
The Flip Side
The Husband's Bill of Rights
By Craig Playstead
Preamble:
We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
Craig Playstead is a freelance writer and happily married father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle. In the past he's also been a sports writer, online editor, and talk show host. You can reach him at playstead@hotmail.com.
By Jill Adler
Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.
Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.
Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.
Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.
Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?
Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.
Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.
Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.
Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.
Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.
Jill Adler is a freelance writer based in Salt Lake City. When she's not researching relationships, she edits a bi-monthly sports publication in Utah, is a film and television actor, and is a PSIA Level III certified ski instructor. You can reach her at www.jilladler.com.
The Flip Side
The Husband's Bill of Rights
By Craig Playstead
Preamble:
We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.
Amendment I
We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."
Amendment II
We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.
Amendment III
We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.
Amendment IV
We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.
Amendment V
We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.
Amendment VI
We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.
Amendment VII
We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.
Amendment VIII
We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.
Amendment IX
We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.
Amendment X
We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.
Craig Playstead is a freelance writer and happily married father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle. In the past he's also been a sports writer, online editor, and talk show host. You can reach him at playstead@hotmail.com.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Donating feels good :).
Last week, I saw a version of this story on the T0DAY show. And I thought to myself – WOW - they are right. (Love articles that validate a good thing.) It feels good to do something for others.
So I donated here and here.
Both causes are near and dear to my heart. If you feel inclined, I invite you to do the same.
Feel good while doing something good.
So I donated here and here.
Both causes are near and dear to my heart. If you feel inclined, I invite you to do the same.
Feel good while doing something good.
Wondering
I may be kicking a gift horse in the mouth (Who made that phrase up?). But, why do you read me?
I have a stat counter and am always baffled as to why people read. When I was deep in the trenches - I could understand. I had something to say. Now, I think I'm boring. My thoughts are so far different. And I am often at a loss at what to post. OK, so I guess I would appreciate some delurking. And honest answers. Maybe I can spice this thing up a bit. My blogging habits have been very poor this year.
On other news....
T has gotten back from Argentina. He had a fabulous time and is trying to convince me to buy a place there. The poor man is dilusional. Love him to pieces, but CRAZY! Where does he think we have extra money?
While he was away, I did the following:
1. All Spring cleaning.
2. Collected 6 trash bags of clothing for donation.
3. Ton of shopping. (I guess some good deeds are rewarded!)
4. Started to shred old paper work. (Yeah I don't think I need receipts from 2002.)
5. Transfered savings accounts to a high yield online bank - becoming addicted to transferring money into savings.
It was a very productive time. But, I am very glad that T is home. I missed my sweet.
I have a stat counter and am always baffled as to why people read. When I was deep in the trenches - I could understand. I had something to say. Now, I think I'm boring. My thoughts are so far different. And I am often at a loss at what to post. OK, so I guess I would appreciate some delurking. And honest answers. Maybe I can spice this thing up a bit. My blogging habits have been very poor this year.
On other news....
T has gotten back from Argentina. He had a fabulous time and is trying to convince me to buy a place there. The poor man is dilusional. Love him to pieces, but CRAZY! Where does he think we have extra money?
While he was away, I did the following:
1. All Spring cleaning.
2. Collected 6 trash bags of clothing for donation.
3. Ton of shopping. (I guess some good deeds are rewarded!)
4. Started to shred old paper work. (Yeah I don't think I need receipts from 2002.)
5. Transfered savings accounts to a high yield online bank - becoming addicted to transferring money into savings.
It was a very productive time. But, I am very glad that T is home. I missed my sweet.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The Damage
Well ladies, since I dragged you into my quest, I think I should notify you of my loot. Everything was on sale!
The loot: 3 pairs of jeans (Mavi, DKNY, and Seven), pair of sneakers, 3 pairs of khakis, a purse, and 6 tops.
I think I'm not allowed to go shopping for a long while. Good thing that this is unusual for me.
So much for not owning designer jeans...but when they were on sale and cheaper than no name brands...it was hard to pass up on the deal!
The loot: 3 pairs of jeans (Mavi, DKNY, and Seven), pair of sneakers, 3 pairs of khakis, a purse, and 6 tops.
I think I'm not allowed to go shopping for a long while. Good thing that this is unusual for me.
So much for not owning designer jeans...but when they were on sale and cheaper than no name brands...it was hard to pass up on the deal!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Distractions
T has gone on his boy's vacation to Argentina. So what is a girl to do? I went shoe shopping. Actually it was unintentional. I went to P*yless at lunch and struck pay dirt (three pairs). I love cute flats. Perfect for work in my very casual office.
So, a question for you ladies/gents. (Not discriminating - I'll take all the help I can get and from anyone.) I am in desperate need of new jeans. And the ones I swore by (J. Cr*w) are no longer working or that they are just worn (too many washes). But, since the internet has helped me in the past, I thought I'd ask you all. What are your favorite brands for jeans?
Especially if you are 5 feet 9 inches, average weight, with no hips, and plenty of butt (baby got back!). :)
Thank you in advance for your help!
Friday, March 28, 2008
How my mind works.
I spent the morning thinking and worrying about taxes. T and I go tonight to get them done and I can’t help but feel that we will get screwed again. Last year felt like a big waste of money. And I have the receipts to prove it.
When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.
Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.
The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.
And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.
But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.
The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.
Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.
Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.
I wonder?
If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?
I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.
My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.
How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.
When I came across Pam’s entry, that has a bit about grieving the biological bond of adoption. And it got my mind rolling about the topic which I’ve been trying to avoid – adoption.
Every time I stumble upon a post about adoption, it haunts me in a way. I want to post or may be it is that I need to post. Mostly because I know that I need to sort my feelings out. But every time I start to put things down, I realize how much I’ve changed since infertility, and it was not all for the better.
The biggest change is my view on adoption for myself. When I look at it from the outside, I think it is admirable on both sides. The birth parents and adoptive parents are equally honorable people. Both are making huge decisions for various reasons. And I admire the whole process. I also acknowledge how much work is involved to be approved and to parent.
And even as recent as October of 2006, I looked at our situation and thought that adoption could our solution. It obviously has better odds than IVF. When you realistically only have money for one or the other…it seems to be the most logical.
But, then Bobby died and then my Grandfather. And more and more I missed them. I realized how badly I wanted that biological connection. Hearing T talk about his father – no doubt that he would love to see his father in his child. The fact that when I imagine our child, I always have them reminding me of their father, grandfathers, grandparents, cousins and everyone else who may have passed but was still in my heart.
