So, 19 days after my negative (But who is counting?) and I am plowing thru my negative list.
1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.
Co-worker's friend not on G*nal-f. Contacted one other person that I know of in real life (another friend of a friend). Honestly, I am only attempting to do this this way since I don't know of the legal rammifications of doing it another way. i guess I could call R*solve and see if they have a donation program. Any one have any experience with this?
2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)
Haven't done this yet. The girl is on her honeymoon. But I also need to figure out how to get the stored information (so that I can keep for just in case). Any one out there with prior experience and knowledge?
3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.
I did this, and have been on the magical pill for a week. The meds were given to me after a mandatory pregnancy test and mental health check up. Adding insult to injury on both counts. I am not crazy for going on the pill! Crap people have thought I was crazy for doing procedures, now others are wondering if I am nuts for stopping. Last time I checked, I am mentally sane just infertile. Remember, my hoohaha and connecting parts is where the problem lies.
4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.
Did this today.
5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
This one I am taking one day at a time. There are many things that I've been mulling around. I think it will be a slow process. I should break it up into steps.
First step is to regain my interests. Sounds like something that I shouldn't have to work on, but I realized recently that infertility has consumed me in many ways. So, I am trying to rekindle my interests. Blog reading has worked in consuming, so I thought that it might help me in a more positive way. As a result, I've added a few new non fertility related blogs.
More steps will follow - I need to figure them out first.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Two sides to every story.
The First Side - The Sister's Point of View
The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.
The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.
It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.
The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View
The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?
The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.
When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.
Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.
***
Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).
As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.
The wedding was beautiful. The weather was perfect. It was on October 6th in Southern Massachusetts, and it was 85 degrees. Highly unusual. The sun was shiny, and the sky clear. Hardly a leaf on the ground.
The Bride was beautiful, the Groom handsome, the bridal party gorgeous, the parents proud, and the guests content. The ceremony beautifully worded and presided by the Groom’s uncle. The reception was picturesque; the toasts heartfelt; the band melodious; the flowers fragrant; the food delicious.
It was the perfect wedding. My sister’s dream.
The Second Side - The Infertile's Point of View
The Groom’s sister continuously complained about having to take time to prepare her daughter for the wedding. On the way to the church, she did it again. I started talking about the sports car I wanted to replace the baby I can’t have – my replacement baby. At one point, she nearly had a melt down, because she was being bugged by her nieces, nephew and daughter. You mean the kids came to you? I mean they don't know any of us? I don't know why they would come to you, maybe because you are their Aunt and Mom?
The Ceremony was heavily geared towards blessing Michele, Mike, and their future children. Every time the nice priest said the word children, I cringed. “What if?” PCOS is often hereditary. I wondered if that is what we did wrong. We weren’t blessed to have children. Our marriage was blessed. Maybe that is why my brother-in-law’s family has 8 nieces and nephews. We have none. We missed that requirement to having children. And the prayers of the faithful requested G-d to bless the Couple, the sick, the poor, the leaders, families, deceased, and for married couples. All good. When they said, "For all of our other intentions." I prayed for us dealing with infertility.
When someone heard T and I had been married for five years in November, I got asked if we had kids. I said, “No.” And thought to myself, we are infertile. As the night went on, I may have said it out loud. I did tell the cosmetologist who commented on my problem skin that I just started the pill after being on hormone treatments for infertility. I think I may have shocked her.
Oh yeah, I also came out of the infertile closet with my brother-in-law's brother and wife at the rehearsal dinner. Oh well, two glasses of wine and I don't care.
***
Overall, it was a great day. Beautiful in almost everyway. Yes, the infertile elephant followed, but I managed to avoided him 95% of the time. And I did I get my groove on ;).
As soon as my photos come in, I will share - I promise. My sister made a beautiful bride.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
We're going to the chapel...
And my sister is going to get married!
The wedding is finally here people. Well, not exactly today, but Saturday at 2:30pm to be exact. But, I'll be away from a computer starting today until Monday.
So, I'm signing off for the next few days.
Goodness, my baby sister is getting married!
Monday, October 01, 2007
The Infertile Elephant in the Room.
My last post on my state of being is only half true. See, there is an elephant in the room - the infertile elephant.
When I distance myself from it, I feel fine. But, when I look at it closer I see things that have a potential of causing me to unravel.
What I see: Three years wasted. The dream of four children with his eyes. Pain. Lost hope. Desperation. Unforgiveable contempt torwards my body. Knowing T will not be a Dad because of me. Guilty because he did not choose this and is dealing with it because of me. Pregnancy after pregnancy of other people. Pain. Hurt. Left behind. Grief. Guilt because I will never make my mother a Grandmother. Anger because she makes me feel guilty.
Hands. Hands that are my genetic link to my Grandfather and my cousin B. Hands that I connect with people I love. The connection to what was and what will be. That link, I will more than likely never have thru a child.
Knowing that this year is just prolonging the inevitable. Prolonging the fact that I'm not strong enough to go on in this struggle nor strong enough to quit. So, we procrastinate the decision - when in my heart of heart I know what the answer should be. But to face it right now. Is just too hard.
So, instead of looking too closely, I am trying to glimpse at it. Look at it briefly. Focus on everything else. Pretend he is not in the room. Pretend that he doesn't exist.
Denying him power. Getting over it. Questioning and wondering if I have to face him? If ignoring can do the job? And knowing that it won't.
A day late, a dollar short :)
So, I'm a little late about my happiness challenge. But since I picked an easy one. Well, I did it faithfully. If anything in the last week, I've increased it.
My challenge was to drink a cup of coffee everyday. It is something I've done for the last year. But it is something that makes me happy. I go between making my own to buying. From enjoying iced to hot. The only thing that is the same is that it is caffeinated.
How does it make me feel? Well, while going thru infertility treatments, it helped make me feel grounded. Like a normal person. It was the one thing that I refused to give up. After trying. It brought me back. To memories where coffee was not restricted. To memories of coffee and conversation. To memories of family gatherings.
Unfortunately, it also brought me to the moms and dads of the day. Especially when it was right after an IUI. When all the soccer moms and dads would be there. But, that was two days. Really, it only brought the elephant into the room. The Infertiity elephant. Those days, well, I wish I had made it at home.
Otherwise, I took my time in sipping. Enjoying the solitude, the aroma, the taste, the total experience. And on this Saturday, I enjoyed two cups in front of a homemaker over show and introduction to a leisurely weekend.
Next month, meditation. Now, this is something that I've tried before and failed. Goodness. This one will be rough. But, not all good things are easy.
My challenge was to drink a cup of coffee everyday. It is something I've done for the last year. But it is something that makes me happy. I go between making my own to buying. From enjoying iced to hot. The only thing that is the same is that it is caffeinated.
How does it make me feel? Well, while going thru infertility treatments, it helped make me feel grounded. Like a normal person. It was the one thing that I refused to give up. After trying. It brought me back. To memories where coffee was not restricted. To memories of coffee and conversation. To memories of family gatherings.
Unfortunately, it also brought me to the moms and dads of the day. Especially when it was right after an IUI. When all the soccer moms and dads would be there. But, that was two days. Really, it only brought the elephant into the room. The Infertiity elephant. Those days, well, I wish I had made it at home.
Otherwise, I took my time in sipping. Enjoying the solitude, the aroma, the taste, the total experience. And on this Saturday, I enjoyed two cups in front of a homemaker over show and introduction to a leisurely weekend.
Next month, meditation. Now, this is something that I've tried before and failed. Goodness. This one will be rough. But, not all good things are easy.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Crying and typing?
So much is going on in my head. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Really. I did have several crying jigs. But after a good talk with T, some retail therapy, and a resolution to myself. Well, I feel OK.
Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.
But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.
So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.
There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.
So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!
Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.
Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.
Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.
Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.
Are there times when I am angry? Hell yeah. And if I am honest, I am angry about so many stupid things. The latest are 1. never being able to take maternity leave and always being the one covering for someone on it, and 2. not having an excuse not to clean out the kitty litter.
But what I am most angry with is how I feel cheated by myself. Everything I’ve done in the last five years has been centered around when/if we have kids. Things from my appearance, to the car I drive, to the job I have. Everything has been based on when/if we have kids. The only thing that hasn’t been affected is our current home. Because well we haven’t had any luck in selling it. So, that may have been a frustrating saving grace.
So I resolved to myself that I would take this year to see what our life would be like sans baby. It will involve keeping what I like about my/our current life and to change the things I don’t. Most importantly, to eliminate “if/when we have a baby” as a guideline for any decisions. Instead thinking, will this make me happy? Will this make T happy? Is this a good decision for the both of us? Not factoring that maybe baby, well I hope it will be liberating. It could also give me an idea of what it means to be a childfree couple.
There is so much that I may have missed on because of this mistake. Things that I will always regret, but most of those things can be remedied.
So the start of my resolution started with the retail therapy. I bought three sweaters, a pair of pants, and shoes. And every time the thought came into my mind that these items will be useless if I became pregnant. I laughed, and thought I am going on the pill!
Sunday I plan to shop for a dress to wear for my sister’s rehearsal dinner. Also, I will be stricter with this diet and adding an extra yoga class. My goal to loose 12 more pounds will be accomplished.
Lastly, we decided to lower our asking price on the house because I overestimated our closing costs by $9k! I feel like it is found money! Woo hoo! And I have no want to spend it on treatments.
Ultimately, what I know now, is that I need this more than I can tell you. To forget about it all. To pretend infertility doesn’t exist nor a possibility of a child. I need to regain thinking about me and my husband first and foremost. I guess I am entering my selfish faze.
Hopefully, in this year, I will feel free of this anguished yearning I feel for a child. I’m sure that I’ll need to dissect that in a short time. But today I don’t feel like crying and typing. Instead, I feel like looking forward to the future, because what was murky is clearing up. And I can see a beautiful horizon of possibility.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I wish I could say I wasn't
But I'm angry.
Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.
Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.
Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.
Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.
Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.
***
On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.
In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.
But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.
Angry that my Clinic only reaches out to me with this cycle. After I've told them it is our last cycle. When they won't be seeing me any longer or getting any of my money.
Angry at my Mother for making the following statement, "Yeah, your wedding (my sister) is the only thing going on." After my sister was trying to find out if I was OK.
Angry that their are places to mourn children (which there should be), but since I never got pregnant - I don't even have that.
Angry that every single celebrity can get pregnant just like that. Heck, I'm a little angry lately when anyone gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have mistreated their bodies.
Angry when someone cuts in front of me, because in my illogical mind it is symbolic of everyone cutting in front of me of the baby line.
***
On a different note, I am also very lucky. Because I have the best husband ever. He realized that I'm not ready to go forward with anything, but that I'm also not ready to say I'm done. He is OK with either. So, we are taking a break for a year and revisiting it all then.
In the meantime, I'm trying to find out if I can get on birth control so that I can control my anger, weight, and acne. Oh what fun.
But first I need to talk to the clinic. Triggering my anger all over again. Oh what fun.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I had ...
I had a different post, but Bl*gger ate it.
I had hope.
I had a dream.
I had a want.
That will never be fullfilled.
What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.
I had hope.
I had a dream.
I had a want.
That will never be fullfilled.
What I have is gratitude for all of you. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. And in advance for your words of sympathy.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Not Again!
Now, I'm nauseous. Just like in the first IUI. It is DPI9 and I feel like I could barf. Great.
Must breathe. This guessing game will end soon enough. Luteal phase for the first IUI - 17 days, second IUI - 13 days, and third IUI - 14 days. The fat lady will be here soon, give or take 4 to 8 days.
Don't get me wrong, I still have some hope. I do. I have symptoms! But, I've had symptoms before and nothing. So I am reserving all happiness/excitement for when I see that double line. Purchasing those all infamous sticks. So that they will be at home for Monday morning.
