Reflecting on 2007

For some reason this time of year leaves me reflecting on the past year. 2007 was the year I was desperately trying to change and every change hit a speed bump which caused everything to remain the same. (You know, wanting to have a baby and getting negative after negative. Trying to sell our condo and having to take it off the market because of our bad timing.) And the things that did change, well weren't that great - Adeus Avo. It is the year of continued stagnation and more loss.

But it also was the year that brought me a new brother-in-law. So it can't be marked as a complete bust.

As I look forward, 2008 brings more promise. And maybe only good change will happen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Winter Wonderland

If you can't beat them, join them. I am not a huge fan of the snow, but currently I live in a place that has been getting a lot of it. So, in honor of my winter wonderland, I felt a need to change the look of my blog.

My last few Christmas Holidays, I felt the same way. If you can't beat them join them. I was apprehensive and cautious about the child filled holiday. But this year, I didn't have that nervousness or ba hum bug feeling. (Although I did and do prepare for the panic attacks that always happened in my car ride home at this time.)

Instead, I've been singing in the car. Looking forward to my baking for my little guests and T (who is a big child). I've been delighted in the gifts that we have bought, and I can't wait to see if they are liked. I sent cards, although a little late.

We took it easy. We didn't even put up a Tree. But, I will be getting my Nativity scene up. Only the little ones and my parents got actual gifts; everyone else gift certificates. (Although T and I got each other some gifts.) And we are throwing a small get together but ordering most of the food. Ultimately, so far it has been a great holiday season.

As the next few days will be the most busy. I'd like to wish you all a very happy and merry holiday! And a peaceful, healthy, and charmed New Year!

Cooking

I will start off by saying that I am not a natural cook. You know the people who throw a little of this and a little of that and get a magnificent decadent dinner. I have plenty of these individuals in my family, the hubby, my mom, and my sister.

I am a natural baker. Following directions and being precise are both inherent in me. (Probably why I was good in Chemistry.) And cooking is a challenge. Since 2007was the year of facing challenges, I resolved to cook more regularly. My goal was to cook two to three times a week with an occasional venturing out of my norm of a meat, a starch, and a vegetable.

The first three months, I was diligent, but a mix of delicious and debacles. A few immediate wins with myself and T were Meatloaf, Feta Chicken, and Salsa Chicken.

The debacles presented themselves in the Roast Pork in a Pan and mushy beef stew. Trust me, don’t put cauliflower in a stew until the very end.

During these adventures, I was cautious and followed the recipes to the tee. Luckily they were mostly successes. After a few months, I felt more courageous. T’s accolades helped me venture out, as well as, many of you.

Kimberly’s Mac and Cheese looked so good. I had to try. When I decided to make it, I sadly realized that I had forgotten the V*lveta and had to adapt. So, I got more adventurous and decided to try this recipe instead (also from Allr*cipes). (It came out so well, that I think I’ll be making it for T’s little cousins for Christmas Eve.)

This need to be creative, gave me more courage to be adventurous, a few weeks ago I tried Chicken Cordon Bleu. Now, this is a recipe that always intimidated me. Complete bravery is what inspired me. After all, I hadn’t had any serious debacles since January. Bravery was and is a new feeling to cooking. I took a deep breath and went to the grocery store. The deli clerk told me about how he uses rosemary ham and K*rry Gold Iris Swiss Cheese. I got further inspired and added a tsp. of rosemary and ground mustard to the bread crumbs. It was scrumptious, before I realized T had four pieces. (Thinking of making these bit sized and serving them for Christmas Eve too.)

Writing this post made me realized how apprehensive I was about cooking and how my resolutions this year really helped me gain some comfort in the kitchen. Next year, I will be taking some cooking classes. I found a class that goes on every couple of months. It is a new adventure that I’m personally looking forward to.

**I'm sorry that I don't have any photos of my own creations. My digital camera has been out of sorts - I've actually asked for a new one for Christmas. And my cellphone doesn't have one. (I can hear the gasp from here :).) Hopefully in the next few months I'll become more technology savey. Looking forward to getting a new cellphone too!

May I have a cookie?

I have been swamped and completely overwhelmed with all of my work that I haven't had time to read or write. I am sorry.

Lets put it this way on Tuesday I worked until 6:00pm, and Wednesday I was at work at 5:45 am and left at 5:30 pm. So I wasn't even out of the office for a full 12 hours before I worked 12 hours!

My job is customarily a 9-5 special. And I know how spoiled I am, but I am not used to working 12 hours straight with out lunch. Goodness!

So, I promise to write about cooking, yoga, the holidays. I think that was what one out. I'll probably write about everythign else as many of you suggested. Thank you to you all that responded :), for some reason I get worried that no one will answer when I ask.

Off to the weekend....so looking forward to sleeping. Did I tell you have a terrible cold too? Thanks to a husband who refused to take care of his cold and decided to share. Ugh...really I am in a happy place :). Just sniffle and very, very, very tired!

Random Thoughts

Let me start by saying that Thanksgiving went well. It was quiet. And the days that followed were fantastic. We got to see some friends that we don't always get to see. The bonus was that we also got to see their kids too. It was fun.

But it also caused the knocking to start. And as a result, so many random thoughts have been coursing thru my mind. Ultimately, it has left me without the ability to write anything, since I don't know where to start. So, I leave it to you. Assuming, you are still there...what would you like to hear about?

1. Faces in the REs offices;
2. Jealousy/ The Haves and Have Nots;
3. Holidays;
4. Yoga and the Gym;
5. Cooking;
6. Perceptions; or
7. Your choice.

Hopefully someone answers :) and puts me out of my craziness.