The yearning of that biological connection has overpowered my want of a child.
Until I can get over that want, I don’t think adoption is an option for us. I know that if T pushed for it, I would succumb and probably be very happy with that decision.
Also, I wonder if my feelings (although triggered by loss) have been increased because of my parents and family. None of my relatives have been adopted. I come from very large families (one of 21 grandchildren on one side and one of nine on the other). For the most part, my family are full of fertile individuals. The few relatives (four total – 3 second/third cousins and 1 first cousin) that have not been able to conceive have chosen to remain childless.
I wonder?
If the thought that I would be breaking ground **AGAIN** holds me back? To be frank, it hasn’t been easy to break ground with my family. I don’t get emotional support from them. And I worry how they would react to an adoption. I worry how they would behave around my adoptive child. If they could/would accept my adoptive child?
I am painting an ugly picture, I don’t mean to. I’ve learned a long time ago, that I cannot change them and only accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I know their limitations, as well as, I know their lack of filters between their heads and mouths. I know that they are prone for inappropriate comments. It worries me what may be said.
My head is completely confused, my heart has full of fear, no wonder I have no idea what to think. This option is mind boggling for me.
How I wish I could just drink a bottle of wine, have a romp with my husband, and wait 91/2 months. Oh well, I am not one of the lucky.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Easter 2008
Last year in anticipation of Easter I wrote this post.
It is funny what a difference a year makes. Last year, I was anxiety ridden over an invite to a friends’ home because I didn’t know how to answer the questions. This year, I could careless if they ask the question. Now, I have such a different knee jerk reaction. I will gladly answer it – truthfully.
“Oh we tried for years. We tried medications and procedures. No, we haven’t tried IVF. Mostly because I was not emotionally ready to go thru that procedure. We’ve decided to take a year off. We are trying out “living childfree.” And right now it seems to fit nicely. We will see how it goes.”
And if they have more questions, I have answers now.
Maybe my new found confidence has come from two separate incidents. Let me tell you about them.
Scene: New Year’s Eve. We were at T’s best friend’s home that he shares with his wife (my friend K) and four children. Another couple was there with their youngest. The conversation went like this:
Woman: How long have you two been married?
Me: Five years.
Woman: Do you have children? (Accompanied with look of judgment.)
Me: We tried for about three years.
T: Now, we are trying to see how life would be without kids.
Woman: Oh. (Look of horror.)
Me: (Serves you right.)
Scene: T’s Grandmother’s deathbed. T’s cousin (a new father to a 10 month old boy) came to pay his respects and begins to boast about his son. He turns to T and asks so when will you two try?
T: We did, for a long time.
C: Oh, how long?
Aunt: Did you try IVF?
Me: Three years. We did everything but. It is the next step procedurally.
T: We are taking the year off. And we will figure out what we want to do then. IVF, adopt or live without children.
Aunt: But you never know, you’re young.
Me: We have less than 0.02% chance conceiving naturally.
Aunt: Oh. (Looking at me with horror.)
I guess, I am at the point where I almost want people to ask the question. So that I can be honest, and make them feel as uncomfortable as they make me feel. This isn’t the nice side of Dianne. Oh well!
On that note, enjoy your Easter Holiday. And may it be full with love, blessings, and holiness.
It is funny what a difference a year makes. Last year, I was anxiety ridden over an invite to a friends’ home because I didn’t know how to answer the questions. This year, I could careless if they ask the question. Now, I have such a different knee jerk reaction. I will gladly answer it – truthfully.
“Oh we tried for years. We tried medications and procedures. No, we haven’t tried IVF. Mostly because I was not emotionally ready to go thru that procedure. We’ve decided to take a year off. We are trying out “living childfree.” And right now it seems to fit nicely. We will see how it goes.”
And if they have more questions, I have answers now.
Maybe my new found confidence has come from two separate incidents. Let me tell you about them.
Scene: New Year’s Eve. We were at T’s best friend’s home that he shares with his wife (my friend K) and four children. Another couple was there with their youngest. The conversation went like this:
Woman: How long have you two been married?
Me: Five years.
Woman: Do you have children? (Accompanied with look of judgment.)
Me: We tried for about three years.
T: Now, we are trying to see how life would be without kids.
Woman: Oh. (Look of horror.)
Me: (Serves you right.)
Scene: T’s Grandmother’s deathbed. T’s cousin (a new father to a 10 month old boy) came to pay his respects and begins to boast about his son. He turns to T and asks so when will you two try?
T: We did, for a long time.
C: Oh, how long?
Aunt: Did you try IVF?
Me: Three years. We did everything but. It is the next step procedurally.
T: We are taking the year off. And we will figure out what we want to do then. IVF, adopt or live without children.
Aunt: But you never know, you’re young.
Me: We have less than 0.02% chance conceiving naturally.
Aunt: Oh. (Looking at me with horror.)
I guess, I am at the point where I almost want people to ask the question. So that I can be honest, and make them feel as uncomfortable as they make me feel. This isn’t the nice side of Dianne. Oh well!
On that note, enjoy your Easter Holiday. And may it be full with love, blessings, and holiness.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Update
Erin asked for me to share. The truth is I don’t feel like I have much to share, and at the same time so much.
It is really my mind set that is changing. During TTC, EVERY decision was preempted with the question “What if I’m pregnant?”
As a result, we never would have booked a trip 10 months and a year away. I would of considered it a gamble. We actually passed on a trip to Italy, offered to us the first month we were trying and I still regret not going. It has been 31/2 years, and I still have that regret.
So since this is the year is turning into the year of refocusing, I thought I’d give some updates on my new year’s resolutions too:
1. The Business. The name, policies, and the logistics are complete. Currently, I am completing my samples. And it is taking me a while longer than I expected, because I am a bit of a perfectionist.
2. Gym: I’ve failed miserably. Between crazy work hours and being sick for most of the month of February – I haven’t made it as much as I wanted to. But, hoping that I will be able to really get into this soon.
3. Zone Diet: I have started to reintroduce it, but I have nothing to show for it. I think this is because I need to really get to the gym!
4. Finances. We’ve refinanced and consolidated. Made arrangements for better savings. It is coming together.
And for a little bit more random, I have an update on my Acne post. Well, the product I started back in November was OK, but it left me with some acne. It obviously wasn’t the perfect solution.
Ellen, about a month back ago did a meme that boasted about Pr*activ. I had always shied away because I have dry skin. But, then I started hearing an add for their Green Tea Moisturizer, so I thought what do I have to loose?
