Oh Yeah, I hate you more! (And thank you!)

Yesterday, I realized that my body hates me just as much as I hate it.

I woke up on Friday in pain. My first thought, "Oh God, I have to go to work. It'll be OK, just fake it. Medicate and fake it."

Did my morning routine, then took M*trin (which usually works) and a Th*rmac*re heat wrap in the front of me.

Got into the car and realized that wasn't enough. Stopped at the grocery store and bought more heating pads. First thing I did when I got to work is to put one on my back too.

Then I started to work. *Beep*Beep*Beep*. Yes, today was going to be a busy day. Boss comes in, needs info. Try to obtain it and more *Beep*Beep*Beep*. (My em@il and inst@antm@ssenger alert me.)

Secretary and 37 week pregnant attorney chatting.

We work in very close quarters, and usually it doesn't bother me. But, the 37 week tummy was buggin me for some reason. Oh yeah, it could be because we were having cake in her honor. The reason I HAD to go to work today! I HAD to buy the cake.

Stayed until one and I couldn't take it any more. I still had several more hours of work. But, I realized that my eyes were tearing. And I didn't know if it was the physical pain (because it didn't subside) or the emotional pain.

So I went home.

I've never taken sick time for really bad cramps, but effectively I did yesterday. And I am reminded that there is a first time for everything. Came home and watched movies. And physically I didn't feel any better, but emotionally I was in a safe place with no extremelly pregnant bellies at eye level.

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Thank you ladies for your virtual hugs, words of support, and helping hand. Emotionally I am doing much better today. Infertility sucks, but the community is B E A U T I F U L. Thank you. (Two little words that mean so much, but yet don't say it all.) I am very grateful for each and every one of you.

Ridiculous

Ridiculous for thinking that body could get pregnant “naturally,” after all ready having coming to that conclusion long before this cycle.

Ridiculous for taking all of you along on this roller-coaster ride.

Ridiculous that I gave my reproductive system any credit for getting anything right. (Probably a great lesson to have learned before starting the IUIs.)

Ridiculous that I fell for FALSE hope, AGAIN.

Ridiculous because my FALSE hope infected others, and how that makes me that so much more angrier because my reproductive cycle is not only effecting me, it screwing with so many others.

Hate, Loath, etc. (Yet, not strong enough words.)

I would like a separation from my reproductive system.

No, I am not talking about a mental separation. I am talking about a complete severance from my being. Having it thrown against something hard, a wall isn’t hard enough, a mountain of granite is what I am envisioning. Stomping on it, then putting it in a blender so that there is NOTHING left.

It is obviously big piece of crap. It is the epitome of evil. In the dictionary, a picture of my malfunctioning, destructive, irritating reproductive cycle should be adjacent to evil.

If it isn’t obvious the Wicked Witch – Aunt Flo – (whatever you want to call it) just showed.

A few days ago, I got an article about womb transplants from the American Fertility Association. And I thought, wow, I’ve been saying that I would like a reproductive system transplant for several years. It seems that they are getting closer to that point!

(Yes, I realize how ridiculous that is, considering it brings in to the effect you are essentially having donor eggs etc. And since I don’t think that is an option here, it is a ludicrous idea. But, I never said this was a rational thought.)

Right now, I want NOTHING to do with any reproductive system.

Right now, I don’t believe it will eventually happen. (Heck, I don’t believe that at any point and time, haven’t for quite some time. And actually, coming around to it and being OK.)

Right now, I want to roll into the fetal position (in my bed) and cry. (But I can’t because instead I’m sitting at my desk at work.)

Right now, I realize that I should never hope unless there is more than 6% chance, because the probability is just not there and feeling like this is just not worth it.

Later (in a few days), I will pick myself up; start the insurance procedure and we will start IUIs in March.

But, right now, it really hurts.

Hope Diminishing? **TMI ALERT**

This cycle is has been an emotional roller-coaster. But, since when isn't infertility?

The text book symptoms:
1. The spotting on cd 10 and 11.
2. Gums bleeding when brushing teeth. (I take very good care of my teeth, this hardly happens!)
3. Drinking over 100 oz. of water.
4. Bloody nose.

Yet, yesterday when I started to cramp, I thought that could be it, the Fat Lady knocking before her grand performance. But, instead, nothing was accompanied with it, which is customary. Then this morning, I saw something that resemblems my "normal" spotting (which included only old blood).

So, hope is diminishing. If the Wicked Witch shows today, it should be no later than this afternoon, and hope will be gone.

Yes, I'll be sad, but I'll live; which is my biggest lesson during infertily.

But, a little part of me wants to believe, doesn't want to give out hope just yet. Because the Fat Lady hasn't performed yet. And there those symptoms, and cramps can sometimes be a symptom themselves. How about the fact, you HAD to go to bed last night. And maybe what you saw resulted from yoga last night, which was a more rigorous class.

So, ultimately, I guess I still have a little hope. Which to me is better than too much hope and none at all. By default, cautious optimism may have won out. Huh, who would've figured that?

Relaxation Visual

In the technique I use, I have to visualize a place that I love. Welcome to my visual, in the next few days, I’ll need this photo help me remember a more relaxed time prior to all of the craziness of infertility, 2ww, and all other roller-coasters.

On the ledge again - TMI **UPDATED**

Pink on the TP. It is CD30 - 10 DPO. Much to early for my period. Need I say more?

I don't like the ledge, I'm afraid of heights. And the drop, hurts.

********

Still on the ledge. Err...feeling rather obsessive, slightly going mad.

Basically, my LP is usually about 16 to 20 days long. It is only 11 DPO. And not to mention but I don't usually spot longer than a day. Yesterday, well it was non-existent and today too. And no serious cramps which ALWAYS proceed AF by several days.

Very, very, very, very hopeful. And I don't want to be. UGH!

So, if AF doesn't show before this weekend, I will be peeing on a stick on Saturday. Although, I just hate spending the money. Especially since it could very well be all for not because my periods could last about 118 days.

Although peeing on a stick before is not a wise idea if it is a BFN. Should wash the bathroom floor, so that it is at least clean when I lay on it when I see the BFN. Because the fall is going to hurt.

Crochet - My hobby **UPDATED**

It started a month before we started to try.

A friend of T's was having a baby and we had gotten to be very close to this family. T was going to be the baby's Godfather. And I wanted to do something special.

I remembered that I knew some basic stitches in crochet and with my Mother's help and crochet book, I jogged my memory.

A whole 2 years 5 months. Since then I have made blankets for friends, family and acquaintances (aprx. 15). I have a secret desire to make a blanket for each baby I know.

And I am very grateful for this hobby and true joy. So, I'd thought I'd show you some of my work.

********

To answer some of your inquiries. I started by using a how too book. I wasn't really particular when I chose it. Since, I've given it away and I don't remember the name. It was actually a rather corny book that your grandmother would pick up. But it had great illustrations and it was enough to jog my memory.

From there I purchased several other books with fun projects and stitch ideas. I highly recommend; Stitch 'N Bitch Cr*chet: The Happy H**ker by Debbie Stoller and The Cr*chet Stitch Bible by Betty Barnden. Both of these books also have how to sections and would be able to help you get started.

Lastly, the bag I made up the pattern as I went. It was during an enlightened phase. Actually, I think I might start another. I need something to keep my mind off of things.

Pregnancy symptoms: Top ten signs you might be pregnant (And a rational thought process to stop the craziness of this infertile.)

I got this article in my email inbox. And my first inclination was to delete it. Up to that point, I was feeling great! Not anxious or compulsive about this current two week wait. Then I decided to read, and my mind started to race.

It started: Could you be pregnant? Most likely you won't notice any symptoms until about the time you've missed a period — or a week or two later.

OK, I thought to myself totally still good. Period isn’t expected until February 11th. Oh, that is weird. T and I started to date on February 11th and were engaged on that date. Maybe I should take the HPT on that day for extra luck. Stop that! So, as the starting to get crazy infertile, I keep reading.

It continues: If you're not keeping track of your menstrual cycle or if it varies widely from one month to the next, you may not be sure when to expect your period. But if you start to experience some of the symptoms below — not all women get them all — and you haven't had a period for a while, you may very well be pregnant. Take a home pregnancy test to find out for sure!

You should probably add in something about people on medications such as Clomid. Because that little wonder of a drug probably causes all of these symptoms and it definitely doesn’t mean pregnancy. And maybe you should put a disclaimer on this list of things. (The crazy infertile thoughts are diminishing, and the snarky side is coming out. There is hope in cautious optimism!)

Then I continue to read:

10. Tender, swollen breasts

No problem, not feeling this at ALL! Oh, I forgot I was feeling some tenderness a few days ago and that was probably due to ovulation. Check, logical explanation for that one.

9. Fatigue

Actually, I am feeling tired. Not completely unusual, but I am feeling DEAD tired. Like I could fall asleep at the keyboard. Reminder, I started new allergy meds and those always cause you to feel sleepy. And I forgot that T was coughing a lung up last night, so he probably woke me up a few times. Yeah, I do remember being woken up. OK, again a logical explanation!