Also, am starting to think of what I need to do - if it is negative.
1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.
2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)
3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.
4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.
5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Oh what fun lays ahead!
Please, oh please, let this not all be for nothing.
Must breathe. This guessing game will end soon enough. Luteal phase for the first IUI - 17 days, second IUI - 13 days, and third IUI - 14 days. The fat lady will be here soon, give or take 4 to 8 days.
Don't get me wrong, I still have some hope. I do. I have symptoms! But, I've had symptoms before and nothing. So I am reserving all happiness/excitement for when I see that double line. Purchasing those all infamous sticks. So that they will be at home for Monday morning.
Also, am starting to think of what I need to do - if it is negative.
1. Get rid of unused G*nal-f pen. I've offered it to a friend of a co-worker and if she doesn't need it. I must get creative.
2. Clean up and package Cl*ar Bl*e F*rtility M*nitor. Give to sister. (Yeah, they probably will start trying in a year or so after the wedding.)
3. Call primary care for birth control prescription.
4. Ask Mel to move me to "Child Free" Category.
5. Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Oh what fun lays ahead!
Please, oh please, let this not all be for nothing.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Just so true = )
| You Are a Cappuccino |
 You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please |
| You Are 16% Texas |
 Damn Yankee! You think the sun comes up just to hear you crow. |
| You Are 86% Feminist |
 You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action. |
But I poo'd. ** AMENDED **
So, yes I am obsessing. It is 8DPI.
Yesterday, I was drop dead tired. I woke up today, drop dead tired. Now, before you say "But, that is a good sign!" I get like that before AF or Wicked Witch shows.
And today, I am not constipated. If anything my bowels are like pre AF. Boo.
But is only 8DPI.
Also, I'm not bloated nor have I gained an abnormal amount of weight this cycle (only 1 lb.).
The cramps have also subsided and are non-existent. Could be a good sign? But they usually kick in before my period - a day or two before. Not expecting the ol' hag until Sunday or Monday. If it does show, my luteal phase is screwed up royally!
Did I tell you that I've been breaking out, bad! Since the end of our last cycle. And now my break out seems to be healing? It could be the cleanser changes and new make-up. But it is clearing up, right when my acne gets worse.
So, the only sensations is being tired and acne clearing up.
Err...I want to sleep until Monday when I can pee on a stick. Which I need to buy! Craziness. Serious Craziness.
**I forgot more crazy dreams, this time involving a Gorilla. And extreme thirst at night. Kept on waking up for more water. Could explain dead tired?
Yesterday, I was drop dead tired. I woke up today, drop dead tired. Now, before you say "But, that is a good sign!" I get like that before AF or Wicked Witch shows.
And today, I am not constipated. If anything my bowels are like pre AF. Boo.
But is only 8DPI.
Also, I'm not bloated nor have I gained an abnormal amount of weight this cycle (only 1 lb.).
The cramps have also subsided and are non-existent. Could be a good sign? But they usually kick in before my period - a day or two before. Not expecting the ol' hag until Sunday or Monday. If it does show, my luteal phase is screwed up royally!
Did I tell you that I've been breaking out, bad! Since the end of our last cycle. And now my break out seems to be healing? It could be the cleanser changes and new make-up. But it is clearing up, right when my acne gets worse.
So, the only sensations is being tired and acne clearing up.
Err...I want to sleep until Monday when I can pee on a stick. Which I need to buy! Craziness. Serious Craziness.
**I forgot more crazy dreams, this time involving a Gorilla. And extreme thirst at night. Kept on waking up for more water. Could explain dead tired?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Three Years
Today, is our three year infertility anniversary. And unlike last year's entry, I don't have any epiphany nor enlightened thought nor announcement.
I'm trying to avoid my mind racing with my latest sensations of extremely painful cramps - m u s t b r e a t h e t h r u t h e p a i n - type cramps. Cramps that I expect to see AF or my uterus when I do the TP Tango.
Also, last night I was nauseous after taking my vitamin, constipation set in yesterday, and more crazy dreams. I'm only 6DPI - yes I know implantation time frame. Brain has all ready thought of that possibility.
Trying to distract myself, so I visited Bl*glines.
The first test, obviously WAY too early for some of these questions to be true anyway. But I want to keep it - just in case.
This one....well I always thought I was 100% gemini! I guess not.
Just for fun ; ).
Funny I always thought it meant "Devine."
So what do you do to keep your mind off the A-W-F-U-L-L two week wait?
I'm trying to avoid my mind racing with my latest sensations of extremely painful cramps - m u s t b r e a t h e t h r u t h e p a i n - type cramps. Cramps that I expect to see AF or my uterus when I do the TP Tango.
Also, last night I was nauseous after taking my vitamin, constipation set in yesterday, and more crazy dreams. I'm only 6DPI - yes I know implantation time frame. Brain has all ready thought of that possibility.
Trying to distract myself, so I visited Bl*glines.
The first test, obviously WAY too early for some of these questions to be true anyway. But I want to keep it - just in case.
| You Are Probably Not Pregnant |
 It seems like you're in the clear, but you should really take a test to be sure. |
This one....well I always thought I was 100% gemini! I guess not.
| You are 73% Gemini |
 |
Just for fun ; ).
| Men See You As Desirable |
 Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily |
Funny I always thought it meant "Devine."
| What Dianne Means |
D is for Devilish I is for Ideal A is for Artistic N is for Normal N is for Nice E is for Exquisite |
So what do you do to keep your mind off the A-W-F-U-L-L two week wait?
Monday, September 17, 2007
It is all in my head.
So, I've been having odd sensations.
Cramps, like pre-AF, but a lot less intense. Also, several cramps on my left side which actually take my breath away for a few seconds. Very similar to a stitch when you run. And these are new sensations to add to my previous ones of nausea (in the second part of the 2ww), constipation, and bloating. (Luckily, none of those have kicked in as of yet.)
What I questioned is if I felt cramps before? Only one other time, it was my most hopeful cycle in January, that ended with the worst period ever. Hmmm....food for thought.
On to other bits of my craziness, an odd dream:
I'm at the dentist office. He looks in my mouth and realizes that I've had three teeth pulled.
He says, "I thought you were going to replace these."
I say, "I thought they were replaced."
He says, "No not yet, let me replace them now. They will be similar, but not the same."
I wake up, confused. The only interpertation of teeth I can come up with is death. Frankly, there has been more than enough death lately with Bobby and my Grandfather. But, I am not sure of the third.
Also, (it could be my hopeful side) that "replacements" mean new family members. Looking further, if I analyze this more so. There have been three great-grandchildren born (the three I thought replaced). But, there are three to come.
If only it were that simple.
Maybe my sub-conscious is telling me that it was successful. Could this be a sign? Maybe my head is playing games? It is probably the latter.
Unfortunately, unless I am pregnant that will be my theory until proven wrong. G-d I really hope I'm wrong.
Any thoughts on what my crazy dream means?
Cramps, like pre-AF, but a lot less intense. Also, several cramps on my left side which actually take my breath away for a few seconds. Very similar to a stitch when you run. And these are new sensations to add to my previous ones of nausea (in the second part of the 2ww), constipation, and bloating. (Luckily, none of those have kicked in as of yet.)
What I questioned is if I felt cramps before? Only one other time, it was my most hopeful cycle in January, that ended with the worst period ever. Hmmm....food for thought.
On to other bits of my craziness, an odd dream:
I'm at the dentist office. He looks in my mouth and realizes that I've had three teeth pulled.
He says, "I thought you were going to replace these."
I say, "I thought they were replaced."
He says, "No not yet, let me replace them now. They will be similar, but not the same."
I wake up, confused. The only interpertation of teeth I can come up with is death. Frankly, there has been more than enough death lately with Bobby and my Grandfather. But, I am not sure of the third.
Also, (it could be my hopeful side) that "replacements" mean new family members. Looking further, if I analyze this more so. There have been three great-grandchildren born (the three I thought replaced). But, there are three to come.
If only it were that simple.
Maybe my sub-conscious is telling me that it was successful. Could this be a sign? Maybe my head is playing games? It is probably the latter.
Unfortunately, unless I am pregnant that will be my theory until proven wrong. G-d I really hope I'm wrong.
Any thoughts on what my crazy dream means?
Friday, September 14, 2007
Are you still there?
On Tuesday, the nurse called. "Are you OK proceeding with the IUI because you are at risk for High Order Multiples (HOM)?"
I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:
Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.
Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.
How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.
But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.
My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.
I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.
The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."
Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.
I held my breath. I stopped breathing. The world went still. My mind began to race:
Flashed back to the call with another nurse a few months ago. She tells me that I could either cancel or do IVF. I chose to cancel. Because we hadn't decided on IVF. We had not made our moral decision. I had not read up on Catholic Doctrine.
Since doing those things, I've regretted not switching, not converting. I've thought of that cycle and wondered if that was our missed opportunity? If that was an open door, that we didn't use? After all, the Doctrine was rubbish to me. The only issue that held true, is what to do with the remainding eggs? Assuming there would be any. That cycle, there were only 8 follicles. The probability of having extra, very slim. It was a chance. And I said no.
How ironic that I just talked about this with S. My answer was that four still had a chance; more than that I thought it was irresponsible. HOM is not something I take lightly. It isn't exactly the best thing for a child. To have that many in there. They need room, nourishment, gestation, etc.; all of those things are shortened or lessened with HOM. My pause continued.
But, we are over our insurance funds. We had to find money for this cycle. And I am feeling desperate. I want a baby. And know that I (we) don't have the emotional reserves for another cycle.
My thoughts continued, I would love twins. Yes, I would even be good with triplets. (I can hear T yelling at me from 20 miles away.) But, I really would.
I am tall enough to carry triplets. The odds of all four fertilizing are next to none. When considering I've had one to two eggs each IUI. And they have all failed. Whats the probability of having all four? Next to none. God isn't that cruel, but is that nature? Maybe he has nothing to do with that decision.
The nurse asked. "Are you still there? Did I loose you?" I quickly answered, "Still here, that's fine. I just had to pause."
Yes, I believe I have become a gambler.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Take Two
Processing I guess is what I am trying to do.
Not sure why this IUI was more difficult emotionally for me. Oh yeah, this is our last IUI. Today, I realized what those words meant.
T came with me. I was grateful and yet a little worried.
This IUI has been more difficult for him as well. Although we aren't talking about it. Trying to protect each other from our own worries and concerns - fears and sadness. The only thing reconfirmed is that this is too hard for us. That it would be better to be childfree than to continue down this path. We are constants, a maybe baby just isn't. Heck, we have 26 cycles, 4 clomid, and 4 IUIs to prove that. Having a child is not a guarantee.
We go into the room. I drop throw. I'm still feeling fine. Nervous. The nurse comes in. Starts asking us the questions.
Nurse: This is your 3rd injectible IUI.
Me: Yes, it is our fourth IUI.
Nurse: Have you made an appointment with your doctor.
Me: No. This is it. We are done.
Nurse: Oh. Have you thought of IVF?
Me: Yes, we are done.
Nurse: Well there is more than one way to have a child.
Me: Yes we know.
Nurse: Have you thought of adoption?
Me: We are thinking about it. (A total lie. We've decided that it isn't what we want.)
Nurse: The doctor still would want you to come in for an appointment.
Me: Why, an exit interview? (She wouldn't like what I have to say. She wouldn't want to hear my critiques. It would not be glowing. And it isn't because we didn't have a positive out come.)
Nurse: Is it just too stressful for you?
Me: Yes. (Too stressful for us.)
Nurse: Have you thought of counseling?
Me: I've been seeing a counselor since November.
Nurse: Good. I think everyone should see a counselor. She turns to T, I know a lot of guys don't feel comfortable.