I have been using the stuff for about a week today, and all of the acne I had is vanishing, as well as, my blackheads. I wish that I had done a before shot, because it is really amazing.
Ultimately, things are going well :).
It is really my mind set that is changing. During TTC, EVERY decision was preempted with the question “What if I’m pregnant?”
As a result, we never would have booked a trip 10 months and a year away. I would of considered it a gamble. We actually passed on a trip to Italy, offered to us the first month we were trying and I still regret not going. It has been 31/2 years, and I still have that regret.
So since this is the year is turning into the year of refocusing, I thought I’d give some updates on my new year’s resolutions too:
1. The Business. The name, policies, and the logistics are complete. Currently, I am completing my samples. And it is taking me a while longer than I expected, because I am a bit of a perfectionist.
2. Gym: I’ve failed miserably. Between crazy work hours and being sick for most of the month of February – I haven’t made it as much as I wanted to. But, hoping that I will be able to really get into this soon.
3. Zone Diet: I have started to reintroduce it, but I have nothing to show for it. I think this is because I need to really get to the gym!
4. Finances. We’ve refinanced and consolidated. Made arrangements for better savings. It is coming together.
And for a little bit more random, I have an update on my Acne post. Well, the product I started back in November was OK, but it left me with some acne. It obviously wasn’t the perfect solution.
Ellen, about a month back ago did a meme that boasted about Pr*activ. I had always shied away because I have dry skin. But, then I started hearing an add for their Green Tea Moisturizer, so I thought what do I have to loose?
I have been using the stuff for about a week today, and all of the acne I had is vanishing, as well as, my blackheads. I wish that I had done a before shot, because it is really amazing.
Ultimately, things are going well :).
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My Selfish Phase
When we first started to conceive, my first impulse was to talk to my friend S. She and her husband were married a few months before T and I. I tried to convince her that it may be time for her and B, to start trying.* See, I didn’t want to go down the road of parenthood alone. S turned to me and said, “I’m still in my selfish phase.”
To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.
I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.
Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”
During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.
This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.
That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.
I think I am entering my selfish phase.
But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.
*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.
To be honest, I didn’t understand the answer. “Selfish phase” I rolled it around my head and filed it away. Well, because we were going to be parents. I had something to plan for. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to prepare for the maybe baby.
I laugh at myself now. See, I had a plan of what a parent should be like. It was a combination of my own imagination and my own parents’ examples. But, it was an idea that my life is not my own. It is for my child. And once we started to conceive, I started to live my life that way.
Everything I did was for the maybe baby. The car I drive is a mommy’s car. My job could always be reduced hours and is near my parents. Two of the main reasons I took the position six months in to trying to conceive. It was chance that I really like my job. (Thank G-d!) Everything I did with the intent of “when we have children.”
During the three years of trying to conceive, we took breaks. But, they were breaks with hope. Of still monitoring ovulation and hoping against hope that it would happen by accident – al naturale. Those breaks were still full of anxiety, monitoring, and wishing. I was never able to find my sanity or self.
This break, with the help of the pill, is the only time that the “if” is out of the equation. It has been the only time which I have been able to breathe, regain my sanity and focus. I feel like I am regaining myself. The self before trying with knowledge of infertility.
That knowledge is what makes me feel more comfortable in this stage. Life without children, well, it has advantages and I am starting to like them. I am starting to do things for myself, for us, without the thought of what if. Taking the “if” out of the equation has brought me a great sense of security, peace.
I think I am entering my selfish phase.
But, I don’t think I will ever want to leave it. I know what lies in wait for me, if I leave it. I worries me, how comfortable I am becoming.
*S and B are the proud parents of a beautiful little eight month old girl.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Spring is in the air.
First thank you for your condolences. Nan, was a wonderful person and she will be missed very much. She is also the first person that I thought looked BEAUTIFUL at her wake. And knowing her, she would of loved that!
For the last few days, it has been super sunny here. Still cold, but sunny. And I am most definitely getting Spring fever. T goes away to Argentina soon, and I am devising a plan in how to clean the apartment from top to bottom while he is away. I am getting giddy at the thought of it! (I know I am a very sick woman.)
Also exciting, we have two vacations booked! One in December to Aruba with T's family. And the other next Spring to Jamaica. There may be a third to Las Vegas in September as well. My fingers are crossed that work will be slow enough for me to take time off. Oh I can't wait!
There is more going on, and I will post a meaningful post soon. It seems that my brain has started to turn off infertility, and turn on good things (for the most part). And I kind of like it that way.
For the last few days, it has been super sunny here. Still cold, but sunny. And I am most definitely getting Spring fever. T goes away to Argentina soon, and I am devising a plan in how to clean the apartment from top to bottom while he is away. I am getting giddy at the thought of it! (I know I am a very sick woman.)
Also exciting, we have two vacations booked! One in December to Aruba with T's family. And the other next Spring to Jamaica. There may be a third to Las Vegas in September as well. My fingers are crossed that work will be slow enough for me to take time off. Oh I can't wait!
There is more going on, and I will post a meaningful post soon. It seems that my brain has started to turn off infertility, and turn on good things (for the most part). And I kind of like it that way.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
February
It has been a rollercoaster of a month.
I won EE*Y for my department, and for the Corporate group.
T and I both got the flu. And were out sick for a whole week. We are still recovering from the cough portion.
Lastly, T's Nana died on Wednesday. She was a strong, fiesty, and determined woman. Widowed very young, she raised her three daughters and son alone. Over the years, I've gotten to know her and find a deep respect for her. (Unfortunately, she was never able to hear me - my voice is in the wrong octave.) She will be very missed.
I won EE*Y for my department, and for the Corporate group.
T and I both got the flu. And were out sick for a whole week. We are still recovering from the cough portion.
Lastly, T's Nana died on Wednesday. She was a strong, fiesty, and determined woman. Widowed very young, she raised her three daughters and son alone. Over the years, I've gotten to know her and find a deep respect for her. (Unfortunately, she was never able to hear me - my voice is in the wrong octave.) She will be very missed.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Who me?
I've been busy. All good things. But busy.
For the past couple of weeks I've been planning and putting together samples for my Calligraphy business. I've started a site and ordered business cards! (I'll share the site once it is more put together.)
On Saturday, I took a refresher class. Actually during the class my teacher was very encouraging. I told her that I had been doing this for about six years, but that I wanted to take a class to be sure I was doing it right. By the end of the class, she was telling me I could teach the class. Who me? Never thought of teaching, but if the opportunity comes up, it would be fun. Guess what, the woman who heads the various programs called me this week. Not sure if this an opportunity knocking or her calling to tell me that I forgot to pay for something. :) We keep on playing phone tag.