Happy Thanksgiving

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into
enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos into order, confusion into clarity.
It turns problems into gifts, failures into
success, the unexpected i
nto perfect timing, and mistakes into
important events.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.

by Melodie Beattie

Luggage

Let me start off by saying, I fell positive and happy in our current situation. And to borrow a visual from Pamela Jeanne I feel like my baggage has been getting lighter. Maybe airport personnel are taking emptying them out. The items that have been going are all items they can keep: anger, bitterness, sadness, hopelessness, and grief.

These days I’m feeling free of those things and I feel great. I’m happy. On Tuesday a co-worker commented that I looked fantastic. She was attributing it to a new hair cut, the laser surgery and few days off. But, I know it was more than that, it was my feeling of peace and calm that I’ve found in the last few weeks.

This feeling started about three weeks after my first pill. It was the first time that I realized I had no idea what cycle day I was on nor did I care. The freedom only progressed. It was so liberating to know that I couldn’t get pregnant. It was power, because in three years it was the first time I felt the slightest bit of control over my body and my life.

Then the knowledge that we weren’t trying for a year started to sink in. But, it mostly was a great peaceful feeling of regaining my life. So, I joined a gym and remembered how good it felt to run on an elliptical and sweat. It felt so cleansing – it felt like I was ridding myself of all the toxins which formed in the last three years.

Taking this feeling to the next step, I’ve started to think about my life without the equation which had been burned into my head since childhood - when I have kids. Instead, I’m focusing more on T and I. And planning for my next step career wise, meaning what can I do to better myself in my career for the future? I’ve been looking into taking certifications, and how to better myself. Also, I’m mulling around the idea of starting a side business – Calligraphy. And looking at different programs to volunteer my time.

There is just so much I’ve put on hold. And it is liberating to feel as if I can branch out. It is like I’m realizing that I have the space to move and to spread out. I was so constricted by my infertility – so limited. I’ve been realizing how much the future has no limits.

Unfortunately, every time I think I’m completely free of those lost things, I get a knock on the door that they have found my lost item. So I am left holding the door with all my force and saying “I DON’T WANT IT BACK!”

I’m hoping that they loose my forwarding address.

I can see!

So, the laser surgery went very, very, very well. I go in tomorrow for my check-up and were they will remove the bandages (clear contacts) and give me my current vision. I can tell you it is perfect, if not nearly perfect. But substantially better than my -7.00 and -6.00 original vision. I'm really content.

But, I am late! Since I've been away from the computer, I missed something important! And if you all could help me redeem myself I would greatly appreciate it. Mel, at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters has been nominated for a special blog award. If you could find the time to click on this link and vote for her. Well, it would fantastic! Especially considering the national coverage this could potentially provide fertility patients. So please click and vote. Unfortunately, I'm a little late and we have until November 8th - tomorrow. So if you haven't and you have found this in time - please click. FYI, it is just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win!

I can see the wonderful potential, can't you?

P.S. I'll be back next week. Celebrating our five year anniversary!

Interesting....very interesting.

You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams. You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness. Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies. Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one. Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares. Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses. You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Thank you

Again, I am very grateful to you all. Still a little bit scared, but I know it is illogical. Actually, (looking shamefully into the computer) I called the doctor's office and asked. Permanently uncorrectible vision is less than one percent and loss of complete vision is less than that. So, I must look at the positive and learn to trust.

And this whole battle within is ironically funny since I can see it being good for me in so many levels. Because this procedure has a potential to give me a little more confidence in my body. That it is possible for it to do something correctly. To help me learn to trust it again.

No matter how much I fear loss of control, I fear my body just as much. This procedure causes both of these neurosis to come up. Not to mention, that it requires me to trust a Doctor. Goodness, no wonder I am so freaked out. It isn't like I have the naivete of pre-RE. I can't say that I am as trusting as I once was when it comes to the medical community. Learned thru that experience, it is my responsibility to be the aggressive and knowlegeable patient.

This surgery is something that I should absolutely do. It is something that would be stupid for me not to do, especially if FEAR is the reason for not doing it (not to mention control or trust issues). Honestly, fear can be good, so can control, and skeptisism. But, irrational anything well is irrational. All of these feelings baffle me.

Granted, I've never been a risk taker, but I don't know if I've ever been this irrational about something. When I ONLY know of good out comes. When I know the chance is so small of something going wrong. When the good out weighs the bad.

Experience changes us and hopefully this experience will be so positive that it will be spring board to get rid of the irrational. For more positive change. Change, for the most part, I really like change. More on that later.

Freaking Out!

Now, I know that this mostly an irrational fear. But, I am affraid of becoming blind from my surgery on Friday. Now, I know - irrational. I G*ogled and it didn't come up with any testimonies of such. (Although in my craziness, I quickly thought, how would they be able to communicate via the computer if they were blind?) And the doctor only provided a less than 1% statistic that this would happen.

My irrational brain quickly goes to the fact that I more often than not fall in that less than positive statistic. PCOS 1 in 15 or 16-25%, annovulatory PCOS, treated with Clomid 80% ovulate and 40% get pregnant, IUI, and still no baby. But on the bright side (for lack of a better term) Clomid, I did ovulate and it was only 40% chance of pregnancy, and my IUIs only provided a 20% chance each - I definitely fell on the high side of those statistics.

But, I've had strange things happen to me that are slightly uncommon. I've had a tooth filled with a metal filling and a resign filling and an electric spark resulted every time I flossed that tooth. The odds, less than three percent.

I'm a little worried. Please, please, please delurk and provide me all the positive vibes. Send me good hopes. Send me your positive stories. Tell me it will be all right. Because I know this is irrational.

Who needs scary movies or Halloween spookyness? I have my own head.

Happy Halloween to all! And thank you very much for your comments to my previous post. I tried my new stuff and so far so good. It didn't leave it very dry. But, I plan to use your suggestions if it doesn't work.

Acne

Calling for opinions! Seriously. I've been breaking out worse than I did as a teenager. It is completely and totally out of control.

It started in August. It was the beginning of high stress. (Grandfather dies, last cycle which got cancelled so we had to do it again in September, sister's wedding) And only got more stressful with actual cycle, cycle failing, and sister's wedding.