Me: He hasn't gone with me. (But the counselor has asked him to come, I'm just too afraid.)
T: I have a great relationship with my counselor. (I smile.)
Nurse: That's great.
T: I've had one since the Gulf.
Nurse: I thought you were joking with me. My husband's counselor is called a board meeting.
**We all laugh.**
Nurse: OK, well. You know your options lets get this show in the road.
**IUI is performed.**
Nurse: Ok little guys, you need to get this job done. Lets go.
**IUI is done.**
Nurse: Call us if you don't get your period for a pregnancy test. Call us regardless, we like to know how things work out.
Me: Silent. Praying she would stop talking, feeling tears in my eyes. Why would I call to tell you I have my period? That was always the worst call. And no I will not be having a meeting with Doctor Callous.
Nurse: Ok, you know the drill. S*x tonight, no ibuprofen, limit your coffee. Good luck, I really hope it works.
Me: Still silent. I look at T.
T: Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine. (A lie. Processing.) We've done everything we could? Right?
T: It isn't over yet.
Me: I know. (But why do I feel like it is?)
T: Besides cruises every year sounds great to me.
Me: (I smile - our consolation prize.) I want a sports car.
T: You can have whatever you want.
Me. (Not everything.)
We get up, and each go to work. I decide to give myself a treat at Starb*cks. Ahh, the wrong time, all the Mommies and Daddies are there.
Start to cry in the car.
The song on the radio after our last IUI. Ironically, the song on the radio during our first monitoring for our last cycle.
How Far We've Come lyrics by Matchb*x Twenty.
Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if its gone,
the cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
I started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time
[chorus]
but I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, its all, coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there was no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going you know the world is heading for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
[chorus]
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Not sure why this IUI was more difficult emotionally for me. Oh yeah, this is our last IUI. Today, I realized what those words meant.
T came with me. I was grateful and yet a little worried.
This IUI has been more difficult for him as well. Although we aren't talking about it. Trying to protect each other from our own worries and concerns - fears and sadness. The only thing reconfirmed is that this is too hard for us. That it would be better to be childfree than to continue down this path. We are constants, a maybe baby just isn't. Heck, we have 26 cycles, 4 clomid, and 4 IUIs to prove that. Having a child is not a guarantee.
We go into the room. I drop throw. I'm still feeling fine. Nervous. The nurse comes in. Starts asking us the questions.
Nurse: This is your 3rd injectible IUI.
Me: Yes, it is our fourth IUI.
Nurse: Have you made an appointment with your doctor.
Me: No. This is it. We are done.
Nurse: Oh. Have you thought of IVF?
Me: Yes, we are done.
Nurse: Well there is more than one way to have a child.
Me: Yes we know.
Nurse: Have you thought of adoption?
Me: We are thinking about it. (A total lie. We've decided that it isn't what we want.)
Nurse: The doctor still would want you to come in for an appointment.
Me: Why, an exit interview? (She wouldn't like what I have to say. She wouldn't want to hear my critiques. It would not be glowing. And it isn't because we didn't have a positive out come.)
Nurse: Is it just too stressful for you?
Me: Yes. (Too stressful for us.)
Nurse: Have you thought of counseling?
Me: I've been seeing a counselor since November.
Nurse: Good. I think everyone should see a counselor. She turns to T, I know a lot of guys don't feel comfortable.
Me: He hasn't gone with me. (But the counselor has asked him to come, I'm just too afraid.)
T: I have a great relationship with my counselor. (I smile.)
Nurse: That's great.
T: I've had one since the Gulf.
Nurse: I thought you were joking with me. My husband's counselor is called a board meeting.
**We all laugh.**
Nurse: OK, well. You know your options lets get this show in the road.
**IUI is performed.**
Nurse: Ok little guys, you need to get this job done. Lets go.
**IUI is done.**
Nurse: Call us if you don't get your period for a pregnancy test. Call us regardless, we like to know how things work out.
Me: Silent. Praying she would stop talking, feeling tears in my eyes. Why would I call to tell you I have my period? That was always the worst call. And no I will not be having a meeting with Doctor Callous.
Nurse: Ok, you know the drill. S*x tonight, no ibuprofen, limit your coffee. Good luck, I really hope it works.
Me: Still silent. I look at T.
T: Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine. (A lie. Processing.) We've done everything we could? Right?
T: It isn't over yet.
Me: I know. (But why do I feel like it is?)
T: Besides cruises every year sounds great to me.
Me: (I smile - our consolation prize.) I want a sports car.
T: You can have whatever you want.
Me. (Not everything.)
We get up, and each go to work. I decide to give myself a treat at Starb*cks. Ahh, the wrong time, all the Mommies and Daddies are there.
Start to cry in the car.
The song on the radio after our last IUI. Ironically, the song on the radio during our first monitoring for our last cycle.
How Far We've Come lyrics by Matchb*x Twenty.
Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every morning before,
now I wonder what my life is going to mean if its gone,
the cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that
I started staring at the passengers waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time
[chorus]
but I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, its all, coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
I think its turning to a crock but I don't really know
I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there was no where to run to
I sat down on the street and took a look at myself
said where you going you know the world is heading for hell
say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
[chorus]
I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
September 12th IUI - Take One
Today was our first of two IUIs. And I'm feeling hopeful. But the question is should I be?
The nurse today searched for a different catheter. She is the head nurse. Very dry, although I have a feeling there is more to her story. Like she was a former Stirrup Queen.
But, back to the catheter, I don't know if this is what the other nurses used or such. However I do know that I never felt it that viscerally before. When she put the catheter in, I nearly jumped off the table it hurt so badly. It was similar to the pain I felt for the HSG.
Oddly, it is also my first time that I am actually spotting.
Not sure if that is a good sign. The nurse insisted that it was a good sign; that I felt that muscle cramp. It tells her that she made into my uterus.
All I got to say is, I hope so. I truly hope so.
So my question is, did any of you get that sharp pain and did you get that all allusive BFP?
Please note that I know that it is too early for fertilization or implantation. I'm trying to gauge if her theory is right. That pain, is a good sign. I know that I'm being a little pathetic hoping for "a sign" so early. But, crap this is our last chance people. I need all the support (aka signs) to get me thru this two week wait!
The nurse today searched for a different catheter. She is the head nurse. Very dry, although I have a feeling there is more to her story. Like she was a former Stirrup Queen.
But, back to the catheter, I don't know if this is what the other nurses used or such. However I do know that I never felt it that viscerally before. When she put the catheter in, I nearly jumped off the table it hurt so badly. It was similar to the pain I felt for the HSG.
Oddly, it is also my first time that I am actually spotting.
Not sure if that is a good sign. The nurse insisted that it was a good sign; that I felt that muscle cramp. It tells her that she made into my uterus.
All I got to say is, I hope so. I truly hope so.
So my question is, did any of you get that sharp pain and did you get that all allusive BFP?
Please note that I know that it is too early for fertilization or implantation. I'm trying to gauge if her theory is right. That pain, is a good sign. I know that I'm being a little pathetic hoping for "a sign" so early. But, crap this is our last chance people. I need all the support (aka signs) to get me thru this two week wait!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Interupting our tribute.
FOUR - WONDERFUL - 16MM - FOLLICLES
IUIs are tomorrow and Thursday. Please pray for us that all of this goes smoothly, that the numbers are great, and that one of those eggs gets fertilized - but not all four.
Thank you.
Also, please do forgive me for posting about this on such a sullen day. But, I need the prayers.
September 11th
Six years. It has been six years since that day of terror happened.
I still remember when my boss walked into our office and said, "A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. We are closing the office, and get home to your families."
My friends and I just looked eachother. We didn't completely understand what he was talking about. After all, we had just gotten in. We were in the middle of returning client emails and calls. We had work to do. But he insisted.
Fifteen minutes later, T called and said, "Get out of town. Don't take the T (Subway in Boston). Avoid going under ground."
I reply, "Are we in danger?"
He said, "Get out. I love you. I'll talk to you as soon as I can."
I could hear the terror in his voice. He had served in the Gulf War. He serves and protects as a member of the thin blue line. He doesn't get scared and he had terror in his voice.
I immediately called my friends whom I had just left. I was heading for the commuter rail, with very few tunnels. They were going underground.
I continue towards South Station. And the only way I can describe the financial district in the middle of Boston - chaos. People were running out of the tall buildings, and all of us going torwards trains. Getting the heck out was our only thought.
Once on the train, I started calling my family. Then I remembered my roommates from college. Three out of the six of us worked in New York. In my limited knowledge, I had no idea where they were in relation to the Towers.
By the time I got a hold of my friend J, my heart was in my throat.
Luckily none of my roommates worked in that area. The only one that did, was on a business trip. My friend J's then boyfriend worked in the Towers, but his sister was in the hospital and he was by his side.
But my friend Erin's boyfriend wasn't so lucky. He called to tell her he loved her, and it was the last they heard of him. He passed away that day.
Like so many I was glued to the TV. The images are still very real in my mind's eye.
Sadness. Loss. Fear. Terror.
The days that came after, I heard of more friends who were not so lucky. One friend from college lost her brother, and another her cousin.
Equally the stories of relief - of people who were suppose to be there but weren't. Like my sister's fiance's brother. He cancelled his business trip and meeting because of his daughter's birth. Her life, probably saved his.
That day and the days that followed are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget.
To the men and women who lost of their lives, I will never forget. To the men and women who died serving our citizens, I will never forget. To the men and women who found bravery and courage that they never new they had, I will never forget.
May G-d continue to grant your families comfort, peace, and grace to deal with your loss. And may we never forget.
I still remember when my boss walked into our office and said, "A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. We are closing the office, and get home to your families."
My friends and I just looked eachother. We didn't completely understand what he was talking about. After all, we had just gotten in. We were in the middle of returning client emails and calls. We had work to do. But he insisted.
Fifteen minutes later, T called and said, "Get out of town. Don't take the T (Subway in Boston). Avoid going under ground."
I reply, "Are we in danger?"
He said, "Get out. I love you. I'll talk to you as soon as I can."
I could hear the terror in his voice. He had served in the Gulf War. He serves and protects as a member of the thin blue line. He doesn't get scared and he had terror in his voice.
I immediately called my friends whom I had just left. I was heading for the commuter rail, with very few tunnels. They were going underground.
I continue towards South Station. And the only way I can describe the financial district in the middle of Boston - chaos. People were running out of the tall buildings, and all of us going torwards trains. Getting the heck out was our only thought.
Once on the train, I started calling my family. Then I remembered my roommates from college. Three out of the six of us worked in New York. In my limited knowledge, I had no idea where they were in relation to the Towers.
By the time I got a hold of my friend J, my heart was in my throat.
Luckily none of my roommates worked in that area. The only one that did, was on a business trip. My friend J's then boyfriend worked in the Towers, but his sister was in the hospital and he was by his side.
But my friend Erin's boyfriend wasn't so lucky. He called to tell her he loved her, and it was the last they heard of him. He passed away that day.
Like so many I was glued to the TV. The images are still very real in my mind's eye.
Sadness. Loss. Fear. Terror.
The days that came after, I heard of more friends who were not so lucky. One friend from college lost her brother, and another her cousin.
Equally the stories of relief - of people who were suppose to be there but weren't. Like my sister's fiance's brother. He cancelled his business trip and meeting because of his daughter's birth. Her life, probably saved his.
That day and the days that followed are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget.
To the men and women who lost of their lives, I will never forget. To the men and women who died serving our citizens, I will never forget. To the men and women who found bravery and courage that they never new they had, I will never forget.
May G-d continue to grant your families comfort, peace, and grace to deal with your loss. And may we never forget.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Five, Five just like you.
A threat once upon a time. Now, it is how many follicles I have. With hopes, that one or two or three - hopefully not five - become just like me or T or both of us!