Then on Wednesday, we have our empl*yee of the year awards announced. Guess who won? Yeah, I did for my larger group. The C*mpany wide empl*yee of the entire company announcement happens later - I doubt it. Still I was shocked and very flattered. I got to read some of the nice things my fellow co-workers had to say about me and I was very overwhelmed.
It is just really nice to be noticed.
For the past couple of weeks I've been planning and putting together samples for my Calligraphy business. I've started a site and ordered business cards! (I'll share the site once it is more put together.)
On Saturday, I took a refresher class. Actually during the class my teacher was very encouraging. I told her that I had been doing this for about six years, but that I wanted to take a class to be sure I was doing it right. By the end of the class, she was telling me I could teach the class. Who me? Never thought of teaching, but if the opportunity comes up, it would be fun. Guess what, the woman who heads the various programs called me this week. Not sure if this an opportunity knocking or her calling to tell me that I forgot to pay for something. :) We keep on playing phone tag.
Then on Wednesday, we have our empl*yee of the year awards announced. Guess who won? Yeah, I did for my larger group. The C*mpany wide empl*yee of the entire company announcement happens later - I doubt it. Still I was shocked and very flattered. I got to read some of the nice things my fellow co-workers had to say about me and I was very overwhelmed.
It is just really nice to be noticed.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
I hope you have a wonderful day and are surrounded by those that love you and you love!
I hope you have a wonderful day and are surrounded by those that love you and you love!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Flip Side
Thank you for your comments on that last post. And for the huge insight. I hadn't completely realized that I was grieving in those moments. I know, duh? I never said I was the brightest bulb in the pack.
I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.
Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.
On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.
But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.
For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.
I kind of like:
the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.
In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.
Like:
be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.
All of those things, well, they make me happy.
Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.
I realized that for the past two years, from the moment I heard the doctor say, "You are clearly not ovulating." I've been grieving. And many of those thoughts and feelings have made it on to this blog. So I was surprised when I realized that I wasn't done yet.
Actually, looking from the outside, I am justified in feeling that way. Considering, besides you all and my therapist, I've never been given permission to grieve.
On Mel's Friday Blog Roundup she mentioned Julia from I Won't Fear Love and this beautiful post. It may sound silly, but I wish that my religion allowed for a period of grieving such as Julia described. It must be validating and comforting that you are given permission to grieve to mourn. That to me must be invaluable. But, alas, I am sure her Jewish religion (like my own) wouldn't allow me to grieve the idea/dream of my fertility. Well, since I've never been pregnant, I technically don't have a person to grieve, just the idea of it all.
But, I am digressing. Since the point of this post is to say, that those moments are just that moments.
For the most part, I am very happy with our decision to stop treatments. I am mulling the thought of living childfree, and for the most part, it feels right. I feel comforted especially after a chaotic holiday with kids and my husband running around, or a really loud interaction with a friend's family with four kids. For the most part, I leave those situations and think, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a Mom.
I kind of like:
the quiet.
to wake up when I want.
to go on vacation to where I would like and on my own schedule.
not to worry that I have to work this weekend.
my freedom.
In those moments I look more closely and realize that I like the life we have. And after replenishing our savings. Getting to a point that I am comfortable financially - since the treatments and my search for a change have left us looking for refuge. And be able to live the life I want to live.
Like:
be able to fullfill my top ten travel spots. (Italy, Israel, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, China, Japan, Fuji, Russia, and South Africa)
buy a sports car.
be able to save for a retirement home, since we won't need a huge house and we can buy a smaller primary home.
All of those things, well, they make me happy.
Now that I am just focusing on my plan B - it isn't that bad. I know that I am far from determining what that exactly will be, but I have started to mold it. All I will say for now, it has possibility. And it that is good.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Moments
A few moments to myself...and a thought that won't leave me, hoping I can remove it by placing it here.
For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.
But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...
Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.
Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.
Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.
Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.
For the most part the decision to stop treatments has been good. It has allowed me to focus on other things. Life. You know the things I have and enjoy. And allowed me to forget all the self imposed silly things I did to help myself get pregnant (one caffeinated drink a day, sleeping only on my left side, not drinking or eating anything that I didn't know what it was, etc.). Forget the daily draws, shots, worries of not enough eggs, or not enough sperm. If that twinge was it. All of my neurosis seem to have stopped with the end of treatments. I feel more me; ballanced, calm, and clear minded.
But then I have my moments of wondering if we have done the right thing...
Moments when I am walking in to the hospital to see a friend and her new baby and my chest constricts. I start thinking breath. It will be all right. You want to see so and so. You want to see the new baby. You hold the baby. And see your husband looking at you. Tears are on your mind and yet they are not allowed.
Moments when you go to see your husband's grandmother in the nursing home. When you see how miserable she is, because she has alienated every child she has. And you think that her life would be so much happier if she decided to be happy, if she didn't fight so much. You realize that you will be in a nursing home. And there will be no one to visit. I will have to remember my own advice, you have to choose to be happy.
Moments when you go and visit with friends and their kids. Kids who call you Aunt and your husband Uncle. Kids that you would give your right arm for. And you look over and your husband is reading to the three year old.
Moments when your heart breaks because what you want most isn't happening and wont happen unless more treatments become the plan. Moments that you should be happy and for the most part are, but you always have to fight tears on your way home. Because you are happy for their blessings, you love their blessings, but you still want your own.
Friday, January 18, 2008
I'm Elmo. (Something fun and cute while I am away at work.)
My friend Joei sent me this cute email. And I thought you would all like to play.
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.
Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?
A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.
Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.
Do not cheat by looking at the end of the post before you are done.
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)
5. What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)
8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts..)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you
definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.
(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on.
'A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words'
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
CRAZY BUSY!
I am so sorry for abandoning you all. I haven't had any time to read or write. And I had such great posts brewing about my trip to the nursing home, my various thoughts on my blog, etc.
But, instead what you have been getting is snow (at least up here in New England) because life here has been nuts! Working 12 hour days and weekends. I've been issued the loaner laptop indefinitely. I am hoping that it will all end soon, but with that I am fearful of what will becoming. A topic I'd love to talk about, but can't.
Work has gotten in the way of all my New Year's resolutions - especially going to the gym and starting the new business! But today, cross your fingers, I may actually be able to go to the gym. For some reason I have a lot of anxiety that could be let go of on a treadmill!