8. Implantation bleeding

Err. I think I saw something on the TP. Quickly realize only 6DPO, no possible way it could be implantation anything. Oh yeah! I also went to my primary care and had a pap. And those always cause something. Another logical explanation.

7. Nausea or vomiting

Started to feel nauseous on the car ride home. It could have been the chocolate and apple combination for a mid-day snack. What do you think?

6. Increased sensitivity to odors

An odor woke me up last night that totally caused immediate revulsion. It could be that the allergy meds are working and I just smelled a skunk. After all the reason for the change of allergy meds was the fact I haven’t been able to breathe thru my nose for several months.

5. Abdominal bloating

Always feel bloated after ovulation and before period.

4. Frequent urination

I drink about 96 oz. of water a day, of course I use the bathroom frequently!

3. A missed period

Yeah, not yet. And even if it was late, it wouldn’t necessarily mean anything.

2. Your basal body temperature stays high

I don’t temp. So who knows? But, I awoke last night because I was TOO HOT!

1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test

Why is it that I shouldn’t do this until about DPO 20 and everyone else can do it earlier? Well, I guess I could do it earlier, but B*bycenter only tells you to do it when you are supposedly having your period or a few days later. Just a question. Because I think it is a really mean that my 2ww is closer to a 3ww.

Ultimately after reading this article. I was on that ledge. You know the one, the one you find yourself on when you are really filled with hope. You know that you will either fly or fall off the ledge.

Luckily, I think that my snarky thoughts won out in the end, well with the help of a friend also talking me down. And I’d like to remain here. No more ledge please.

Platitudes

(Please note that I know this will sound harsh, and I apologize. Because I know they are being said with only kindness, and there is a point to this entry. It won’t be what you think either.)

I hate them. Infertility makes many people feel a loss and they revert to them. You know the ones:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. It takes time.
3. It’ll happen, if it is meant to be.
4. You are doing everything you can do, now you need to be patient.

They all construe the truth.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Shit happens which in my book equals to life happens. So, please excuse me, but I really don’t think God has total control over anything that happens here on Earth. And he gave up control sometime around Noah’s Ark.

Genesis 8: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease."

(I do believe in miracles, intercession, etc. but those are different.)

Ironically, I realized today, that I am the QUEEN of the platitude.

A little background is needed. My last job before my current position dealt with a type of law that affected a person very personally. The stress in these government applications was enormous considering it effected their livelihood, their families livelihoods, and their futures. I’m not exaggerating. Because of 911 etc., these applications became even more arduous and time consuming. Some applications took 2 to 3 years to be decided upon and most of these people were trapped in what ifs.

Similar life altering stress to what we experience during infertility, such as: loss of control, only being partially active, and life altering. Yes, these people understood many of the feelings I’ve had in the last few years. And I like to think, I was always kind to them. Tried to be sympathetic of their situation, after all I am first generation, what they were going thru wasn’t out of the realm of my world.

But, I would give them platitudes all of the time. And all of the ones listed above, I said to one or more people. CRAP, could it be bad karma? What comes around, goes around? I could be in serious trouble. Oh boy!

Sisterhood

Mel at SQ and SJ directed my attention to Seed Disperal Mechanisms. In it the author talks about wanting a sister in the trenches. I went right over to read the entry, and started to reply and realized I had so much to say, so I came here instead.

Infertility is lonely. It is for me. And I know a load of people who have gone thru one type of treatment or another. But, I know of five people who have gone thru clomid, IVF, IUIs, GIFT, etc. When I say "thru it" I mean they have either succeeded in having a child or they have gone off the road and decided to live child free.

Some of these people, I am close to and they have gotten me thru some dark times. But, they are all done with it. They are no longer living the every day effects of infertility. Most remember the up and downs, they remember the desperation and yearning for that recluse child and sometimes they experience those feelings again. However, for the most part they aren't going thru it right now.

Then I have an aquintance (a potential sister in the trenches) who is infertile, but doesn't recognize it. M is a intelligent woman, but she denies that she is infertile. Why do I believe she is? She has had four miscarriages in two years. The last three miscarriages were all late term (four, four, and five months). She knows there is a problem and has gone thru testing. Despite it all she doesn't consider herself infertile.

How do I know? Well, a few months ago her sister-in-law was having a baby shower. And I was invited since I am also an acquintance of hers as well. M's number was the RSVP. At this time, I had just started to blog and read blogs. At the time, Mel wrote about a blood disorder that I thought might be useful for M to read up on. I told her about it and she flat out refused to read it. I thought, OK maybe blogs aren't her thing. She was in a particular chatty mood and we started to talk. We talked about how badly we wanted a child, and how much it sucked, etc. What testing we were doing. But, when I said "It really sucks to be infertile." She said, "It must."
I didn't push the topic. How could she not consider herself infertile?

Before this conversation, I thought that we could be sisters in the trenches. She and I are both going thru infertility. But, she nixed that idea, because she didn't consider herself infertile. She could get pregnant. She didn't have infertility. (It still shocks me.) As I sit here, I wonder if it was denial or fearing the stigma of the title. It was the way she said it. Yeah, it really sucks to have your problem. She didn't want it. Heck, I don't want it. But sweetie, you have it. (If only my outside voice would speak up sometimes.)

And how sad that her denial is causing her to be alone. She has no one to comisserate with. But, shutting out the idea of reading blogs, she isolates herself even more.

My real life friends are great. They are kind, compassionate, concerned, and there for me.

But, the boards (talking to you Vent girls) and blogs; well, they have made me feel less alone. And for that I will be forever grateful to you all. Because knowing that I'm not alone, well it has helped. Because the cyber world has introduced me to my sisters/brothers in the trenches and it has made it easier. So, thank you.

The F*CK with you button.

In my early twenties, I started to imagine God sitting on a couch with a clicker. The opposite wall covered with television sets which he was able to change to any channel (representing our lives). He would tune in to specific people's lives when he wanted drama, comedy, etc.

I imagine him looking into my life and thinking there isn't enough FILL IN THE BLANK (w/ drama, comedy, etc.) here. Lets kick it up a notch by hitting the f*ck with you button. It always spices things up.

The longer I am dealing with infertility, the more I think he likes to hit that button. After all, it definitely leaves room for drama, tragedy, comedy, etc.

Really, I do think that God is loving and wants only the best for us. Like a good parent. Often he is just much a spectator as we are, and there to help us thru difficult situations.

But, I sometimes, I can't help but feel he is a little sadistic. Afterall, we humans are supposedly created in his likeness. And there are many people who are sadistic.

Something else to ponder.

Esperanza – Espoir – Hoffnung – Speranza – Esperança – Надежда - 希望

Hope.

All of those words mean Hope in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese.

That word again. For me, it has so many connotations of good things, as well as, bad. Today, for me, it means something in the middle.

A few years back, I had worked with a man from the Dominican Republic. At the time, whenever I wore anything green, he would say “Esperenza, you remind me of Esperenza.” I asked him why once. And he told me his mother always told him that Green was the color of hope. It is the color of so many things in nature when they are beginning. Hope is life.

Well, in the last few months, I have had an inclination of buying material items in green (a sweater, two pairs of shoes, a purse, a lunch bag, etc.). And I wonder if it is because I am in a hopeful stage.

I wonder if it is indicative of me being hopeful.

There she is again. Please play nice. Thank you for the LH surge and please let the ovulation be patient considering T is out of town until tomorrow. Again, play nice.

No worries, cautious optimism is firmly in place, at least for this cycle, considering us conceiving "au natural" has to be less than 6% (since that is what our chances were with Clomid and sex).

With that said, it is nice to be able to play for free. A chance.

Cautious Optimism - Part 2

Yes, I still am thinking about it, I actually never stopped. After thinking about it, I don’t like what I figured out. How I hate saying this, I think T is right. Err….it makes cautious optimism so much more difficult! (As if life with infertility isn’t difficult enough!)

Did I tell you that I have formed another ending for our baby quest, if we never get the baby? We will do three medicated (Clomid) IUIs and G-IFT. Then, if we are unsuccessful, well that is why I’m here muddling thru cautious optimism.

To sum it up, T’s definition means that I need to be OK with any results. That leaves us with a few options of possible outcomes: 1. We get lucky and pregnant with a baby that sticks around and is in our arms in nine ½ months; 2. We don’t get lucky and proceed to adoption; 3. We don’t get lucky and proceed to a child free existence. (Yes, I do know that there are so many other options in between. But, I don’t want to hurt my brain any more. It hurts as is.)

The problem is that I am perfectly content with options one and two. Both options get us to my desired end result of being a parent and having a beautiful little one of our own. Yes, with adoption, I still mourn a little. It is sad to consider I’ll never get to see T’s deep blue eyes or dimples on our child or recognize a missed loved one. But, I think I would be really good with a child to love.

The option I have an issue with is the third, living child free. It has its perks. No responsibility except to each other. Always being able to live in the moment and only for ourselves. Taking vacations to wherever and whenever we want. To be a family as a couple. After all we still are a family.