Yes, I went in today for my ultrasound and bloodwork. And in my opinion it is good news. Five follicles and E2 is at 622. The E2 is a little high, but that is why they are bringing my G*nalf down, dramatically in my opinion, from 112 to 37.5. But, I'm not the doctor. Back in tomorrow morning for more monitoring.
On other news, the bachelorette was Saturday. We had a great time. Unfortunatelly I'm in trouble again. Originally we were going here, but since they were unable to give me ANY reservations and would only do requests. I cancelled literally last minute (Thursday) and completely planned something new in Boston.
I didn't call the people who RSVP'd no to the first gathering. Figured if they said no before, they weren't going to be able to make it now. Not like their schedules would have changed. The sister-in-law from hell (known as SH from now on) found out. And now the groom-to-be is mad at me. Because SH gave him crap.
Funniest part, my sister told me that SH is afraid of me. Well, if she played nice, I'd play nice. And no, I do not plan to take any of her crap - because I have enough things that I have to take. Since she isn't my sister-in-law, I don't have to take her. I can just leave her.
No worries, I play nice. I know how to be civil. I have no need to be her friend.
The wedding is in 26 days! Wow, just realized. My kid sister will be a married woman in 26 days. WOW!
Yes, I went in today for my ultrasound and bloodwork. And in my opinion it is good news. Five follicles and E2 is at 622. The E2 is a little high, but that is why they are bringing my G*nalf down, dramatically in my opinion, from 112 to 37.5. But, I'm not the doctor. Back in tomorrow morning for more monitoring.
On other news, the bachelorette was Saturday. We had a great time. Unfortunatelly I'm in trouble again. Originally we were going here, but since they were unable to give me ANY reservations and would only do requests. I cancelled literally last minute (Thursday) and completely planned something new in Boston.
I didn't call the people who RSVP'd no to the first gathering. Figured if they said no before, they weren't going to be able to make it now. Not like their schedules would have changed. The sister-in-law from hell (known as SH from now on) found out. And now the groom-to-be is mad at me. Because SH gave him crap.
Funniest part, my sister told me that SH is afraid of me. Well, if she played nice, I'd play nice. And no, I do not plan to take any of her crap - because I have enough things that I have to take. Since she isn't my sister-in-law, I don't have to take her. I can just leave her.
No worries, I play nice. I know how to be civil. I have no need to be her friend.
The wedding is in 26 days! Wow, just realized. My kid sister will be a married woman in 26 days. WOW!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Roller-a-coasters
Back in the day, I would think of a roller-a-coaster and the only feelings and thoughts were positive - joy, fun, and entertaining. Now, when I think of roller-a-coasters all that comes into my mind is an emotional struggle that is infertility.
Especially since it is the only way I can explain my emotions on any given day. They are up, they are down, and (at a few lucky moments) they are stable.
On Tuesday, I went to see my therapist. It was day 2 of our last IUI cycle. And I felt nostalgic. Wondering if I was absolutely ready to quit without the ultimate prize. I was sad at the thought of not winning. Ultimately, I left wondering how I was going to talk to T about possibly trying an IVF cycle.
But as all roller-a-coasters do, I started to climb to the first massive drop. Ironically, back in the day, that was my favorite part, the drop. That part when your stomach reached your throat. But now I know that with infertility, at least so far, there is no going upwards after the drop. All there has been is a drop. (No pregnancy, and no baby to allow for a moment of success.)
As I sat yesterday on the ledge of the first drop, I realized Day 3 and the subsequent days are the reason I want to get off this crazy roller-a-coaster.
It is stressful, tearful, anxiety ridden, all consuming and definitely NOT fun.
Day 3 is the beginning of the nightmare of a cycle. It is the day I usually have some comfrontation with someone at the clinic.
This time it was over whether or not I can do my monitoring on day 8 instead of day 7. The first nurse said yes, the second nurse who called ignored the request, and the last nurse I spoke to allowed it. Then they denied my request for progesterone.
It is holding my breathe that the cycle will fit in with T's crazy ass schedule. And maneuvering mine completely and totally around. It is making sure that I am available at a moments notice for my IUIs. Because G-d knows when those will be.
It is ordering my drugs. Hoping that the stuff I have in the refrigerator is still good.
It is stress from every angel. I hate day threes. Hate them. They are why I want to stop cycling all together. They are the beginning of all my anxiety. The beginning of stress and anxiety that only grows expodentially after insemination.
It is the beginning of getting up an hour and half earlier, ultra sounds, self-injections, daily blood draws, schedule conflicts, stress that my body won't respond, that my body will respond too well, that something freakish will go wrong.
It is never fun. It is never carefree.
It is the beginning of feeling resentful torwards my Mother for not being the mother I need. Because when I cycle, I can't tell her. Afterall, all I hear is "Why are you doing that? Just quit." Instead I realize I get short with her for no reason. My anger is boiling because she won't provide me support. But she insists that I call her everyday so that she can talk at me. Because she is lonely.
It is the beginning of me creating a shell around myself. To get thru everything else that is going around me. To shield T. To avoid overwhelming my friends.
It is the beginning of all the things I dislike in my life right now. It is a reminder that my body doesn't work like other women's. It is being anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, and fatigued.
I wonder if roller-a-coasters will ever be fun again.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
It was the best time EVER!
On Monday, I met up with a few ladies. And we had a great time! Some might say, “It was the best time EVER!”
These ladies came into my life several years ago thru a mutual friend. Thru this friend a group was started. The rouse was that we would learn how to crochet. But, it was more of a get together; to touch base, to gain and give support to each other. And I really enjoyed that time. Once it was gone, I missed it.
Monday I got it back. This time we talked, walked, and shopped. I found these fantastic boots, and I am hoping to buy them soon.
But more importantly, I reconnected with two amazing ladies, and I hope to be allowed to continue to follow their life journeys, that this was only the beginning.
Here is a photo of us. I know the first ever photo of Dianne! I’m the one with the short hair on the left.
Oh yeah, Monday was also CD 1. Are you ready for the ride? I all ready had a bumpy start today and will talk more about that tomorrow. Need to breathe right now, good thing I have yoga tonight.
These ladies came into my life several years ago thru a mutual friend. Thru this friend a group was started. The rouse was that we would learn how to crochet. But, it was more of a get together; to touch base, to gain and give support to each other. And I really enjoyed that time. Once it was gone, I missed it.
Monday I got it back. This time we talked, walked, and shopped. I found these fantastic boots, and I am hoping to buy them soon.
But more importantly, I reconnected with two amazing ladies, and I hope to be allowed to continue to follow their life journeys, that this was only the beginning.
Here is a photo of us. I know the first ever photo of Dianne! I’m the one with the short hair on the left.
Oh yeah, Monday was also CD 1. Are you ready for the ride? I all ready had a bumpy start today and will talk more about that tomorrow. Need to breathe right now, good thing I have yoga tonight.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Cocooned in Jealous Rage
Saturday night I got a call from my mother. My cousin had sold her house. And she wanted to know if I had any good new of my own.
She meant if I had sold our condo. Now, this seems like a simple enough question. An annoying question if you consider that she has asked me the same question, EVERYDAY since we put the place on the market. But I know why she asked.
She wants to compete. And I fail at this competition. Like I’ve failed in the competition to give her grandchildren or have a big house or an expensive car or being thinner. I don’t measure up.
What transpires is an enormous feeling of anger; anger towards my cousin, because she got another thing that I wanted before I did. The feelings of jealous rage, makes me feel so good. (Sarcasm is inserted.) To be truthful is misplaced.
It is then directed at my mother. But it is just another thing to be angry at. The list is getting too long. And I just need to let it go.
The thought process starts:
“Let it go. Dump it. Move on. Focus on your own happiness. These things are not in your control. Life is just not fair. Yes, you try to do things “the right way” and they never work out. Yes, you get the shit end of the stick. But, that is life sometimes.
And would you want her life? For all intents and purposes, she is a single mother considering her husband refuses to do anything or be a father to his daughters. Maybe she needed this more?”
BUT WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?
PCOSMama made a comment that she believes that sometimes when important people die, other important people are born into our lives. I believe that. It happened with my cousin B, his sister was pregnant four weeks when he died.
The part that you may not have put together, I was on Clomid at that time. And got my period the day that B died. I got passed over. Saying that, I mean sister trumps cousin. So I understand.
But despite the fact that I desperately want to believe that it would be my turn. My deepest fear is that one of my other cousins will get pregnant instead. Taking my turn once again.
I just can’t handle that. I can’t handle the additional disappointment. The feeling of being passed over. AGAIN!
So, instead, I am left feeling cocooned in my own jealous rage.
But here, I can leave it all my craziness. Because where else, besides here, can I voice these irrational thoughts? Thank goodness for this space, where I am allowed to drop this rage, break out and seek my butterfly form. And feel better.
Monday, August 27, 2007
T's B-day....so true. I had to post!
Got the idea from a fellow blogger. The Cookie Princess did the Birthday quiz for herself and her husband. This is T's answer. Too stinkin' funny! T good thing I'm head over heels with you!
Your Birthdate: December 30 |
 You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March |
Thursday, August 23, 2007
My Happiness
The amazing Mel has done it again, now in a series revolving around happiness. (I tried to link her, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me!) You may be asking, “What has she done?” Well she has made me think. Truly think.
She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.
I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.
That is when it happened.
I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.
But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.
Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?
Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.
If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.
Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.
It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.
See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.
Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.
My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.
This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.
Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?
So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.
She has asked us about our definition of happiness. Seems like a simple enough question. But to me it was hard. And what I realized while thinking about it was OMG powerful; very scary in many ways and a huge AHA moment.
I know that despite all of the shit that occurs with infertility, I’m happy with my current life. It is just tough to see it, well, because of all the shit that is infertility. (I know I am just so eloquent.) And I also know that I could be happier.
That is when it happened.
I realize that I’ve been giving up on my own happiness, in hope that my self sacrifice would bring my ultimate reward. Yes, how CRAZY is that? Especially considering it doesn’t mean anything. Most people who achieve pregnancy are all about their own happiness and selfishness. They never had to self sacrifice. It sounds insane to me now. But, I know that I have been doing a little bit at a time – giving up on my happiness.
But it is HYSTERICAL to me that about a year ago I refused to take away one more bit of happiness in my life. Coffee. I actually only have one caffeinated drink a day. But it is usually a cup of coffee. I sip. Enjoy it thoroughly. A little International D*light or milk and sugar, either way leaves me enjoying my start of my day. My simple bit of normalcy, that is what I held on to.
Humans amaze me. And I am definitely human. Once I started to think about all of this, I realized that the factors of what makes me happy are also the factors that hold me back with IVF. Again, a what the heck moment?
Let me explain. In this thought process, I realized one of the key things to my happiness is stability. Now, that word means a lot of things. It means stability at work and at home. But, when I think of stability, I mean financial stability. I need to know that I will be able to pay my bills and put food on the table at all times. The thought of not being able to do those things scares the CRAP out of me. So does debt. I mean I have debt, but it is a calculated amount of debt, i.e. mortgage, car loan, credit card. Nothing that we can’t handle and still maintain a comfortable life style. I value that enormously.
If we didn’t have it, I know that I would be miserable. And I think it is why I am fearful of spending more money on something that I know may not work. I know that if we never get pregnant and I spend the money. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. To me the waste is bigger than not trying.
Stability, before infertility also meant a constant weight. I was happier at 145. After I stopped taking the pill, and we started trying. Well, my weight was far from constant. It started to fluctuate. It became a struggle. And for nearly three years, I decided in my self sacrificing that my weight had to be one of those things. I’m not sure what has happened in the last few weeks. A breaking point maybe? But now, I am taking that happiness back. I feel better for it. Happier.