Oh some good news (before I get back to work) I got the results for my eyes. (I did make it to the eye doctor.) The left 20:15, and my right 20:20 with the potential to get better since it is still healing! So, my eyes are better than I ever expected. Very thrilled with it all.
Wishing you well, and hoping to have some time soon to catch up with you all.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Resolutions
At the start of every year, I look at myself and try to figure out how to be/do better.
Last year was the year I was attempting to do everything I could to have a baby. And looking at myself I realized I desperately needed to learn how to relax.
So, I started going to a therapist and yoga. The therapist helped by giving me a place to vent. But once we stopped with treatments, well there wasn't much for me to say. Thru out our sessions I repeated "I just want to be OK, if the answer is no." Well, the answer was no, I haven't crumbled, so I guess I'm OK. As a result I stopped going. Not a reflection on her. But I needed to move on. Since our only conversation was on treatments and my feelings on those treatments. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Yoga on the other hand was a resolution that I intend to stick to. Out of 52 weeks, I only missed 8. Not bad when you consider I missed classes mostly for being ill. Heck, I even went to classes on my vacation. It is something that completely relaxes me. The breathing calms me so, I have done breathing exercises at the RE, in the car, before I go to bed, basically anytime my brain is going a hundred miles a minute or I am EXTREMELY stressed. It has become a way of life. As an added benefit, I've also strengthened my back and suffer from less back pain.
As a result, I now know that resolutions are not for not. Sometimes, they actually can be a huge benefit. As a result, I'm making a few more for 2008 and I thought I would share them with you:
1. Starting the Calligraphy business.
I've already come up with a name, looked into websites, priced out business cards, and thought of an icon. Also, I've found some classes to brush up as well as increase my talents.
2. Gym.
In hopes of loosing some weight and regaining my bikini body. Hahaha. I've never had one in my opinion, but looking back I know that I did have one. Isn't it funny how prospective changes? So the goal remains the same as late last year, to loose about 10 to 15 pounds. Thanks to the holidays, I've gained back every last bit that I lost. Oh well.
3. Reintroducing the Z@ne diet.
See above for reasoning.
4. Organizing our finances and start to seriously replenish our savings!
Need I say more, after last year - our finances are in serious need of help! But luckily it can be corrected.
Ultimately 2008 is looking like a very busy year! It is also the first year in four that a baby is not a goal or part of any reason to do the above. Amazing what refocusing can do.
Last year was the year I was attempting to do everything I could to have a baby. And looking at myself I realized I desperately needed to learn how to relax.
So, I started going to a therapist and yoga. The therapist helped by giving me a place to vent. But once we stopped with treatments, well there wasn't much for me to say. Thru out our sessions I repeated "I just want to be OK, if the answer is no." Well, the answer was no, I haven't crumbled, so I guess I'm OK. As a result I stopped going. Not a reflection on her. But I needed to move on. Since our only conversation was on treatments and my feelings on those treatments. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Yoga on the other hand was a resolution that I intend to stick to. Out of 52 weeks, I only missed 8. Not bad when you consider I missed classes mostly for being ill. Heck, I even went to classes on my vacation. It is something that completely relaxes me. The breathing calms me so, I have done breathing exercises at the RE, in the car, before I go to bed, basically anytime my brain is going a hundred miles a minute or I am EXTREMELY stressed. It has become a way of life. As an added benefit, I've also strengthened my back and suffer from less back pain.
As a result, I now know that resolutions are not for not. Sometimes, they actually can be a huge benefit. As a result, I'm making a few more for 2008 and I thought I would share them with you:
1. Starting the Calligraphy business.
I've already come up with a name, looked into websites, priced out business cards, and thought of an icon. Also, I've found some classes to brush up as well as increase my talents.
2. Gym.
In hopes of loosing some weight and regaining my bikini body. Hahaha. I've never had one in my opinion, but looking back I know that I did have one. Isn't it funny how prospective changes? So the goal remains the same as late last year, to loose about 10 to 15 pounds. Thanks to the holidays, I've gained back every last bit that I lost. Oh well.
3. Reintroducing the Z@ne diet.
See above for reasoning.
4. Organizing our finances and start to seriously replenish our savings!
Need I say more, after last year - our finances are in serious need of help! But luckily it can be corrected.
Ultimately 2008 is looking like a very busy year! It is also the first year in four that a baby is not a goal or part of any reason to do the above. Amazing what refocusing can do.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Reflecting on 2007
For some reason this time of year leaves me reflecting on the past year. 2007 was the year I was desperately trying to change and every change hit a speed bump which caused everything to remain the same. (You know, wanting to have a baby and getting negative after negative. Trying to sell our condo and having to take it off the market because of our bad timing.) And the things that did change, well weren't that great - Adeus Avo. It is the year of continued stagnation and more loss.
But it also was the year that brought me a new brother-in-law. So it can't be marked as a complete bust.
As I look forward, 2008 brings more promise. And maybe only good change will happen.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 21, 2007
A Winter Wonderland
If you can't beat them, join them. I am not a huge fan of the snow, but currently I live in a place that has been getting a lot of it. So, in honor of my winter wonderland, I felt a need to change the look of my blog.
My last few Christmas Holidays, I felt the same way. If you can't beat them join them. I was apprehensive and cautious about the child filled holiday. But this year, I didn't have that nervousness or ba hum bug feeling. (Although I did and do prepare for the panic attacks that always happened in my car ride home at this time.)
Instead, I've been singing in the car. Looking forward to my baking for my little guests and T (who is a big child). I've been delighted in the gifts that we have bought, and I can't wait to see if they are liked. I sent cards, although a little late.
We took it easy. We didn't even put up a Tree. But, I will be getting my Nativity scene up. Only the little ones and my parents got actual gifts; everyone else gift certificates. (Although T and I got each other some gifts.) And we are throwing a small get together but ordering most of the food. Ultimately, so far it has been a great holiday season.
As the next few days will be the most busy. I'd like to wish you all a very happy and merry holiday! And a peaceful, healthy, and charmed New Year!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Cooking
I will start off by saying that I am not a natural cook. You know the people who throw a little of this and a little of that and get a magnificent decadent dinner. I have plenty of these individuals in my family, the hubby, my mom, and my sister.
I am a natural baker. Following directions and being precise are both inherent in me. (Probably why I was good in Chemistry.) And cooking is a challenge. Since 2007was the year of facing challenges, I resolved to cook more regularly. My goal was to cook two to three times a week with an occasional venturing out of my norm of a meat, a starch, and a vegetable.