But, will we miss not being parents? To share our love with someone else. Someone to know us and be able to carry us on, after we go, a legacy. Never said that I wasn’t selfish in this baby quest. And I think that this dilemma may all change if and when my sister has a child. Since he/she will be someone to carry our story after we are gone. And if I logically think about it, we do have children in our lives that we love very much.

I think about it all. And this is a part that I think about very much.

What happens when we are older and there is no one to care that we exist or existed? After all, when push comes to shove, family is always there. Even if you don’t like them. With the logical fact, that I will outlive T, a future alone is a little scary too. No one to share memories of his/her Dad.

I’m focusing on all of this because I know that T hasn’t thought it thru.

And, in my craziness I need to think of all the options before he has decided, to prepare myself. To be OK with whatever he comes up with. And this is the part that scares me that I won’t be OK with an end result that he wants and vice versa. It leaves me in terror thinking about it. He always says, whatever (procedure) you want. But, he is hesitant about adoption. And I understand that, he needs his time to process. After all only a few months ago, he had to process us needing ART to conceive. We had to go thru all of the failed medicated and sex cycles for him to come to that conclusion. So, it is safe to say he will come to my conclusion in the end. But who knows?

Ultimately, he is my family. And no matter how much I want a baby, he is better than a maybe baby. So, I need to have my allegiance to the one I know will be around and that is my T.

Wow, I think I just reached cautious optimism. Well, at least for this exact moment in a logical thought process. My T is a constant and maybe baby is a variable so that equals a Dianne who is going to stick by her guy. So in the end, I’m OK with option number 3 too.

It doesn’t mean that I cannot mourn our wanted child. Despite however much I think I’m OK with it, it still makes me sad. And I have a feeling that will be the case for some time. As I realized in the counselors chair a few weeks ago, I have at least another 15 years of my friends and family telling me their having a child. Therefore, I need to get over it. I need to get OK with it on an emotional level. But, that will have to be another day and she has promised to get me to that point.

Also, I logically am reminded that I have no idea how this story ends, I’m just trying to anticipate it. So much for living in the moment, something else to work on.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was a kid, I used to say lawyer. But within the first two years in the legal field, I found that it wasn't like Matloc.k and I decided that it really wasn't what I wanted.

So the answer changed to, I want to be a mom.

It was a surprise to me as much as everyone else. Since I always thought of being a mom as being a side job. (My mom worked when I was a kid, she still does.) It probably had to do with life circumstances, well at least a little bit. When I realized that law school wasn't in the cards, I also met my husband. And the maternal instinct kicked in to high gear. So, for the last seven years, I have wanted to be a Mom, still do.

And I pursued another position within the legal field that would allow me to be a mom. I like my current job, but since I graduated in 1998 and survived several mergers and acquisitions, I know that it probably isn't permanent.

Since, I have been contemplating cautious optimism, I figured out that my husband's theory is right. In order to practice cautious optimism, you have to be OK with any of the results. (More on that later in another post.)

So, that has left me with all of the options that may happen. And one of them is living childfree.

(Adoption is also an option, but for me to play the game correctly, I need to think of all the options because who knows if T would want to adopt? His brain doesn't work like mine. He has no need or want to think of scenarios before he has to.)

To analyze whether or not I would be OK with it. As my brain works, I've come to the conclusion that if I become OK with it, I need to come up with a new "What I want to be when I grow up?"

Since I was thinking that Mother.hood would be my full time career. I want a career that could take its place. Yes, I know that is a tall order. But, my plan B dream should have just as much meaning, enjoyment, satisfaction, no?

And I have no idea. (Wow, good thing I have a real life friend who is a career counselor. I may need to have her test me if I need to get off this quest for baby road.)

Funny, it doesn't really scare me that I have no idea. It kind of makes me feel young. And with so many options that I'm overwhelmed by them all. Something to think about besides infertility. I kind of like it.

Relaxation

We’ve all heard it. “Just Relax.” Most of the time, those words can bring me to a screaming banshee state. However, with my new year’s resolution of finding peace, I’ve been forced to face relaxation which seems to go hand and hand. (Also, it does seem beneficial to do everything possible to increase our chances, and sometime the mass public is right.)

As I’ve grown to know myself, I know that relaxation does not come naturally. I must work on it!

Amazingly, after several months of doing something about it, I’m actually starting to feel relaxed! Imagine that me, a high strung person, can really relax. So much so that I can feel myself calming and being more in the present instead of waiting for what is next. You may be asking how?

Well it started with the therapist. I only go once a month now. As she put it, “Nothing is wrong with you. It is unfortunate that just because you can’t have a baby “naturally” you are forced to explain your want for a child. When, if you could just get pregnant like the majority of people by getting drunk, they would be asking why not? No wonder you need to get some things off your chest.” Now, those are words of a wise woman.

It was reinforced with the relaxation technique she taught me in November. It is a combination of imagery, concentration of breathing, and flexing-release movements. (She also suggested Self-Nurture by Ali Domar; the only reason that I know it is a combination of anything.) Originally directed to do it twice a day, I’ve only been able to do it once a day. The hope is to trigger a Pavlove’s Dog response. Think relaxation and be relaxed. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Lastly, I’ve thrown yoga into the mix. I love it. Could it be the early stages of an infatuation, but it could also be the long everlasting for real kind of love. It puts me in a “zen” place. As an added bonus it helps with my back pain!

So, it may not be how most people do it, but it works for me. Here is hoping it helps with the other thing too. Fingers crossed.

Reminders

In the last few weeks, my Mom has been talking about my cousin B. As many of you know, he passed away in September, at twenty-one, from a massive brain aneurysm caused by several brain tumors. As expected, the family is healing and at the same time missing him terribly.

His sister is pregnant with a boy due in June. If you are like me, well you have quickly made the calculations and S got pregnant two weeks (Ironically around the night of their Mom’s 50th birthday party, the last time I saw him.) before B died. Since S suffered a miscarriage earlier last year and she is feeling the loss of her brother strongly; she feels that her brother had to die so that her child could exist.

Now, I don’t personally see it this way. Along with so many other reasons, I believe that children are born so that we remember our loved ones.

When I was a child, my Grandmother used to say, “You are just like my mother-in-law. How I miss her.” But then she would tell me how I was like her, how I reminded her of her in so many good ways. With others, I remind them of themselves or a beloved deceased cousin.

B always reminded me of our Grandfather. Even though he is with us, he lives far away and if I am lucky I get to see him once in two years. B’s hands and personality were just like my Grandfather. They both are so quiet, always intently listening and then when you least expect it they would say the funniest thing! How I miss them both.

As a result, I am so excited for S’s baby. I can’t wait to see who he is like. Because I am not presumptuous to think that he will be like B. But, there are so many that I would love to be reminded of; to see and recognize them in this little one will be a gift.

And I am sad that we may never have that our selves. Part of the reason, I want a biological child is that I would love to see our loved ones in our child; T’s Dad, my Grandparents, B, etc. Sigh.

Nota Bene - A Reminder

During my next two week wait, I will refer to this entry and remind myself that everything I am feeling is not indicative of pregnancy, instead it is my "normal" menstrual cycle.

1. Breast changes approximately 7 days before.
2. Cramps approximately 5 days before.
3. Food cravings approximately 2 days before. (Usually for Italian food and chocolate.)
4. Spotting approximately 1 day before.
5. LP is approximately 16 to 20 days long.
6. The cats always like me and prefer to lay on my stomach.
7. Sense of smell is enhanced about 4 days before.
8. Clomid makes me nauseous from ovulation to menses.

Hopefully, this will help in keeping my neurotic thoughts to a minimum. Well, a girl can try.

"Always Change"

A few years ago, our priest, Father M preached about Change. His sermon was directed at a bunch of graduating teens. He talked about how most people write, "Never Change" or "Don't Change" in year books. And how that he wanted them/us to change because it meant growth, basically people need to change, and that it is always good. As in most cases, when I left Father M's masses, I felt enlightened. He spoke the truth, to grow you have to change.

This memory has been playing in my head, with the realization that I have changed yet again. I am not the same person as I was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, many of my basic qualities are still there, but my view of the world and how I respond to it has ABSOLUTELY changed.

When did it change? When it became clear that I was truly infertile. I don't know if it happened after the HSG, or the first, second, third, fourth round of Clomid failing, our two year anniversary; but it happened sometime during all of those roller coasters. It happened when I had to explain the various procedures or when I had to tell my T that we HAD to have sex NOW! It changed when I started to defend and justify my want to be a mother. It happened.

And it has changed me and my relationships in so many ways.

I've learned to defend myself. Before infertility, I had known that there were times when I should have stood up for myself. But more often than not, I let go of it to preserve the relationship. I took crap from so many people, because I my extreme loyalty. I no longer have that same threshold. And as a result, I tell people now when they have hit the mark of too much crap. Some people, I think, respect it. Others have not liked it. My loyalty is still there, but now I include loyalty to myself.

Pregnancy is no longer an easy thing. Whenever someone tells me they are pregnant, I pray for them. Truly pray. Because I have lost my naivety about pregnancy. It is no longer something that is easy or taken for granted. It is a gift and privilege to have a healthy pregnancy and child. It is not a guarantee.