It could be because it lends itself to control. Feeling that I have some kind of control in my life is also key. Feeling out of control, it makes me feel unhappy, to say the least. And infertility definitely takes away control. My body has taken control. I don’t like it. But it isn’t a necessarily a bad lesson to learn. Since I am sure that it is a lesson many people learn, just later in life. As a result, it is something that I will get used to. More so than I have as of yet – perish the thought – but a realistic one.
See, I also like change and hate feeling stagnate. Change is part of life. Your life expanding is part of change. Infertility has taken how I thought my life would naturally change. Instead, I am seeking change. But, change for the sake of change, I think is not a smart idea. Struggling with this part of my happiness, since even the things that I think would be a good change (i.e. selling our condo) is out of my control and very frustrating.
Also, I value routine and normalcy. Why I think why my coffee has been a constant. Although, I would think that these are less important to maintaining my happiness because I routinely know that I can only control my own routine. That for example T has no routine or normalcy due to his work. At times this brings me down, and I need to know things like if he will be home for dinner and at what time. Other times, I am resigned to his schedule and I focus on my own routine and normalcy.
My coffee is actually even more important to me during treatments. Maybe it is my attempt of keeping something normal, when my whole routine is changed. Like I may need to get up an hour and half earlier to go to for blood draws or ultrasound, but I am ok as long as I am able to treat myself after the fact with a cup of delicious coffee.
This time period has not been all for not, since it also introduced a new bit thing that makes me happy – yoga. But it is how it makes me feel, peaceful. Who doesn’t like to feel that way? Every Wednesday, I leave there with that feeling in abundance. So, I know I love feeling that way. But, I also know that it is not something that I have constantly, but just that hour helps place me find happiness.
Ultimately, I guess that I do know having a baby is not the end all be all of my happiness. I think it would increase it in a certain extent. But doing things and forsaking my happiness is not bringing me closer to a baby, it will only make me miserable. No amount of sacrifice will help. So why continue to do that? What good is that?
So happiness is a new goal. Thanks Mel, I needed that reminder.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
How about those apples?
I've ovulated. YUP! I've been peeing on sticks, using my handy dandy monitor, and no detection. Yet my blood test today CLEARLY shows that I ovulated.
If no AF in 14 days, I am to get a blood pregnancy test. HA! (Why did I feel like putting an asteric in the word pregnancy? Maybe because it is starting to feel like a bad word.)
Not sure why this is frustrating me, but it is. Stuck waiting, more effing waiting.
Whatever!
If no AF in 14 days, I am to get a blood pregnancy test. HA! (Why did I feel like putting an asteric in the word pregnancy? Maybe because it is starting to feel like a bad word.)
Not sure why this is frustrating me, but it is. Stuck waiting, more effing waiting.
Whatever!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Skinny
The diet is going well enough. No actual progress since my initial drop. Actually, I've gained a 1 pound back, but I'm chalking that up to the ice cream I had last night. I know myself if I don't allow for some cheat'n I will blow this diet. So we will see, I think in about a month I'll know more if this is working. The good news is that I fit into my jeans yesterday very comfortably. So that is a good sign! And I've done some physical exercise everyday except Sunday. Not bad.
IF, it is currently CD 25. Still no ovulation detected and no sign of AF. So, I broke and called the RE today. Bloodwork tomorrow and probably Friday to figure out where the hell I am with my cycle. Hoping that I get my period soon, so that we can have our last IUI in September. Yes, the money is over for the extra insurance, but that is what credit cards are for. See, not kidding slippery slope people.
Lastly, I'm back to the wedding festivities planning. I need ideas for my sister's bachelorette. Everything I've thought of is way too expensive or not exactly right. Very stressed over it and the clock is seriously TICKING!
IF, it is currently CD 25. Still no ovulation detected and no sign of AF. So, I broke and called the RE today. Bloodwork tomorrow and probably Friday to figure out where the hell I am with my cycle. Hoping that I get my period soon, so that we can have our last IUI in September. Yes, the money is over for the extra insurance, but that is what credit cards are for. See, not kidding slippery slope people.
Lastly, I'm back to the wedding festivities planning. I need ideas for my sister's bachelorette. Everything I've thought of is way too expensive or not exactly right. Very stressed over it and the clock is seriously TICKING!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Your Birthdate: June 9 |
You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September |
Lets hope that September is my power month. Well, if AF or ovulation ever show!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thoughts
I have a lot of thoughts running thru my head. And most of them are negative. I don't really know what to do with them all. So I'm dumping them here.
The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.
I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.
I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.
Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.
While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"
Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.
Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.
See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.
Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.
I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.
Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.
The last 2 years and 11 months have left me feeling bitter, angry, and sad. My heart feels like it is weighing me down. I want to hide.
I've felt this way since our last cycle failed. Maybe it was that I never really had any time to mourn it. To get to the point, where I know that it will be OK. Instead, I jumped into my sister's bachelorette. Then to monitoring and injections. Then to my grandfather's death, cancelling the cycle, and endless questions of when it will be our turn.
I feel drained. So freak'n angry that it has not been "our turn" yet. And overwhelmed in how to handle my life.
Please understand that I completely appreciate all of your support. It helps me tremendously. But, somedays, I wish that I had someone to talk about this in real life. Someone who hasn't beaten the infertility struggle, but who is still in the trenches.
While blog support helps, somedays, I don't think there is anything more important than to have a real life person to say, "Hey lets escape this mess for a while, you want some icecream?"
Also, I have people in my life (mostly on T's side of the family) who have gone thru infertility. But, their infertility brought them to IVF much sooner. And to be honest, I don't think they appreciate how emotionally drained I am. For two reasons. First, they skipped clomid and IUI. They didn't have those options, and sometimes I think that can be a blessing. Secondly, because - and please don't take offense - I think your prespective changes once you win. And they all have one, not once but three times each.
Unfortunatley, once you have that child in your arms, you think that is the only solution. And unfortunately, just because you got the golden ticket, doesn't mean that I will.
See, I KNOW, that G-d says no. He has said many a no in my life. I've grown enough to know that he says no, and that it isn't because he doesn't love me. It simply isn't meant to be. This knowledge makes me sad. Because it also increases my feelings of this struggle being futile. Since, he maybe saying no. And I won't know until I'm dead if that is true.
Also, my thoughts of getting off this crazy rollercoaster are compounded by two factions in my life. My family's just let it go, it is obviously not meant to be. And my husband's family's just do IVF and stay strong.
I know that I have one more IUI cycle. More than that, I don't know if I can mentally handle that turmoil. That no. Because, IVF only ups the knowledge. I will find out if my body is completely effed up, right now I know that is partially effed up. For some reason, that leaves me with a little hope. Without knowing the complete story, it is false hope, but still it is more than nothing. Also, it ups the financial burden which is my deep dirty secret - I don't want this too bankrupt us. And it could.
Somedays, I know that I need to get off this road to keep what little sanity I have. Other days, I think that if I get off without the baby, I'm a failure and a quiter. Most days, I want to hide from my reality - because it is no fun.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Weight
What an ugly word. No one is ever satisfied, no one is ever content. It is a constant struggle.
But oddly, it is making me feel as if I am getting a bit of control back.
So this diet, has led me to think about my weight issues.
1-19: Under weight. At one point, 5 ft 7 in I weighed 115 pounds, my then doctor accused me of being annorexic. My mother quickly said "Her, she eats more than her father."
19-25: Grew two more inches for my now height of 5 ft 9 in. And got mono. Yes that lovely ailment that literally kicked my a$$ for about six months and changed my metabolism. In six months of illness, I gained 30 pounds. It does make sense, since all I did was eat and sleep. A little studying was thrown in (my Freshmen year).
Yup, loads of fun. My mom, God love her, told me I was fat. (Thanks Mom, if you compare anyone to your nieces, they would be considered fat. Considering they are aneroxic and between 2 to 9 inches shorter than me.) After watching my food consumption, I went down to 135 for several years.
26-28: Met T. Gained 10 pounds. 145. Actually, at what 5 ft 9 in is suppose to be at.
28: I get off the pill, start this journey of trying to conceive. Gain 5 pounds. I'm up to 150.
29-30: Gain 5 pounds, I'm up to 155. Struggle to loose those five pounds every few months. Fluctuate between 150 and 155.
31: At June 1st, I weighed 150, by the end of July and two crazy cycles, I gained 7 pounds.
Yup, that is what did it. Those additional seven pounds about put me over the edge. I've been wearing the same few pants for the last several weeks. Actually, getting very sick of them.
I found that no matter how healthy I was eating, I was gaining weight. It is extremely frustrating, because the only thing I can blame it on are the medications. So out of my control. UGH. I guess this cancelling is a blessing in disguise. Because my total and absolute disgust with my body has led me to this diet.
So this diet. It is actually healthy, which I usually eat that way too. It only brings to my attention portion size. (And this is where I have found I was going terribly wrong.) It also promotes a balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It is suppose to help with hormone and insulin levels. It may become a permanent life style change. With all of that in mind, I feel like it may actually do what I need it to do.
Help me loose weight, and maintain it while I am on a crazy cycle. (Oh yeah, where is my ovulation or period. I HAVE NO IDEA. Need to call the doctor.)
In addition, I've walked Monday, Tuesday, and today. Went to yoga yesterday. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. Very excited! Now only if my stomach could shrink so that I won't be HUNGRY all of the time. :).
But oddly, it is making me feel as if I am getting a bit of control back.
So this diet, has led me to think about my weight issues.
1-19: Under weight. At one point, 5 ft 7 in I weighed 115 pounds, my then doctor accused me of being annorexic. My mother quickly said "Her, she eats more than her father."
19-25: Grew two more inches for my now height of 5 ft 9 in. And got mono. Yes that lovely ailment that literally kicked my a$$ for about six months and changed my metabolism. In six months of illness, I gained 30 pounds. It does make sense, since all I did was eat and sleep. A little studying was thrown in (my Freshmen year).
Yup, loads of fun. My mom, God love her, told me I was fat. (Thanks Mom, if you compare anyone to your nieces, they would be considered fat. Considering they are aneroxic and between 2 to 9 inches shorter than me.) After watching my food consumption, I went down to 135 for several years.
26-28: Met T. Gained 10 pounds. 145. Actually, at what 5 ft 9 in is suppose to be at.
28: I get off the pill, start this journey of trying to conceive. Gain 5 pounds. I'm up to 150.
29-30: Gain 5 pounds, I'm up to 155. Struggle to loose those five pounds every few months. Fluctuate between 150 and 155.
31: At June 1st, I weighed 150, by the end of July and two crazy cycles, I gained 7 pounds.
Yup, that is what did it. Those additional seven pounds about put me over the edge. I've been wearing the same few pants for the last several weeks. Actually, getting very sick of them.
I found that no matter how healthy I was eating, I was gaining weight. It is extremely frustrating, because the only thing I can blame it on are the medications. So out of my control. UGH. I guess this cancelling is a blessing in disguise. Because my total and absolute disgust with my body has led me to this diet.
So this diet. It is actually healthy, which I usually eat that way too. It only brings to my attention portion size. (And this is where I have found I was going terribly wrong.) It also promotes a balance of protein, carbs, and fat. It is suppose to help with hormone and insulin levels. It may become a permanent life style change. With all of that in mind, I feel like it may actually do what I need it to do.
Help me loose weight, and maintain it while I am on a crazy cycle. (Oh yeah, where is my ovulation or period. I HAVE NO IDEA. Need to call the doctor.)
In addition, I've walked Monday, Tuesday, and today. Went to yoga yesterday. So far, I've lost 4 pounds. Very excited! Now only if my stomach could shrink so that I won't be HUNGRY all of the time. :).
Monday, August 13, 2007
New mission.