So in August, I tried this and when my skin was so dried and irritated, I thought I would use this too.

What I have now is even more irritated skin. So, I picked this up today.

Honestly, all of this started when I noticed that my facial soap of two years was no longer working. (Believe me, I feel embarassed about using that soap. But it really worked!) Then what usually happens, my skin became immune to the soap. And then stress happened. So the mixture is what has my skin in a twist.

My skin is dry and requires moisturizer. The dryness is what causes the break outs. (Flakey skin gets trapped in the pores and causes drama.) So it really is a balance of exfoliation and moisture. In the past, I've used: N*utrogena, Cl*nique, and Susan. My skin has grown immune to all.

Suggestions? Thoughts? What is your secret?

Did I tell you about…

my fiasco with my flex spending account?

It started last year, enrollment time. I looked at the program, looked at the reference sites, and called people. Everyone was saying the same thing. “Of course you can use it for insurance premiums.”

Unfortunately, the pit of my stomach was queasy. It could be the large amount of money I was allocating that was non-refundable, that I didn’t feel was properly documented. It could be that people where brushing my concerns aside. It could be that I called my program administrator and she was absolutely positive that it was covered, but had NOTHING to back it up. I’d ask for a list, and was sent to the administrator and the administrator sent me to the internal administrator.

Well, two months into the program, I got a rejection for my reimbursement. I called again. What I got was, “Oh, I didn’t understand you meant insurance premiums. Our plan doesn’t cover that.” And the fact that I explained in detail what I was doing, never gave you an idea that I meant insurance premiums!”

I won’t bore you with what transpired after that, but I was irate to say the least. After well worded emails and telephone calls, unless I wanted to find a lawyer and pursue legal action – since I like my job - I wanted/needed another solution.

In nine months, I submitted everything under the sun to receive reimbursements. And I only managed to use half of the amount. While we were cycling, I had secret hopes of getting pregnant, and have it be used towards OB co-pays and other expenses. But, I didn’t get pregnant. We decided to take a break.

There are only two more months to use our left over money or we will loose it.

So, did I tell you that both my mother and sister have both gotten eye corrective surgery in the last few months? They can’t stop raving. Did I tell you that my eyes are really bad? T has been telling me to get L*SIK done for YEARS. That I have only been putting it off – just incase I got pregnant because my eyes could change with a pregnancy.

In my practical, trying to kill two birds with one stone approach to life, I found a way to use the money and help me learn to live life without the if/when we have a baby equation.

So, my surgery is scheduled on Friday the 2nd. A week from today! I’m a little nervous about the procedure to say the least. I have no expectations over the results. My eyes are really bad, so bad that I don’t qualify for L*SIK, but I do for L*SEK. (A slightly different procedure that is just as successful and less chance of complications but a longer recovery time. So I may not be reading for several days – maybe up to a week.)

And even though, my fear is very real. I’ve decided to do this. Or as T says, “Unless I can buy a therapeutic g*n for the money in that account, you are getting that surgery!”

For the time being I am trying to breathe, meditate and relax over the procedure. Also, I am going to ignore that because of the flex fiasco, I used more money on medical expenses than I possibly want to admit. (Hoping we can use towards our taxes.) And focus on, goodness, I may able to see without glasses, contacts, or both in a week!

A Conversation

After filling her in how a Baptism went. That I was so close to saying everything on my mind and that they (my extended family and Mother) would not like it.

Lil' Sis: You've been so angry lately. Why don't you just say what is on your mind?

Me: Because we all ready have you and T. And as you know from Mom's last out burst when I tried to do this that it is not taken very well.

Lil' Sis: Well that isn't your problem. You need to do something. You are just so angry and you need to fix it.

Me: What more do you want me to do? I see a therapist, I've done treatments, I go to yoga. I can't fix this that easily.

Lil' Sis: You know there are loads of children.

Me: Stop, don't say anything else. I'm going to scream - just don't. We have made a decision - we are doing something.

Lil' Sis: But you need to fix this and it doesn't seem like you are happy with your decision.

Me: Silent.

Lil' Sis: Hello? Are you there?

Me: Yes, I'm here.

Lil' Sis: I thought I lost you.

Me: (deep breath in and say it all in an exhale) I get angry so that I'm not sad. (voice is getting heavy with a restricted sob) If I feel sad, all I want to do is cry. So I get angry. We are doing something, we are trying another option - not having kids. It is time that we need for ourselves. I used to say the same G*ddam thing - adopt. But, you know after the year we have had of loss. I want to see a child that looks like me and T - that has our loved ones characteristics. And until that feeling goes away or becomes less important - than adoption is not a right choice for us. I wouldn't be a good mother, and why would I put a child in that situation. I need to get over this before I can even consider that.

Lil' Sis: I'm sorry if I made you upset. I just want to be sure that you have been thinking about all of your options.

Me: I'm just sick of people making stupid comments. For the most part, I don't even dignify their stupid comments with an answer.

Lil' Sis: But, I'm not most people.

Me: Thats why I answered you.

I got this email chain today....

Just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. I pray you all have a blessed day. It was difficult for me to decide who I thought would DO this because many people claim to pray, but not everyone does. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You'll see why). May everyone who received this message be blessed REMEMBER to Pray. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer.

May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer and your prayers be answered. I pray that faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged and I pray you step into the destiny within the ministry. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God.

Now send this to 12 people within 5 minutes and remember to send this back.... I count as 2, you'll see why. Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward. Everyone have a blessed day

The highlighted/italized part, I pray - but I never believed he would answer. I hoped he/she would. But, I lost that ability a long time ago. I consider myself a faith-filled person. I have faith in God - I just don't think my issues are his main concern. You know like war, famine, natural disaster.

And I wonder if that is what I did wrong.

The Media

Somethings make me laugh. Other things make me want to scream.