The first three months, I was diligent, but a mix of delicious and debacles. A few immediate wins with myself and T were Meatloaf, Feta Chicken, and Salsa Chicken.
The debacles presented themselves in the Roast Pork in a Pan and mushy beef stew. Trust me, don’t put cauliflower in a stew until the very end.
During these adventures, I was cautious and followed the recipes to the tee. Luckily they were mostly successes. After a few months, I felt more courageous. T’s accolades helped me venture out, as well as, many of you.
Kimberly’s Mac and Cheese looked so good. I had to try. When I decided to make it, I sadly realized that I had forgotten the V*lveta and had to adapt. So, I got more adventurous and decided to try this recipe instead (also from Allr*cipes). (It came out so well, that I think I’ll be making it for T’s little cousins for Christmas Eve.)
This need to be creative, gave me more courage to be adventurous, a few weeks ago I tried Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now, this is a recipe that always intimidated me. Complete bravery is what inspired me. After all, I hadn’t had any serious debacles since January. Bravery was and is a new feeling to cooking. I took a deep breath and went to the grocery store. The deli clerk told me about how he uses rosemary ham and K*rry Gold Iris Swiss Cheese. I got further inspired and added a tsp. of rosemary and ground mustard to the bread crumbs. It was scrumptious, before I realized T had four pieces. (Thinking of making these bit sized and serving them for Christmas Eve too.)
Writing this post made me realized how apprehensive I was about cooking and how my resolutions this year really helped me gain some comfort in the kitchen. Next year, I will be taking some cooking classes. I found a class that goes on every couple of months. It is a new adventure that I’m personally looking forward to.
**I'm sorry that I don't have any photos of my own creations. My digital camera has been out of sorts - I've actually asked for a new one for Christmas. And my cellphone doesn't have one. (I can hear the gasp from here :).) Hopefully in the next few months I'll become more technology savey. Looking forward to getting a new cellphone too!
I am a natural baker. Following directions and being precise are both inherent in me. (Probably why I was good in Chemistry.) And cooking is a challenge. Since 2007was the year of facing challenges, I resolved to cook more regularly. My goal was to cook two to three times a week with an occasional venturing out of my norm of a meat, a starch, and a vegetable.
The first three months, I was diligent, but a mix of delicious and debacles. A few immediate wins with myself and T were Meatloaf, Feta Chicken, and Salsa Chicken.
The debacles presented themselves in the Roast Pork in a Pan and mushy beef stew. Trust me, don’t put cauliflower in a stew until the very end.
During these adventures, I was cautious and followed the recipes to the tee. Luckily they were mostly successes. After a few months, I felt more courageous. T’s accolades helped me venture out, as well as, many of you.
Kimberly’s Mac and Cheese looked so good. I had to try. When I decided to make it, I sadly realized that I had forgotten the V*lveta and had to adapt. So, I got more adventurous and decided to try this recipe instead (also from Allr*cipes). (It came out so well, that I think I’ll be making it for T’s little cousins for Christmas Eve.)
This need to be creative, gave me more courage to be adventurous, a few weeks ago I tried Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now, this is a recipe that always intimidated me. Complete bravery is what inspired me. After all, I hadn’t had any serious debacles since January. Bravery was and is a new feeling to cooking. I took a deep breath and went to the grocery store. The deli clerk told me about how he uses rosemary ham and K*rry Gold Iris Swiss Cheese. I got further inspired and added a tsp. of rosemary and ground mustard to the bread crumbs. It was scrumptious, before I realized T had four pieces. (Thinking of making these bit sized and serving them for Christmas Eve too.)
Writing this post made me realized how apprehensive I was about cooking and how my resolutions this year really helped me gain some comfort in the kitchen. Next year, I will be taking some cooking classes. I found a class that goes on every couple of months. It is a new adventure that I’m personally looking forward to.
**I'm sorry that I don't have any photos of my own creations. My digital camera has been out of sorts - I've actually asked for a new one for Christmas. And my cellphone doesn't have one. (I can hear the gasp from here :).) Hopefully in the next few months I'll become more technology savey. Looking forward to getting a new cellphone too!
Friday, December 07, 2007
May I have a cookie?
I have been swamped and completely overwhelmed with all of my work that I haven't had time to read or write. I am sorry.
Lets put it this way on Tuesday I worked until 6:00pm, and Wednesday I was at work at 5:45 am and left at 5:30 pm. So I wasn't even out of the office for a full 12 hours before I worked 12 hours!
My job is customarily a 9-5 special. And I know how spoiled I am, but I am not used to working 12 hours straight with out lunch. Goodness!
So, I promise to write about cooking, yoga, the holidays. I think that was what one out. I'll probably write about everythign else as many of you suggested. Thank you to you all that responded :), for some reason I get worried that no one will answer when I ask.
Off to the weekend....so looking forward to sleeping. Did I tell you have a terrible cold too? Thanks to a husband who refused to take care of his cold and decided to share. Ugh...really I am in a happy place :). Just sniffle and very, very, very tired!
Lets put it this way on Tuesday I worked until 6:00pm, and Wednesday I was at work at 5:45 am and left at 5:30 pm. So I wasn't even out of the office for a full 12 hours before I worked 12 hours!
My job is customarily a 9-5 special. And I know how spoiled I am, but I am not used to working 12 hours straight with out lunch. Goodness!
So, I promise to write about cooking, yoga, the holidays. I think that was what one out. I'll probably write about everythign else as many of you suggested. Thank you to you all that responded :), for some reason I get worried that no one will answer when I ask.
Off to the weekend....so looking forward to sleeping. Did I tell you have a terrible cold too? Thanks to a husband who refused to take care of his cold and decided to share. Ugh...really I am in a happy place :). Just sniffle and very, very, very tired!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Random Thoughts
Let me start by saying that Thanksgiving went well. It was quiet. And the days that followed were fantastic. We got to see some friends that we don't always get to see. The bonus was that we also got to see their kids too. It was fun.
But it also caused the knocking to start. And as a result, so many random thoughts have been coursing thru my mind. Ultimately, it has left me without the ability to write anything, since I don't know where to start. So, I leave it to you. Assuming, you are still there...what would you like to hear about?
1. Faces in the REs offices;
2. Jealousy/ The Haves and Have Nots;
3. Holidays;
4. Yoga and the Gym;
5. Cooking;
6. Perceptions; or
7. Your choice.
Hopefully someone answers :) and puts me out of my craziness.