Now, I am more critical of people with children. I get angry when people treat there children with anything but respect. Believe me, I don't believe this means you shouldn't scold your child, or teach them boundaries. But, I get upset when people don't want to spend time with their kids, or act like they are a burden. If your kid wants to spend time with you by sitting on your lap or having you read to them, take it!

A harmless comment no longer exists. I take things to heart. I no longer can sit back and let people make what they believe a harmless comment from my mother to a stranger. Now, I feel a need to say something. Before, I wouldn't have bothered and made an excuse for them. Now, I don't have the patience. I also try not to make the harmless comment, and when I fail, I apologize.

It has changed my relationships with my husband, family and friends. Some have been strengthened by this change. The conversations are deeper and so are the understanding. Many times I know that they are at a loss, but every effort is truly appreciated. And even though I valued them so before, my admiration and endearment have grown.

My changes have increased my love for my T and I feel his love for me. I have learned more about him during this change than any other time. Like how when I cry, he hates it. Can't stand it. He would rather avoid all topics that potentially upset me than talk about them. He only has a need to talk about a scenario when he absolutely has too. And that ultimately, he only wants to make me happy. How he truly loves me, because he doesn't blame me for our childlessness or when I am in an irrational, emotional phase because of Clomid. How he has changed his point of view on children, to protect his own heart as much as me.

My baby sister is now my protector. When my mother went on a most hurtful tirade, it was my baby sister who called her to make her apologize to me. In the most empathetic act, she has made a contingence plan with her fiancé if they too are inflicted with infertility.

Friends have truly listened and been there for me.

I've also gotten to know some amazing people because of this change.

So for all the bad things infertility has brought, it has brought me good things as well. It has brought change. And change is ALWAYS good because you can't grow without it. At this exact moment, because I know I will curse it sooner than later, I am grateful for my infertility.

How do you like it?

Ok, I have just signed up to the "New" B.logger. And so far, I kind of like it. I can actually comment on your blogs, which I haven't been able to do for months, but believe me I have been reading! I can customize my blog, which my limited knowledge of H.T.M.L. always prevented me from doing before. So, far so good. How do you like it?

Also, please do read the "Cautious Optimism" post below. I really am curious to find out what you believe the term means and how (you do or would) practice. Thanks!

Cautious Optimism

As I continue my preparation for our next step in infertility treatments. I am trying to arm myself.

The last few months have been productive, despite some turbulent moments. I survived the holidays. I learned my limitations: with people, with myself, and with the pursuit for baby. I learned about the wonderful world of therapy; to practice a relaxation technique and be in a moment for a while. I’ve enrolled in a yoga class. (I start Monday and I am so excited.)

But, it has also led me to cautious optimism. Seems like a harmless phrase; something easily accomplished and understood. Many people discuss it in relation to infertility. But my logical part asks, “What does it mean and how do I practice cautious optimism?”

Honestly, it seems like you need to practice it if you want to survive. To avoid all the roller-a-coaster action and utter disappointment that is infertility. Why is it then I cannot find a “how to” book, a definition, concept discussion online, etc.

So, I asked people in my reality:

T’s answer, “You look at your wanted result, with caution. You know that there are many outcomes and are satisfied with any of them and if the ultimate outcome results you are ecstatic, but it isn’t the end all.”

Great theory honey, and I am working on being equally happy with other resolutions. But I believe that would mean I would be equally happy with being childfree. While the idea has grown on me considerable, maybe that it might just be the outcome, I’m just not there yet. Therefore using your definition, I’m screwed. So, I must chug along.

A colleague brought up the topic dealing with work. I asked him what it meant. He said, “If it is raining, there is a 100% chance of rain. If it isn’t raining, then it isn’t raining.”

He admits that he is a pessimist and I have to agree. No optimism in this one.

My therapist suggested not thinking about the wanted end result. To concentrate on other things which make me happy. To ignore all signs of a positive solution. To only focus on other good things in my life and list them everyday in order to focus only on those things and not the desired outcome.

It seems to be a reasonable answer and a logical one that I will attempt to practice. But infertility, especially when you are going thru treatments are all consuming. In practice I believe this will be extremely hard. But, I can try. And if I am successful 10% of the time, I’ll be content with myself. However, isn’t it almost ignoring it, pretending you aren’t experiencing it or what you are aiming to achieve?

Regardless, my aim is to increase the arsenal against infertility’s emotional devastation.

What I intend to do in practicing cautious optimism?

Continue relaxation technique.
Continue seeing my therapist.
Continue to walk at lunch (aim for five days, be satisfied with two).
Start yoga on Monday, January 8th.
Get a massage once a month.
Seek other activities to do during treatments (book club, cooking classes, increase yoga classes, etc.).
Write a daily list of things I am grateful for when I am undergoing treatments.

I truly believe that if I am able to learn to practice cautious optimism, it will help me find peace. And maybe it will automatically lend itself to infertility too.

What are your thoughts? How do you practice “cautious optimism”?

****

How will I remember 2006?

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

Thank you to all who stayed awhile, I'll never be the same.

****

Welcome 2007!

A clean slate. More this year than any other, I feel like this year holds opportunity, a chance, for good things to happen. All the bad is being wiped away with the end of 2006, and only the positive will be left behind.

Why? I don't really know. I'm just in a good place. Feeling more at peace with life and myself. There really isn't any reason for this feeling. It actually may be fleeting. But for now, I feel good! So good, that I may actually keep to the original plan of starting up treatments in late February.

Wow.

****

Resolution:

To find peace. (So far so good.)

Empathy is not Pity

Mr. Webster I need your help with definitions:

Empathy – noun: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes or another.

Pity – noun: 1. sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 3. to feel pity or compassion for, be sorry for; commiserate with.

I don’t want to be pitied. Yes, that is not what I have been seeking by writing this blog or by talking about my infertility. I’ve been seeking empathy.

Lets focus on the words. Pity’s definition states: “give relief or aid or to show mercy.” Well, in my opinion most people cannot “fix” my problem, therefore they are unable to “give relief or aid.” And the only one that can “show mercy” is God. The only time that pity is applicable, per the definition, is when another infertile “commiserates with” me. (Please note that I include spouses/partners of infertiles when I say that because they are just as much effected.) Yes, pity is not allowed by people who are not experiencing the same thing. Therefore, if you are not experiencing equals no pity.

Empathy on the other hand is what I have been seeking. Unfortunately, many people never learned to empathize. To put yourself in another person’s shoes and to imagine how it would make you feel, if you were going thru what the other person is going thru. To imagine and understand the other person thru empathy.

My friends, this is what I am seeking from the vast majority of people in my life. Hence the reason, I have shared my blog with some of them. It is that by providing my thoughts, it is a means to provide insight so that empathy and understanding is achieved. Ultimately, I think that is what most people want. To be understood. And, it is really what I have been seeking.

Some people have excelled. They have been able to think about how they would feel if they were going thru the situation. They have been supportive and helpful, by listening. Because, honestly, when you practice empathy that is all you can do.

Others have not excelled. If you can’t empathize, and yes I recognize that some people don’t have that capability. I respectfully request that you attempt the following. Determine that you cannot empathize. If you don’t know what I am going thru and you don’t know what to say. You are not allowed to speak to me about the topic. The only statement you should make, “I don’t what you are going thru, and I can’t imagine.”

Also, if reading this blog has left you feeling pity, and you are not experiencing infertility, than please stop reading. It has not served its purpose, I never wanted you to feel bad for me.

I have a good life. This is only one aspect of my life that I wish it was not what it is. It is life altering, hence why it is currently so consuming to me. Having children is life changing, so taking that possibility from the equation is equally life changing. I am desperately coming to decisions/conclusions about my life and my husband’s. Life altering decisions, not having children is as equally distressing when it is what you thought would be your reality. Coming to another dream of your and your husband’s life is an enormously big deal.

Recently, a friend stated she “pities” me because I define myself by my fertility or my lack thereof. I do define myself by my infertility. If I rationally look at the situation, I know that is not the only thing that defines me. But, put yourself in my shoes, empathize. It really is no different than someone who defines themselves as single or a mother or a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. Ultimately, that is what they see when they see in the mirror. For someone like me, who in all intents and purposes thought she would have the title of mother by now, it is logical that infertile is how I define myself at this point. After all it is the reason why I haven’t reached my desired title.

Also, I don’t expect this to be the case for all times. I imagine with time, when we decide on the next path or something else becomes our reality (whatever it may be). I will view myself differently than I do in this moment. I will determine that I will title myself something else, but I believe I need to get to the step where my husband and I have come to a different dream. A different want for ourselves. Ultimately, infertility will not be the first quality that I see in myself. But, only God and time will help with me getting to that point.

Until then, try to empathize…it can be a valuable exercise, you may find that you need some in your own life.

Trials and Tribulations

I apologize for being so inconsistent with my blog. And if any one is still reading, this entry will not be light or fluffy.