The first story is just funny. A late night comedian (I can't remember who - I heard the quote on the radio this morning.) said that Ch*ney is related to more gays and blacks than the R*publican has members. SO FREAKIN' TRUE!

***

The second story irks me to no return. It infuriates me on so many levels. But the most bothersome comparison is of pedophilia and homosexuality - that they are both disorders. You know I have many an issue with the Church's antiquated points of view on homosexuality and MANY other topics. But when the Church compares or insinuates that pedophilia and homosexuality are linked or that they are equal and related disorders. I want to scream! Throw something! Sorry you stinkin' homophobes it is not the same thing!

Let me give you the definition of both.

ho·mo·sex·u·al (hō'mə-sěk'shōō-əl, -mō-) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. (American Heritage Dictionary)

ped·o·phil·i·a (pěd'ə-fĭl'ē-ə, pē'də-) Pronunciation Key
n. The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children.
(Dictionary.com)

Maybe the Church leaders can see that they are not related! One is between two consenting adults! A sexual orientation just like heterosexual. The other is a HUGE problem that destroys people's lives. It is a horrendous act against a child. They are not related. Psychologists have not linked the two; I should reputable and non-bias psychologists with a political slant have not linked the two. They are separate - unrelated!

Can someone remind me why I follow the teachings of these baboons! Oh yeah - it is a religion not a cult!

The Stages of Grief

Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance

I thought I was closer to Acceptance - the final stage, until the last few weeks, when I’ve experienced ANGER.

Anger with both people in my life and others who are in the media. The stupid people with kids who refuse to take responsibility for the child. The friend's husband who is too busy focusing on himself to realize he has my dream of a family. Family who are so wrapped in their own lives. The random comment. But mostly when people comment on their children and how hard life is with those children.

And my anger is making me act out. I feel a need to counter with some uncomfortable truth about infertility.

Examples:

Sister’s SIL comments about how inconvenient it is for her to care for her daughter. I comment on the replacement baby I want in a sports car.

Cousin who just recently had a beautiful baby boy complains about the baby weight she gained. (If you saw her, you’d want to throw-up. She is the size of my pinky.) I respond, yeah that’s difficult. I’ve lost 7 out of 15 pounds I gained from my infertility medications. And I didn’t get a new baby out of it.

Sister shows me a picture of the stone family collection she made in Aruba. She says “It is suppose to bring you good fortune, fertility, wealth, etc.” I slap my forehead and say, “That is what I did wrong.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I usually restrain the anger, but it has been bubbling over. Making me much more blunt about my infertility. And I know that makes others uncomfortable. But to be truthful, I am taking a secret pleasure in making them feel that way. Making them realize how I feel living in a fertile world.

But I do hope this subsides quickly considering I could be alienating myself a tad. Snarky comments are OK, but they need to stay in my head a little bit more. Sadly, I do restrain myself. I haven’t been rude to my co-worker with the 2 beautiful kids who call to talk. No, I stay quiet. Could be why the filter between my brain and my mouth becomes weaker when I don’t necessarily have to behave.

Plowing thru my list.

So, 19 days after my negative (But who is counting?) and I am plowing thru my negative list.

1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.

Co-worker's friend not on G*nal-f. Contacted one other person that I know of in real life (another friend of a friend). Honestly, I am only attempting to do this this way since I don't know of the legal rammifications of doing it another way. i guess I could call R*solve and see if they have a donation program. Any one have any experience with this?

2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)

Haven't done this yet. The girl is on her honeymoon. But I also need to figure out how to get the stored information (so that I can keep for just in case). Any one out there with prior experience and knowledge?

3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.

I did this, and have been on the magical pill for a week. The meds were given to me after a mandatory pregnancy test and mental health check up. Adding insult to injury on both counts. I am not crazy for going on the pill! Crap people have thought I was crazy for doing procedures, now others are wondering if I am nuts for stopping. Last time I checked, I am mentally sane just infertile. Remember, my hoohaha and connecting parts is where the problem lies.

4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.
Did this today.

5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

This one I am taking one day at a time. There are many things that I've been mulling around. I think it will be a slow process. I should break it up into steps.

First step is to regain my interests. Sounds like something that I shouldn't have to work on, but I realized recently that infertility has consumed me in many ways. So, I am trying to rekindle my interests. Blog reading has worked in consuming, so I thought that it might help me in a more positive way. As a result, I've added a few new non fertility related blogs.

More steps will follow - I need to figure them out first.

Two sides to every story.

The First Side - The Sister's Point of View

The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.

The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.

It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.

The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View

The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?

The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.

When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.

Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.

***

Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).

As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.

We're going to the chapel...

And my sister is going to get married!

The wedding is finally here people. Well, not exactly today, but Saturday at 2:30pm to be exact. But, I'll be away from a computer starting today until Monday.

So, I'm signing off for the next few days.

Goodness, my baby sister is getting married!

The Infertile Elephant in the Room.

My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.

When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.

What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.

Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.

Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.

So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.

Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.

A day late, a dollar short :)

So, I'm a little late about my happiness challenge. But since I picked an easy one. Well, I did it faithfully. If anything in the last week, I've increased it.

My challenge was to drink a cup of coffee everyday. It is something I've done for the last year. But it is something that makes me happy. I go between making my own to buying. From enjoying iced to hot. The only thing that is the same is that it is caffeinated.

How does it make me feel? Well, while going thru infertility treatments, it helped make me feel grounded. Like a normal person. It was the one thing that I refused to give up. After trying. It brought me back. To memories where coffee was not restricted. To memories of coffee and conversation. To memories of family gatherings.

Unfortunately, it also brought me to the moms and dads of the day. Especially when it was right after an IUI. When all the soccer moms and dads would be there. But, that was two days. Really, it only brought the elephant into the room. The Infertiity elephant. Those days, well, I wish I had made it at home.