But it also caused the knocking to start. And as a result, so many random thoughts have been coursing thru my mind. Ultimately, it has left me without the ability to write anything, since I don't know where to start. So, I leave it to you. Assuming, you are still there...what would you like to hear about?
1. Faces in the REs offices;
2. Jealousy/ The Haves and Have Nots;
3. Holidays;
4. Yoga and the Gym;
5. Cooking;
6. Perceptions; or
7. Your choice.
Hopefully someone answers :) and puts me out of my craziness.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into
enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order, confusion into clarity.
It turns problems into gifts, failures into
success, the unexpected i
nto perfect timing, and mistakes into
important events.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.
by Melodie Beattie
It turns what we have into
enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order, confusion into clarity.
It turns problems into gifts, failures into
success, the unexpected i
nto perfect timing, and mistakes into
important events.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.
by Melodie Beattie
Friday, November 16, 2007
Luggage
Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.
These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.
This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.
Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.
Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.
There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.
Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”
I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I can see!
So, the laser surgery went very, very, very well. I go in tomorrow for my check-up and were they will remove the bandages (clear contacts) and give me my current vision. I can tell you it is perfect, if not nearly perfect. But substantially better than my -7.00 and -6.00 original vision. I'm really content.
But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!
I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?
P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!
But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!
I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?
P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Interesting....very interesting.
| You Are The Moon |
 You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams. You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness. Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies. Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one. Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares. Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses. You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover. |
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thank you
Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.
And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.
No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.
This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.
Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.
Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.
And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.
No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.
This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.
Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.
Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Freaking Out!
Now, I know that this mostly an irrational fear. But, I am affraid of becoming blind from my surgery on Friday. Now, I know - irrational. I G*ogled and it didn't come up with any testimonies of such. (Although in my craziness, I quickly thought, how would they be able to communicate via the computer if they were blind?) And the doctor only provided a less than 1% statistic that this would happen.
My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.
But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.
I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.
Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.
Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.
My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.
But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.
I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.
Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.
Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Acne
Calling for opinions! Seriously. I've been breaking out worse than I did as a teenager. It is completely and totally out of control.
It started in August. It was the beginning of high stress. (Grandfather dies, last cycle which got cancelled so we had to do it again in September, sister's wedding) And only got more stressful with actual cycle, cycle failing, and sister's wedding.
So in August, I tried this and when my skin was so dried and irritated, I thought I would use this too.
What I have now is even more irritated skin. So, I picked this up today.
Honestly, all of this started when I noticed that my facial soap of two years was no longer working. (Believe me, I feel embarassed about using that soap. But it really worked!) Then what usually happens, my skin became immune to the soap. And then stress happened. So the mixture is what has my skin in a twist.
My skin is dry and requires moisturizer. The dryness is what causes the break outs. (Flakey skin gets trapped in the pores and causes drama.) So it really is a balance of exfoliation and moisture. In the past, I've used: N*utrogena, Cl*nique, and Susan. My skin has grown immune to all.
Suggestions? Thoughts? What is your secret?
It started in August. It was the beginning of high stress. (Grandfather dies, last cycle which got cancelled so we had to do it again in September, sister's wedding) And only got more stressful with actual cycle, cycle failing, and sister's wedding.
So in August, I tried this and when my skin was so dried and irritated, I thought I would use this too.
What I have now is even more irritated skin. So, I picked this up today.
Honestly, all of this started when I noticed that my facial soap of two years was no longer working. (Believe me, I feel embarassed about using that soap. But it really worked!) Then what usually happens, my skin became immune to the soap. And then stress happened. So the mixture is what has my skin in a twist.
My skin is dry and requires moisturizer. The dryness is what causes the break outs. (Flakey skin gets trapped in the pores and causes drama.) So it really is a balance of exfoliation and moisture. In the past, I've used: N*utrogena, Cl*nique, and Susan. My skin has grown immune to all.
Suggestions? Thoughts? What is your secret?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Did I tell you about…
my fiasco with my flex spending account?
It started last year, enrollment time. I looked at the program, looked at the reference sites, and called people. Everyone was saying the same thing. “Of course you can use it for insurance premiums.”
Unfortunately, the pit of my stomach was queasy. It could be the large amount of money I was allocating that was non-refundable, that I didn’t feel was properly documented. It could be that people where brushing my concerns aside. It could be that I called my program administrator and she was absolutely positive that it was covered, but had NOTHING to back it up. I’d ask for a list, and was sent to the administrator and the administrator sent me to the internal administrator.
Well, two months into the program, I got a rejection for my reimbursement. I called again. What I got was, “Oh, I didn’t understand you meant insurance premiums. Our plan doesn’t cover that.” And the fact that I explained in detail what I was doing, never gave you an idea that I meant insurance premiums!”
I won’t bore you with what transpired after that, but I was irate to say the least. After well worded emails and telephone calls, unless I wanted to find a lawyer and pursue legal action – since I like my job - I wanted/needed another solution.
In nine months, I submitted everything under the sun to receive reimbursements. And I only managed to use half of the amount. While we were cycling, I had secret hopes of getting pregnant, and have it be used towards OB co-pays and other expenses. But, I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to take a break.
There are only two more months to use our left over money or we will loose it.
So, did I tell you that both my mother and sister have both gotten eye corrective surgery in the last few months? They can’t stop raving. Did I tell you that my eyes are really bad? T has been telling me to get L*SIK done for YEARS. That I have only been putting it off – just incase I got pregnant because my eyes could change with a pregnancy.
In my practical, trying to kill two birds with one stone approach to life, I found a way to use the money and help me learn to live life without the if/when we have a baby equation.
So, my surgery is scheduled on Friday the 2nd. A week from today! I’m a little nervous about the procedure to say the least. I have no expectations over the results. My eyes are really bad, so bad that I don’t qualify for L*SIK, but I do for L*SEK. (A slightly different procedure that is just as successful and less chance of complications but a longer recovery time. So I may not be reading for several days – maybe up to a week.)
And even though, my fear is very real. I’ve decided to do this. Or as T says, “Unless I can buy a therapeutic g*n for the money in that account, you are getting that surgery!”
For the time being I am trying to breathe, meditate and relax over the procedure. Also, I am going to ignore that because of the flex fiasco, I used more money on medical expenses than I possibly want to admit. (Hoping we can use towards our taxes.) And focus on, goodness, I may able to see without glasses, contacts, or both in a week!
It started last year, enrollment time. I looked at the program, looked at the reference sites, and called people. Everyone was saying the same thing. “Of course you can use it for insurance premiums.”