Snippets of the last few months to explain my current feelings:

1. The Newport wedding was fine. Until, I find out from a third party that the bride is 11 weeks along. As I try to talk myself into being OK. I am approached by my husband's cousin who experienced male factor, and I start to cry. (Usually I am very happy when people tell me that they are experiencing, however with this couple the more I find out, the less I understand why they have been blessed.)

2. I saw the therapist and start to feel fine about things. It simply helped to chat about it with a real life person about infertility, who has gone thru it. She made me feel better. Not sure how. She taught me relaxation technique, more on that later.

3. Tuesday before Thanksgiving I talk to my cousin for about an hour. She is the only cousin that I have spoken to about infertility. Also, in those same conversations, I also told her how I CANNOT wait for her and her husband to get pregnant. Honestly, believe that they will make wonderful parents etc. More on this later.

4. Wednesday I go to the therapist and feel like a million bucks after. She teaches me a relaxation technique and it makes me feel great. I leave there and go see a cousin that I haven't seen in years because she lives in Portugal. Basically, she too has been experiencing infertility. She and her husband chose to live child free because she would have had to travel 4 hours by plane to get diagnosed and treated. It made me feel better to talk to her, because I felt less alone. Unfortunately, she doesn't live around here. Maybe I will need to make her a pen pal :).

5. Thanksgiving. Overall a great day. Make the turkey and stuffing without hurting anyone and from all accounts, it tasted great too.

6. Start doing the relaxation technique. Feel like a million bucks.

7. Saturday, I go shopping at a really early hour. Great news is that the pregnant army as well as the young family army is not there. FANTASTIC! I have found the right time for me to go shopping.

8. Sunday, my sister calls me up. We are chatting about Thanksgiving etc. When she tells me that my cousin is pregnant. The one first to be told about the infertility. She never told me that she and her husband were trying again. She had told me that they weren't trying. During the hour long conversation, we chatted about everything else. But never once did she hint at a possible pregnancy. Her parents are throwing her a surprise birthday party in two weeks. I am deathly affraid of the all important grand announcement. I feel betrayed and anxious.

9. Tuesday, I try to explain to my mother why I am upset. She believes that I am jealous. It is the furthest thing from the truth. When ever I find out that someone else is pregnant, I don't get upset that they are pregnant and I am not. I get upset that body cannot accomplish this "simple" task. I get angry at myself. Also, I tried to explain that the reason I am upset with Sandy is that I feel betrayed that she didn't tell me. That I was not worthy of being told. When I had deemed her worthy for her to know of my own problems. After this conversation, I experienced a minor anxiety attack. (I hadn't had one in years.) I get home and do the relaxation exercise and I feel better.

10. Wednesday, I decide that I need to tell my boss that the therapy sessions will be a regular thing. He asks if anything is wrong. I tell him that nothing is wrong, that I just needed to talk to someone. He asks if has to do with fertility. I admit that it does. He tells me to try and not to blame myself, that there is nothing wrong with seeing someone, and that his wife also had to undergo treatments to have his daughter. I am reminded that I have a great boss.

11. I get into the car. And feel fine. All of the sudden I am feeling anxious again. I have not been able to get rid of that feeling since yesterday. I didn't really sleep. I've tried to do the exercise three times and I still cannot quiet my mind. My next appointment isn't until next Wednesday. I really would like to relax.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Failure and Guilt

I am a failure.

Mr. Webster, I will need your help in defining the word and to explain.

fail‧ure –noun 1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure. 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear. 7. a person or thing that proves unsuccessful: He is a failure in his career. The cake is a failure.

As you can see, there were many more definitions. I will focus on the ones that apply to me.

As I said before, I am a failure. It has been brought to my attention that I have failed or proved unsuccessful in trying to have a child. Due to my nonperformance of pursuing extraordinary measures of having a child, I have failed. And therefore, I have proved to be even more unsuccessful. As I have proved above, I am a failure.

Why does this bother me so? Well, because I have never truly failed at anything. I used to joke that my parents gave me the initials of the grades they did not want to see in my report card; C, D, and F. Usually, I can work hard at something. Put all of my energies and try to change a potential failure into a success.

With trying to conceive, I can’t do any more than I have. Yes, I could face facts and go to the next step with my husband and enter the world of ART. But at this point, I am not ready. Because ultimately, I know too much. I know that ART is not a guarantee. And if I am having this much trouble with my current failures (25 months fast approaching 26), wouldn't it be safe to assume that further failure may put me over the edge? After all, if I and my body failed at ART, then we would be the ultimate failure. Mentally, I cannot survive that at this point.

So, what can a failure do? Well, if you are me, you feel guilty. Yes, add that to the bag.

Mr. Webster a definition please. guilt–noun 2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Again, it consisted of a couple more definitions. But, this is the one that makes the most sense. I feel guilty over a failure that I ultimately have no control over and fell guilty that I am not strong enough to pursue stronger measures. Guilty for my absolute failure and fear of failing more.

Before this consumes me, and it is very close to doing that, I will be visiting with a counselor who has dealt with infertility herself. Maybe she can make me understand that I am not as terrible as I feel. That I can't possible be a failure, because nature failed to give me the working hormones to accomplish this task, and therefore my feelings of failure and guilt are misplaced.

Ultimately, it is irrational that I think of myself as a failure or feel guilty. Because there was no way of succeeding. It was Nature's failure, and therefore she/he should feel guilty. Maybe.

Happy 4th Anniversary, My Sweet.

You did well when you picked out our wedding song. It is more and more true as time goes on. Love you.

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES (Joshua Kadison)

You’re my piece of mind,
in this crazy world

You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow skies

And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight

My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes

And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won’t say goodbye ‘Cause true love never dies

You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes

And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes

Rose colored glasses

I have no patience for people who wear rose colored glasses.

These are the same people that seem to think that relaxing will help with having a baby.
These are the same people that believe buying (a big purchase item) will cause a baby to be conceived.
These are the same people that are absolutely determined that IVF will work for everyone.

These people are so absolutely positively in their own world. The sky is not blue, the world is not round, there is no gravity, etc.

I have no patience.

My mother is the biggest offender. Maybe it is that your mother should always think that only good will happen in your life. But, frankly, it is not realistic.

Let me give you an example of her glasses.

My cousin was diagnosed with a third brain tumor. The first two weren’t a walk in the park, but the third really was the icing on the cake. My mother firmly believed that he would survive. When I told her I researched the type of tumor he had, and that only about 5% lived after the first year. She told me I was crazy and that he would be fine.

When we got the call on the day he died that he had a massive aneurysm, she wanted to know when he would wake up? I as calmly as possible said “He isn’t. This is the end.” I was the bad daughter.

Rose colored glasses. I think I’ve misplaced mine with my patience.

Really people, face up to the facts of life. Shit happens.

Goals

If you haven’t realized, I have been in a funk. It started a long time ago, not even sure when and it was solidified with my cousin’s death.

Thank God for my husband. (I do everyday.)

As T says, “I never knew that Portuguese people held Shiva.”

Well, when B died, I didn’t want to leave my Aunt, Uncle, or cousins side. Throw in elderly grandparents, a mother and a sister on a verge of break down. And you get an overly concerned Dianne. So, we spent a lot of time with family for the two weeks after B’s death.

As a result, we saw many people that we don’t usually see. As most of my family have limited knowledge of what we are going thru, the baby topic came up. I always somehow reverted it to the fact, I want a dog. (Not sure, how I did this and wish I was able to do it more often.) My husband would chime in and say we both want a dog. Then I would say, we need to move before that can happen.

A few days later my friend S told me that her neighbor’s house price had significantly come down. Goofing around, I mentioned it to T.

He surprised me by saying, “Why don’t we buy a house?”

At the time, he probably only thought that it was a good idea because it is something we both want.

So, we went and barreled through the thought process. He really didn’t need to convince me too much. Put the baby making aside (which it was at that point) and concentrate on selling the condo ourselves, and then purchasing a house.

A project, a goal, something to work towards.

It makes me happy. (I know talk to me when we still haven’t sold the condo in three months, and I am all bummed that it hasn’t happened.) However, for now, it is making me ecstatic. Why?

It is an actual goal that I can do, put all of my energy into, and possibly (99.9% sure) that I can accomplish. Something with good old fashioned hard work, I can do. (No matter what I do about my infertility, at best my odds are only 50%. And so much of it is out my control.)

This is mostly in my control and no needles are involved. Granted there is the luck factor. Yes, even with selling a house there is luck to take into consideration. But the majority I can control. I can choose which websites to post on, I can choose when to have open houses, I can choose when to lower the price or call in reinforcements, etc.

It is something that has nothing to do with the great beyond. It has to do with human free will. Wow, this is making me so happy. Free will, choice, unrelated to my fertility, completely and totally something we want.

Granted, I did buy the St. Joseph statue to help me sell the house, so maybe I believe in supernatural guidance more than I care to admit. But, even in the prayer card it says “It’ll also help if the home is in good condition, well maintained, and reasonably priced.” (Check and loads of laughter.)

Stages of Grief

As I contemplate what Mel stated today in her blog:

"The one-upmanship that sociologists pick apart on the playgrounds begins with who has the more fertile womb. Because what is more feminine, more female, more powerful than the ability to create life?"