Otherwise, I took my time in sipping. Enjoying the solitude, the aroma, the taste, the total experience. And on this Saturday, I enjoyed two cups in front of a homemaker over show and introduction to a leisurely weekend.

Next month, meditation. Now, this is something that I've tried before and failed. Goodness. This one will be rough. But, not all good things are easy.

Crying and typing?

So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.

Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.

But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.

So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.

There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.

So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!

Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.

Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.

Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.

Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.

I wish I could say I wasn't

But I'm angry.

Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.

Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.

Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.

Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.

Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.

***

On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.

In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.

But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.

I had ...

I had a different post, but Bl*gger ate it.

I had hope.

I had a dream.

I had a want.

That will never be fullfilled.

What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.

Not Again!

Now, I'm nauseous. Just like in the first IUI. It is DPI9 and I feel like I could barf. Great.

Must breathe. This guessing game will end soon enough. Luteal phase for the first IUI - 17 days, second IUI - 13 days, and third IUI - 14 days. The fat lady will be here soon, give or take 4 to 8 days.

Don't get me wrong, I still have some hope. I do. I have symptoms! But, I've had symptoms before and nothing. So I am reserving all happiness/excitement for when I see that double line. Purchasing those all infamous sticks. So that they will be at home for Monday morning.

Also, am starting to think of what I need to do - if it is negative.

1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.

2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)

3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.

4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.

5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Oh what fun lays ahead!

Please, oh please, let this not all be for nothing.

Just so true = )

You Are a Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

You Are 16% Texas

Damn Yankee! You think the sun comes up just to hear you crow.

How Texas Are You?

You Are 86% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Are You a Feminist?

But I poo'd. ** AMENDED **

So, yes I am obsessing. It is 8DPI.

Yesterday, I was drop dead tired. I woke up today, drop dead tired. Now, before you say "But, that is a good sign!" I get like that before AF or Wicked Witch shows.

And today, I am not constipated. If anything my bowels are like pre AF. Boo.

But is only 8DPI.

Also, I'm not bloated nor have I gained an abnormal amount of weight this cycle (only 1 lb.).

The cramps have also subsided and are non-existent. Could be a good sign? But they usually kick in before my period - a day or two before. Not expecting the ol' hag until Sunday or Monday. If it does show, my luteal phase is screwed up royally!

Did I tell you that I've been breaking out, bad! Since the end of our last cycle. And now my break out seems to be healing? It could be the cleanser changes and new make-up. But it is clearing up, right when my acne gets worse.

So, the only sensations is being tired and acne clearing up.

Err...I want to sleep until Monday when I can pee on a stick. Which I need to buy! Craziness. Serious Craziness.

**I forgot more crazy dreams, this time involving a Gorilla. And extreme thirst at night. Kept on waking up for more water. Could explain dead tired?

Three Years

Today, is our three year infertility anniversary. And unlike last year's entry, I don't have any epiphany nor enlightened thought nor announcement.

I'm trying to avoid my mind racing with my latest sensations of extremely painful cramps - m u s t b r e a t h e t h r u t h e p a i n - type cramps. Cramps that I expect to see AF or my uterus when I do the TP Tango.

Also, last night I was nauseous after taking my vitamin, constipation set in yesterday, and more crazy dreams. I'm only 6DPI - yes I know implantation time frame. Brain has all ready thought of that possibility.

Trying to distract myself, so I visited Bl*glines.

The first test, obviously WAY too early for some of these questions to be true anyway. But I want to keep it - just in case.

You Are Probably Not Pregnant

It seems like you're in the clear, but you should really take a test to be sure.

Are You Pregnant?

This one....well I always thought I was 100% gemini! I guess not.

You are 73% Gemini

How Gemini Are You?

Just for fun ; ).

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

Funny I always thought it meant "Devine."

What Dianne Means

D is for Devilish I is for Ideal A is for Artistic N is for Normal N is for Nice E is for Exquisite

What Does Your Name Mean?

So what do you do to keep your mind off the A-W-F-U-L-L two week wait?

It is all in my head.

So, I've been having odd sensations.

Cramps, like pre-AF, but a lot less intense. Also, several cramps on my left side which actually take my breath away for a few seconds. Very similar to a stitch when you run. And these are new sensations to add to my previous ones of nausea (in the second part of the 2ww), constipation, and bloating. (Luckily, none of those have kicked in as of yet.)

What I questioned is if I felt cramps before? Only one other time, it was my most hopeful cycle in January, that ended with the worst period ever. Hmmm....food for thought.

On to other bits of my craziness, an odd dream:

I'm at the dentist office. He looks in my mouth and realizes that I've had three teeth pulled.

He says, "I thought you were going to replace these."

I say, "I thought they were replaced."

He says, "No not yet, let me replace them now. They will be similar, but not the same."

I wake up, confused. The only interpertation of teeth I can come up with is death. Frankly, there has been more than enough death lately with Bobby and my Grandfather. But, I am not sure of the third.

Also, (it could be my hopeful side) that "replacements" mean new family members. Looking further, if I analyze this more so. There have been three great-grandchildren born (the three I thought replaced). But, there are three to come.

If only it were that simple.

Maybe my sub-conscious is telling me that it was successful. Could this be a sign? Maybe my head is playing games? It is probably the latter.

Unfortunately, unless I am pregnant that will be my theory until proven wrong. G-d I really hope I'm wrong.

Any thoughts on what my crazy dream means?

Are you still there?

On Tuesday, the nurse called. "Are you OK proceeding with the IUI because you are at risk for High Order Multiples (HOM)?"

I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:

Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.

Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.

How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.

But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.

My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.

I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.

The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."

Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.

Take Two

Processing I guess is what I am trying to do.

Not sure why this IUI was more difficult emotionally for me. Oh yeah, this is our last IUI. Today, I realized what those words meant.

T came with me. I was grateful and yet a little worried.