Unfortunately, the pit of my stomach was queasy. It could be the large amount of money I was allocating that was non-refundable, that I didn’t feel was properly documented. It could be that people where brushing my concerns aside. It could be that I called my program administrator and she was absolutely positive that it was covered, but had NOTHING to back it up. I’d ask for a list, and was sent to the administrator and the administrator sent me to the internal administrator.
Well, two months into the program, I got a rejection for my reimbursement. I called again. What I got was, “Oh, I didn’t understand you meant insurance premiums. Our plan doesn’t cover that.” And the fact that I explained in detail what I was doing, never gave you an idea that I meant insurance premiums!”
I won’t bore you with what transpired after that, but I was irate to say the least. After well worded emails and telephone calls, unless I wanted to find a lawyer and pursue legal action – since I like my job - I wanted/needed another solution.
In nine months, I submitted everything under the sun to receive reimbursements. And I only managed to use half of the amount. While we were cycling, I had secret hopes of getting pregnant, and have it be used towards OB co-pays and other expenses. But, I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to take a break.
There are only two more months to use our left over money or we will loose it.
So, did I tell you that both my mother and sister have both gotten eye corrective surgery in the last few months? They can’t stop raving. Did I tell you that my eyes are really bad? T has been telling me to get L*SIK done for YEARS. That I have only been putting it off – just incase I got pregnant because my eyes could change with a pregnancy.
In my practical, trying to kill two birds with one stone approach to life, I found a way to use the money and help me learn to live life without the if/when we have a baby equation.
So, my surgery is scheduled on Friday the 2nd. A week from today! I’m a little nervous about the procedure to say the least. I have no expectations over the results. My eyes are really bad, so bad that I don’t qualify for L*SIK, but I do for L*SEK. (A slightly different procedure that is just as successful and less chance of complications but a longer recovery time. So I may not be reading for several days – maybe up to a week.)
And even though, my fear is very real. I’ve decided to do this. Or as T says, “Unless I can buy a therapeutic g*n for the money in that account, you are getting that surgery!”
For the time being I am trying to breathe, meditate and relax over the procedure. Also, I am going to ignore that because of the flex fiasco, I used more money on medical expenses than I possibly want to admit. (Hoping we can use towards our taxes.) And focus on, goodness, I may able to see without glasses, contacts, or both in a week!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A Conversation
After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.
Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?
Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.
Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.
Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.
Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.
Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.
Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.
Me: Silent.
Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here.
Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.
Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.
Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.
Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.
Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.
Me: Thats why I answered you.
Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?
Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.
Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.
Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.
Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.
Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.
Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.
Me: Silent.
Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here.
Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.
Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.
Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.
Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.
Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.
Me: Thats why I answered you.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I got this email chain today....
Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. I pray you all have a blessed day. It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed REMEMBER to Pray. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer.
May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged and I pray you step into the destiny within the ministry. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God.
Now send this to 12 people within 5 minutes and remember to send this back.... I count as 2, you'll see why. Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward. Everyone have a blessed day
The highlighted/italized part, I pray - but I never believed he would answer. I hoped he/she would. But, I lost that ability a long time ago. I consider myself a faith-filled person. I have faith in God - I just don't think my issues are his main concern. You know like war, famine, natural disaster.
And I wonder if that is what I did wrong.
May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged and I pray you step into the destiny within the ministry. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God.
Now send this to 12 people within 5 minutes and remember to send this back.... I count as 2, you'll see why. Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward. Everyone have a blessed day
The highlighted/italized part, I pray - but I never believed he would answer. I hoped he/she would. But, I lost that ability a long time ago. I consider myself a faith-filled person. I have faith in God - I just don't think my issues are his main concern. You know like war, famine, natural disaster.
And I wonder if that is what I did wrong.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Media
Somethings make me laugh. Other things make me want to scream.
The first story is just funny. A late night comedian (I can't remember who - I heard the quote on the radio this morning.) said that Ch*ney is related to more gays and blacks than the R*publican has members. SO FREAKIN' TRUE!
***
The second story irks me to no return. It infuriates me on so many levels. But the most bothersome comparison is of pedophilia and homosexuality - that they are both disorders. You know I have many an issue with the Church's antiquated points of view on homosexuality and MANY other topics. But when the Church compares or insinuates that pedophilia and homosexuality are linked or that they are equal and related disorders. I want to scream! Throw something! Sorry you stinkin' homophobes it is not the same thing!
Let me give you the definition of both.
ho·mo·sex·u·al (hō'mə-sěk'shōō-əl, -mō-) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. (American Heritage Dictionary)
ped·o·phil·i·a (pěd'ə-fĭl'ē-ə, pē'də-) Pronunciation Key
n. The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children.
(Dictionary.com)
Maybe the Church leaders can see that they are not related! One is between two consenting adults! A sexual orientation just like heterosexual. The other is a HUGE problem that destroys people's lives. It is a horrendous act against a child. They are not related. Psychologists have not linked the two; I should reputable and non-bias psychologists with a political slant have not linked the two. They are separate - unrelated!
Can someone remind me why I follow the teachings of these baboons! Oh yeah - it is a religion not a cult!
The first story is just funny. A late night comedian (I can't remember who - I heard the quote on the radio this morning.) said that Ch*ney is related to more gays and blacks than the R*publican has members. SO FREAKIN' TRUE!
***
The second story irks me to no return. It infuriates me on so many levels. But the most bothersome comparison is of pedophilia and homosexuality - that they are both disorders. You know I have many an issue with the Church's antiquated points of view on homosexuality and MANY other topics. But when the Church compares or insinuates that pedophilia and homosexuality are linked or that they are equal and related disorders. I want to scream! Throw something! Sorry you stinkin' homophobes it is not the same thing!
Let me give you the definition of both.
ho·mo·sex·u·al (hō'mə-sěk'shōō-əl, -mō-) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. (American Heritage Dictionary)
ped·o·phil·i·a (pěd'ə-fĭl'ē-ə, pē'də-) Pronunciation Key
n. The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children.
(Dictionary.com)
Maybe the Church leaders can see that they are not related! One is between two consenting adults! A sexual orientation just like heterosexual. The other is a HUGE problem that destroys people's lives. It is a horrendous act against a child. They are not related. Psychologists have not linked the two; I should reputable and non-bias psychologists with a political slant have not linked the two. They are separate - unrelated!
Can someone remind me why I follow the teachings of these baboons! Oh yeah - it is a religion not a cult!
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Stages of Grief
Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance
I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.
Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.
And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.
Examples:
Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.
Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.
Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.
But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.
I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.
Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.
And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.
Examples:
Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.
Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.
Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.
But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.
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