I am faced with an entry that I've started and never finished. About grief.

When I think about infertility, I try to pick apart the portions of the topic that I can learn about. To understand in a scientific way, especially when you consider that most of infertility has to do with the great unknown.

As I've stated, I am grieving. Research has been done on grief. I can learn about grief. So, it lead me to the Wikkapedia.

The stages are:

1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.
2. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.
3. Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.
4. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.
5. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

I realized recently that I have gone thru some of these stages and am seeking the final stage desperately.

(Side note, knowing myself, I know that I won't go thru "Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage." Mostly because I don't bargain anymore. Not since I was in high school and I tried to bargain for a friend's life. I know that God doesn't work that way. He doesn't bargain with anyone. Therefore, I no longer do it either, after all it is a HUGE waste of time.)

The stages and my take on them:

1. Denial and isolation - The "No, not me" stage.

I believe this stage hit me in November of 2005. Despite the fact I'd come to the conclusion that something was wrong with me. I wanted the doctors' to tell me nothing was wrong. I really did. It was unreasonable, but I was disappointed when they agreed that I needed some help to get pregnant. The denial portion for me was only about a week. Reality quickly set in.

The isolation portion of this stage, for me it should be a separate stage. I practiced isolation for several more months than denial and still have a tendence to go there. Isolation was safe and I did it until June of this year. I've gotten better, but even now I still would love to isolate myself and T from the Christmas season. Truly a fantasy to skip Christmas.

Christmas is a holiday for children. It brings the lack of child very much to the for front for me.

2. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.

Once I got over the shock of it and stopped denying the truth. I was sad. Looking at a child hurt. Holding one, left me empty. The longing was enormous. I felt empty. And all I could think of was having a child. This stage hits me every so often, most of the time I think I am over it. But, then God has a sense of humor and it is almost like the emptiness hits all over again.

3. Anger - The "Why me?" stage.

(My current stage.) I realized recently that I've been grieving over my fertility or lack thereof more than not having a child. Instead of it making me sad or depressed, I am ANGRY. It makes sense, because I am slow to anger. It always takes me a while to get angry, I have to think about the situation and then let it hit me and come to the conclusion that there is something to get angry at.

It is a slap in the face that my body doesn't perform in the "normal" way. It makes me feel less of a woman that I cannot ovulate on my own or create the right hormones to get pregnant. It is frustrating that nature has caused this in me and there is nothing in my control that I can do to change it.

I get so furious, when I see people get pregnant by accident. To parents who I know aren't worthy of that child. To see children born that I know won't be taken care of well. To see people who have done things to themselves (like take drugs or starve themselves) and yet they have no problems. It makes me angry that I have a problem and these people don't.

I feel like a whinner, but it really isn't fair. Just.

And then I remember that things happen that aren't fair or just, all of the time. Things aren't always right.

4. Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.

It leads me to the belief that the final stage is not far. To accept would be a great gift. And sometimes I think I have it, and then I remember the anger or I get slapped again with the grief. Maybe I need more time for me to be at this stage. But, I am praying for it.

That someday, I will be OK with my body.

OK that we had a child with help from medical science or adoption. Or OK with the fact that we haven't had a child.

I am seeking acceptance. Anyone know how to get there?

Catching up…..tagged.

Miss E and Joei, you both tagged me about a month ago. Please forgive and I will make my attempt at responding to your words.

For Miss E:

Excuse: I dislike excuses, but I am guilty of making them. It always seems dishonest to me, never truthful or sincere. It seems that we all do it, I wonder if anyone is “OK” with it. If it is just accepted, because well sometimes, you just don’t want to do something. Would it be better to for go the excuses, not sure, I think it would cause more anger in the world. Sometimes, I think an excuse is easier. Not exactly right, but easier.

Embrace: The word itself make me think of a Harlequin book. The lovers embraced. But, I love a meaningful embrace or a good old fashioned hug. It gives strength when there is none; knowledge that they are loved and not alone. The day my cousin died, my family embraced each other many times over.

But, I’ll never forget when my mother turned to my father for an embrace. She was feeling the pain, it was evident. My father enwrapped his arms around her. It will stay in my memory for a long while, because it shows to me that they do find comfort in each other. To be truthful, I wonder about that sometimes.

Eyebrows: They should always be groomed. A well shaped eyebrow frames your face, allows for expression, and defines your eyes. And your eyes are the windows to the soul.

Enchilada: YUMMY. The enchilada had me at the melted cheese, but add a little extra salsa. I think I need some Mexican. My mouth is watering.

For Joei:

Snow: As a born and bred New Englander, snow is a double edge sword. It brings a pristine landscape, playing, hot chocolate, cuddling, etc. However it also means, shoveling, and more shoveling, and more shoveling. I think it lost its wonder when I stopped having snow days and actually had to get somewhere. Snow on the weekend is acceptable and much more preferable.

But now, it will always have another meaning and association. Since you introduced the word to me with your snow babies. I love that association, it will always make me smile.

Round: What I fear that I will become with or without a pregnancy.

Innocent: Children are the most innocent of us all. I envy their innocence because I think we all loose it so fast and it can never be replaced.

Cookie: Warm chocolate chip cookies. I think I need to do some baking. The kind you can use for a sundae.

I think everyone I know was tagged. Sorry.

God has a sense of humor.

I see Him sitting on a big comfy couch with a large TV. Remote in hand, and continuously flipping through the channels. Occasionally, stopping at a saga, drama, comedy, etc. The shows are our lives.

On my channel, I believe He has directed a sadistic comedy. Yes, I am not saying that He has an evil side, I am saying that sometimes He has a sick sense of humor.

Let me tell you of two things that recently have happened in the last week, and you can tell me what you think.

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We just recently hired an attorney. About eighteen months ago, we interviewed her. At that time, and even now I was encouraging my boss to hire her. We finally did.

She comes into the office on her first day. As soon as she walked in, I noticed a small bump. Yup, you guessed it, she is three months pregnant with her second. So, my once pregnant army free environment at work is no longer.

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As we all know, I have had drama in my life with the simple task of ovulating. (Yeah, I know simple, very funny.) Guess what happened this cycle? As soon as, T and I decided whatever, we are going to take a break, lick our wounds and concentrate on other things for a little while. I ovulated. Actually earlier than when on the Clomid. Right in time, so that I can’t drink at the up coming wedding. How convenient?

Free Choice

Free choice is an interesting thing. It is our will, our choice, as a human to do something. It can be good and it can be bad. I like free choice, because it also means control. The type of person I am, I need and like control. Things that I can dictate the end result to.

When free choice is taken away, it puts me in a tail spin. For the last twenty-four months, I’ve been in a crazy state because of my lack of control, there is no free choice with infertility.

It is a cross to bare, my cross. As a Christian, I believe that we all have crosses to bare. Jesus had the ultimate cross to bare, he had to die for us. But, we all have crosses. I’ve decided that it is the thing that I have no control over; it is the item that nature has placed in my lap without reason or explanation. It is something I have no free choice over. I believe we all have this, something that we have no control over.

I realized recently, that my cousin dealt with this knowledge at a very young age. He was forced to deal with something that he had no free choice over. But, he had free choice in how he would react to it. I’ve been shown that reality by two other friends and a second cousin that died of terminal illnesses. They always knew their time was short, but they choose to be remarkable people and do what they could with their lives. Yes, this also meant they fought to battle their diseases, but in the end they did their best to live their lives the way they wanted to live them. They never put things on hold for the what if, they lived first and for most.

This is a lesson learned recently by me. I’ve been putting my life and my husband’s life on hold. We are constantly having our lives and budget dictated by my reproductive cycle, ovulation predictors, examinations, treatments, etc. We have put everything else on hold. From buying a house to taking a vacation, it is time that we move forward and do something that is in our control. Take a step that has nothing to do with us becoming parents, but it is something that we both want.

So, we are going to sell our condo and buy a house. We are going to settle in, continue to use the predictor sticks, live our lives and go on with it. Take vacations, when we can afford it after the house :). Buy a dog when we are ready. If a baby happens, fantastic and if not, we reexamine treatment later.

After all, since I seriously doubt it will happen right now or any time soon. I think I need to regain some hope. It will take some serious time for this to happen. Also, our path may not lead to treatment but to adoption. I am more and more inclined to think this maybe a solution to our dilemma. It may be something that might be more right for us. Or maybe living without kids is our destiny. May be God is telling us that you aren’t meant to be responsible for a child, you’ve all ready been responsible, and it is now your opportunity to have fun. I have no idea what life is going to present.....more on that topic for another day.

Empty

Thank you for your condolences and good thoughts. The prayers must have been working because my Aunt and Uncle were doing remarkably well yesterday.

The rest of the family, well, we each had our moments. It is truly WRONG to see a young person die. I always thought the next time I would be at a church for B, it would be for his wedding. He would have made a fantastic husband, father, and grandfather.

It was so hard to see him being buried near my Grandmother, and so comforting at the same time. My Aunt will be buried near her son and my Uncle will be buried near his mother when it is all said and done. Hopefully not for many years to come.