This IUI has been more difficult for him as well. Although we aren't talking about it. Trying to protect each other from our own worries and concerns - fears and sadness. The only thing reconfirmed is that this is too hard for us. That it would be better to be childfree than to continue down this path. We are constants, a maybe baby just isn't. Heck, we have 26 cycles, 4 clomid, and 4 IUIs to prove that. Having a child is not a guarantee.

We go into the room. I drop throw. I'm still feeling fine. Nervous. The nurse comes in. Starts asking us the questions.

Nurse: This is your 3rd injectible IUI.
Me: Yes, it is our fourth IUI.
Nurse: Have you made an appointment with your doctor.
Me: No. This is it. We are done.
Nurse: Oh. Have you thought of IVF?
Me: Yes, we are done.
Nurse: Well there is more than one way to have a child.
Me: Yes we know.
Nurse: Have you thought of adoption?
Me: We are thinking about it. (A total lie. We've decided that it isn't what we want.)
Nurse: The doctor still would want you to come in for an appointment.
Me: Why, an exit interview? (She wouldn't like what I have to say. She wouldn't want to hear my critiques. It would not be glowing. And it isn't because we didn't have a positive out come.)
Nurse: Is it just too stressful for you?
Me: Yes. (Too stressful for us.)
Nurse: Have you thought of counseling?
Me: I've been seeing a counselor since November.
Nurse: Good. I think everyone should see a counselor. She turns to T, I know a lot of guys don't feel comfortable.
Me: He hasn't gone with me. (But the counselor has asked him to come, I'm just too afraid.)
T: I have a great relationship with my counselor. (I smile.)
Nurse: That's great.
T: I've had one since the Gulf.
Nurse: I thought you were joking with me. My husband's counselor is called a board meeting.
**We all laugh.**
Nurse: OK, well. You know your options lets get this show in the road.
**IUI is performed.**
Nurse: Ok little guys, you need to get this job done. Lets go.
**IUI is done.**
Nurse: Call us if you don't get your period for a pregnancy test. Call us regardless, we like to know how things work out.
Me: Silent. Praying she would stop talking, feeling tears in my eyes. Why would I call to tell you I have my period? That was always the worst call. And no I will not be having a meeting with Doctor Callous.
Nurse: Ok, you know the drill. S*x tonight, no ibuprofen, limit your coffee. Good luck, I really hope it works.
Me: Still silent. I look at T.
T: Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine. (A lie. Processing.) We've done everything we could? Right?
T: It isn't over yet.
Me: I know. (But why do I feel like it is?)
T: Besides cruises every year sounds great to me.
Me: (I smile - our consolation prize.) I want a sports car.
T: You can have whatever you want.
Me. (Not everything.)

We get up, and each go to work. I decide to give myself a treat at Starb*cks. Ahh, the wrong time, all the Mommies and Daddies are there.

Start to cry in the car.

The song on the radio after our last IUI. Ironically, the song on the radio during our first monitoring for our last cycle.

How Far We've Come lyrics by Matchb*x Twenty.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if its gone,
the cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
I started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time

[chorus]
but I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Well I, believe, its all, coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there was no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going you know the world is heading for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

[chorus]
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

September 12th IUI - Take One

Today was our first of two IUIs. And I'm feeling hopeful. But the question is should I be?

The nurse today searched for a different catheter. She is the head nurse. Very dry, although I have a feeling there is more to her story. Like she was a former Stirrup Queen.

But, back to the catheter, I don't know if this is what the other nurses used or such. However I do know that I never felt it that viscerally before. When she put the catheter in, I nearly jumped off the table it hurt so badly. It was similar to the pain I felt for the HSG.

Oddly, it is also my first time that I am actually spotting.

Not sure if that is a good sign. The nurse insisted that it was a good sign; that I felt that muscle cramp. It tells her that she made into my uterus.

All I got to say is, I hope so. I truly hope so.

So my question is, did any of you get that sharp pain and did you get that all allusive BFP?

Please note that I know that it is too early for fertilization or implantation. I'm trying to gauge if her theory is right. That pain, is a good sign. I know that I'm being a little pathetic hoping for "a sign" so early. But, crap this is our last chance people. I need all the support (aka signs) to get me thru this two week wait!

Interupting our tribute.

FOUR - WONDERFUL - 16MM - FOLLICLES

IUIs are tomorrow and Thursday. Please pray for us that all of this goes smoothly, that the numbers are great, and that one of those eggs gets fertilized - but not all four.

Thank you.

Also, please do forgive me for posting about this on such a sullen day. But, I need the prayers.

September 11th

Six years. It has been six years since that day of terror happened.

I still remember when my boss walked into our office and said, "A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. We are closing the office, and get home to your families."

My friends and I just looked eachother. We didn't completely understand what he was talking about. After all, we had just gotten in. We were in the middle of returning client emails and calls. We had work to do. But he insisted.

Fifteen minutes later, T called and said, "Get out of town. Don't take the T (Subway in Boston). Avoid going under ground."

I reply, "Are we in danger?"

He said, "Get out. I love you. I'll talk to you as soon as I can."

I could hear the terror in his voice. He had served in the Gulf War. He serves and protects as a member of the thin blue line. He doesn't get scared and he had terror in his voice.

I immediately called my friends whom I had just left. I was heading for the commuter rail, with very few tunnels. They were going underground.

I continue towards South Station. And the only way I can describe the financial district in the middle of Boston - chaos. People were running out of the tall buildings, and all of us going torwards trains. Getting the heck out was our only thought.

Once on the train, I started calling my family. Then I remembered my roommates from college. Three out of the six of us worked in New York. In my limited knowledge, I had no idea where they were in relation to the Towers.

By the time I got a hold of my friend J, my heart was in my throat.

Luckily none of my roommates worked in that area. The only one that did, was on a business trip. My friend J's then boyfriend worked in the Towers, but his sister was in the hospital and he was by his side.