My latest thought is that I want to incur some revenge on this crappy body of mine. So I am going on a diet. I've never done this before. Yes, I've controlled my food intake before. But, I've never purchased materials on a diet, read it, planned to follow it, signed up for information and followed a "plan."
After talking to a friend, I've decided to take her lead and use "The Z*ne." It actually looks very healthy, and somewhat possible to follow. Ironically, I think I will be eating more than I do now. Just differently. So one step at a time.
In addition, to the diet, I'll be walking at lunch two to three times a week. Yoga one to two times a week. And we will see what happens from there. I'd like to start doing more, just not sure what that is at this point.
I just know myself. I've never liked exercise - except for yoga. But, I've also never felt so utterly disgusted with myself. You know there is a problem when your "fat" pants are tight.
So a new mission...maybe it will be a good way to start liking my body again. Hmmm....I'll just be happy fitting into my bridesmaid dress. October is fast approaching.
After talking to a friend, I've decided to take her lead and use "The Z*ne." It actually looks very healthy, and somewhat possible to follow. Ironically, I think I will be eating more than I do now. Just differently. So one step at a time.
In addition, to the diet, I'll be walking at lunch two to three times a week. Yoga one to two times a week. And we will see what happens from there. I'd like to start doing more, just not sure what that is at this point.
I just know myself. I've never liked exercise - except for yoga. But, I've also never felt so utterly disgusted with myself. You know there is a problem when your "fat" pants are tight.
So a new mission...maybe it will be a good way to start liking my body again. Hmmm....I'll just be happy fitting into my bridesmaid dress. October is fast approaching.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I'm fine.
Oh yeah, I know where I am now. I don't have to lie.
First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.
I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.
***
The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."
I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!
Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.
Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.
Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.
Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.
And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.
I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.
Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.
I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.
Infertility blows.
First thank you all for your words of condolences. My grandfather was indeed a special person. And he taught me to laugh and love, amongst many other things. I will miss him very much.
I flew out to California on Saturday with my parents, all of my aunts and uncles, four cousins, my sister, and six week greatgrandchild. My Aunt and Step-Grandmother were all ready there. We got to see all of his friends of the last 21 years. (We all had visited but I am sure no one completely truly appreciated that he had made another life for himself.) The ceremony was beautiful. Although my heart was heavy, I felt at peace that he indeed was no longer in any pain.
***
The only thing that I wish didn't happen, where all the freaking comments. It made it that much harder for me. To listen to all of the questions of when it would be our turn. By the end, I told one person flat out that like her daughter, "I can't have children very easily". With another person, I told him "when the medical community figures out what is wrong with me." And with my newly grandfathered uncle, I told "I've been visiting many a doctor on that topic."
I am just so EXHAUSTED. It was bitter sweet having that beautiful boy there and I know that all of my other family took comfort in it. When his grandmother said, "We waited a long time." I nearly screamed. Really, a year is a long time!
Or when the new mom kept on talking about her birth, her new inability to fit in to pants because her hips have moved, etc. Oh yeah, how about the woman who's daughter just got pregnant and is due in February. How my cousin will be starting to try. I walked away a lot. Did you know that my grandfather, had peach trees, I got to see them while they chatted away. I just couldn't take that conversation, it was just too much to bare - to hear all the things I'll never get to talk about.
Sadly, the little one liked me. We hung out more than I probably should have. Because there were moments that all I wanted was to cry. Yet, I couldn't because I was hardly in a safe place.
Oh yeah, and this cycle had to be cancelled. All of my monitoring would of happened this past weekend. I still haven't ovulated, so I'll probably have my period next year.
Don't get me wrong please, I'm glad that I got to say to goodbye to my Grandfather. I just wish, that something could go right or that I could walk away from my body for a while. I am just so sick and tired of this crap. I need it to be over.
And I don't feel like I can say that to anyone, because I am the strong one. The one who is suppose to be there for everyone else. But, all I want is someone to hug me and tell me that it SUCKS. That it is OK to cry. To let it out. And that they love me no matter what. I am just so sad.
I despise my physical body. I feel fat, and it sure as hell didn't help to hear three women constantly complain about their bodies. When my aunt asked me if I was unhappy with my body. I said yes, but that I can't go on a diet until all this is over.
Maybe the good thing is that they may understand that I have a heavy heart. But I am sure they won't be saying anything, we all are just too wrapped up in their own shit to care.
I desperately want some support, and I feel so completely alone. I'm in this by myself. More often than not, I cry by myself. To avoid my husband from seeing. I know that this is too much for him as well. I no longer want to impose on him. But, isolating myself, is only making me feel well isolated.
Infertility blows.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Adeus Avo
My Grandfather passed away yesterday morning. As he said, "I'm 85 years old, I had a good life. I had four children, nine grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I've been married twice, and once to the love of my life. When my time is up, I am ready to go."
As his grandchild, I will take that to heart and remember him as a funny, loving, and caring grandfather that he was, a true blessing.
Avo, you will be very missed and please watch over us. Love you.
As his grandchild, I will take that to heart and remember him as a funny, loving, and caring grandfather that he was, a true blessing.
Avo, you will be very missed and please watch over us. Love you.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Cysts
So, I went in for my ultrasound this morning. First thing I saw were two dark circles on an ovary. "What is that?" I asked. Super nice technician, "Cysts."
I've been worried all day that my last IUI would be postponed. Luckily, I worried for nothing. I start the G*nalf tonight. They upped my dosage again. Oh what fun? Also, since my luteal phase was shorter by two days this cycle, I'll be on progesterone. More fun.
Wondering if my "different" symptoms were caused by the cysts.
***
On another note, I am EXHAUSTED. We partied like rockstars this weekend. And had a great time. Between travel, little sleep, and emotional exertion of this cycle - I feel like I can sleep for a few days. Hoping to play catch up this week.
I've been worried all day that my last IUI would be postponed. Luckily, I worried for nothing. I start the G*nalf tonight. They upped my dosage again. Oh what fun? Also, since my luteal phase was shorter by two days this cycle, I'll be on progesterone. More fun.
Wondering if my "different" symptoms were caused by the cysts.
***
On another note, I am EXHAUSTED. We partied like rockstars this weekend. And had a great time. Between travel, little sleep, and emotional exertion of this cycle - I feel like I can sleep for a few days. Hoping to play catch up this week.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
One more to go.
If you haven't guessed, no golden ticket. One more try. So defeated at the moment. Will be partaking in many an alcoholic beverage. Until next week.
Friday, July 27, 2007
A Golden Ticket
Like Charlie, I am given only a few chances to find my Golden Ticket. Actually, in two years and 10 months, I have been given 24 chances. Yes, my luck is horrible compared to Charlie’s. But that is also why I am not a gambler.
So, for the last two years and 10 months, I have been searching, yearning, coveting, my golden ticket, a baby. After all the doctors pretty much told me that my problem is ovulation. And I’ve ovulated at least 13 times that I know of, therefore it is safe to assume their might be more going on. But, after two years and 10 months, I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. Enough is enough.
This cycle, I let hope in. And again she is reminding me that she is stronger and meaner than I. My hope was coxed after I exhibited “different” symptoms, well isn’t that always the way? Now, AF is knocking on my door since yesterday. Knowing too much, I know that it could be a good sign, because it started DPI 10/11 – could it be implantation bleeding? My luteal phase has never been shorter than CD 14 (I checked my records. And I've only "spotted" once before, and that well was followed by my worst period ever.). If anyone else would be presenting me with these facts, I would say don’t throw in the towel yet, not until the fat lady sings. But, I feel defeated - which leaves me to something that has been on my mind.
See this is our second to last IUI, only one more. I am sure that cycle will start in just a few days, and will end much in the same way as the previous 24 in August. After that, T and I will go into the new world of living child free. I will be back on the pill, and I will stop my prenatal. You get the point, we will be closing up shop.
And I still won’t have a Golden Ticket; nothing good to show for all of my efforts. I want to mark it. Part of me wants people to see it. To know what it means. So that I no longer have to be silent to the outside world about my infertility struggles. I want people to know that I am not selfish, that I yearned to be a mother more than I can actually say; that I have spilled and still do spill many a tear over my husband and my predicament. We were just unlucky. Him even more than I, since he married me and into this predicament.
I feel like I will need to continuously need to validate our reasoning. Because we have stopped doesn’t mean we didn’t want it bad enough, it means that we had enough. And bite my lip, instead of asking how long they would do something that they obviously were not going to be successful at. How long they would keep trying, when all they saw were negatives for 24 cycles, 7 medicated, 3 procedures – when the only thing wrong with them was “fixed.” If they would keep going on an endless rollercoaster that only made them more broken.
My secret is that I am jealous of people who have had a positive pregnancy test. Even of the ones who have lost their babies soon after. To me, they had the Golden Ticket and more validation to grieve. They are the war veterans with an outward wound. I have been grieving for something I never had. In many people’s eyes, not yours, I don’t have a right. I don’t want to have to justify being sad over this. I just need to get over it. To do just that I need to acknowledge, and grieve the situation. Mind me I know that I will have more than a scare or two, on my soul and heart.
So, do you have any ideas of how I can commemorate the last three years (I’m rounding up.)? Because August is coming. This will no longer be an infertility blog, instead it will be a woman coping getting off this rollercoaster and going into the unknown of a conciliation life. Who doesn’t want to forget where she came from, but needs to move on.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
**SPOILER ALERT**
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As we all know, I love Harry P*tter. It was no different with the last and final book. This book brought tears to my eyes, and my heart to my throat.
Many times, I wanted Harry, Ron and Hermoine to hide underneath a bed with me; their mortal danger was emanating from the pages. Call me Mrs. Weasley. As it is, we lost many beloved friends: Hedwig, Mad Eye, Dobby, George, Tonks, and Lupin. They all died and my heart broke for those who remained, especially for little Teddy, Mr. & Mrs. Weasely, and most of all for Harry.
And for all the moments of terrible sadness. There were moments were my heart soared and tears were brought to my eyes for sheer happiness. When - what seemed to be the entire magical community - joined together and fought the ultimate evil. And when Kreacher stormed out of the Hogwarts kitchen. (I truly hope they don't cut this out in the movie.) My heart did summersaults.
Now for analysis of my predictions:
Some of my predictions were completely and totally wrong. (Said with a smile.) Dumbledore was definitely not from muggle lineage, nor did he have a connection in this way to Harry thru Lilly. James was not directly related to Godric Gryffindor. And Aunt Petunia did not have any magical abilities or links. (The story line of Petunia broke my heart. How she started shunning magic because she couldn’t be a part of it. In a way, I empathize and completely understand. She didn’t want to be left behind by her sister.)
However, I would give myself partial credit that Harry would win thru LOVE. He won thru chance (or acquiring the Elder wand), self sacrifice and love in my opinion. Also, I enjoyed how JKR allowed for Harry and other “good guys” to use unforgivable curses without tainting them. Giving me full credit for the theory of war being justifiable reasoning. Very glad she used the reasoning considering children of our soldiers. (And GO Mrs. Weasely when she got Bellatrix, I leaped in delight!) But, mostly, I appreciate how Harry never tainted himself with the ultimate unforgivable curse and therefore maintained the purity and innocence of his soul.
Alas, I was dead on that Dumbledore would not come back. However, for a dead character he contributed a ton to the story line. And I liked how they brought the fact that he wasn't perfect into reality, because no one is. It made me enjoy his character even more endearing. His relationship with Aberforth was so real and I truly enjoyed his character. The blue eye that brought me comfort thru it’s relation to my beloved Dumbledore.
My predictions about Harry’s relationship/ownership to a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, a flying motorbike, a two way mirror, Dobby, Rita Skeeter, and Umbridge. Personally, JKR did a great job in mentioning all of these things and beings. Can I just say, how my heart broke for Dobby. Also, how I disliked Skeeter and Umbridge just as much as the first time.