I see my cousins, B's siblings, and my heart breaks over and over. I think of the bond I have with my own sister and I know that they must be inconsolable. However, they are going on.

I notice the family. We don't necessarily like each other, but we always love each other. There is a significant difference. This love is evident this past week.

Last, but certainly not least, I realize what a good husband I have. He totally stepped up, and I realize it is because he has made my family his. In every sense. For this I am so grateful considering I couldn't say the same for all of my cousins' chosen spouses. But each of the ones who I noticed this in, I thanked them. Since I appreciated them for holding us up, when we had no strength.

With so much love present, I feel empty. Numb to everything else. Grief leaves me this way. It is almost like an overload of feelings that drains me to nothing. Especially since I know that nothing will be the same, I don't feel the same.

Change. Death brings change. I don't always like change, but I know that it is needed. I just wish that this change didn't have to happen.

Prespective

My 21 year old cousin B died today.

His battle with brain tumors started 12 years ago, involved three brain surgeries, chemo, radiation and ended with a massive brain aneurism.

From the very beginning he had strength, courage, selflessness beyond his age. He never complained about his situation. Never asked "Why me?" Always more concerned for those left behind. He taught me so many lessons even though I was his senior by 8 years.

Today, while he was unconscious I told him these things. I also told him that he was my hero. He is, has always been, an example of a person that I should aspire to be like.

As I mourn, I will remember the lessons he has taught me. Carry them with me forever, along with all the happy moments. I will try to stop asking "Why B?" After all he truly was the very best of us all. And, if there was anyone that God would want near him, it would be him.

As I know he was always mostly concerned with his family, please pray for them with me.

May God's peace and grace fill their hearts' in this time of need. May his healing qualities enrich them in this difficult time and may they realize that they are not alone. I ask this in the name of your son, Jesus. AMEN.

Definition of Break

After reading my previous post, a definition of break (for me) is needed.

We don't pursue the medicated IUIs. I continue with the fertility monitor and if by some miracle ovulate without medication we take advantage. After all it would be remis of us not to take advantage. (A free ovulation!)

Please note that I seriously doubt this will happen since I've ovulated once in the last nine months without medication and considering my prognosis of anovulation, it would be a miracle. But miracles happen.

The benefit of the break will be not to be on medication. Not to feel pregnancy symptoms at least for six months. To be able to think clearly. To regain a balance of life and feel less crazy/out of control. To be able to have hope that it will happen someday.

At this point, I don't seriously think it will happen. Therefore, before I am put thru additional treatments of IUI and stronger medication, I need to gain hope that it might be a possibility.

What do I plan on doing in the next six months? Blog, read blogs, read and write on the Vent board, relax, drink my wine, yoga, walk, read coping books on infertility, and maybe see a counselor specializing in infertility or seeing a hypnotist. (The last two are a little out of my usual scope of things, but I need to come to peace with things and calling for reinforcements seems like a good idea.)

Also, planning on finally finishing the letter to the Senator, my post on secondary insurance and finishing my own application, etc.

Wow, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Happy Second Anniversary?

It is official, two years have passed. Today is the anniversary of the beginning of the trying to conceive saga.

It was rather an uneventful event in and of it’s self. It had come with several months of me talking and T saying, “Whenever you are ready.” It was the day I stopped taking the Pill and started the pre-natal vitamins. The day, I said to myself, “I’m ready to be a Mom.”

Two years later, there is nothing more I would want to be. Yet, I feel further away from achieving that goal. I’ve sat on trying to obtain secondary insurance. I’ve hit a low with false hope and my body. It could be self preservation, but it seems that I don’t have faith that it will EVER happen biologically. And during this cycle, except that I absolutely HATE active cycles, I simply do not know if I am or not. But with my track record, I seriously doubt it. (I hope I live to eat those words.)

With the fact that T’s car died today (of all days) and we will need to buy a new car in the next few days. I think it may be time to stop and take a break. It seems all the signs are there.

It is time to recharge the batteries. To save some money for trying to conceive since, even with the secondary insurance, it is a daunting financial endeavor. To come to grips that I am anovulatory with PCOS and that for us to have a child it will take more than having intercourse more often. It will take more than Clomid. And I fear more than IUI. Yes, I know that I should have accepted this by now, but I feel like I mourn the situation each time we hit a crossroad in the journey.

With a break, will I be ready to resume in February, probably not, but it will be nice to have a break. To have intercourse, just to have it. To try and loose the 9 pounds that I’ve gained since Christmas. To take a vacation. To escape this madness, this hopelessness, this uncontrollable experience, at least for a little while.

Then I ask myself, will I be OK with others getting pregnant and having children while we wait. I think to myself that this will ALWAYS be the case. It most definitely been the case in the last two years, it will be the case in the future. It is a fact of life, children will be born. And I refused to become bitter because of my body. Again, F*CK my body! I will be happy for them because those babies were meant to be. Not to say, I won’t shed a tear or two or say “how I wish.” But, I will be the PROUD auntie D.

But, it does make my want to escape the holiday season intensify. How I truly want to skip Christmas. It is the time of year, that it becomes evident that our apartment/family is lacking someone. Truthfully, it is the time of year that really hurts. And this year, well, I’m just not looking forward to it. Actually I’m not looking forward to any part of it; shopping with families all around, Santa Clause and all of the children waiting to take their photos, Christmas cards announcing births, the Pregnant Army, etc. Skipping Christmas seems like self preservation at this point.

With all of this said, a break sounds really good at this time too. A break. If only, I could find an island to stay on for the entire six months. To avoid everything baby. (Not to worry, I’m not talking about any of you.) But, it would be nice to avoid all things baby when it comes to me. No more questions. No more admitting of our infertility. No more. At least for 6 months, then we will rethink the situation and go on with the next step of IUI.

Six months seems random. But it isn’t. I’ve decided that December, January, and February would be break months anyway. (My baby sister is getting married next October, I refuse to not make the wedding.) Therefore those were designated as time off anyway. Also, I can partake in flex medical spending account thru my company. It seems like a good idea to get that started before we do the secondary insurance. With all of that said and done, it is also the smart thing to do.

A two year present to myself for this awkward anniversary, a trying to conceive break. So hoping it will be a peaceful six months.

PCOS

I've been doing a little research on PCOS. In addition to my initial post on the topic.

The reason that I'm intrigued by this syndrom is that visually I don't have a great deal of PCOS characteristics. My Primary Care and Gynecologist, both dismissed PCOS despite my hormone levels. The only hormone that is out of whack is my testosterone. So, I've been intrigued to see what characteristics do pertain to me.

My initial research led me to The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, Inc. (I have a link to the site on the left.) On this site, it has PCOS frequently asked questions. Per this site, many women with PCOS suffer from the following (I've highlighted the items that effect me.):

1. Amenorrhea (no menstrual period), infrequent menses, and/or oligomenorrhea (irregular bleeding) — Cycles are often greater than six weeks in length, with eight or fewer periods in a year. Irregular bleeding may include lengthy bleeding episodes, scant or heavy periods, or frequent spotting.
2. Oligo or anovulation (infrequent or absent ovulation) — While women with PCOS produce follicles — which are fluid-filled sacs on the ovary that contain an egg — the follicles often do not mature and release as needed for ovulation. It is these immature follicles that create the cysts.
3. Hyperandrogenism — Increased serum levels of male hormones. Specifically, testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS).
4. Infertility — Infertility is the inability to get pregnant within six to 12 months of unprotected intercourse, depending on age. With PCOS, infertility is usually due to ovulatory dysfunction.
5. Cystic ovaries — Classic PCOS ovaries have a "string of pearls" or "pearl necklace" appearance with many cysts (fluid-filled sacs). It is difficult to diagnose PCOS without the presence of some cysts or ovarian enlargement, but sometimes more subtle alterations may not have been recorded, or are not recognized as abnormal, by the ultrasonographer.
6. Enlarged ovaries — Polycystic ovaries are usually 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
7. Chronic pelvic pain — The exact cause of this pain isn't known, but it may be due to enlarged ovaries leading to pelvic crowding. It is considered chronic when it has been noted for greater than six months.
8. Obesity or weight gain — Commonly a woman with PCOS will have what is called an apple figure where excess weight is concentrated heavily in the abdomen, similar to the way men often gain weight, with comparatively narrower arms and legs. The hip:waist ratio is smaller than on a pear-shaped woman — meaning there is less difference between hip and waist measurements. It should be noted that most, but not all, women with PCOS are overweight.
9. Insulin resistance, hyperinsulinemia, and diabetes — Insulin resistance is a condition where the body's use of insulin is inefficient. It is usually accompanied by compensatory hyperinsulinemia — an over-production of insulin. Both conditions often occur with normal glucose levels, and may be a precursor to diabetes, in which glucose intolerance is further decreased and blood glucose levels may also be elevated.
10. Dyslipidemia (lipid abnormalities) — Some women with PCOS have elevated LDL and reduced HDL cholesterol levels, as well as high triglycerides.
11. Hypertension (high blood pressure) — Blood pressure readings over 140/90.
12. Hirsutism (excess hair) — Excess hair growth such as on the face, chest, abdomen, thumbs, or toes.
13. Alopecia (male-pattern baldness or thinning hair) — The balding is more common on the top of the head than at the temples.
14. Acne/Oily Skin/Seborrhea — Oil production is stimulated by overproduction of androgens.
15. Seborrhea is dandruff — flaking skin on the scalp caused by excess oil.
16. Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown/black) — Most commonly on the back of the neck, but also but also in skin creases under arms, breasts, and between thighs, occasionally on the hands, elbows and knees. The darkened skin is usually velvety or rough to the touch.
17. Acrochordons (skin tags) — Tiny flaps (tags) of skin that usually cause no symptoms unless irritated by rubbing.