But my friend Erin's boyfriend wasn't so lucky. He called to tell her he loved her, and it was the last they heard of him. He passed away that day.

Like so many I was glued to the TV. The images are still very real in my mind's eye.

Sadness. Loss. Fear. Terror.

The days that came after, I heard of more friends who were not so lucky. One friend from college lost her brother, and another her cousin.

Equally the stories of relief - of people who were suppose to be there but weren't. Like my sister's fiance's brother. He cancelled his business trip and meeting because of his daughter's birth. Her life, probably saved his.

That day and the days that followed are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget.

To the men and women who lost of their lives, I will never forget. To the men and women who died serving our citizens, I will never forget. To the men and women who found bravery and courage that they never new they had, I will never forget.

May G-d continue to grant your families comfort, peace, and grace to deal with your loss. And may we never forget.

Five, Five just like you.

A threat once upon a time. Now, it is how many follicles I have. With hopes, that one or two or three - hopefully not five - become just like me or T or both of us!

Yes, I went in today for my ultrasound and bloodwork. And in my opinion it is good news. Five follicles and E2 is at 622. The E2 is a little high, but that is why they are bringing my G*nalf down, dramatically in my opinion, from 112 to 37.5. But, I'm not the doctor. Back in tomorrow morning for more monitoring.

On other news, the bachelorette was Saturday. We had a great time. Unfortunatelly I'm in trouble again. Originally we were going here, but since they were unable to give me ANY reservations and would only do requests. I cancelled literally last minute (Thursday) and completely planned something new in Boston.

I didn't call the people who RSVP'd no to the first gathering. Figured if they said no before, they weren't going to be able to make it now. Not like their schedules would have changed. The sister-in-law from hell (known as SH from now on) found out. And now the groom-to-be is mad at me. Because SH gave him crap.

Funniest part, my sister told me that SH is afraid of me. Well, if she played nice, I'd play nice. And no, I do not plan to take any of her crap - because I have enough things that I have to take. Since she isn't my sister-in-law, I don't have to take her. I can just leave her.

No worries, I play nice. I know how to be civil. I have no need to be her friend.

The wedding is in 26 days! Wow, just realized. My kid sister will be a married woman in 26 days. WOW!

Roller-a-coasters

Back in the day, I would think of a roller-a-coaster and the only feelings and thoughts were positive - joy, fun, and entertaining. Now, when I think of roller-a-coasters all that comes into my mind is an emotional struggle that is infertility.

Especially since it is the only way I can explain my emotions on any given day. They are up, they are down, and (at a few lucky moments) they are stable.

On Tuesday, I went to see my therapist. It was day 2 of our last IUI cycle. And I felt nostalgic. Wondering if I was absolutely ready to quit without the ultimate prize. I was sad at the thought of not winning. Ultimately, I left wondering how I was going to talk to T about possibly trying an IVF cycle.

But as all roller-a-coasters do, I started to climb to the first massive drop. Ironically, back in the day, that was my favorite part, the drop. That part when your stomach reached your throat. But now I know that with infertility, at least so far, there is no going upwards after the drop. All there has been is a drop. (No pregnancy, and no baby to allow for a moment of success.)

As I sat yesterday on the ledge of the first drop, I realized Day 3 and the subsequent days are the reason I want to get off this crazy roller-a-coaster.

It is stressful, tearful, anxiety ridden, all consuming and definitely NOT fun.

Day 3 is the beginning of the nightmare of a cycle. It is the day I usually have some comfrontation with someone at the clinic.

This time it was over whether or not I can do my monitoring on day 8 instead of day 7. The first nurse said yes, the second nurse who called ignored the request, and the last nurse I spoke to allowed it. Then they denied my request for progesterone.

It is holding my breathe that the cycle will fit in with T's crazy ass schedule. And maneuvering mine completely and totally around. It is making sure that I am available at a moments notice for my IUIs. Because G-d knows when those will be.

It is ordering my drugs. Hoping that the stuff I have in the refrigerator is still good.

It is stress from every angel. I hate day threes. Hate them. They are why I want to stop cycling all together. They are the beginning of all my anxiety. The beginning of stress and anxiety that only grows expodentially after insemination.

It is the beginning of getting up an hour and half earlier, ultra sounds, self-injections, daily blood draws, schedule conflicts, stress that my body won't respond, that my body will respond too well, that something freakish will go wrong.

It is never fun. It is never carefree.

It is the beginning of feeling resentful torwards my Mother for not being the mother I need. Because when I cycle, I can't tell her. Afterall, all I hear is "Why are you doing that? Just quit." Instead I realize I get short with her for no reason. My anger is boiling because she won't provide me support. But she insists that I call her everyday so that she can talk at me. Because she is lonely.

It is the beginning of me creating a shell around myself. To get thru everything else that is going around me. To shield T. To avoid overwhelming my friends.

It is the beginning of all the things I dislike in my life right now. It is a reminder that my body doesn't work like other women's. It is being anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, and fatigued.

I wonder if roller-a-coasters will ever be fun again.

It was the best time EVER!

On Monday, I met up with a few ladies. And we had a great time! Some might say, “It was the best time EVER!”

These ladies came into my life several years ago thru a mutual friend. Thru this friend a group was started. The rouse was that we would learn how to crochet. But, it was more of a get together; to touch base, to gain and give support to each other. And I really enjoyed that time. Once it was gone, I missed it.

Monday I got it back. This time we talked, walked, and shopped. I found these fantastic boots, and I am hoping to buy them soon.

But more importantly, I reconnected with two amazing ladies, and I hope to be allowed to continue to follow their life journeys, that this was only the beginning.

Here is a photo of us. I know the first ever photo of Dianne! I’m the one with the short hair on the left.



Oh yeah, Monday was also CD 1. Are you ready for the ride? I all ready had a bumpy start today and will talk more about that tomorrow. Need to breathe right now, good thing I have yoga tonight.