RAB or Rugulus surprised me. His protection of Kreacher gave me a tremendous amount of respect for him and his bravery for trying to stop Voldermort.
The character that I have grown to love is Snape. His beauty is that he is just like the rest of us, neither good nor bad, only human. And what a beautiful, proud, brave, strong, loving, and loyal human he was. His devotion to Lilly, well, it allows me to forgive him for his character flaws.
Despite my prediction that Wormtail would aid Harry, I never imagined that he would die in that terrible, cruel manner, so Voldermort.
The book only left me with one bit of confusion. (I am sure once I read it again, I am sure to find some other things that leave me a little baffled. Thinking too much does that to me.) I understand that Harry’s wand recognized Voldermort as being a mortal enemy/relative. But, the part that I am confused with involves the Deathly Hollows.
Now, we know that Harry inherited the invisibility cloak because it went down thru the generations. But, may I assume that the Elder’s ring was the same? Could Voldermort and Harry actually have been distant relatives? Therefore the blood bond was all ready there and it may explain the first altercation between Harry and Voldermort?
Ultimately, I know that it was very convenient how Harry feel upon the Hollows. What were the chances, that he would fight Draco and receive his wand before Harry sacrificing himself to Voldermort? But, I can’t begrudge JKR for her creative liberty, since it has always been her story. A beautiful, captivating, imaginative story which teaches so many valuable lessons about: humanity, death, equality, fairness, good vs. evil, community, and justice. To name just a few.
To me, Harry’s story will always be one of my favorites. (I actually read the Epilogue twice, because to me no one deserved a happy ending more than Harry.)
Thank you JK R*wling. Your imagination is beyond any that I have found and has brought me utter and complete joy. It helped me in ways that I cannot express, and I feel indebted to you.
So...
I've finished Harry Potter and the Deathly H*llows. And I want to talk about it. But I will be patient, considering that I am sure that there are many people still reading or what not. Consider this my warning. I will post on Friday about my thoughts. It will have SPOILER ALERT as the title, a photo of fireworks, then my thoughts. Cool? Cool. Good.
Now, to the 2ww saga that is currently my life. I so just don't know. I am hopeful, but not over the top. Like I said before hope and I are definitely sipping herbal tea and enjoying our time. I will say this cycle is ODD. But, it could be just that - another odd cycle.
As my luck goes, of course, this weekend is my sister's bachelorette. It was planned by a friend of her's. And I "officially" won't know the answer to my 2ww. So, I plan on taking a HPT on Saturday morning - it will be 13 DPI. Basically if it is negative, I will take it as an OK to drink up. If it is positive, I will be ecstatic and making up excuses for not drinking. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life until we see the heart beat. Those words bring a smile to my face. How blissful?
Unlucky me, the sister-in-law from hell, is now coming to the bachelorette and she is bringing friends. To my sister's bachelorette. Yeah, WTH? Can't we just be a grown-up PLEASE!
So wish me luck...please.
Now, to the 2ww saga that is currently my life. I so just don't know. I am hopeful, but not over the top. Like I said before hope and I are definitely sipping herbal tea and enjoying our time. I will say this cycle is ODD. But, it could be just that - another odd cycle.
As my luck goes, of course, this weekend is my sister's bachelorette. It was planned by a friend of her's. And I "officially" won't know the answer to my 2ww. So, I plan on taking a HPT on Saturday morning - it will be 13 DPI. Basically if it is negative, I will take it as an OK to drink up. If it is positive, I will be ecstatic and making up excuses for not drinking. Since I don't want to tell anyone in real life until we see the heart beat. Those words bring a smile to my face. How blissful?
Unlucky me, the sister-in-law from hell, is now coming to the bachelorette and she is bringing friends. To my sister's bachelorette. Yeah, WTH? Can't we just be a grown-up PLEASE!
So wish me luck...please.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Feeling very...
IMPATIENT.
I used to think I was patient. (Said with a smile.) Now, I know better. I hate to wait. As time goes by, I understand instant gratification more and more. Right now is one of those times that I DESPERATELY would appreciate instant gratification.
Funny, it isn't all in relation to my current 2ww. However, I am a little impatient about that too. But, my worse of the 2ww is ALWAYS week two, and closer to test day. At 4 DPI, I think I'm good. (Granted things are not "normal." TMI, I have been constipated (not usual), still have CM, and VERY bloated. Body is screwing around again. HMPH. At least it is what I tell myself considering it is 4DPI! Oh, and I caught myself soaking my sandwich in pickle juice. Not something I usually do, but it was VERY YUMMY.)
But, the reason I am felling impatient is because of Harry P*tter. No seriously. Yes, I know the book comes out today, etc. But, T and I have a tradition. For the last four books, he has bought them for me. And he bought my Book 7. But, the problem he is at a competition in a different state, and the book is being delivered to his work. And it will be trapped in their mail room. I will have to wait until Monday. I am so bummed.
I WANT THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION. Granted it won't be instantaneous considering I will have to read the 746 pages to know EVERYTHING. It probably is a good thing that I will have to wait considering I am rereading Book 6. And I should finish before starting 7. Since there is so much I have forgotten. BUT, I really want it NOW.
Yes, just like so many other things.
Yet again, like with so many things, it could be a good thing that I must wait. Considering I will start it during the worst part of my 2ww. It will be my ultimate distraction. So maybe, just maybe there is value in waiting. HMPH...who would of thunk it!
I used to think I was patient. (Said with a smile.) Now, I know better. I hate to wait. As time goes by, I understand instant gratification more and more. Right now is one of those times that I DESPERATELY would appreciate instant gratification.
Funny, it isn't all in relation to my current 2ww. However, I am a little impatient about that too. But, my worse of the 2ww is ALWAYS week two, and closer to test day. At 4 DPI, I think I'm good. (Granted things are not "normal." TMI, I have been constipated (not usual), still have CM, and VERY bloated. Body is screwing around again. HMPH. At least it is what I tell myself considering it is 4DPI! Oh, and I caught myself soaking my sandwich in pickle juice. Not something I usually do, but it was VERY YUMMY.)
But, the reason I am felling impatient is because of Harry P*tter. No seriously. Yes, I know the book comes out today, etc. But, T and I have a tradition. For the last four books, he has bought them for me. And he bought my Book 7. But, the problem he is at a competition in a different state, and the book is being delivered to his work. And it will be trapped in their mail room. I will have to wait until Monday. I am so bummed.
I WANT THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION. Granted it won't be instantaneous considering I will have to read the 746 pages to know EVERYTHING. It probably is a good thing that I will have to wait considering I am rereading Book 6. And I should finish before starting 7. Since there is so much I have forgotten. BUT, I really want it NOW.
Yes, just like so many other things.
Yet again, like with so many things, it could be a good thing that I must wait. Considering I will start it during the worst part of my 2ww. It will be my ultimate distraction. So maybe, just maybe there is value in waiting. HMPH...who would of thunk it!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Err...I think you misunderstood.
The feelings about being stagnate are how I feel in general about infertility. Not about this cycle. For some reason, hope is in the house for this cycle. Not full force hope. But hope that knocked politely, I let her in, and we are settling in with a nice cup of herbal tea. Enjoying eachother's company but not madly passionately in love.
With that said, I want to document how odd this cycle has been. When I was taking my G*nalf, I couldn't eat enough. And now, a few days after my IUIs, I am still bloated and SUPER tired. A little odd, since my bloating usually goes down after ovulation and my energy levels aren't usually effected until my period. And it slightly makes me giddy. When that giddiness becomes craziness, I remember that it is just my body playing games with my head. Much too early for anything to be happening. OBVIOUSLY.
And I would like to keep my feet grounded.
It is going to be a long 13 days. (My clinic only tests 15 DPI.)
With that said, I want to document how odd this cycle has been. When I was taking my G*nalf, I couldn't eat enough. And now, a few days after my IUIs, I am still bloated and SUPER tired. A little odd, since my bloating usually goes down after ovulation and my energy levels aren't usually effected until my period. And it slightly makes me giddy. When that giddiness becomes craziness, I remember that it is just my body playing games with my head. Much too early for anything to be happening. OBVIOUSLY.
And I would like to keep my feet grounded.
It is going to be a long 13 days. (My clinic only tests 15 DPI.)
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Stagnate
So, I went to my therapist a week ago. She kept on asking me "How are you?" She asked me about three times. And the first few times, I gave her my knee jerk reaction response "I'm fine." But, she wasn't happy with that response, and finally I came up with it. "I feel stagnate."
Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.
Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)
Everyone else <> gets what they want. While, I sit here twiddling my fingers waiting for life to happen. And I'm very sick of it.
As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.
And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.
Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.
At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.
Everyone else's life is moving forward, while mine remains. My friends all get pregnant easily and have beautiful children within a year. While I have been trying just to get pregnant for almost 3 years.
Everyone else has put their place on the market and had it sold with in several weeks. Our place has been on the market for a month. Eight people have come to see it, but no offers. (I know it is the different market. Blah blah blah.)
Everyone else <
As I held my friend S's new beautiful baby on Sunday, I yearned for my turn. Ached. When T asked me what was wrong, I said "Nothing." Because it isn't anything new. That ach has been there for a long time. But, now it is different. As we get closer to the end of our treatments (only one more to go - if you little eggies don't listen) it is more of never going to happen, instead of it being I hope it happens soon.
And I feel like I am going to only remain more stagnate. My friends and family will continue to have babies. We will eventually sell our condo and get into a new home. We will eventually get our dog. But eventually those things will also become stagnate too. No other life events will occur. At least not the good ones. We will get older, lose jobs, probably find new ones (hopefully this will be good), lose people, etc. But nothing new will come into our lives. No beautiful bundles of joys, that will be for others to enjoy and for us to admire from outside. We will remain in S - L - O - W motion while everyone else runs at normal pace.
Sadly, I'm not only feeling left behind by my real life friends, I'm feeling left behind by my board and blogland buddies. People are making circles around me, while I stand still.
At this point, I am desperate for some kind of change. Something that will allow us to grow. Because that is the worst part for me right now. Staying put. For the maybe, for the what may be.
Monday, July 16, 2007
IUI's Theme Song
Very apropos considering I spent most of this morning to do just that breathe :P. So, I've highlighted the stuff that is apropos, considering some of it isn't applicable, but I think you will allow me my creative liberty :).
ANNA NALI*K LYRICS
"Breathe (2 AM)"
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
ANNA NALI*K LYRICS
"Breathe (2 AM)"
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Why not?
So, willing and ignoring myself pregnant hasn't worked. How about bribery? Here goes.
Dear eggs,
This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.
Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).
Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.
Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.
Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.
Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.
If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.
You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.
We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.
When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.
Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.
Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.
Your would be Mom
Dear eggs,
This is your Mom (the woman who's body you are in). I understand that there hasn't been any past success of creating life in this body. But, I am asking you to please consider. Be adventurers, trail blazers. See life here would be good for any baby(ies). Let me tell you a little about it.
Your Dad (the sperm's owner) is really great with kids. He loves to play, see he is a bit of a kid himself. So you would get toys. Lots and lots of toys. And all types. See, because your Dad will get you fun stuff and I'll be getting you books and more intellectual games. If you are a girl, you will have your own kitchen set. Maybe if your are a boy too. :).
Your Aunts and Uncles. Well they have been waiting a long time for you. Your Aunt M, well she will dress you to the nines. Brand names, you got it. (I'm more of the type that you will be dress very cutely, but it won't be brand names, at least not all of the time. I want you to be able to play in the dirt. Sounds life fun?) Your Aunt G, she will be overly excited as well. Hmm, so will your Uncle M and L.
Which leads me to your big cousins. They probably won't know what to do with you at first. But when you get older. They will play baseball with you. If you are super smart, your cousin D will probably teach you about quantum physics :P.