I may actually suffer cysts or large ovaries, but my insurance doesn't cover ultrasound for infertility testing, therefore my RE has never gone that far. Also, from what I've read you only need to have three of the symptoms to be considered with PCOS. So despite the fact that I don't have hirsutism or obesity (The ten pounds that I would like to go away, don't put me in this category. Also, please note I am not complaining, actually kind of grateful.), I do have PCOS.

After my initial research, I purchased a book titled PCOS and Your Fertility by Colette Harris and Theresa Cheung. An interesting tid bit:

People with PCOS should take extra vitamins and minerals. Because they produce too many stress hormones: cortisol and adrenaline. And when you are under too much stress, "they start to wear you down and overproduce not just cortisol and adrenaline, but testosterone, too. Excess cortisol, adrenaline, and testosterone will not only make PCOS worse, but will also drive your body toward irregular periods and subfertility. The adrenals rely on vitamins C, B5, B6, zinc and magnesium, and these are rapidly depleted when you're under stress, so a good multivatimin and mineral every day makes sense."

Why is this interesting? Well, because I ALWAYS have some type of cold. In the last three weeks, since reading the above paragraph, I've been taking an additional vitamin C to my pre-natal vitamin. Guess what? No colds.

Granted, I found a few more interesting tid bits, but the above paragraph was the most poignant.

Ultimately, to my Primary Care and Gynecologist, please consider more than what you see on the outside, because you may be overlooking something.

An Active Cycle

Since starting Clomid in May, I realize that I have active and quiet cycles. In the fourth cycle of Clomid, I am experiencing an active cycle.

Now, I hate active cycles. Why, because they give me hope. Again, it should be word banned from my vocabulary. Especially when it is false hope. Let me explain.

Like I said, I've been on Clomid for four cycles. The first was in May. I admit, I had no idea what to expect. The cycle was active. I felt nauseous, absent minded, crampy, experienced a keen sense of smell, etc. Basically, everything that I hear pregnancy causes. So, my first cycle I was convinced that I had ovulated. Since my gynecologist gave me the script and sent me on my way, I wasn't being monitored. I figured from body changes I had ovulated on CD 13. Although I never got a LH surge on my hand dandy monitor.

Well, at my first and second appointment with the RE, I found out that I was completely wrong.

My first appointment with the RE, I was at CD 30. They gave me blood work to determine if I did indeed ovulate. It came back inconclusive. As a result, I was told to come back in a week if my period had not started, which I did. During that blood draw, they saw the progesterone spike.

Yes, people the gynecologist had given me bad advice about when to take the Clomid as well as the wrong dosage, and as a result I ovulated between CD 30 and 38. Also she didn't tell me that my monitor would work while on the Clomid. (Because my PCOS doesn't come along with a high LH which she must have known considering I had that checked at her office.) So, despite all the body signs I read, I never surged.

Very aggravating considering I was convinced that I had ovulated and could possible be pregnant. Granted the four home pregnancy tests and the beta confirmed the opposite.

I did a little bit more research and found that Clomid causes pregnancy symptoms. Somehow I find that cruel.

So, the RE upped the dosage to 100mg and directed me to take it on CD 5-9 instead of CD 1-5. I've ovulated three times on that dosage. Also, relatively early for me(CD 20, CD 18 and CD 18). Much better. At that dosage, my symptoms involved cramps pre-ovulation, moodiness, and forgetfulness. Nothing really bad and to be honest, my body was really behaving by not having pregnancy symptoms. In my book, it was being considerate.

Well, I think I may have thought that too early. My body is misbehaving again. I know, when has it been cooperative or supportive in this endeavor?

For the last few days, I've been experiencing cramps, an accute sense of smell, nausea, moodiness and forgetfulness.

DO NOT SAY IT.....WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING....PLEASE....DO NOT SAY IT TO ME OR THINK IT.

I really feel this false hope again. As a result, I am guarding myself and chalking it up to that. FUCK my body. I am stopping the mind games!

So, this two week wait will only suck even more than usual not only because of the active cycle. Besides the fact I had a bridal shower last Sunday that I forbad myself from drinking at; I also have a family party this Saturday that I won't be allowed to drink at! UGH! Also, my test day is J's wedding. YUP, my fourth active cycle SUCKS right now. The only thing that could change it, well I don't need to say it, because you all know what could change it.

With that all said. I am not in a bad place. Honestly, I am feeling calm, cool, and collect. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. If it happens I will be ECSTATIC. However, if it doesn't I want to just accept the SUCKINESS of infertility and move on. It will be the only way I can get thru this situation.

Also, despite this post, I am always HOPEFUL. I am the eternal optimist. And even when I fight hope, I am hopeful.

Praying that FALSE HOPE dies a long and painful death, soon.

God's Promise

God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
And for all who believe in His kingdom above,
He answers their faith with everlasting love.

Fourth Ovulation

Yes, the fourth ovulation in twenty-four months has come. There she is again, hope and possibility.

I've been praying for peace, grace, and faith.

Peace provides calm, acceptance, and openness to the future. Grace is the sensation of having someone else in control. Faith is peace of mind that the Almighty God will take care of everything for us. They are healing gifts that I am desperately yearning for right now.

Notice, I have not been praying for hope.

Hope is disappointment, especially when it comes to trying to conceive.

In the next two week wait, I'm asking for peace, grace, faith, and a little strength.

Confession

Why is it that I feel when I admit that we are going thru infertility it is a confession?

Today, at a Bridal Shower, while I was sitting next to the only pregnant person in the room. Well, because it was the only seat available. I realized that there was only one person in the room who knew besides me of our dealings with infertility.

While, I was sitting there my mother-in-law and I were chatting along with the rest of the women in my husband's family. I hardly feel close to these women, except for the one who knows. And I hardly feel guilty that the majority do not know.

However, as I was being introduced to an old family friend as T's wife and that all important question was posed to me by my mother-in-law. "When are you having children?"

I thought quickly of my options. 1. I've been diagnosed with high testosterone and don't ovulate without medication. Also we have started going thru infertility treatments. 2. It really isn't any of your business. 3. We're working on it.

I choose number three. Thinking while saying it that telling my mother-in-law maybe need to be done before the family wedding in October.

It feels like I'm confessing a dirty secret. Not sure why. I'm not embarassed about the diagnosis. But, we don't have a close relationship. She is my husband's mother. However, they aren't very close either.

How I wish we would just get lucky soon so that I wouldn't have to make any more confessions to people that I don't feel inclined to share with.

Random thoughts and some craziness

Craziness is the only word to sum up what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. Here are a few updates.

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I’ve literally been angry with my body. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that sounds. I'm angry at my body but not at myself. See, I think that I’ve separated the one into two in order for my psyche to deal with the frustration of trying to conceive. Please note that I’ve never been thrilled with its operating skills when it came to the reproductive system, but the last few months have definitely brought it more into to focus.

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After reading about Large Pandas. It turns out that they too only ovulate once a year and have to resort to ART to have a child. Somehow, I feel a camaraderie with the animal. After all, I too have only ovulated once in the last nine months au natural and have to resort to drugs to get myself to ovulate. I wonder if I could get into the endangered species category and have the national community pay for my ART.

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I may have found an insurance. However, I need to finalize it and as soon as I do I will share with you all what I’ve learned. Call me crazy, but I just don’t want to jinx it.

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Last week, I was swamped at work, trying to find insurance and I have been put thru a ringer with my parents.

They think I am their slave and have given me several tasks to be completed by October for my sister's engagement party. One including booking flights for my Grandparents. Not a big deal in and of its self. More than willing to do it, because yes I would like to see my Grandparents. But, when your mother calls you 27 times in 7 days. Well, I’ve had it. Last three calls, my father YELLED at me over the engagement invitation list. I’m doing the script, I have nothing to do with the list. Last time I checked, I’m 30 years old and beyond the point where he should be yelling at me, especially over a wedding that is not mine!

Don’t they know I have enough stress in my life, that I don’t need them to add to it! Not to mention that stress is not conducive to what I am trying to accomplish.

Yesterday, after the SIXTH phone call and the THIRD call of me getting yelled at, T has decided to change our phone number to a private number. Yes, it does sound extreme. But, I am starting to see his brilliance in this situation. The wedding is a year away and if they are this crazy about the engagement party. Imagine how crazy they will be over the shower and wedding. Now, is the perfect time to change our number. Craziness.