Cocooned in Jealous Rage

Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.

She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.

She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.

What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.

It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.

The thought process starts:

“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.

And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”

BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?

PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.

The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.

But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.

I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!

So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.

But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.

T's B-day....so true. I had to post!

Got the idea from a fellow blogger. The Cookie Princess did the Birthday quiz for herself and her husband. This is T's answer. Too stinkin' funny! T good thing I'm head over heels with you!

Your Birthdate: December 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

My Happiness

The amazing Mel has done it again, now in a series revolving around happiness. (I tried to link her, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me!) You may be asking, “What has she done?” Well she has made me think. Truly think.

She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.

I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.

That is when it happened.

I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.

But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.

Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?

Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.

If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.

Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.

It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.

See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.

Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.

My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.

This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.

Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?

So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.

How about those apples?

I've ovulated. YUP! I've been peeing on sticks, using my handy dandy monitor, and no detection. Yet my blood test today CLEARLY shows that I ovulated.

If no AF in 14 days, I am to get a blood pregnancy test. HA! (Why did I feel like putting an asteric in the word pregnancy? Maybe because it is starting to feel like a bad word.)

Not sure why this is frustrating me, but it is. Stuck waiting, more effing waiting.

Whatever!

The Skinny

The diet is going well enough. No actual progress since my initial drop. Actually, I've gained a 1 pound back, but I'm chalking that up to the ice cream I had last night. I know myself if I don't allow for some cheat'n I will blow this diet. So we will see, I think in about a month I'll know more if this is working. The good news is that I fit into my jeans yesterday very comfortably. So that is a good sign! And I've done some physical exercise everyday except Sunday. Not bad.

IF, it is currently CD 25. Still no ovulation detected and no sign of AF. So, I broke and called the RE today. Bloodwork tomorrow and probably Friday to figure out where the hell I am with my cycle. Hoping that I get my period soon, so that we can have our last IUI in September. Yes, the money is over for the extra insurance, but that is what credit cards are for. See, not kidding slippery slope people.

Lastly, I'm back to the wedding festivities planning. I need ideas for my sister's bachelorette. Everything I've thought of is way too expensive or not exactly right. Very stressed over it and the clock is seriously TICKING!

Your Birthdate: June 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Lets hope that September is my power month. Well, if AF or ovulation ever show!

Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.

The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.

I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.

I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.

Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.

While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"

Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.

Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.

See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.

Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.

I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.

Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.

Weight

What an ugly word. No one is ever satisfied, no one is ever content. It is a constant struggle.

But oddly, it is making me feel as if I am getting a bit of control back.

So this diet, has led me to think about my weight issues.

1-19: Under weight. At one point, 5 ft 7 in I weighed 115 pounds, my then doctor accused me of being annorexic. My mother quickly said "Her, she eats more than her father."

19-25: Grew two more inches for my now height of 5 ft 9 in. And got mono. Yes that lovely ailment that literally kicked my a$$ for about six months and changed my metabolism. In six months of illness, I gained 30 pounds. It does make sense, since all I did was eat and sleep. A little studying was thrown in (my Freshmen year).

Yup, loads of fun. My mom, God love her, told me I was fat. (Thanks Mom, if you compare anyone to your nieces, they would be considered fat. Considering they are aneroxic and between 2 to 9 inches shorter than me.) After watching my food consumption, I went down to 135 for several years.

26-28: Met T. Gained 10 pounds. 145. Actually, at what 5 ft 9 in is suppose to be at.

28: I get off the pill, start this journey of trying to conceive. Gain 5 pounds. I'm up to 150.

29-30: Gain 5 pounds, I'm up to 155. Struggle to loose those five pounds every few months. Fluctuate between 150 and 155.

31: At June 1st, I weighed 150, by the end of July and two crazy cycles, I gained 7 pounds.

Yup, that is what did it. Those additional seven pounds about put me over the edge. I've been wearing the same few pants for the last several weeks. Actually, getting very sick of them.

I found that no matter how healthy I was eating, I was gaining weight. It is extremely frustrating, because the only thing I can blame it on are the medications. So out of my control. UGH. I guess this cancelling is a blessing in disguise. Because my total and absolute disgust with my body has led me to this diet.

So this diet. It is actually healthy, which I usually eat that way too. It only brings to my attention portion size. (And this is where I have found I was going terribly wrong.) It also promotes a balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It is suppose to help with hormone and insulin levels. It may become a permanent life style change. With all of that in mind, I feel like it may actually do what I need it to do.

Help me loose weight, and maintain it while I am on a crazy cycle. (Oh yeah, where is my ovulation or period. I HAVE NO IDEA. Need to call the doctor.)

In addition, I've walked Monday, Tuesday, and today. Went to yoga yesterday. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. Very excited! Now only if my stomach could shrink so that I won't be HUNGRY all of the time. :).

My Personality

New mission.

My latest thought is that I want to incur some revenge on this crappy body of mine. So I am going on a diet. I've never done this before. Yes, I've controlled my food intake before. But, I've never purchased materials on a diet, read it, planned to follow it, signed up for information and followed a "plan."

After talking to a friend, I've decided to take her lead and use "The Z*ne." It actually looks very healthy, and somewhat possible to follow. Ironically, I think I will be eating more than I do now. Just differently. So one step at a time.

In addition, to the diet, I'll be walking at lunch two to three times a week. Yoga one to two times a week. And we will see what happens from there. I'd like to start doing more, just not sure what that is at this point.

I just know myself. I've never liked exercise - except for yoga. But, I've also never felt so utterly disgusted with myself. You know there is a problem when your "fat" pants are tight.

So a new mission...maybe it will be a good way to start liking my body again. Hmmm....I'll just be happy fitting into my bridesmaid dress. October is fast approaching.

I'm fine.

Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.

First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.

I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.

***

The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."

I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!

Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.

Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.

Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.

Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.

And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.

I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.

Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.

I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.

Infertility blows.