Your Grandparents, you will be the first grandchild(ren). Do you know what that means? Candy, toys, and anything your little heart(s) can imagine.
Like I said, you will be spoiled and VERY LOVED.
If you do decide to stick around, I promise to take you to Disn*y World, Univ*rsal, and any other park you can imagine. I'll take you to the kid movies as soon as you are old enough. And to the science and children's museums in town.
You can eat icecream everyday if that is what you fancy. We will compromise on vegetables, as long as you try them.
We have two kitties. And we will be getting a dog.
When you are older, we will get you a bike and talk about a car. And college is definite that we will help you with it. You decide where you want to go, and if you want to stay at home or go away or if it isn't the right choice for you.
Use your imagination and we will see what we can do.
Please fertilize, implant, and become a living breathing baby(ies). Thanks for hearing me out, and I love you.
Your would be Mom
Friday, July 13, 2007
There you are! Hello Hope.
Got off the phone with the nurse. E2 at 247 and four follicles. Yes, you read that right, 4!
For some reason that number makes me feel like it is our best shot. Absolutely best shot.
OH BOY, this 2ww is going to be a killer!
For some reason that number makes me feel like it is our best shot. Absolutely best shot.
OH BOY, this 2ww is going to be a killer!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Is this funny? **UPDATED**
Have you seen those commercials were people call in to a line, tell them a scenario, and ask "Is this funny?"
Well my friends, I am asking you.
This morning I go in for blood and ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. There are definite follies, but no idea on how many or what not. Didn't ask actually for more information because I figured the information from three days ago would be completely out of date.
But, my left side feels full. To the point that when I did a yoga move last night, ouch?
And T is working 36 hours straight starting today. He will not be near the clinic or home in the next 36 hours. He packed a bag and went to work today. I haven't been able to do the trigger shot on myself. And how is he going to drop off his deposit if the IUI is tomorrow?
So, if I have to trigger tonight. I am in deep doodoo.
To complicate matters, I am very close to the end of my medication.
So today, after my ultrasound and blood work, I asked these two questions.
1. Is it possible to extend a trigger by one day?
and
2. Should I order more G*nalf?
I did warn the nurse that they are bi-polar questions.
Is this funny? Asked with a smirk and a shake of my head.
What makes this even funnier, my E2 is at 126 and have no measurable follies (I have a bunch all under 12mm.) Why do I worry?
Well my friends, I am asking you.
This morning I go in for blood and ultrasound. I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body. There are definite follies, but no idea on how many or what not. Didn't ask actually for more information because I figured the information from three days ago would be completely out of date.
But, my left side feels full. To the point that when I did a yoga move last night, ouch?
And T is working 36 hours straight starting today. He will not be near the clinic or home in the next 36 hours. He packed a bag and went to work today. I haven't been able to do the trigger shot on myself. And how is he going to drop off his deposit if the IUI is tomorrow?
So, if I have to trigger tonight. I am in deep doodoo.
To complicate matters, I am very close to the end of my medication.
So today, after my ultrasound and blood work, I asked these two questions.
1. Is it possible to extend a trigger by one day?
and
2. Should I order more G*nalf?
I did warn the nurse that they are bi-polar questions.
Is this funny? Asked with a smirk and a shake of my head.
What makes this even funnier, my E2 is at 126 and have no measurable follies (I have a bunch all under 12mm.) Why do I worry?
Friday, July 06, 2007
I LOVE POTTER!
Yes, my obsession is great with Harry. I love these books. LOVE them. As a distraction, I've been rereading books five and six in preparation for the last. So lets play....here are my predictions.
Dumbledore will not be coming back. No matter, how much I wish he would. JKR clearly stated he would not be - I went to her book reading last summer in NY. However, I am afraid that the fact he was the secret keeper for Grimauld place could be a significant problem.
Dumbledore's brother, I think will become relevant.
Harry will win in the end thru LOVE. However I am not a 100% certain how it will play out or if he will end up using an unforgivable curse. However, aren't they in war? And wouldn't it be forgivable in that context?
I think there is a very good reason that the boy wizard has made friends with a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, flying motorbike, two way mirror, Dolby, etc. I think they will all come into play somehow.
RAB, I am not sure. Did they ever find his body? I think his significance ended with the hortecreux.
Aunt Petunia will divulge her link to the magical world, but she herself is not magical. And he link may lend itself to Lilly's eyes. Which I also think have some significance, more than Harry’s are in their likeness.
Lastly, I am not sure about Snape if he is good or bad. But that is the beauty of Snape, because he is both I suspect just like the rest of us.
Umbridge and Rita Skeeter will both return.
I think that Wormtail will help Harry in some way in the end. And that Voldemort can’t kill Harry because of his blood being part of his reincarnation.
Connection to Godric Gryffindor to Godric Hollow and to one of the Potters. All of the pure blood wizards – James – are somehow related to each other.
Potter was on the Black family tree, however Dumbledore was not. Could Dumbledore be related to Lily and Petunia? We don’t know Dumbledore’s lineage, could he be born of Muggles?
As you can probably tell, I love Potter. Please, do share your predictions....but once the book received, don't spoil it for me. Personally, I will be posting about it, but giving everyone fair warning.
Dumbledore will not be coming back. No matter, how much I wish he would. JKR clearly stated he would not be - I went to her book reading last summer in NY. However, I am afraid that the fact he was the secret keeper for Grimauld place could be a significant problem.
Dumbledore's brother, I think will become relevant.
Harry will win in the end thru LOVE. However I am not a 100% certain how it will play out or if he will end up using an unforgivable curse. However, aren't they in war? And wouldn't it be forgivable in that context?
I think there is a very good reason that the boy wizard has made friends with a Hippogrif, a Dragon, a Giant, a Centauran, flying motorbike, two way mirror, Dolby, etc. I think they will all come into play somehow.
RAB, I am not sure. Did they ever find his body? I think his significance ended with the hortecreux.
Aunt Petunia will divulge her link to the magical world, but she herself is not magical. And he link may lend itself to Lilly's eyes. Which I also think have some significance, more than Harry’s are in their likeness.
Lastly, I am not sure about Snape if he is good or bad. But that is the beauty of Snape, because he is both I suspect just like the rest of us.
Umbridge and Rita Skeeter will both return.
I think that Wormtail will help Harry in some way in the end. And that Voldemort can’t kill Harry because of his blood being part of his reincarnation.
Connection to Godric Gryffindor to Godric Hollow and to one of the Potters. All of the pure blood wizards – James – are somehow related to each other.
Potter was on the Black family tree, however Dumbledore was not. Could Dumbledore be related to Lily and Petunia? We don’t know Dumbledore’s lineage, could he be born of Muggles?
As you can probably tell, I love Potter. Please, do share your predictions....but once the book received, don't spoil it for me. Personally, I will be posting about it, but giving everyone fair warning.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
What next?
Wednesday morning I had a nightmare. Basically, it was about a complication which occurred from our next IUI when a new nurse punctured my uterus with the catheter for insemination. Basically the puncture causes complications, besides uncontrollable bleeding, and I lose my uterus.
In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.
I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.
So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.
So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.
I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?
See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.
But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.
Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.
Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.
In it, I am in a hospital bed surrounded by T, my parents, T’s Aunt G, and my cousin L. My mother, speaking very loudly, is saying “I told her not to do those procedures and that she would only hurt herself. I don’t understand why.” I loose it and tell her “Get out.” And she leaves with my father.
I cry uncontrollable for the loss of my fertility, all over again, like it was a new wound. Although, I acknowledged in my dream that it was very much useless even before now. But, at least, there was always a chance. Granted not very large, but a chance just the same.
So my cousin proceeds to offer her uterus. Now, I know, how unselfish. Yet, I know, even in my dream, that it is only self serving offer. I immediately say no, that T and I decided not to use a surrogate. And in my minds eye, I look at my husband and I know that we haven’t even talked about it. But, it was simply not an option for me. To have her have that over me, something to dangle and taunt me. You couldn’t do this, so I had to do it for you. I am better and you’re bad. It would only further a competition that my mother started between the two of us, since I don’t measure up to her nieces.
So L says, “But, have you done enough?” And all I could do was cry hysterically and yell at her to “GET OUT.” G gets onto the bed and holds me, while T holds my hand.
I woke up crying. And thinking of what next?
See, I’ve changed my dreams before. But, I’ve never had to do it for other people. Lets face it, stopping will effect a slew of people; my husband, my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law – not just me.
But, it isn’t like I didn’t try. (Actually, the dream left me in such a state that I woke up and went to the computer where I have a file regarding my cycles and ovulations.) With this IUI, we will have had 12 ovulations, and 12 attempts. And with one more IUI, that will be 13 for total. Now, to me that is enough. Especially when you consider, that according to all of the doctors, all we needed to do was get me to ovulate. It makes me feel betrayed by the medical community. Betrayed by my body. Guilty. Because, I’ve ovulated 11 times thus far, and no baby.
Yet, I fear that once we stop, it will just be a new battle. I will have to answer for our decision. Because to someone, and maybe to even you, it won’t be enough – I could of done X. Which leaves me feeling like this will never be completely over. At least not until I hit menopause or die. Honestly, I am not looking forward to either event. The hot flashes on the Clomid were a b*tch.
Why is that every time that I think I am OK, something pops into my head that proves that I am not? At least not truly completely OK.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Now, what cycle is this?
I couldn't tell you. Wow. I think while I was seeking for cautious optimism, I may have found ambivalence. Oh well. The end of this cycle feels much better than my hope filled ones.
Aunt Flo showed today. And I am completely OK. I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow. Preparing for our second IUI with G*nal-f. Check one down, two more to go. At this rate, we will be done in August. Very good thing considering our funds end then.
I am so OK. It is kind of scaring me.
So what has been keeping me busy? I've been rereading Harry P*tter 5 and 6. Preparing for the movie next weekend and Hollows. I can't wait, is stating it mildly. I am so very excited. I've been reading up on several sites and taking everyone's opinions in. So intrigued, and VERY excited to see how it all ends.
Also, thinking about starting a part time business doing Calligraphy. I've been going back and forth with it. And I think it may win out. More on that later.
The condo hasn't sold yet. We've had some promising viewers, but no offers. Thinking burying the Saint will be a must. I tried to do it peacefully :).
Maybe that is why I am so not phased by the end of this cycle. Thinking about other things, my therapist will be proud.
Oh yeah, T told me that I shouldn't be pessimistic. I laughed out loud a very hardy laugh. I think he got the point. Who me? Never. Funny, I used to be optomistic, still am, but not for myself.
Ambivalence, it is really kind of nice.
Aunt Flo showed today. And I am completely OK. I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow. Preparing for our second IUI with G*nal-f. Check one down, two more to go. At this rate, we will be done in August. Very good thing considering our funds end then.
I am so OK. It is kind of scaring me.
So what has been keeping me busy? I've been rereading Harry P*tter 5 and 6. Preparing for the movie next weekend and Hollows. I can't wait, is stating it mildly. I am so very excited. I've been reading up on several sites and taking everyone's opinions in. So intrigued, and VERY excited to see how it all ends.
Also, thinking about starting a part time business doing Calligraphy. I've been going back and forth with it. And I think it may win out. More on that later.
The condo hasn't sold yet. We've had some promising viewers, but no offers. Thinking burying the Saint will be a must. I tried to do it peacefully :).
Maybe that is why I am so not phased by the end of this cycle. Thinking about other things, my therapist will be proud.
Oh yeah, T told me that I shouldn't be pessimistic. I laughed out loud a very hardy laugh. I think he got the point. Who me? Never. Funny, I used to be optomistic, still am, but not for myself.
Ambivalence, it is really kind of nice.
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